Gone Forever
They gathered. Every year, without fail, since the end of the journey, the Sanzo-ikkou gathered. It seemed stupid, inane, but each of them was drawn back to Houtou castle on the anniversary of its downfall. Perhaps it was the nightmares that drove them, as if to confirm that it was really gone and over. Perhaps it was the longing to remember friends and foes that had fallen, or perhaps it was simply out of respect. Either way, after the journey ended, even Sanzo could do little more than grunt and say, "We'd better be back by nightfall." Despite his weak-hearted attempt at a protest, the group always stayed long after the sun had set.
"What are you doing here?" crimson eyes narrowed with contempt as her lips pulled into a scowl. "I hate you. You have no right to be here."
A perfectly sculpted brow rose as the owner's green eyes narrowed. "I don't have a right to be here?" he echoed, his tone much deeper than the young woman's across from him. "If anyone, I have more a right to be here than some damn halfling."
The woman recoiled, visibly stunned at the comment.
The years had rolled by like clockwork. Each time the day came, the group would find themselves at Chang'an, borrowing a pair of Kougaiji's flying dragons before they made their way to Houtou. They were always gone before sunrise and back far past sunset. When they arrived at the ruins of the castle, none of them knew what to say, but each of them was there for a purpose. It was a day filled with silence. A comfortable, understanding silence that was more supportive than any words that could be spoken.
Arms crossed under a pair of full breasts as the young red-headed woman turned on her heel. "Look, you don't have a reason to be here, all right? You're just here to piss me off, so mutter your prayers and be on your way, faggot!"
The cross hanging around his neck clinked as he moved, and the young man grasped it on reflex.
The Sanzo-ikkou had watched as the years rolled by, as the metal and debris began to disappear into the ground. Each of them, as well, began to disappear into the folds of society. Goku picked up a job as a construction worker, building houses and helping repair villages that had been desecrated during the Minus Wave. Sanzo continued his work at Chang'an. Gojyo managed to get enough money to begin running his own bar, and Hakkai had started teaching again. He'd picked up a job offer to teach at a very prestige university and had left Gojyo to move several hundred miles away.
Goku soon settled down in one of the villages he helped rebuild, falling in love with a blond haired Yogi Master from India. Gojyo often came over to drink with Sanzo, until other duties pulled him away from enjoying his time with the pissy monk.
Soon the only contact any of them had was the regular gatherings at Houtou castle.
The woman moved away from the man, dropping to her knees when she was sure he was too far to hear her. Immediately, she dug her claws into the ground and began to pry apart at the grass. Her red bangs fell in front of her eyes. She continued to dig, and dig, until her hands were scrapping across rubble. Then, she moved back to her bag and pulled out her shovel, digging it into the ground and trying to move past the huge pieces of garbage.
The young half-breed looked out from her room when the door opened. The six-year-old had been babysat by one of the old women from town. She hadn't been able to sleep, however, knowing that her father was away in India with his old friends.
She watched from the doorway as her father arrived home. He talked quietly to the woman and paid her before she disappeared back into the night. Only then did the young girl tear out of her room, running down the hallway with lightening speed, her footfalls sounding loud on the wooden floor. "Daddy!" she screamed with enthusiasm, launching herself in the air the same time he held out his hands to catch her. He lifted her up into the air and spun her, before pulling her back close.
"There's my little Kazumi." He cooed, holding her close to his chest. She remembered the way his blood-red eyes glowed when he looked at her. He was covered in dust and dirt, and his long red hair had been pulled back into a ponytail. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"
The girl took a moment to think about it, before shaking her head wildly, her hair flying all around her. "Nope!" she declared happily.
Her father sighed, bringing her over to the living room and plopping down on the couch with her. "Well, you should be, but I'm too tired to fight with you."
"Where did you go today Daddy?" she asked, despite knowing the answer.
"India," he replied.
"Oh yeah." The young girl paused, thinking. "Why are you always goin' to India?"
"Because," he said, pushing her hands back out of her face lovingly. "It's good to see all my old friends again. And, I'm looking for something."
"What kind of something?"
"I don't know," the man replied with a smile. "But I'll know when I find it." He leaned down and kissed her exposed forehead.
