Things Not Said

By Kadi

Rated K+

Disclaimer: Not my sandbox, but it is my favorite playground!

A/N: For lontanissima & kate04 - they know why. Much love darlings.

Possible Spoilers. Episode 4x14 addition.

They were warned that the surgery might take a couple of hours. They were also told that, as a precaution, Andy would be in ICU for observation immediately afterward. It was for that reason that his personal belongings were gathered from his room. Sharon decided to take care of that herself. She sent the rest of her team to the waiting room to enjoy their Thanksgiving dinner, since all of them insisted on staying until the surgery as over. They would pick up their personal holiday plans afterward. They all, at the end of the day, considered Andy to be family too.

Sharon moved around the empty, silent hospital room slowly. If she was honest with herself, the fact was, she needed those moments. She had to get her thoughts back in order. She needed to get her emotions under control again. Rusty was worried about her; he wasn't the only one, she knew. She was worried about herself too. It was just a bit ridiculous. Sharon could not stop the nervous flutter of her hands or the way her eyes misted over when she thought of Andy.

Andy.

There was so much that she would have liked to say to him before they took him away, but she simply could not. The words were there, dancing in her mind, just on the tip of her tongue. She couldn't seem to form them, however. She would like to say that it was a matter of timing. She could blame it on the doctors for taking him away so quickly. She could blame it on Hobbs for being in her way during that final moment. In all honesty, however, these were words that she should have already said. Sharon knew that beneath all of it, the only person that she could blame was herself. She should have said these things before. She should have given voice to all of the things that were on her mind and in her heart.

Now she didn't know if she would ever have the opportunity to do that. She wanted to believe that everything would work out. She wanted to hold on to her faith that Andy's surgery would go well and that they would bring him back to her. The simple truth was, they could never know what was going to happen. They could never know what the future would bring. It was completely unwritten. There were no guarantees. No one could say if tomorrow would come.

Sharon had to force back another surge of tears as she pushed the few personal items that Andy had on hand at the hospital into a bag. She drew a shaky breath and let it out slowly. Her hands were trembling again. Her vision blurred. Sharon's jaw clenched against the sudden onslaught. She would not cry. She would not allow that to happen. Not when there were so many to see her. Rusty was worried about Andy too, although he was loathe, at first, to show it. Her boy had gotten used to him. He had become accustomed to having him around. Just when Andy was becoming a solid presence in their lives, this happened.

She could only hope that they would have the opportunity to explore where that would take them. She could only pray that she would have the chance to say all of the things that she held back. It was always so easy to look back and see all of the things that should or could happen. Hindsight. If she had that moment again, right now, Sharon hoped that she would act on it. She would will herself to act on it. She would not allow fear to stand in her way again.

Sharon considered that as she lifted the book that Rusty had brought Andy. It was as she moved it that a folded slip of paper fell out of it. It was the pale yellow of one of their note pads. Sharon bent and retrieved it from the floor. She was set to place it back in the book, but the outline of her name, written in ink, on the inside of the folded sheet drew her attention. She stared at it. The right thing to do would be to place it back where it belonged. The problem was that she had been doing an awful lot of right things lately, and they hadn't exactly gotten her anywhere.

She drew her bottom lip between her teeth as her gaze swept toward the door. Sharon faltered for just a moment longer. She turned the paper over in her hands before she finally moved around the edge of the bed and took a seat on the thin mattress. She opened it slowly and exhaled a quiet breath.

Sharon,

Okay, so here is the thing, I tried to get Provenza to help me out with this, but as usual he's too damned busy being a pain in my ass…

Sharon laughed out loud. She pressed her fingers against her mouth to stifle the sound and shook her head. Yes, she could quite easily imagine the scene at the hospital the previous day, even without Rusty telling her about it. Those two were as much a source of amusement for her as they were a source of abject frustration. Sharon shook her head, but smiled fondly as she continued to read.

It would be a hell of a lot easier if he would just do what I asked him to, for once. That's never going to happen. Must be the concussion. I should know better by now.

