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Hate to Love You

Sirius settled himself down on the window seat of his new bedroom. It had been years since he had visited his uncle's manor and he was happy to make it the new meeting place for the Order, much more preferable to Number 12.

It was a half moon and cloudless so he could see the stars clearly in the sky. In the distance he could see sirius, his birth sake, twinkling brightly, oblivious to its human self's inner torment.

Dead...gone for one year and everything had changed. The war was in full swing; Voldemort was steadily acquiring followers just like last time. Dumbledore was dead, murdered by the man he had trusted the most. Harry was grown about to turn seventeen, his birthday a month away. And Remus...his best friend and lover was about to marry another.

Leaning his head against the cool of the glass, he fought back tears. One year, after twelve years of waiting, Remus had moved on in one year. He was going to marry his cousin and how he envied the bitch. How he wished to be the one Remus held every night and he prayed (and later regretted) that she would just die so he could have his lover back. Not that Remus would take him, he had finally found the one and no matter how Sirius wished, he knew he could never be the one Remus needed. Remus deserved someone young, whole and Sirius was neither.

So lost in thought, he wasn't aware he had company until it spoke.

"Sirius?" He asked.

Sirius cursed his fowl luck; this was the last person he wanted to see right now. "Remus," he said and he knew he was being unfairly cold, but it hurt so much.

Remus sighed, "Pads, please...don't be mad."

"About what?" He practically hissed as he tried to control the emotion, the betrayal, that showed in his voice.

"How long was I supposed to wait?" He cries and Sirius can tell how much he's hurting Remus and a feeling of glee bubbled up inside of him. He hoped Remus regretted his decision and he hopes Remus thought about it every night, of what they could have been as he lies next to his new wife.

"I would have waited," Sirius whispered, so soft that Remus could barley hear him, "I will always wait."

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, practically begging, "Leave her?"

If only, Sirius thought, unaware he had voiced this opinion allowed.

"I will not make the same mistake I made with you," he cried and that cut Sirius the deepest, so he was nothing more then a mistake.

"I love you," hissed Sirius, "And you left me for my cousin no less!"

"I thought you were dead!" He seems near hysteria, not that Sirius looks to check. One look at those sad golden eyes and he would fall. "She's pregnant, Sirius! What should I do? Leave the child!"

They always said the first cut hurt the deepest, and Remus had been his only love and he would always love him underneath all the hurt. "Please...don't invite me to the wedding," Sirius begged softly, resolve breaking and he stood up, face still turned away.

"Sirius..." Remus whispered

Sirius finally turned to face him and there were tears, glowing in the dim light of the moon, running down his face. Crossing the distance between them, he brought Remus in for their last kiss, savoring the taste of his lover one last time.

Pulling back to soon, he touched their foreheads and looked Remus straight in the eye.

"I hate you."

And then he left.

Author Note:

I imagine the rest of it will follow the cannon plot with Remus and Tonks dieing, leaving behind a son that Sirius would raise as his own, his last piece of Remus left on this earth.

My muse gave this to me through a dream and I woke up crying, no lie.

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HM