"Can I help you?"
He shook his head sadly. "I don't think so, Kazumi," he replied. "This is something I need to find by myself."
Standing farther away from Kazumi, the boy, Jin, glanced bitterly back over his shoulder. He snorted at the half-breed pitifully attempting to dig. He had no idea what she was looking for, and didn't much care.
He took a seat on a large rock and looked out over the ruins of the castle. He was here in respect for his father, although if his father knew how he'd been treating half-breeds he'd be horribly ashamed of him. Not all half-breeds, mind you. Just one.
Jin didn't hate half-breeds, but it was so easy to throw that in Kazumi's face and have her react violently. It wasn't half-breeds he hated. Just Kazumi and her damned father. Scoffing, and putting the idea from his mind, he sat in silence and closed his eyes. Grasping the cross in his hands, he tried to clear his mind. It was harder than he thought. He'd tried to pick up meditation, something his father had tried to teach him when his anger got way too out of control. It never worked, though. Jin could never quiet his mind.
His father was looking down at him with the same complacent smile as always. "Daddy has to go do some work now, so you have to go to sleep now, okay Jin?"
Jin nodded, watching as his father slipped from the room and turned off the lights. The four-year-old fidgeted nervously, before finally rationalizing he couldn't sleep. He didn't like to disobey his father, but perhaps he could read him one more, quick story and he'd fall asleep?
He crept out into the hallway, catching sight of his father standing by the door with another, tall red-haired man. The young boy was about to walk right out, but something held him back.
"Here," the red-haired man said, holding out an envelope. His father took it, and opened in. Inside were pages of paper, but the only clear thing the little boy could see from the doorway was the large picture of Kazumi. "She's six this year," the red-headed man added wistfully.
"That's great, Gojyo," his father replied with a sad smile. "Have you told her yet? About her father?"
The red-headed man sighed. "Nah. I couldn't lay that on a six year-old. Not that her father wasn't me, but my brother. I don't want to tell her that her real father's been dead for nearly her whole life and her mother is probably some whore. Y'know?"
His father nodded. "It's very admirable of you, Gojyo, to take in your brother's child."
The other man smiled. "Not really. I'm not admirable. If I was admirable, I wouldn't have lost you."
His father's eyes flashed dangerously. "Gojyo, don't," he said in a tone that the little boy knew was deadly.
Apparently the red-headed man knew it as well, because he let out a soft sigh. "I know, Hakkai, I'm sorry. I fucked up, and there's not much I can do to fix it."
"I'm married, Gojyo," his father repeated, but it didn't have the strength it did before.
"I know," the red-head fumbled. "But… I mean, I have Kazumi too, and I swear to god I'm going to make her happy. I can't turn back time, but…"
The little boy's eyes widened as the red-headed half-breed leaned in and kissed his father. The green-eyed man didn't protest, and instead melted into the kiss, placing a hand on the side of his face. The envelope he had been holding dropped to the floor with a noisy rustle of paper.
The little boy shook, watching as the two men broke apart. They looked at each other for a very long time, red and green mixing, melding, melting together. He'd never seen his father look at his mother like that.
"Goodbye Gojyo," his father said, pressing a soft kiss to the man's cheek. The one that held scars.
"Goodbye Hakkai," the half-breed said. There was sorrow in his voice before he turned, opened the door and quickly disappeared back out into the night.
His father just stood there. He looked so alone.
The little boy couldn't take it anymore. Before he was caught, he turned and hurried back into his room, closing the door and diving into the bed. He curled beneath the blankets, shaking. He didn't understand what just happened, but he could understand that he hated that red-haired man for doing that to his dad. He hated Kazumi too. Half-breeds must be evil, because… because they did evil things. Like hurt his dad like that.
He would always remember the pain and sorrow in his father's deep green eyes as the red-head left. He'd never forgive the man for doing that.
He'd also never forgive him when six years later, his mother left his father.
"It's just that we don't love each other anymore, Jin. Don't worry, you'll still see you're mother," his father tried to placate him, but Jin wouldn't have it. He knew why his mother left.
It was because Gojyo kissed his dad that night.
