A/N: This is my take on kdzl's angst challenge.
So sleep darlin/Why don't you pretend we were just a dream
Swallowing hard, JJ finds herself where she was weeks before. Sitting in her car outside her boss's house after a case had gotten to her.
Only this time there's no engagement ring on her finger to make her question why she's here, there's no second guessing to be done yet she still finds it hard to actually get out of her car.
And it's all because of why she ended things with Will. There were three people in that relationship, even if it was only acknowledged in silence...He was always there, on the periphery, lingering ...Like he had in any of the relationships she had since she started at the BAU.
And with the ultimatum Will had so fairly imposed upon her about marrying him, she had no choice. She had to end things. She couldn't marry him, promising to be faithful, when she had nearly come so close to acting on the feelings that were slowly eating away at her in regards to Hotch.
A shaky breath falls from her lips, as she makes her way up the familiar steps, the clicking of her heels against the cobblestone, oddly comforting. Her hand is poised to make contact with the wood, but before it can, the door begins to unlock and just like the last time she was here, her oceanic gaze is held by his familiar onyx and she can't stop herself from flushing.
Her stomach tightens at the rare appearance of that damn dimple in his left cheek. Once again, his voice is low and husky, its timber spreading a warmth throughout her body. "I figured you would have gotten out of your car sooner this time, JJ."
Her grin is shaky – just like the last time – and she makes her same quip. "I really hate profilers."
This time the dimple stays in place, but his response is the same. "Knowing you were outside has nothing to do with profiling."
There's something about the way he says that...The implication that is behind that statement, has her shivering. She knows he's right...He can profile her (the whole team can) but they don't know her; only he does and that warmth that's been flowing through her body, now settles in the pit of her stomach.
Swallowing hard, she runs her fingers through her hair and bites down on her lip. "I should have called. I can't keep showing up on your doorstep like this – expecting you to let me in at all hours of the night. I'm just going to go."
Before she can turn around, Hotch has his hand on her wrist. He gently pulls her back toward the front door, that's now open wider – the same silent invitation he had given her the last time she showed up on his doorstep.
She lets out a rush of air and shakes her head. Walking through the door, she turns back as he shuts it behind them. "Letting me in doesn't change the fact that I can't keep doing this. I shouldn't have shown up here like this again, Hotch, and you know that."
"I told you this once already, it's fine. Something is on your mind and if coming here will help alleviate that, then I can't turn you away. I know how hard it is to let go of the things we see. I know the pitfalls that happen when you let this job consume you, when it's all you think about. I don't want to see that happen to you, JJ."
The faint glow of the lamp in the corner, highlights the handsomeness of his sharp features and her stomach tightens. Her head is spinning from the low timber of his voice, that easily skates along her nerve endings and she can't stop herself from breathing him in, the crisp, warm smell of his cologne too good to ignore.
"What if I told you, what you don't want to happen to me already has?" She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
His brow furrows, those intense onyx eyes now bathed in confusion. "I don't understand. Are you here because you and Will are having problems?"
A wry grin crosses the plumpness of her pink lips. "You can't have problems when it's over, Hotch."
"I'm sorry." He murmurs stiffly, his stoic persona coming through.
Her heart pounds against her ribcage as she realizes just how close they are. Her nose is filled not just with his cologne, but that heady, masculine scent that is just him and suddenly it's hard for her to breathe. Her eyes drift toward his lips, lingering longer than she knows she should and once again – just like the last time – she isn't sure staring into the endless dark pools of his eyes is doing her any favors.
The pounding of her heart sounds like a runaway train careening off the tracks inside her ears and the next thing she knows, her fingers are touching his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin ghosting across her exploring fingertips.
Her stomach is tight and his name tumbles from her lips, "Hotch."
And just as she has the courage to lean in, to close the small space between them and finally feel his lips on hers, the entire living room is flooded with light and a female voice she doesn't recognize enters the fray.
"Aaron? Is everything okay? It's not another case, is it?"
Somehow JJ finds the strength to tear her eyes away from Hotch's and she finds herself staring into a pair of hazel eyes dazed from sleep. Her stomach goes from tight to slack, dropping to the soles of her feet at the sight of the woman filling up the doorway to the living room.
Glossy chocolate waves frame a model-esque face, flawless ivory skin is dotted by the perfect amount of smattering freckles, plump lips are bruised like crushed rose petals (as if they've been kissed thoroughly) and draped over her alluring, lithe frame was draped by a haphazardly buttoned dress shirt.
Swallowing hard, her eyes leave the stranger and come back to Hotch...Who suddenly feels like a stranger.
Her eyes glisten with tears that they have no right to and her heart is slowly breaking like fragile glass, the shards pricking her and pricking her over and over.
Her voice is shaky and raw as she manages to get out, between sobs that are rising in her suddenly tight throat, "I'll see you in the morning, Hotch."
She's two steps from the door, when the warmth of his hand is covering her wrist again. His intense onyx eyes are softer and pleading. "Tell me, you're all right, JJ. Or at least let me call Garcia so she can be there for you. You can't close yourself off completely because of what happened with Will. I told you, I didn't want to see that happen to you like it did with me."
Her body stiffens and she jerks her hand away. "I'm fine."
She sighs heavily and in a softer tone, murmurs, "I'm fine, Hotch. I swear," before walking out the door.
Her eyes are stinging with tears, she refuses to let fall but by the time she climbs back into her car, one lone tear trails down her cheek and then the floodgates open and she's sobbing while still parked in front of his house.
End Note: The lyrics at the beginning come from Kelly Clarkson's song "Just Missed The Train."
I think we've all felt like JJ at some point in our lives. How we've wanted someone so badly but the timing is off by just a little and we lose them. Anyway...Hopefully this was angsty enough for everyone and BTW, in my head I'm imagining Evangeline Lilly from LOST as Hotch's new love.
And it's for the completely shallow reason that she and Thomas Gibson would look so good together.