Author's Note: This story came to be after I watched an interview of Joanne Kelly and she said how she didn't think Myka would want children. It was then that I thought about the prompt of what if Myka didn't know she wanted children until she couldn't have them.
Helena stands in the doorway of the library taking in the sight before her. On the window seat sits Myka as beautiful as ever, the only light is coming from the full moon outside. It bathes her fair skin making is seem as though she glows. She has her knees pulled up to her chest making her look small and frail. The sight pulls at Helena's heart.
Helena walks into the library towards her love. She gently sits down beside her. Myka doesn't move, doesn't even acknowledge Helena's presence even though Helena is aware Myka knows she is there.
If Helena thought Myka was beautiful from afar the sight up close takes her breath away. She studies the woman who stares up at the night sky. Her eyes shine with unshed tears which show the reflection of the moon.
"Penny for your thoughts, darling?" Helena speaks softly, her voice merely a whisper. For a while Myka doesn't reply. Helena waits, allowing the woman to sort through the jumble of words, thoughts and feelings that are currently occupying her mind. Finally the younger woman sighs.
"You know, I never wanted children." She says her voice thick with emotion but she doesn't try to clear it. She knows it's useless, she knows she won't be able too. She looks at Helena who is looking at her with nothing but love, concern and even a bit of understanding. Myka sighs again and her brow furrows as she tries to sort through her thoughts again.
"No. It's not that I never wanted children. It just never seemed like the right fit. Work was always, my number one priority and a child never fit into that. I never considered it, I never thought about it. Much to my mother's dismay." She says as her lips tug into a small smile.
"Yet now, now that I am faced with the reality that I will never have a child I realize how much I want it, Helena. I want it so bad." She says looking at Helena, a few tears manage to wrestle free and fall silently in perfect little drops down her cheeks. Helena gently wipes them away with her thumbs, but says nothing. Allowing Myka to think, to feel.
"I feel like I am grieving, like I just lost my child." Myka stops, her eyes go wide and she tries to pull away from Helena. Helena holds her tight, knowing what Myka is thinking. Helena hushes her and puts a finger gently to her lips to stop the apology she knows is on the tip of Myka's tongue.
"It's okay, darling." Helena soothes. "You have nothing to apologize for. Yes, I lost my child. My Christina. Yet you, Myka. You have helped me heal. Now you have lost something and I will help you heal. Pain is pain, darling. This loss you are feeling is no different then my own. You will get through this, Myka. I promise I am here, I am not going anywhere."
Helena pulls Myka close, as the younger woman finally lets the tears fall. Myka cries for a child she will never have, for a future she didn't know she wanted and she cries for Helena, for Helena's loss and understanding, for her love and her promise. All the pent of emotions rush out at once in an unattractive display of grief and pain. Myka cries for her health, her anger and her fears. With Helena holding her safety in her arms, Myka finally allows herself to cry.