Harry Potter--
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I'm almost exactly the same as in the books, only
the author makes me studlier and more angsty."
Ron Weasley--
"Same as books. Only, somehow, I'm rich. Oh yes, and more handsome."
Hermione Granger--
"I'm still book-wormy, but I loosened up a lot more. And I'm beautiful."
Blaise Zabini--
"Remember me? Of course you don't. Not even JK Rowling does. But somehow, I
hooked onto some writers' brains and I'm in a lot of fanfics. All from just
being sorted into Slytherin. I'm either a girl or boy. If I'm a girl in the
fic, I've slept with every boy and some girls in the sink. If I'm a boy,
I've slept with every girl and some boys. Oh, I may or may not be a
Slytherin spy, too."
Draco Malfoy--
"I'm sexy and angsty. I either turn good or become extra evil. I'm abused,
physically, mentally and sexually by my fathelr and house elf."
Lucius Malfoy--
"I beat my wife, son, puppy and lawyer."
Severus Snape--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked
on, of course. I had no friends--except Lucius Malfoy. And maybe a few
other Slytherins. Anyway, I've been paired up with Harry, Ron, Hermione,
Lupin, Sirius, James, Lucius, Blaise, Dobby, Hagrid, Pettigrew, Bellatrix
and Voldemort himself."
Hagrid
"I don't exist in the fanworld, and when I do make an appearance, I have a
horribly over-done accent that consists of 3 apostrophes for every letter.
"
Sirius Black--
"I'm sexy, smart, funny and angsty. Bow down to me."
Remus J. Lupin--
"I'm so goddamn angsty. 50% of the fics are about me and my angsty love for
Sirius, 10% are about angsty visits to his grave, and the other 40% are
about angsty reflections. And 99% of the fics are songfics, with songs
about suicide playing in the background."
Tom Riddle--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked
on, of course. I had no friends"
the TYPES OF FANFICS
Angst
Harry:
Harry is about to slice is wrists in the bathroom because of the death of
[insert person here], and the fact that [insert problem here] and [insert
problem here]. But his true love, wether it be Hermione, Ron, Remus or
Dobby stops him from doing it. Or not, and he dies.
Remus:
Remus is about to slice his wrists in the bathroom because of the death of
Sirius, James, his non-existent wife(s), his non-existent son(s), his non-
existent daughter(s), his non-existent cousin(s), his existent mailman(s)
and his lycanthropy. And a song about suicide is written between lines.
Whee.
Sirius:
Sirius is about to slice his wrists in the bathroom, or is in his Azkaban
prison cell and the dementors are feeding on his sadness and angst. And
there's no much of it, some are vomiting and/or suffering from obesity.
He's reflecting.
Post-OotP
Luna:
Luna writes in her diary about her events. It pretty out of character-ly
uninteresting, and not remotely exciting.
Harry:
He has nightmares about Sirius. Biiig surprise. The Order tries to comfort
him, especially Remus, which I don't mind, because Remus is my favorite.
And Harry goes to Sirius's grave and mopes.
Remus:
Remus drinks or sleeps or reflects his problems away. then he's comforted
by Tonks. Unless, of course, Sirius was his love interest. Then he remains
comforted by dreams and memories. And firewhisky. And Snape, also.
Tonks:
Comforts Remus.
Blaise Zabini:
Blaise has sex with everyone and his house elf.
Sirius:
Sirius is reunited with James and Lily, and they hug each other. I don't
see how this is padded out to make a fanfic, however, but if they did it
with the freaking cat in the freaking hat they could do it with his. I
dunno, they have memories and drink tea or something...
Snape:
Snape drinks a lot and spies. Then he discusses what a lovable bastard
Sirius was with the rest of the Order.
Romance-Sex
[insert any character]
I love [insert any other character]! Let's have sex!
Blaise
Did someone say 'sex'? Wait for meeeee!
Marauder Fic (first feature-length parody)
James
Let's have wacky antics together.
Sirius:
Let's.
Peter:
Eeek! I'm scared! Sirius, hold me!
Sirius:
I hate you, Peter. I could see right through you with my doggie sixth
sense. Grrr. Ruff.
Peter:
Eeek! Aaaahhh! I'm going to run away! See? I was a sniveling coward when I
was 12, too!
Sirius: And I was smart, angsty, etc, when I was 12, too!
James: And I was...er...me when I was 12, too!
Remus: And I was sick, weak and tired when I was twelve, too!
