"Your partner can not know about this. Is that understood Mr. Deeks?"

If it was anyone other than Hetty issuing the order, he knew he would have fought it. He would have fought to the ends of the earth not to hurt her this way. However, it was necessary and Hetty knew it, and he knew it. He knew it just as much as he knew that he was throwing away all of the hard earned trust between them… And for what? For his job. He knew, given the choice she would sacrifice that trust for the job, for the mission, as well. He just hoped, for her sake that she will never be in this position, will never have to make this choice.

He played his part well, he had to make it look good, had to make sure she didn't question him too much. Because if she did, if his partner pushed, he didn't know if he would be able to continue the lie. She was already questioning their position in the mission, he knew he had to distract her from her instincts that something was off. He hated lying to her, treating her like any mark on one of their undercover assignments. He hated making her feel as if what she said wasn't as important to him as the backside of a runner.

….

"I'm here for you, ok?"

He hated pushing her away when she wanted to help him, when she came to him to be his shoulder to lean on. He never thought in a million years he would ever push Kensi away when she offered herself to him. He had spent the past year and a half trying to get her to open up to him, to let him in and to help her feel comfortable on a personal level. And now here she was, as he worked out his frustrations in their gym, trying to tell him she was there for him, she wanted to be there for him, and he was ordered not to let her in. She thought he was angry with himself for shooting an unarmed man, she had no idea he was really beating himself up for misleading her this way, for lying to her and using her.

….

"We were what we were, and it's over now"

Those words pierced through his heart. He pushed her away and she retreated even further, she had been trying to open up, to let down her walls and instead he succeeded in strengthening those walls. He doubted he would have been able to get behind them with a bulldozer on a good day, but now? Now that he just told her it's not a good time to let him in, when she actually wanted to, now he knows he just virtually poured cement over every crack he has ever made in her fortress of self defense. And he couldn't do anything about it except hurry up this horrible conversation and get this op over with as quickly as possible.

"I will call you and we will figure it out" He knew it was a low blow, knew that she could see through it. He couldn't help himself, he had to add "We always do" because he needed to believe that they would. He needed to believe that after this conversation they would still be able to figure it out. The alternative was inconceivable. They would figure it out. Those were the words he repeated over and over in his head, hoping that maybe by saying it to her, they would replay in her head as well.

…

As he walked through the hallways of the police precinct he couldn't help but feel a gaping hole in his stomach. He couldn't help but compare the impersonal nods of coworkers to her smiles that welcomed him when he walked into the bullpen. He couldn't help but wonder if he would ever receive those warm smiles from her anymore when all of this was done, when he was finally back where he belonged.

…..

"And that is one woman I would not want to cross."

He spoke to Kensi! Good, that was good news. He tried not to focus too much on this good news and instead focus on getting off the window ledge and back inside the precinct. Once safely inside and off the phone, he breathed a sigh of relief. Relief that he hadn't been caught, relief that someone was telling Kensi right now, or in the near future that it had all been a lie, an elaborate set up for him to find the mole in the LAPD. The relief was short lived, as he got up, still debating who to trust, and remembered that the truth being revealed to Kensi also revealed that he had lied to her, used her. And if Bates was ever right about one thing, it was that you do not want to cross Kensi Marie Blye, something she was just now finding out he had done. God, sometimes he hated this job.

….

"I have plans. Every night for the rest of my life"

Well, I kind of deserved that. Probably shouldn't have let my mouth run like that anyways, what the hell was I doing bringing up 'our thing' right now? This woman, this homicidally angry and adorable woman appears to make me lose my mind. God it feels good to have my partner back sitting next to me. Even if she is shooting daggers out of her eyes. Maybe we really will figure it all out.

…..

It almost hurt him that she believed him, that she fell for the lies. Did she really think that if their partnership were ever terminated it would mean the end of them? He couldn't fathom losing both his partner in NCIS and his best friend. He couldn't fathom how she believed he would just walk away from her, that she didn't mean more to him than a coworker. He could get over losing his NCIS friendships, he could survive just fine on his own, he always had. But he knew he could never get over losing her, he could never abandon her so callously. Was she really so oblivious to how much she meant to him? To how much she would always mean to him?

So he got out of his car and walked up to her door. 'I can't lose her, we always figure it out' those were the thoughts he clung to as he knocked. He didn't know what he was going to say to her when she opened the door… if she opened the door. But still he knocked, because they always figured it out.

"What!" ok… not the hello he would have preferred, not exactly the invitation inside he craved, but at least she opened the door.

He scratched his hair, just staring at her, trying to think of what to say. It usually wasn't so hard for him to think of something, especially not with Kensi, but he found no words would come. He ruffled his hair again, trying to buy himself some time, trying to think of what to say to get her to let him in. When it appeared this just wasn't working he tried a different approach; he just stopped thinking. He stood there for what felt like long minutes, but he knew in reality were only seconds. He reminded himself what she had looked like running towards him and Bates, desperate to get him out of the way of the bomb. That's when the words came, when he wasn't thinking about what to say exactly. "We always figure it out. I… I just… we need to figure it out ok? Because the hurt that I see in your eyes, it's hurting me right now."

"Of course… everything is about you." Kensi says as she rolls her eyes, but that's ok because she's opening the door wider, motioning him in. "I want an explanation Deeks. I deserve one."

"Okay. Okay. Um. I… I swore off female partners because they're just trouble. Something inevitably happens, and then it's just… trouble. One partner falls for the other, or both of them fall for each other, and the next thing you know someone gets hurt, and I don't mean relationship hurt, I mean on the job hurt, like hospital HURT. Either that, or there's absolutely nothing between you and then you just don't… click, mesh? Whatever. Who wants to work with someone they don't mesh with!?" I know this isn't the explanation she's really after, but I need to start somewhere, and I know I'm messing this up, just like I did in the bullpen earlier, but I can't seem to stop. I need her to understand. "But with you, I'm not scared of trouble. Because… we always figure it out. So even when you're ready to kill me with your eyes, or you know, slit my jugular from the backseat of my car…. All I care about is that we're partners. Because I don't want any other partner, trouble or not. Female or not… ok we're not getting back into THAT, it's just… what we have, it's special."

She swallows, arches an eyebrow, looks pretty cute trying to digest what I just said… I hope I said it right. And when she finally responds I think that maybe I did. "You didn't act like it was special when you left me in the dark today" she shrugs.

"Then that should help you understand how hard it was for me to do that, and how much I hated it, knowing that I… wasn't making you feel special. That I was hurting you. I don't ever want to hurt you, even if it is to protect you…. I'm sorry."

Her sigh of acceptance fills the hole in my heart that's been gnawing at me all day. I finally feel content; I finally feel whole. She's my partner, my Kensi, and we always figure it out.