Jin couldn't focus. He tore open his eyes, hearing the clanging of a shovel against some kind of metal. His anger rose in him and before he could stop it, the twenty-eight –year-old stormed across the expanse of what passerbyers would consider a field, to where Kazumi was hacking away a piece of rusted metal.
"Would you quit that goddamn racket!" he yelled, his pale face turning red in his rage. His hands clenched together as he thought about smacking Kazumi right across the face.
The woman turned to him, her slim but curvy build distracting in that short skirt lined with stockings and boots. Her breasts were barely covered by the simple tank-top that was readily becoming covered in dirt. Her long red hair was kept out of her face in a stupid ponytail. The hole she'd dug in the last few hours was only as deep as her waist. God, Jin could not stop hating this woman.
"Take the stick out of your ass, already! I'm trying to get my job done. Go far away if it's bothering you. Very far away." Kazumi turned back to the digging. The clanking of metal on metal nearly made Jin snap.
"Stop fucking digging!" Jin finally yelled, gathering a small chi ball in his hands and hurling it at Kazumi's shovel. It broke the head of the shovel, leaving the stunned young woman with nothing more than an unusable stick.
She balked. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she yelled, climbing out of the hole to stare him down.
"You're not going to find what your father was looking for because he wasn't for looking for anything physical!" Jin yelled, finally deciding to put the idiot straight. "He was looking for something in himself, so stop trying on everyone's patience with that goddamn clanking."
Kazumi raised the stick of wood her shovel used to be attached to and clubbed Jin over the head with it. The man fell down like a rock.
"Don't try to tell me what my father was looking for!" she yelled, standing over him with her club raised, ready and willing to hit him again. "You never fucking knew my father! And you know what?" She sneered, looking down at him with hate in her eyes. "I'm glad you're father died of heart failure in the street. It's what he deserved. To die in a gutter."
Jin roared, too angry to even bother charging his chi. He launched himself off the ground and tackled Kazumi to the ground, punching her until he felt like his knuckles would break. "Don't you dare talk about him that way!" he screamed. "You know nothing you good-for-nothing half-breed!"
Kazumi managed to elbow him in the nose. "I know that my father was honorable. And yours was just a murderer."
"That's enough!!"
The voice was strange to both ears, causing the quarreling pair to pause, long enough for a tanned hand to reach down and grab Jin by the back of his throat, throwing him to the ground. Kazumi was pinned to the ground with a large boot, and Jin found the end of a long rod pushing him heavily into the ground.
The two attempted to catch their breath as they looked up at the man before them. His short brown hair drifted just past his ears, golden eyes glaring daggers down at them. His tanned hands held deadly claws and the outfit he wore was tattered and ripped. Still, both knew precisely who he was when they laid eyes on the limiter that ran around his forehead.
"The monkey," Kazumi breathed.
"Son Goku," Jin said, just as quietly.
---
Goku was not pleased at the events unfolding before him. He'd moved too far away to have any real contact with his friends when they were still alive. He'd received letters from Hakkai and sometimes Gojyo, but he never heard from Sanzo again. Not after the last time they had set eyes on each other.
He'd received pictures of his two friends' kids, but he'd never actually met them. He supposed that Gojyo and Hakkai had told them about him, because it looked like they knew exactly who he was.
"You're Kazumi, right?" Goku asked, looking down towards the young woman. She nodded meekly.
He turned to look at the boy and frowned, "And Jin. Hakkai told me you had anger issues, but this is a little extreme." Jin frowned.
Goku sighed, not sure what to do with these kids. He was never good with kids, and when it came down to it, they were just kids. Perhaps that was a little hypocritical to think of them like that, since he went through a large portion of his adult years protesting his youth, but at least he wasn't this immature.
"If I let you up, will you not kill each other?" he asked.
The pair nodded, slowly, still in awe that he really existed. Slowly, he let them up, and then turned on his heel. "Follow me," he said, turning and beginning to head out across the 'field' to a certain spot. The kids, confused, followed him.
Goku arrived to a spot where a fallen log had almost disappeared into the ground. Goku looked at the old tree that had fallen over fifteen years before, feeling depression tug at his heart. Next to the tree were three grave markers. Judging by the expressions crossing Jin and Kazumi's faces, they'd never seen this part of the destruction.