Actually, that's not really true. The better thing would be if I did this myself. I really should have. I shouldn't be writing this down. I guess I can just chalk this up to one more thing I have screwed up. I figured that would happen eventually. I was going to mess this whole thing up and I did. Completely screwed the pooch on this one.

What the hell does that even mean anyway? Whatever. The point is, the only reason that you have this right now is because I did something stupid.

I'm dead. Or worse. I'm a vegetable and I REALLY screwed up by letting Provenza be in charge. I'm going to be on a ventilator for at least a week just so he can get caught up on Discovery Channel or some such… never mind. That isn't what I am supposed to be saying.

So here it goes. Try not to glare at the paper. I'm just going to spell it out.

I love you.

Should have said that a while ago. Should have said it to you myself. You shouldn't be reading this. I'm so sorry for that. I'm gone and I should have told you what you mean to me.

It's a hell of a lot Sharon. I didn't think I would ever feel like this again. I really didn't think it would be you. I never thought you'd give me the chance. You're too good for me, and I'm just this idiot who can't get his head out of his ass long enough to tell the nice lady that she is the best part of his life. You know, after our kids. Cause that has always been the one thing we agree on most. The kids come first.

You gotta know that I don't regret anything about that. Rusty is important. So never think that it bothered me that we had to move slow. It was good. For him and for us. It made me really see what we had. It made me see how it could be if we got it right, and sweetheart you gotta know, I think we were getting it right.

At least until I screwed up and died. What the hell is that? Do me a favor, next time we see each other, slap me. I deserve it. That might be the dumbest thing I ever did.

How could I leave now? Just when everything is going great with the kids, and I've got you. Damn was that ever dumb.

So there it is. I love you. It gets easier after the first time.

I really hope you don't have to read this. I hope I get to say it. I'm going to say it. First chance I get. If I make it out of this, I am going to tear this up and say it myself.

I am not going to screw it up again. I promise you that.

If I do… do me a favor yeah? Look after the old man. He needs supervision. Provenza isn't going to say it, and he'll act a good game, but if you could just look after him for me, that would be great. (Because I know that you're reading this first you old son of a-never mind. I'll tell you that myself when I give this to you!)

I will see you on the other side. And it better take you a long damned time, Sharon. Because I can wait. I will always wait for you.

Andy

By the time she had read the last line she was crying. All of the tears that she tried to hold back had broken through her, not insubstantial, control. Sharon pressed her hand to her mouth and tried to breathe through the emotions that were rushing through her. There were just too many. She had laughed at his attitude toward Provenza. She could just imagine the older Lieutenant reading this first and what his reaction would be. It did little to assuage her turmoil, however. As delightful as it was to read those words, to see in his own hand all of the things that she had wanted to say to him… Sharon could read between the lines too. She could read all of the fear. She could read the regret. She could hear it. Sharon could just imagine him hanging his head and running his hand through his hair as he spoke.

Good god she loved that man.

When had that happened? How had this snuck up on her like this? Where had he come from?

Sharon closed her eyes. She held the letter tightly. She clenched it in her fist and held it against her chest. There was such an ache there. Her stomach churned with anxiety. What would she do without this man? What would her life be now that he was such a part of it? She tried to imagine a single day without him and she simply could not. The very thought of it filled her with such pain that drawing her next breath was almost impossible. It came, ragged though it was. It filled her lungs and she let it out slowly.

Yes. She would tell him. Just as soon as they were together again. Sharon would tell him that he was not alone. That he was loved. That their only mistake was in allowing their fears to hold those words away from each other.

They would no longer go unsaid. She would tell him, just as often as she could, and in as many ways as she could imagine. She loved him. She would wait for him. She was not going anywhere, and if her prayers were heard, neither was he.

Sharon drew another slow breath and let it cleanse through her. Then she smoothed out the letter and placed it back in its hiding spot. They would discuss it… along with so much more. Oddly enough, the thought filled her with a renewed sense of hope. Everything was going to work out. Tomorrow may be fleeting, but she would not lose him today.

They were only just beginning.

~Fin