i was a teenage ceiling fan
by mondie
(don't own the newsies. Everyone's original characters are owned by them. Blah.)
Sparklediamonds tossed her lovely head so that her sapphire eyes shone. "Here's yer knife!" she said cheerfully, handing a samurai sword to Spot Conlon. It made sense, since she was Spot Conlon's sword-carrying minion, but it was also dumb, since Spot Conlon is the one person in the world who should never have a samurai sword.
"Now that we have our hostage, we will once and for all take over the Manhattan branch of the newsies so that we get all the prime selling spots! PRIME!" screamed Spot.
"Yes?" said Prime.
"No, I was just reiterating the word 'prime,' not talking to you."
"Oh. Spot, this hostage is dumb."
"Of course he is! He's one of Jacky-boy's … boys!" Spot waited a moment for everyone to chortle appreciatively. Prime chortled so hard he fell off the docks in to the river.
"Help! I can't swim!" Prime screamed, struggling to stay afloat. Spot narrowed his eyes at the tomfoolery and threw his samurai sword at Prime's bobbing head. He missed by half an inch because he was so angry.
Rae, whose eyes were deep, deep black endless pools, swished her hips and as she walked over. "C'mon, Spot, stop clowning around." She pouted her full, full lips in his direction. "Are we gonna go to Manhattan or what?"
Spot glared at her. "What, you got a CRUSH on someone in Manhattan now?"
"I didn't say that!" Rae protested, but the smile that played on her delightfully quirky lips said otherwise.
Rae's group of ladyfriends, Sita (eyes with every color of the fucking sunset), Keza (who unfortunately had no eyes but lovely sunken holes in her petite head where her eyes should have been), Skittles (rainbow eyes), Shortie (eyes like two distant moons) and Feathers (eyes a lovely shade of chocolate amber brown, who unfortunately suffered from a debilitating case of amnesia and so no longer remembered she was the mayor's son dressed in drag) all stood delightedly around the hostage, who was sitting glumly in the middle of the dock with his faithful goat friend.
"So, Jake, you ready to be our hostage?"
"Duuhhhhhh…. Yup." His goat, whose name was Oscar Delancey, ate some of his hair. Jake didn't notice. "Did I ever tell you guys I'm from Goatland?"
"This kid is daft. Throw him in the river," Spot decided. "Where's my knife?"
"In the river!" Sparklediamonds squeaked.
"Bitch, do I keep you around to fluff my pillows or hand me my knife?" Spot screamed, his tiny little head turning bright red as he jumped up and down like a spoiled child.
"Um… both?"
"DAMN RIGHT BOTH! Now get my goddamn knife!" He threw her into the river.
Luckily, she always wore her boobs taped down in an effort to seem like one of the boys, so her boobs didn't keep her floating on the top of the river. She swam down into the filth and luckily the sword was stuck in a fish swimming two feet below the surface. She grabbed the handle of the sword and held it triumphantly above her head. The fish flopped on the blade. "Win!" She climbed back onto the dock using her magical lack of gravity, but as always Spot didn't notice her lovely self beneath the dripping clothes. Probably because she taped down her boobs.
"Here's yer knife!" she chirped, handing the sword and fish to Spot.
He stared at the fish. "Woman! Can't you do anything right? Why, I oughta…"
"Hey, the hostage is getting away," Sita screamed, pulling at her face in horror.
All the Brooklynites looked at Sita and shuddered because her face was so horrifically pulled. Then they looked to where Oscar Delancey Goat was sprinting off the dock and into the wilds of Brooklyn.
"Oh no! Catch him!" Feathers screamed, wondering why her voice was so low (it's cuz she's a guy. The mayor's son, in fact).
"I thought I was the hostage," Jake said, forlornly. "Anyone wanna look at my calves?"
"No, your calves are pathetic. Now I'm confused," said Keza. "Was the goat the hostage or the dumb guy?"
"Kill the dumb guy! We'll get another hostage!" Spot said.
"I still can't swim!" screamed Prime, gurgling salt water.
Rae made an executive decision and threw Jake into the river. Spot threw his samurai sword and didn't miss this time.
"Eeeeek!" screamed Prime, as the blood reached him. "Get me outta here!"
"Leave Prime, what kinda idiot goes swimming if he don't know how to swim?" Spot said. "Sparklediamonds, WHERE'S MY KNIFE?"
"Eep!" she squeaked, jumping into the bloody water and twisting it clean out of Jake's dead head. She then jumped back up on the docks.
"Clean it!" Spot screamed.
"I'll clean it, Spot," Skittles said.
Spot glowered. Little angry lines appeared in the air above his head. "When did all these stupid girls show up, anyhow? Keza, go catch that goat. Everyone else, to Manhattan!"
"ARRRRRYEAHHHHLET'
" all the Brooklynites but Keza screamed in unison as they took off at a jog.
Keza stood by herself on the dock. "Dudes, I can't see…" Sensing no one else remained, she shrugged and headed off. "Here, goaty goaty goaty…"
MEANWHILE IN MANHATTAN
At the exact same moment, the Manhattan newsies were all hanging around Tibby's where Wally-Frank was serving them sarsaparilla and they ate COLD slaw. They was both delicious. Only the main newsies were there, not the lame ones like that redheaded guy who was pissed off he didn't have a name.
"Hey, that looks like Jake's goat," leatherpants!Mush said idly as a goat ran past the window, with an eyeless girl pursuing it. "Where is Jake, by the way?"
"Eh. No one really cares. It's not like he's an important part of our lives," Jack said, and everyone agreed, especially Davey who really hated Jake for no apparent reason.
Bumlets was idly twirling on a ceiling fan. "Wonder if anything's gonna happen today."
Dutchy said, "Good thing we've all got our girls here with us." The guys all agreed and tightened their grips on their respective girls' waists. Each guy had his own girlfriend and the goirlfriends each had their own names and incredible backstories and interesting colored eyes. However, none of the Newsies were actually looking at their girlfriends. Jack was making eyes at Davey. Mush was alternating between staring at Blink and Skittery. Snitch and Itey exchanged meaningful glances, and Specs and Dutchy were holding hands right on top of the table. Racetrack and Swifty were sneakily eying Bumlets. (Bumlets' girl was twirling on a ceiling fan right next to him) et cetera et cetera.
Suddenly the door burst open and in ran all the Brooklyn newsies, because they had all caught the L train into Manhattan and it was pretty quick that day. "MANHATTAN NEWSIES! WE HAVE A HOSTAGE. Bow down to my supremacy because I want your borough because mine is dumb and out of the way. Mwahahahahaaha!"
"Shut up, Spot," Davey said. "We're all here."
"What about … YOUR GOAT?"
"Jake!" Itey said in delight. "I missed you licking my feet at night!"
"I do that," Snitch said in confusion.
"Oh."
"Plus that's a goat, not Jake."
"Close enough," said Jack. "You can keep him, Spot. Say, who are these beautiful ladies?"
Rae, Sita, Feathers, Keza, Shortie, and Sparklediamonds all grinned their most winning smiles at the Manhattan newsies, who left their eyeballing of each other AND their girlfriends and ran to their sides. Luckily, each girl got paired up with the guy she wanted, whoever that was.
"Here's yer knife," Sparklediamonds said flirtatiously to Boots, handing him the samurai sword.
"Holy shit!" Boots screamed. "I'm going to Goatland!"
"I was a teenage ceiling fan," Bumlets agreed whole-heartedly.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
R&R plz (NJL!LOVE)