Author's Note: I've also posted this on my tumblr fan fiction blog, blog/let-winter-go
It was a typical Thursday night in the Barnes' household. Quiet and dark, save for the light from one computer screen in the couple's bedroom. Legs crossed at the ankles Chloe sat in the computer chair staring at the screen, waiting. As she waited with little patience she found herself drumming her fingers on the desk to the rhythm of the light rain tapping on the window outside. It had been a particularly wet summer, not that she cared really. When it wasn't raining it was hot and the rain would always cool it down just enough that it was bearable to venture outside.
Anxiously she glanced at the time once more on the desktop and saw that it was three minutes to 0100 hours and he still hadn't called. Out of habit when her nerves got the best of her Chloe began to chew on her bottom lip. She knew that he had probably gotten busy, or at least had some good reason for being late for their weekly skype call, but she couldn't help but to let her mind wander to worst possible case scenarios. Standing up from the chair she began to pace back forth while wringing her hands as she glanced at the computer every so often as if willing the video chat service to start ringing.
Ready to step out of the room to do some menial task to keep her mind preoccupied while she waited, and there it was. The sound she'd been waiting for for the past hour. In her rush to answer the call promptly she nearly tripped over her own feet managing only to stumble slightly into the chair. Quickly righting herself with her feet tucked under her Chloe composed herself the best she could right as she clicked the green 'answer' button. There he was, James Buchanan Barnes, her whole world wrapped up in one amazing man.
"Hey, doll. Sorry about the delay. We had a minor hiccup over here, but nothing to worry about," he smiled, adding that last part quickly knowing how easily she'd get worked up.
"It's ok. I'm just glad you were able to call," she said, swiping at a stray tear that had managed to betray her in her effort to stay as calm as possible.
"Hey," he whispered on his end, "please don't cry, doll. It's ok. I'm ok." Though they'd been through this a thousand times it never got easier for either of them. With him thousand of miles away putting his life on the line for their country, for her, every day, and her just trying to get by every day without him. It was hard.
"I'm sorry. It's not sad tears, I promise. Well, for the most part. I was just so worried that I wouldn't get to see you today and that something bad had happened-," she began to ramble, but was cut off when he whispered her name. "Yes?"
"You're doing it again," he smiled in jest, hoping to lighten in the mood a bit with some success as she let out a chuckle of her own while wiping away the few remaining tears on her face. "Look at me," he said as stern as he could possibly be with her, "what time is it there?"
Glancing at the clock she mumbled, "a little after 0100 hours." This was sort of a ritual for them while he was deployed. He'd ask her about the small details of what was going on in their home and anything else that would keep her from thinking about how much longer he'd be gone. That way she would let the time pass without a second thought so that she wouldn't worry as much and think too much on it.
"What's the weather like right now," he asked, as she sniffled slowly allowing herself to calm down. After all, they only had the one skype call a week and she wanted to make good use of the time that she had with him.
"Well, it's basically rained all night since I got home at about 7ish from work. It started out as a heavy storm, which is what kept me from getting home at my usual time. I had to stop every so often since I couldn't see, but now it's just light continuous rain. How is it over there?"
"It's as hot as ever. I can't wait to play in the rain when I get back. You'll play in the rain with me, won't you, doll," he laughed, thinking about all of the times she'd dragged him out in the rain just to play like they were children. It may have looked weird to others, but they never cared and they never would. They were happy and that was what mattered.
"Of course, what kind of wife would I be if I didn't," she laughed, shaking her head as he watched her with pure adoration. He wanted to say more. He wanted to ask her more. Like, how her day was or what was she wearing, but the words got caught in his throat whenever she laughed. It was, to him, the most beautiful sound in the world and if he could record it he'd listen to it on repeat for the rest of his life.
And for a moment they just sat there, enjoying just being able to look at each other. Every day he was gone he wanted nothing more than to rush home to her and show her just how much he really loved her. The words were never enough. That was something they always agreed on. They said it to each other, but to them actions really did speak louder than words and right now he was thinking about those actions thankful that he was alone.
"Hey, doll, stand up so I can see what you're wearing." His voice had gone from fun and playful, to dark and sinful in a matter of moments. Chloe knew that look too. She'd seen it countless times over the five years that they'd been together. It never ceased to amaze her just how much of an effect it had on her as a shiver ran down his spine.