"Fifteen years ago was the last time we all met," Goku said quietly.
Goku wrapped his arms around Gojyo's broad shoulders. He was getting taller, he kept protesting, but Gojyo continued to dwarf him in comparison. He grinned toothily when he pulled away. "It's been too long," Goku said happily. "How's you're daughter?"
Gojyo grinned proudly. "Good. She's fifteen now, my little hell-raiser."
"I hope she's not learning any nasty tricks from the women you bring home," Goku said, punching him in the arm.
Gojyo shook his head. "Nah. She's the only girl I need now."
Goku couldn't help but laugh. "That's hard to believe," he said, before turning to look at Hakkai. He grinned and hugged the man, who hugged him back fiercely. "I missed you, Hakkai."
"I've missed you too, Goku," Hakkai said, smiling. "Have you been well?"
"Yeah," Goku said with a smile, glancing around the empty field, awkward pieces of rubble sticking out from the ground. "Have you seen Sanzo yet?"
Hakkai shook his head. "No, but I'm sure he'll be here. Sanzo isn't one to miss this."
Goku smiled and let Hakkai wander off into the midsts of the rubble. Goku began to wait himself, wandering over to a large tree that had begun to grow not long after Houtou castle fell. He smiled at it, running his hands over the rough bark. He was glad some life had begun to sprout in this valley that held so much death.
He waited for what felt like an eternity, looking out over the ruins of what had once been a great and horrific castle. It had tortured all of them, and every year, the reassurance that it was really gone comforted Goku.
Finally, Goku heard the rustling of wings as another dragon touched down. This one held Sanzo. Goku smiled, but did not make his way over to the man as he would have as a child. He watched as Sanzo slid from the saddle and dusted himself off. He glanced out over the area, catching sight of Gojyo and Hakkai, who were seated out by a rock, talking. Sanzo wasn't wearing his normal priest robes, instead a pair of jeans, and a white jacket overtop. He began to walk over to where Goku was standing by the tree, but wasn't looking at him.
"You're late," Goku said when Sanzo was within hearing range. "It's almost three."
"I had better things to do," Sanzo said, finally settling his eyes on Goku. The monkey had to hold back a gasp at the beauty in those violet eyes. He'd forgotten how much he loved them. Still, he remained cool and collected as Sanzo pulled out a cigarette, holding it between pale fingers and lighting it. He leaned against the tree as Goku let his legs slip out from under him and sat down. It wasn't long until Sanzo followed suit.
Eventually, the silence ended and the pair began to talk quietly. Sanzo, for once, wasn't telling Goku to shut up. Goku was happy for that. Sanzo talked about his life at the monastery—"fucking bullshit"—and Goku told him about the recent breakup between him and his boyfriend. They talked for hours, slipping into comfortable silences every once in a while until the sun set.
It was under the darkness of the moon that Goku made his move. He turned, quickly planting himself in Sanzo's lap and kissing the lips he'd desired for so long. Sanzo didn't reject him, not like he had so many times during the journey, and instead wrapped his arms around Goku's waist and, hesitantly, kissed back.
The pair kissed and explored and simply were together as the hours ticked by. Goku didn't know what time it was anymore, if Gojyo and Hakkai were still there, and nor did he care. For once in his life, he had what he wanted. It all felt so surreal. Hands exploring, mouths tasting, eyes imploring. There weren't any words spoken, which added to the unearthly feeling.
Finally, in the early hours of the morning, when Goku and Sanzo were spent, lying with one another and looking up towards the stars through the branches of the trees, Sanzo moved to get up.
Goku cast a worried glance over at him as Sanzo pulled on his shoes and jacket.
Goku reached out without thinking and grabbed onto his pant leg. "Don't," he whispered, worry and fear and sorrow making its way into his tone.
"I have to get back to my life, Goku. It's almost sunrise." There was no bite in his words, but Goku wished there was. It would make it so much easier to take.
"But once you leave, once you turn and go back, it'll be over. Everything will end. Please, don't let this die. Don't…. leave…" he wasn't sure if he was making any sense any more, but he had to make sure that Sanzo understood.
