Ronaldo awoke to an all too familiar setting: the in-patient ward of the hospital.
What happened this time?
Suddenly Ronaldo remembered. He had become convinced that "Sneeple" were controlling the government, that all communications were secretly being controlled by them. He remembered how he had gone around Beach City, finding "signs" of their behaviour, and how depressed he'd become when Steven pointed out just how ridiculous his assertions were.
Oh my God. STEVEN.
His eyes widened in horror as he remembered the worst of his actions. He had knocked him unconscious, tied him up and tried to fight the Crystal Gems when he thought that they too were Sneeple. Had he really tried to use "psychic ghost powers"? How embarrassing.
Oh. I guess that's how I ended up in the hospital…
His father had insisted when he came home, battered and bruised, rambling about the "Diamond Authority". He could see from his appearance that he probably hadn't slept in days.
"Ronaldo. We need to go to the hospital. You're having another manic episode", his father said, quickly recognizing the significance of his son's behaviour.
To say that Ronaldo had been displeased was an understatement.
"No! You can't force me to go the hospital! It's my right to believe what I believe! What do you know about it? What do you know about anything? You're just a pawn!"
"As a matter of fact, I can force you to go the hospital. Don't make me call the police again", his father replied, weary of having this confrontation, again.
Ronaldo had been in and out of psychiatric care since he was about fourteen. Up until that age, his behaviour had been chalked up to the over-active imagination so common in children.
But one day, he became so wrapped up in his delusion at the time (that he was being followed by ghosts and evil spirits) that he had nearly burned his house down (since fire was the only way to cleanse the evil).
The police had come, and quickly directed him to the nearest psychiatric hospital.
Upon arrival, he was assessed by the attending psychiatrist, who concluded that Ronaldo most likely had bipolar disorder.
His Dad had cried, when he saw him. He asked Ronaldo if this was the sort of life he wanted to live, if he wanted to believe in things that were so patently crazy. He had said that he was terrified of losing his eldest son, in the same way they had lost his mother.
He was hospitalized for several days at that point. He had been furious that he was being held at the hospital against his will. He attempted to lie about his symptoms, but the psychologists quickly saw through his ploys.
He resisted being medicated, at first, strongly feeling that he didn't need it. After all, there was no way he was crazy. The doctors just didn't understand his beliefs. Why should he take an "anti-psychotic"?
He was given little choice, however. After a few days of hospitalization and medication his mania faded. That was the first time he had been forced to reconcile with what he'd said and done.
By God did Ronaldo wish that it had been the last.
Over the years he had managed to lose all of his friends (not that there had ever been many of them), fail several classes and shame himself publically in more ways than most would think humanly possible.
Most people only ever saw Ronaldo when he was in the grips of his mania. There were good reasons for this. When he was depressed he was barely able to function. Not only did the most basic of tasks become intensely laborious, he also became crippled by shame. How could he let people see him, after the things he'd said and done? How could he face them? He knew enough to know that he was the butt of many a cruel joke. The local nutcase.
He'd really done it this time though, hadn't he? He'd hurt Steven, one of the only people (aside from his brother) who had been accepting of him in recent memory. This was quite possibly the most he had ever hated himself.
More than the time he hadn't been able to stop himself from sending creepy text messages to a girl he liked. More than the time he had told Lars that he hated him because of the stuff he said about him behind his back.
"Ronaldo! You have a visitor!"
Ronaldo broke from his reverie at the sound of the nurse's voice.
Peedee entered the room timidly, stepping out from behind the nurse, who quickly left to attend to other things.
"Hey, Ronaldo" he said, a small smile on his face.
"Hey, Peedee. I wish you didn't have to see me like this," Ronaldo said, dejectedly.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like I regret every single one of my life choices up until this point", Ronaldo replied, his eyes fixed firmly on the floor.
"That bad, huh?" Peedee took that opportunity to sit down next to Ronaldo on the hospital bed he'd been provided.
"Honestly, that doesn't even begin to describe it. I hurt someone. Really, actually hurt someone…" Ronaldo's eyes began to fill with tears as his voice trailed off.
"Steven's fine. Honestly, I don't think he's even upset with you"
"Maybe so, but that doesn't change what I did. Or all those things I said. How could I be so stupid? How could I have thought any of that stuff about sneeple and conspiracies?"
"Stupid doesn't have anything to do with it. It's not your fault. This is something that happens to you sometimes", Peedee said firmly, looking his brother square in the eye. Ronaldo looked away, again fixing his eyes on the floor.
"But what about when this happens again? What if I hurt someone even worse next time?"
"You don't know that's going to happen. You can't predict the future"
"Maybe not, but it is very likely, bipolar being what it is"
Peedee said nothing, instead wrapping his arms around Ronaldo for a hug.
"Well, I still love you, Dad does too"
"You really shouldn't waste your time. Everyone knows I'm just a mental patient"
"Unfortunately, you don't get to have any say in the matter" Peedee glanced at the clock. "I can't stay much longer. I promised Dad I'd help at the shack in fifteen minutes"
"Go ahead. I don't want to make you late. Done enough damage as it is"
Peedee gave his brother one last hug.
"I'll see you again soon"
And with that, Ronaldo was alone again.
Maybe Steven's forgiven me, but I sure as hell don't forgive myself.
Knowing that that particular line of thinking wasn't likely to get him anywhere useful he turned on his laptop and turned on his favourite episode of "Muffy, Slayer of the Vampyres".
And so life for Ronaldo went on, because it had to.