"James Buchanan Barnes," she scolded him with a chuckle, "we are not having cam sex."
"Please, doll," he pouted, giving her the best puppy eyes he could muster.
"No, James," she laughed, "I'm not risking a repeat of last time."
"Oh come on, doll. The door's locked this time and everyone knows to leave-," his sentence was cut off when there was a loud boom like a bomb that went off in the background. It was like a switch had been flipped causing the mood to change instantly.
"What was that," she asked frantically, worry causing her heart to drop into her stomach at what she was hearing.
"I don't know, doll, but I have to go. I love you, Chloe, and I will try my damndest to call you again before Thursday." He was now on high alert, meaning she only a few seconds left of his precious time.
"I love you too, James Buchanan Barnes, and you come home to me, ya hear?" She tried to smile as she spoke, but the tears were already coming as her heart now sat heavy in her chest.
"Wouldn't dream of anything else, Chloe Marie Barnes. I'll be home before you know." With that he blew her a kiss and the call was ended. As soon as the screen went black she let the tears fall freely as she blindly clicked on the 'end record' button. Ever since his first deployment she'd learned to record all of their calls just in case she needed a pick-me-up, or worst case scenario, she needed to save their last goodbye.
Tears now cascading down her face as her body shook in silent sobs she didn't even bother to turn the computer off as she crawled into their bed clutching onto the Narwhal plush he'd won for her on their first date. He'd already been in the military for a year and a half when they first met. So, she knew what she was getting into when she agreed to date him, but that didn't mean it would be easy by any means.
It had been three weeks since that night and still no call. Her friends and family tried to tell her that everything was ok. That he was just probably busy and couldn't get to a computer or phone, but she knew something was wrong. She hadn't always thought this way, but she knew without a doubt that he was her soulmate. So, when something went wrong on his end she knew. She never knew the details, but she always just knew. Almost like it was a sixth sense, except everyone liked to call it her 'Bucky sense', even his best friends, Steve and Sam.
It was currently a little after 1100 hours as she stood in the kitchen mindlessly washing the same plate for the past fifteen minutes. The worry had taken its toll on her after the first week of no call. This was the longest they had gone without any sort of contact and she was scared. Before she could go down that path further there was a knock at the door. Not even caring that the plate in her hand was glass she immediately dropped it barely registering the shatter as it hit the ground in her haste to get to the door. Rushing over she fumbled with the locks before wrenching it open smile dropping instantly.
"Steve?" Sure enough, there he was in his dress blues taking his hat off and tucking it under his arm once she'd opened the door. She knew he had just got back from his own deployment and had planned on having lunch some time, but from the look on his face Chloe knew that this wasn't a social call.
"May I come in?" Unable to form words herself Chloe simply nodded her head as she stepped aside to let her husband's best friend in.
"Can I get you anything to drink? Water? Tea? Lemona- ouch," she'd rambled, after closing the door and walking into the kitchen already having forgotten the broken glass on the floor. When he'd heard her small cry of pain he'd rushed to her side to see her holding her foot up and a piece of glass plate stuck in it.
"Let's get that out and cleaned up. Then we'll worry about drinks. Okay, Chloe," he said gently, to which she nodded her head numbly finding the words lost to her. Carefully he lead her to one of the kitchen chairs and sat her down before going for the first aid. Knowing exactly where the couple kept it having had to use it on each of them at least once already. Once he had pulled the glass out he wrapped her foot before making her a cup of her favorite tea, green tea with french vanilla creamer and honey, and a cup of her famous lemonade for himself.
That's where they could be found now. Sitting at the kitchen table across from each other sipping on their respective drinks. Not a word had been spoken in the last five minutes, and Chloe was almost scared to ask why the sudden visit with no notice, but she had to. She had to know if he knew anything on her husband's status.
Setting down the cup she continued to grip it in both hands now fixing Steve with her green eyes, "I assume this isn't a social visit, Steven." To which he nearly flinched visibly at knowing she only used his full name, or any of their full names, when she was being serious about something. But he needed that right now. He needed to be reminded of the situation that they currently found themselves, and forget about the secret he would take to his grave.
