A/N: my apologies for the cheesy summary but it seemed appropriate to me :) Let me know what you think and if this little chestnut is worth opening.

Miss Congeniality: Final Fantasy Edition

Ch 1: Insanity in ShinRa

"What are we going to do about this?" Angeal asked with his hands up in defeat. Things were not at all going well. Genesis had taken to pacing and cursing, while Angeal poured through personal files and Sephiroth, well he had been polishing his masume for nearly two hours now, growling every time a new smudge showed itself. Needless to say that ShinRa's top SOLDIERs were stressed by their latest assignment.

"This is a situation unprecedented!" Genesis yelled overdramatically throwing his hands in the air.

"We are highly trained professionals," Sephiroth soothed as he stared at the glint of his long sword, and then resumed shining it when he noted a small smudge.

"And we're men!" Angeal looked nearly as frustrated as Genesis, though granted he was less flamboyant about it, "This was an inappropriate assignment for SOLDIER."

"We need to broaden our search, gentlemen" Sephiroth stowed his sword and stood up with the glow of genius in his eyes, "We need a woman with SOLDIER skills and Turk finesse." Clearly he had a plan, and he paused for dramatic effect as his friends leaned in with hope, "Ms. Kendra Raijin, Turk and former SOLDIER candidate."

...

"That's insane!"

"You're insane!"

Both Genesis and Angeal looked at him as though he had lost his mako enhanced marbles in a game of poker, while he smirked back at them triumphantly.

"This is your way of finding entertainment isn't it?" Angeal asked dully; he understood the inner working of the General's mind better than most did. It was an unfortunate side effect of being his best and most sane friend.

"No, but I'll agree it's a happy consequence."

Face palm.

As Tseng sat in his office on that quiet afternoon, he could sense the storm coming. It was far too quiet on the Turk floor. The only sound he could hear from his office was that of papers shuffling. It meant trouble was imminent. Despite pretending to be far more civilized then the SOLDIERs, Tseng had his share of imbeciles to deal with. Sounds of a loud scuffle outside informed him the storm was here. As he expected, two of his Turks were rolling around the floor. A spiky red head was taking a severe beating from his short, albeit strong comrade.

"What is going on?" Tseng asked with a sigh on his voice. Others were poking their heads from their offices, looking mildly interested at the sight before them, though for Tseng this was unfortunately a normal occurrence. Seeing these two particular Turks fight was nothing new; it was a constant thorn in Tseng's side.

"This chicks crazy yo," the red head stood up and tried to straighten his eternally rumpled clothes. A faint bruise on his cheek told Tseng that the shorter female Turk had been winning this fight.

"Next time, think before you grab, pig" The woman retorted threateningly. It didn't take the science department to figure out what had happened. As usual, Reno had been bored and had no doubt tried to amuse himself by torturing his co-workers. And as usual, his plan had backfired, when he picked on the wrong co-worker.

"Reno, you have paperwork," Tseng ordered tiredly, "and Kendra, you're on suspension if I'm correct."

A look of slight guilt filled Kendra's eyes, though truthfully the incident that had led to her suspension hadn't been entirely her fault. Unsurprisingly it involved Reno.

"It was just a flesh wound," she defended herself meagerly with her eyes downcast, "It wasn't as though I meant to shoot that damn bird."

"That was President ShinRa's prized chocobo," Tseng replied sternly at his colleague's indiscretion, "and you were aiming for a fellow Turk."

"I was aiming for Reno," she retorted defensively, the fire returning to her eyes. The spiky haired menace had not received any sort of punishment for his harassment, and had instead been congratulated for his veterinary skills with the chocobo. Forget the fact that he had used said poultry as a feathery shield.

"In any case, you're shouldn't be here," a little bit of sympathy bled into Tseng's voice. He knew of Reno's talent for being ludicrously annoying all too well. Personally he didn't blame Kendra, but it was out of his hands unfortunately.

"I was just finishing paperwork," she replied sulkily, walking back into her office, feeling a little bit dejected. It was as she was shutting her door that Kendra spotted three SOLDIERs stepping out of the elevator. SOLDIERS on the Turk floor. The event in itself was a rarity and more than somewhat...spooky. Feeling a strange sense of foreboding, Kendra snapped her door shut.