Sirius: Is it because you're a werewolf?
[awkward pause]
Remus: No.
James: Alrighty Then. So, what should we do first?
Sirius: Capture Snape and put pinecones in his--
Others: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and put broom polish in his
Others: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and pour bleach down his--
Others: No.
Sirius:--throat?
James: Maybe.
Remus: NO!
Peter: ACK! OK, let's not do anything to Snape because I cheat off him
during Potions and Defense Against the--Oh my God! I just spoke up! Oh no!
I'm still speaking! Ack! Please forgive me, Sirius and James.
Sirius: Only if you stop existing and die.
James: Don't be so hard on him!
Sirius: WHy not?
[pause]
James: Er...because he polishes my boots.
Sirius: He polishes my boots even though I treat him bad.
Reader: Treat him even worse, Sirius!
Remus: Hm. Maybe we should start this. Should I do something smart?
James: Like what?
Remus: I don't know. Say something so I could correct the grammar.
Peter: Er...that ain't not no er...
Remus: Or would it just be easier to make a map that frogs everyone at
Hogwarts and where?
[Everyone glares at Remus]
Remus: What?
James: I'm suppose to come up with the ideas, not you! It's just like in
those founders fics--Godric comes up with EVERYTHING even though Rowena was
the smartest.
Sirius: What about me? People like me more than they like you.
James: You may be [made out to be] smart, funny, sexy, angsty, kind,
caring, clever, mischevious and naughty, but my wife gave birth to Harry
Potter.
Remus: Speaking of your wife...
Lily: James Potter, you're a git!
James: You're a prat!
Lily: You're an idiot!
James: You're ugly!
Lily: You're worthless!
James: You're a girl!
Remus: Well, that just about covers everything...
James: No, it doesn't.
Remus: Well..er...what else?
Sirius: Your lycanthropy.
Remus: No, we mentioned that in passing.
James: But we didn't frog off our spiffy Animagus forms! I'm a stag!
Sirius: I'm a dog!
[pause]
James: Where did Peter go?
Remus: The authors hate him so they exclude him.
Sirius: Oh.
[pause]
Sirius: Er....well, that's all.
Random Humor Fic
Author:
Wouldn't it be funny if the characters all said random words?
Reader:
No.
Author:
Too damn bad.
Ron:
Lemur!
Harry:
Raffi!
Hermione:
Parrot!
Harry:
Oh no! The dancing frogs of Mississippi here to kill us with their guns
that shoot out midgets! Run!
Mary Sues [feature-length]
Remus: Wait a second, haven't Mary Sues been driven out of the fanworld to
extinction?
Sirius: Pretty much, why?
Remus: I dunno.
BEGIN:
[Hogwarts Express]
Author: *giggles* The character's based on me and my fantasies of being
Harry's sister, love interest, but Voldemort's daughter, Hermione's best
friend and Ron's girlfriend, but I either wind up marrying [insert
character] or dying while trying to save everyone in the whole entire
galaxy and killing Voldemort in the process!
Reader: But only Harry can do that!
Author: ...NO, I CAN TOO! WAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY FIC, YOU BIG MEANIE!
A girl with dazzling green eyes that seem to look right through you: Can me
and my loyal pet phoenix sit here?
Harry: I love you, even though you're my sister. I don't know that. Neither
did Luke.
A girl now with blue eyes because she's magical and her eyes can change
colors: I take that as I 'yes'?
Blaise cameo: Oooh, you're pretty. Let's have sex.
A girl with long flowing black hair: No, because you're a dirty slytherin
and a slytherin killed my parents!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor, and my parents were killed by a Slytherin--
Voldemort!
A girl with the ability to transform into a wolf, a phoenix, a unicorn and
a cow: Wow! You said his name, too! I could say it! Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort!
A girl who's also the niece of Sirius: Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort! Now let's move to Alabama and have 7 kids!
The girl: My name is Serenity Mary Patricia Ann Phoenix Hope Light Faith
Love Goodness Puppies Serenity The Third! I had a 4.9 average in my school!
Hermione: 4.9? The top is 4.0!
Serenity: I know!
[at the school]
Dumbledore: There's a new student at school, even though there's probably
new students every year and I never bother to make a point of them. She's
an exchange student from America.
Sorting hat: You have all the perfect qualities of every single house. That
means you must go to...GRYFFINDOR.
[unfinished]
"Hi. I'm Harry Potter. I'm almost exactly the same as in the books, only
the author makes me studlier and more angsty."