Sanzo didn't say anything. Goku should've known better than to put it in such a way. Sanzo feared things he couldn't control, which was why he was always terribly afraid of his emotions. He turned and disappeared, grabbing hold of the reigns of his dragon, and made his way back towards China.
"Sanzo shot himself several months after our last visit," Goku said, not entirely sure where the words were coming from. "Hakkai died of heart failure. Gojyo was accidently stabbed to death during a scuffle in the bar. I've… put these grave markers here because this is the last place the four of us were together."
Goku whirled on the two kids once more, who looked rather guilty. They didn't look like adults to him. "I can't believe that my friend's kids, of all people, are acting like this towards one another."
"Her father ruined my life," Jin said, pointing an accusing finger at the woman next to him.
"He's a delusional homo ruining my life." Kazumi countered.
Goku shook his head, looking ready to grab his hair and start ripping it out. "Shut up, both of you!" he snapped. "For fuck's sake, if you're at least not going to have any respect for the dead, at least have respect for your fathers!"
The kids shut up, glancing down towards their feet like guilty thieves.
"Listen to me," Goku said urgently, hoping he could get through to them. "I don't know what kind of misconceptions you have about your fathers, or what kind of lives you think they lived, but then it comes down to it, they were in love."
Kazumi and Jin stared at him like he was crazy, but slowly they began to put the pieces of the puzzle together in their own minds.
"When we traveled, Gojyo and Hakkai were together. They loved each other very much. Then, when the journey ends, they ended up having a huge fight about moving so Hakkai could work at a university. Then one day, Hakkai just left. It wasn't until years later, until after you were born," Goku nodded at Jin. "That Gojyo tried to fix things, but it never worked out. Hakkai had settled down."
There was a pause as each of them considered what Goku was saying.
Goku sighed and took a seat next to the markers. He watched as the pair absorbed the information.
"My dad was gay?" Jin asked quietly, clutching the cross that hung around his neck once more.
Kazumi looked down towards the ground, widened crimson eyes beginning to fill with tears. "Oh dad," she said quietly to no one in particular, as the crystal tears rolled down her cheeks. She turned away, her pride probably something she inherited from her father and stormed off. Jin was left standing with Goku, looking extremely uncomfortable.
"Goku…" he said after a while, fidgeting before getting up the guts to look the man in the eye. "You… knew my dad, right? Did you know him when he was…. happy?"
Goku smiled bitterly, getting to his feet and wrapping an arm around his neck. "Yeah," he said softly. "I did. And when he smiled for real, it was the prettiest thing in the whole world."
Jin smiled sadly, turning to look over to where Kazumi was sitting, watching the sun beginning to set. "I'm not going to like her now, just because my dad was in love with hers."
"I know," Goku said simply. "But that doesn't mean you have to hate her, either."
Jin frowned irritably as Goku let him go and took a seat next to Kazumi. The woman began to blather to him, but Jin couldn't hear about what. He stood there, hopeless for a few minutes before looking back to the grave markers. His father's body wasn't there, but he knew his soul was. "Why aren't you here?" he asked the marker, quietly. He turned to glance back at Kazumi and Goku once more, unsure if he really belonged there. He glanced up to the setting sun, and wondered if he should have come at all.
---
Jin sat on his bed, unable to sleep. It wasn't that late in the afternoon, but Jin wasn't sure he wanted to be awake. He'd taken a few days off from work to think about what he'd learned the day about his father. He'd heard a soft 'kyuu' before the door cracked open a bit and Hakuryu flew in. Jin smiled as the dragon circled overhead before landing on his stomach. Jin smiled, petting the dragon before there came a knock at his door.
Slowly, Jin got to his feet, making his way towards the door in the small house he lived in. When he opened it, he was surprised to find Kazumi standing there, a slightly irritated look on her face.
"About time, I've been knocking for a while now," she said, before Hakuryu landed on Jin's shoulder. She beamed and reached out to pet him. "Cute. Hakuryu, right? My dad told me about him."
Impatient, Jin sighed. "What do you want, Kazumi?"