Meanwhile, the three SOLDIERs stepped unsurely into Veld's office. Normally, they would trust Lazard to handle such a meeting, but Lazard was at a conference and this was a matter of great urgency. The minute Genesis stepped into the office, he received a death glare like no other. Veld's dislike may have stemmed for the fact that he once caught Genesis calling him a 'Babysitter of Turk imbeciles' behind his back. It may have been true, but it was blasphemy coming from a SOLDIERs mouth. With a sigh, Genesis stepped back and let Sephiroth take point.

"Director Veld," Sephiroth greeted with a respectful nod. Though he was not good at normal social situations, Sephiroth did rather well in diplomatic situations of this sort that required tact on a strictly business like level. It was easy to negotiate with someone on an impersonal level. That, and he was The Great General with over 1000 fans around the world. He could do whatever he wanted.

"Sephiroth, what can I do for you?" Veld asked, finally acknowledging Angeal and Genesis as well.

"We wish to join forces with the Turks for a particular operation," Sephiroth explained, almost regally.

"What would you require?" Veld asked curiosity lighting in his eyes.

"A specific Turk," Sephiroth replied, watching the director's poker face carefully from behind a mask of neutrality, "Kendra Raijin." Immediate cynicism alighted Veld's face. Though a decent Turk, the woman was far too reckless and far too fiery to rise up the ranks. That and he was currently facing an angry president over injured poultry later today on her account. Suffice it to say she was not his favorite Turk at the moment.

"Raijin is currently on suspension," Veld replied swiftly, "and somehow I doubt she would want to work with SOLDIER."

"The fact of the matter remains that she is the only woman to have almost made it into SOLDER," Genesis interrupted whatever Sephiroth was going to say, "We need her to do this job."

"Officially she did make it into SOLDIER," Sephiroth corrected. According to their records, 'Kenny' Raijin was a third who had been transferred to the Turks, but had the official rank of SOLDIER before she left. It was unfortunate that her disguise fell through the way did five years ago.

"And had it not been for that peeping tom, we may have never found she was a woman at all," Angeal tacked on remembering the idiot SOLDIER who had caught her half naked one night. With a deep breath, Veld looked at the adamant SOLDIERs before him.

"You may discuss it with her yourself." It was his way of saying 'get out, I'm busy.'

Dutifully, the trio went into the Turk's office, hoping she was in a more congenial mood than since the last time they saw her. As they entered a dart was thrown just past Genesis's ear and imbedded itself in the center of a dart board. Apparently she held grudges.

"Good shot," Genesis commented dryly as she glared at him.

"I missed." Clearly she was still upset about her expulsion from the SOLDIER program, even though it had nearly been five years ago.

"Look, Raijin, we don't have time for-" A second dart aimed at his head cut Genesis off as he neatly dodged the projectile.

"I want nothing to do with SOLDIER," she replied, not bothering to hide the venom in her voice, "besides I'm on suspension."

"Kendra, please have a seat," Angeal decided that this situation required more delicacy than either of his colleagues were capable off. Despite what she looked like, Kendra was still a woman and required a more subtle manner. Looking warily at the black haired man, Kendra sat down in her desk and looked expectantly at him, "We need a young capable woman to go undercover for us."

"Why not ask Cissnei?" Kendra asked. The woman was experienced and wielded her shurikin with deadly accuracy, and she wasn't on suspension.

"What's goin' on in here?" Reno came and dive bombed her couch, looking at the scene with amusement.

"Get. out." Kendra glared at him with murder in her eyes. Reno surveyed the SOLDIERs and then Kendra.

"I think I'm good."

"We need someone that has SOLDIER training in operations and procedures but the subtlety of a Turk," Sephiroth explained, drawing her attention once again.

"Then I guess I shouldn't have been booted from the program," Kendra replied with mock brightness.

"We need you to go undercover and infiltrate John Corneo's crime ring, and the only way we can get anyone on the inside is by sending a woman in as-"

"Not a chance in hell!" Kendra stood up, blushing. Everyone knew of Corneo's taste in woman. It began and ended with the word slut. Rumor had it that his mansion was packed with guns and women. Not all of which were willing participants.