Ron Weasley--
"Same as books. Only, somehow, I'm rich. Oh yes, and more handsome."
Hermione Granger--
"I'm still book-wormy, but I loosened up a lot more. And I'm beautiful."
Blaise Zabini--
"Remember me? Of course you don't. Not even JK Rowling does. But somehow, I
hooked onto some writers' brains and I'm in a lot of fanfics. All from just
being sorted into Slytherin. I'm either a girl or boy. If I'm a girl in the
fic, I've slept with every boy and some girls in the sink. If I'm a boy,
I've slept with every girl and some boys. Oh, I may or may not be a
Slytherin spy, too."
Draco Malfoy--
"I'm sexy and angsty. I either turn good or become extra evil. I'm abused,
physically, mentally and sexually by my fathelr and house elf."
Lucius Malfoy--
"I beat my wife, son, puppy and lawyer."
Severus Snape--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked
on, of course. I had no friends--except Lucius Malfoy. And maybe a few
other Slytherins. Anyway, I've been paired up with Harry, Ron, Hermione,
Lupin, Sirius, James, Lucius, Blaise, Dobby, Hagrid, Pettigrew, Bellatrix
and Voldemort himself."
Hagrid
"I don't exist in the fanworld, and when I do make an appearance, I have a
horribly over-done accent that consists of 3 apostrophes for every letter.
"
Sirius Black--
"I'm sexy, smart, funny and angsty. Bow down to me."
Remus J. Lupin--
"I'm so goddamn angsty. 50% of the fics are about me and my angsty love for
Sirius, 10% are about angsty visits to his grave, and the other 40% are
about angsty reflections. And 99% of the fics are songfics, with songs
about suicide playing in the background."
Tom Riddle--
"I had a very horrible childhood of abuse and fighting. And I was picked
on, of course. I had no friends"
the TYPES OF FANFICS
Angst
Harry:
Harry is about to slice is wrists in the bathroom because of the death of
[insert person here], and the fact that [insert problem here] and [insert
problem here]. But his true love, wether it be Hermione, Ron, Remus or
Dobby stops him from doing it. Or not, and he dies.
Remus:
Remus is about to slice his wrists in the bathroom because of the death of
Sirius, James, his non-existent wife(s), his non-existent son(s), his non-
existent daughter(s), his non-existent cousin(s), his existent mailman(s)
and his lycanthropy. And a song about suicide is written between lines.
Whee.
Sirius:
Sirius is about to slice his wrists in the bathroom, or is in his Azkaban
prison cell and the dementors are feeding on his sadness and angst. And
there's no much of it, some are vomiting and/or suffering from obesity.
He's reflecting.
Post-OotP
Luna:
Luna writes in her diary about her events. It pretty out of character-ly
uninteresting, and not remotely exciting.
Harry:
He has nightmares about Sirius. Biiig surprise. The Order tries to comfort
him, especially Remus, which I don't mind, because Remus is my favorite.
And Harry goes to Sirius's grave and mopes.
Remus:
Remus drinks or sleeps or reflects his problems away. then he's comforted
by Tonks. Unless, of course, Sirius was his love interest. Then he remains
comforted by dreams and memories. And firewhisky. And Snape, also.
Tonks:
Comforts Remus.
Blaise Zabini:
Blaise has sex with everyone and his house elf.
Sirius:
Sirius is reunited with James and Lily, and they hug each other. I don't
see how this is padded out to make a fanfic, however, but if they did it
with the freaking cat in the freaking hat they could do it with his. I
dunno, they have memories and drink tea or something...
Snape:
Snape drinks a lot and spies. Then he discusses what a lovable bastard
Sirius was with the rest of the Order.
Romance-Sex
[insert any character]
I love [insert any other character]! Let's have sex!
Blaise
Did someone say 'sex'? Wait for meeeee!
Marauder Fic (first feature-length parody)
James
Let's have wacky antics together.
Sirius:
Let's.
Peter:
Eeek! I'm scared! Sirius, hold me!
Sirius:
I hate you, Peter. I could see right through you with my doggie sixth
sense. Grrr. Ruff.
Peter:
Eeek! Aaaahhh! I'm going to run away! See? I was a sniveling coward when I
was 12, too!
Sirius: And I was smart, angsty, etc, when I was 12, too!
James: And I was...er...me when I was 12, too!
Remus: And I was sick, weak and tired when I was twelve, too!
Sirius: Is it because you're a werewolf?