Kazumi let her crimson eyes rest on Jin. "I was wondering if you'd like to go for a walk with me."
Jin let a brow rise in confusion. "You'd let yourself be seen walking with a homo?"
"As long as you don't mind walking with a half-breed," Kazumi said with a shrug.
Jin rolled his eyes, thinking about it. "Let me get my shoes," he said simply.
"Tomorrow's the big day!" Gojyo cheered, lifting his glass. He already had a few drinks, so he was plenty liquored up as it was. "Tomorrow we take down Houtou castle and then… I'm feeling ramen!"
"Yeah!" Goku said, a little liquor coursing through his veins already. Sanzo had allowed it, even if Goku protested that he was well over the age. "With pork, and chicken, and beef."
"Ramen sounds lovely," Hakkai added. The group was seated around a table in the bar, enjoying their last drinks before heading up to bed.
Sanzo, with a cigarette, between his lips, grumbled in irritation. "You morons," he said simply. 'Tomorrow is it. Everything's going to be different come tomorrow night."
Gojyo stuck out his tongue. "Boo! Grumpy monk ruins the mood again!" Gojyo then turned to look over at Hakkai, a grin crawling on his lips. "I know one thing that'll never change," he said with a grin, leaning in and kissing Hakkai lovingly.
Sanzo, disgusted, put his head in his hands. "You two are complete morons."
"Happy morons," Gojyo said when they broke apart, taking another swig from his beer.
Goku leaned in close to Sanzo's ear, a smile in his tone. "Yeah Sanzo, think about it this way," he whispered seductively. "When it's all done, I'll personally put the mayo in your ramen. And then, later, if you want, you could lick it off me."
Sanzo snorted, but didn't seem too disgusted by the idea. "And why would I want to lick mayonnaise off of you?" he scoffed.
"I figure it's only fair," Goku said a little too loudly, placing his hands on his hips. "Since you let me lick honey off of you."
Gojyo burst out laughing, and even Hakkai couldn't stop the giggles that broke through. Sanzo growled, but decidedly said nothing. He turned to look out the window, at the imposing building in the distance.
"Don't worry, Sanzo," Goku said as he let an arm rest around his lover's shoulders. "Nothing's going to change. Nobody's going to die. We're strong enough to take this. I promise." He then leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lover's cheek. Sanzo allowed it, mostly because Gojyo and Hakkai weren't paying attention.
Finally, it seemed, Sanzo accepted what Goku was saying. He turned to look at him as the brunet took a seat next to him. "Nothing will change, eh?" he asked wistfully as he turned to look out the window again. "You'd better keep your word, monkey-boy."
Jin paused as he made his way down the street, glancing over his shoulder as though he'd heard a voice calling out to him. All around people passed him in the busy streets, but he saw no familiar faces, no one looking for him.
Kazumi, eventually, realized he wasn't following and turned to look back at her. "Hey!" she called. "Are you coming or what?"
Jin glanced back over his shoulder and nodded numbly, turning back to look at Kazumi as they continued to make their way down the street. He found himself watching his feet as he walked, dwelling on Goku's words, dwelling on his life and questioning everything he knew about his father.
"Despite its many forms and shapes…" Jin found himself muttering under his breath, something his father used to say all the time. Sometimes, mostly after his parents had divorced. Jin had always thought that the reason his father stopped smiling, the reason he would stare out the window for what seemed like days was because his mother was gone. Now, Jin had begun to think differently.
"…Love is never gone forever," Kazumi finished with a smile on her full lips, turning back to look at Jin. "Your father said that too?"
"Yeah…" Jin said slowly, a returning smile drawing shakily on his lips. He felt a strange feeling welling in his chest, something unlike anything he'd ever experienced. Still, it was a good, bubbling feeling and he welcomed it. Maybe his father was finally happy, wherever he was. But what it came down to it, it didn't really matter.
Because he would never be gone forever.
___
A/N: This is a piece that I've had written for a while, that I've never been truly happy with. However, after going through my computer and discovering it, I figured I should just post the damn thing. I fell in love with Jin and Kazumi while writing this. They're such great characters.
I hope you enjoyed! Please leave your comments and criticism for me to absorb!