It all started with two fated words that carried more weight for one of the members of the most Distinguished and Recognized criminal organizations in the world. This particular Distinguished and Recognized organization was made up of seven Distinguished and Recognized men and one Positively Evil woman. At this point in time, the seventh man, commonly known as The Leader, burst through the door and uttered those fateful words.
"We're broke!" He turned the wrath of his gaze upon the mini soap opera in the corner of the Super Secret Headquarters.
"Hang on, Kakazu," yelled a blonde man in a pink bathrobe while shaking a silver haired man that seemed to be having his soul sucked out.
Another man playing with play-doh in the corner looked up in surprise then teared up considerably. "What will I use for snack money?"
A long black haired man looked up from his book titled 700 Ways to Kill People with Spoons and glared at the interfering Leader and psychotic comrades.
A man that looked strangely like a green plant looked up from the bottle of Weed Killer he was trying to pour down the sink before hurriedly sticking it back under the counter.
Another man sitting beside the presumed 'Spoon Killer' pushed up his reading glasses on his sharky face and serenely sat his book, Loch Ness Unleashed, down beside him.
And last but not least, the single blue haired woman in the corner guarding a cookie jar just glared indecisively at The Leader.
As you can now guess, if you haven't already, this Distinguished and Recognized organization is none other than the Akatsuki, masters of such slogans as 'Wreaking Havoc in Your Own Back Yard!" and 'We Kill and Look Pretty Doing It!". It was a sad day in the Super Secret Headquarters today as The Leader had went to the trusted and friendly BB&T Bank to withdraw an amount of $100,000 dollars to fix the water heater and repair other such oddities around the house that his irresponsible team had inflicted upon the Headquarters the last time he had left them alone to go grocery shopping.
The Leader swung his head around to face Hidan. "Where's the money," he roared.
"No money. . . No money. . . No money. . . "
The Leader turned away from Kakazu's incoherent mutterings to see the rest of his team looking somewhat guilty and utterly innocent at once minus Kakazu's mutterings and strange chants. Then he noticed a very shiny, very bright, and very incriminating red ribbon coming from the hallway. He began to walk straight to the hallway until his way was blocked by a stuttering Tobi.
"N- No, Leader Sir! You can't go back there!"
The Leader leaned closer and eyed the little man. "And why. . . can't I go back there?"
Tobi's single visible eye began to water as tears threatened. "You won't hurt me will you?"
The Leader leaned back and sighed. "No, I won't hurt you. After all, it's always been my dream to raise a bunch of mindless killers that would throw kunai at water heaters, sew hearts on my super awesome water bed, put clay bombs in my underwear drawer as 'surprises', eat the numerous goldfish I used to possess, turn my priceless stolen possessions into flowerpots, and, after all that, spend all my money so that we can live off fifteen cent ramen noodles for the rest of our lives."
Tobi clasped his hands together and kicked one foot high in the air in a joyous jump. "I knew you would like the hearts, Leader-sama!"
The Leader rolled his eyes. "Tobi. . ," he said dangerously.
"Merry Christmas, Leader-sama," cried Tobi as he jumped for a hug but caught only air as The Leader brushed past him.
Pein was astounded as he burst into what used to be their dining room. A huge tree decorated with popcorn and paper chains stood in the middle of the room. Gifts of every shape, size, and color crowded around the base of the tree. Pein's eyes widened.
As baby ducks follow their mother, the whole of the Akatsuki made their way to see what had taken their Leader's breath away. Needless to say, the rest of the Akatsuki was almost as speechless.
Tobi broke the silence. "Do you like it, Leader-sama," he asked while worriedly rubbing his hands together.
"We kill you," said Zetsu while shooting a glare at Tobi.
Tobi let out a scream that did not befit a Super Secret Criminal Organization in any way and presumed to hide behind the large tree.
"Wait," whispered Pein as he stuck a hand out.
"He has disgraced an honorable plant! How dare he treat my brethren so!"
"Shut up," snapped Pein tossing a chilling glare toward Zetsu which immediately withered him into silence. "There's still time. We can take all of this stuff back and return it."
"Nope," chirped an oddly happy Tobi. "I removed all the tags and threw away the reciepts! It's only polite!"
The flicker of hope died in Kakazu's eyes. "I will kill you," he yelled and jumped on the Christmas tree in pursuit of the Abomination.
The rest of the happy family scrambled for cover as the huge tree that Tobi would claim was 'the biggest and most beautiful tree in the whole wide world' began to topple on the family of Mass Murderers that screamed, sauntered, and crawled away from the falling tree that they had to agree was definitely very big if not the biggest.