Clearing his throat he set aside the glass clasping his hands together in front of him as he met her gaze. "I-No, um," he paused with a sigh, running his hands down his face in frustration. He'd rehearsed this over and over again in his head on his way here, but now that it was time to break the news he was choking up. His thoughts were stopped there when she spoke up.
"I-It's Bucky, isn't it? Please, Steven. Please tell me where my James is." She was trying so hard to be strong for her, for James and for Steve, but the dam inside was slowly crumbling with each new leak as her chin began to quiver with unshed tears.
He said nothing. He didn't have to say anything. She knew. She knew from that look in his eyes that he was gone. Her James was gone. And for a moment she just sat there processing the unspoken words as the man across from her watched with baited breath. Ready to at a moment's notice to come to her rescue.
At this point she wasn't even looking at him, though, her eyes were on him Steve knew she was looking through him. Her eyes were glossed over, but that was the only indication of emotion in that moment. It ripped apart inside to see her falling apart, even more so than when he'd found out that his best friend was gone. Then just as he was about to reach across the table to grab her hand he stopped when she spoke.
"How?" Had the room not been scarily quiet he might not have heard it, but he had. "How did it happen?"
With a sigh he withdrew his hand pushing it through his hair before resting it over his mouth. "We don't know, honestly. Him and the rest of his platoon went MIA about 2 weeks ago and-," which was where she cut him off.
"Two weeks," she nearly screamed, "so what you're saying is my husband has been MIA for two weeks and no one bother to tell me?" By now she was trembling with rage and hurt at knowing that no one had told her that James had been missing for two weeks.
"We didn't want to tell you, because we wanted to try to find him first. We wanted to be positive that he was gone instead of getting your hopes up," his said, trying to reason with her.
"We," she shrieked, "you mean, you knew this whole time and didn't tell me?" She'd pointed at him then to herself.
"I'm sorry, Chloe, but we had just to be sure. I had to be sure," he said, whispering that last part. And then, something changed in her. It was fast and nearly gave him whiplash, but he figured that she was going through the stages of grief at her own pace. Now she just looked disappointed and sad. Disappointed that her husband's closest friend had kept such vital information from his own wife, sad… No, sad wasn't a strong enough word to describe the pain she felt at knowing that she'd never see her husband again. At knowing that their last skype call was their last goodbye.
She wanted to say something. To reprimand him again for not telling her, but she just couldn't. It was like her body and mind had just shut down. Going to step away from the table she felt her legs give out under her. Before she could hit the ground Steve was by her side now holding her to him as they knelt on the ground. One hand clutched her hair while the other supported her back. Just as easily he scooped her up in his arms before walking them over to the couch and sitting down with her on his lap as she clung to his chest.
He wanted to do so much for her, but all he could do was hold her. The sobs that wracked her body shattered his heart over and over again. She'd repeat 'why' over and over again, but he had no answer. Followed by 'it isn't fair' or 'I just want my Bucky back'. There were no answers fit to console a grieving wife, and there certainly wasn't anything he could really do. So, he'd just be there for, and help her through one of the most trying times in her life. All the while trying to ignore any feelings he had of his own. This was about her recovery and he'd be damned if he'd make life harder for her by saying the one thing he'd wanted to since the day they met.
What felt like hours later she seemed to calm down as her breathing evened out signalling that she'd fallen asleep. So, as carefully as possible he carried her to the bedroom she'd once shared with his best friend. Knowing that she'd be alone. As he laid her down and covered her Steve felt her hand tug at his pant leg as he turned around. Looking back he saw that she was looking up at him through half lidded tired eyes. "Stay," she croaked out, throat sore from all of the crying.
"I can't, doll. I've got nothing to wear," he smiled sadly, as he gently pried her hand away from him.
"S'okay," she mumbled, "you can just wear some of James' old clothes. I know that's what he'd want."
Conceding to her wishes he grabbed a change of clothes before stepping into the bathroom to change. When he returned she was curled up in possibly one of Bucky's shirts with her back facing him. Hesitantly he slid under the blanket keeping his distance, but she wasn't having any of that insisting that he hold her. They weren't strangers after all. Granted it had been nearly ten years since they'd been in that position, but it wasn't unfamiliar territory. Them having dated for a couple of years before she'd even met Bucky. So, for the rest of the day they slept like that. Giving comfort to each other in their time of need.