"Despite your...abrasive physicality and personality, you are the only one qualified to enter the den of monsters so to speak," Sephiroth tried to reason and only added to Kendra's anger. His words rang true however. Kendra was a tomboy, there was no denying it. Her hair, though to her shoulders, was rather frizzy and constantly tired back in a scrunchy and outside of the Turk uniform, she owned a pair of baggy jeans and a polo shirt. Her eyebrows were untamed and she had the manners of a thug. Since being in the SOLDIER program for nearly five years disguised as a man, she had adopted many unfeminine habits that she held on to like a vest.

"Though I suppose the fact remains that she looks more like a drowned rat than a woman," Genesis pointed out thoughtfully.

"Yes, but that sort of thing can be fixed if I'm correct," Sephiroth countered. Though his words were meant as a defense for Kendra, it felt more like a very underhanded insult.

"Good luck with that," Reno laughed loudly, his voice booming in the tiny office, pushing Kendra's further past the line from slightly annoyed to pissed off.

"Maybe I like the way I look!" Kendra yelled waving her arms to get their attention. With a sigh, Angeal pinched his nose as the four started arguing, Kendra's voice being the loudest. Finally, he stood up and grabbed her by the arm.

"What the hell are you doing?" Kendra asked, resisting against the first's tight grip.

"Pulling rank," Angeal replied dragging her to the elevator.

"Have fun sweetheart!" Reno laughed as she pulled into the elevator. Those stuffy SOLDIERs had no idea what they'd just signed up for.

Despite her many protests and many escape attempts, Kendra found herself sitting in Sephiroth's rather nice office on a leather couch, with the SOLDIERs staring back at her. Normally she would pull out her knives and severely injure anyone who got in her way, but Kendra figured that it probably wasn't very tactful considering her opponents were ShinRa's crown jewels. A chocobo had earned her suspension; SOLDIERs for target practice would probably earn her assassination.

"Now what?" she asked with a raised eye brow as the three stared at her, "how are you going to turn this-" she indicated to herself with an errant hand, "into one of Corneo's flavors of the month?"

"We're thinking," Genesis snapped back, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

"We've called in a...friend," Angeal replied soothingly.

"Yeah well, good luck to him," Kendra leaned back into the soft leather and shut her eyes. Sounds of footsteps made her tense, but Kendra chose not to glare at the newcomer yet.

"Is this the...job?" the sound of a male voice made her open her eyes. Before her stood a man in a very fancy suit, not unlike the ones that the president wore, carrying a small briefcase. This man was staring at her incredulously and with a trite of condescension.

"What do you think Mr. Ambrose?" Angeal asked shaking the man's hand. Ambrose. They'd hired the same man that helped last year's Ms. Midgar and was known for designing the clothes of the ShinRa family. The portly man surveyed her, as though staring at a vulture feeding on a carcass.

"That is a very unsettling stare, your pompous windbag," Kendra leered back unashamedly, glaring into his eyes. Looking unfazed, he turned back to Angeal.

"I quit."

"Can't you do anything?" Genesis asked looking sceptically at the man.

"With the right budget," Ambrose replied with a touch of asperity in his voice, "and this one is going to be a doozy."

"Done."

"I hate you all," Kendra spat hatefully as she once again found herself being pulled by several different arms to the center of the room. Forced to pose like a ballerina, she stood with her arms out as Ambrose draped different fabrics on her.

"I don't like the way the chiffon is draping," Sephiroth commented lightly, pulling at the slippery material. It took all of Kendra's self control not to stare at him with incredulity.

"Nor do I," Ambrose agreed, and instead draped a bolt of rather heavy golden fabric on her and earned a few approving words from the SOLDIERs.

"I AM NOT wearing this sparkly crap," Kendra lowered her arms and let all the cloth fall to the floor with a soft thud, "Screw you, SOLDIER morons." With that parting farewell, Kendra stomped out of the room, leaving them to watch her.

"I think we need to take a new approach with her," Sephiroth noted.

"Yes, like incapacitating her with a frying pan," Genesis replied spitefully, crossing his arms in petulance.

He had though the gold fabric was stunning.

"I hardly think more violence will make her prettier, Genesis."

"Fair point, Sephiroth."

So let me what you think!