[awkward pause]
Remus: No.
James: Alrighty Then. So, what should we do first?
Sirius: Capture Snape and put pinecones in his--
Others: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and put broom polish in his
Others: No.
Sirius: Capture Snape and pour bleach down his--
Others: No.
Sirius:--throat?
James: Maybe.
Remus: NO!
Peter: ACK! OK, let's not do anything to Snape because I cheat off him
during Potions and Defense Against the--Oh my God! I just spoke up! Oh no!
I'm still speaking! Ack! Please forgive me, Sirius and James.
Sirius: Only if you stop existing and die.
James: Don't be so hard on him!
Sirius: WHy not?
[pause]
James: Er...because he polishes my boots.
Sirius: He polishes my boots even though I treat him bad.
Reader: Treat him even worse, Sirius!
Remus: Hm. Maybe we should start this. Should I do something smart?
James: Like what?
Remus: I don't know. Say something so I could correct the grammar.
Peter: Er...that ain't not no er...
Remus: Or would it just be easier to make a map that frogs everyone at
Hogwarts and where?
[Everyone glares at Remus]
Remus: What?
James: I'm suppose to come up with the ideas, not you! It's just like in
those founders fics--Godric comes up with EVERYTHING even though Rowena was
the smartest.
Sirius: What about me? People like me more than they like you.
James: You may be [made out to be] smart, funny, sexy, angsty, kind,
caring, clever, mischevious and naughty, but my wife gave birth to Harry
Potter.
Remus: Speaking of your wife...
Lily: James Potter, you're a git!
James: You're a prat!
Lily: You're an idiot!
James: You're ugly!
Lily: You're worthless!
James: You're a girl!
Remus: Well, that just about covers everything...
James: No, it doesn't.
Remus: Well..er...what else?
Sirius: Your lycanthropy.
Remus: No, we mentioned that in passing.
James: But we didn't frog off our spiffy Animagus forms! I'm a stag!
Sirius: I'm a dog!
[pause]
James: Where did Peter go?
Remus: The authors hate him so they exclude him.
Sirius: Oh.
[pause]
Sirius: Er....well, that's all.
Random Humor Fic
Author:
Wouldn't it be funny if the characters all said random words?
Reader:
No.
Author:
Too damn bad.
Ron:
Lemur!
Harry:
Raffi!
Hermione:
Parrot!
Harry:
Oh no! The dancing frogs of Mississippi here to kill us with their guns
that shoot out midgets! Run!
Mary Sues [feature-length]
Remus: Wait a second, haven't Mary Sues been driven out of the fanworld to
extinction?
Sirius: Pretty much, why?
Remus: I dunno.
BEGIN:
[Hogwarts Express]
Author: *giggles* The character's based on me and my fantasies of being
Harry's sister, love interest, but Voldemort's daughter, Hermione's best
friend and Ron's girlfriend, but I either wind up marrying [insert
character] or dying while trying to save everyone in the whole entire
galaxy and killing Voldemort in the process!
Reader: But only Harry can do that!
Author: ...NO, I CAN TOO! WAAAAAAAAH! IT'S MY FIC, YOU BIG MEANIE!
A girl with dazzling green eyes that seem to look right through you: Can me
and my loyal pet phoenix sit here?
Harry: I love you, even though you're my sister. I don't know that. Neither
did Luke.
A girl now with blue eyes because she's magical and her eyes can change
colors: I take that as I 'yes'?
Blaise cameo: Oooh, you're pretty. Let's have sex.
A girl with long flowing black hair: No, because you're a dirty slytherin
and a slytherin killed my parents!
Harry: I'm a Gryffindor, and my parents were killed by a Slytherin--
Voldemort!
A girl with the ability to transform into a wolf, a phoenix, a unicorn and
a cow: Wow! You said his name, too! I could say it! Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort!
A girl who's also the niece of Sirius: Voldemort!
Harry: Voldemort! Now let's move to Alabama and have 7 kids!
The girl: My name is Serenity Mary Patricia Ann Phoenix Hope Light Faith
Love Goodness Puppies Serenity The Third! I had a 4.9 average in my school!
Hermione: 4.9? The top is 4.0!
Serenity: I know!
[at the school]
Dumbledore: There's a new student at school, even though there's probably
new students every year and I never bother to make a point of them. She's
an exchange student from America.
Sorting hat: You have all the perfect qualities of every single house. That
means you must go to...GRYFFINDOR.
[unfinished]