"AHHHHHH!" sqealed Tobi as Kakazu caught his ankle and squeezed.
"You. . . Will. . . DIE!!!!" Kakazu's bloodshot eyes left no doubt in Tobi's presumably small brain that his end was quite near.
Zetsu hugged the tree with tears rolling down his face and cried, "I will avenge you, Brother!" He turned his gaze on Tobi and glared for all he was worth.
Hidan's silver head popped up. "Oh yeah! A fight! Let me in on the action!" He slid a bear trap out of his cloak and smiled savagely.
Tobi's eyes widened and he decided that if his doom had been decided earlier it was now guaranteed. "Hidan-san. . . Uh. . . Don't you want your presents?" Tobi's eyes pleaded with him. "It's much better than a bear trap!"
Hidan looked from his questionable weapon back to Tobi's pleading face and decided that an ill and oddly acquired bear trap is actually not an ideal weapon. "Stop, guys and let's see what this freak bought for us." Tobi's eyes lit up until Hidan threw him an evil glare once more. "And if it's pantyhose again, I'm murdering your ass."
Tobi shrunk back in fear and nodded before bouncing back to his happy and lovable self. "Let's open gifts, everyone!"
He began to hand out gifts wrapped in Strawberry Shortcake themed Christmas paper until each member had a stack of gifts that was nearly as tall as him or her.
"Ugh! What kinda pansy wraps stuff in Strawberry Shortcake?" Hidan glanced over at Tobi happily making daisy chains and singing a catchy tune. "Never mind. I don't wanna know."
"Tobi!" An angry Diedara marched over with his hands on his hips. "How dare you give me this!" He thrust out a pearly white dress dripping in pearls and sparkling diamonds that radiated wealth and brilliance.
"Wow," sighed Kakazu eyes sparkling. "It looks so expensive. . . Diedara, I'll take it if you don't want it. I can only dream of the amount of digits it would sell for on Ebay!"
Diedara yanked the dress back. "Now that you mention it. . . It has a sort of artistic beauty to it." A mutual round of rolling eyes graced him. "What?! I'll use it as a. . . reference!"
"Diedara, you're blushing," deadpanned Itachi.
"Shut up, Freak! I bet what you got was much worse!"
Itachi's eyebrow twitched in annoyance.
"Whatever," mumbled Diedara. "I'll just go sulk in my room if anyone wants to find me."
Itachi watched him scuttle off to his door that had numerous clippings of famous art pieces centered around a large cutout of the Mona Lisa.
"What did you get, Itachi," asked a voice from above.
Itachi looked to see Kisame happily munching potato chips wearing new Jaws and A Shark Tale gear. Itachi returned his gaze to the partly opened gift. "It appears as if I have recieved a computer game titled The Sims 3." He looked up at Tobi. "Why did you find this fitting to my person?"
"Well," said Tobi placing a finger to his cheek. "I put myself in your shoes of course! I said to myself: If I was a mindlesss psycopathic killer that hated human contact and despised all things cute and cuddly, what would I want? And then it came to me! A fun game where I could control the lives of people and set their doom before them!"
Itachi looked at the game with new found interest. "Nice. . . " An evil smile split his face.
Hidan let out a stream of good natured cussing as he hauled his new gift over to the groups to show it off. "Look," he proclaimed holding up a large wooden staff that was nearly a good three inches thick. On the top, a sculpted hand grasped a milky globe that flashed different colors. Along the wooden part, a vine with thorns and small goblins clinging to it was burnt along the sides that twisted and turned.
"Wow. . . Hidan, why is it so wonderful," asked Kisame at a total loss as he popped another Nemo gummy into his mouth.
A look that befit the goblins more than a human being graced Hidan's face. "It's got an evil and holy aura surrounding it. . ." He hunched over it and rubbed the wood laughing menacingly, then he smiled as if the best news in the world had just come to him. "It's also weighted perfectly to bash people's heads in!"
The group watched Hidan scuttle off to his room. His door had mysterious red patches on it that nobody had dared ask what they were for fear of the truth.
"Holy crap," said a petrefied Kisame. "That was dang scary! I hope he never actually uses that. I'll wet my pants for sure!"
"TMI, Kisame. TMI." Itachi covered his face exasperatedly.
Kakazu shivered, whether from Kisame's sudden revelation or Hidan's previous action, we will never know. "Uh. . . What did you get, Zetsu?"
Zetsu blankly held up a jumbo jug of Miracle Grow. "I feel I'm being stereotyped," he muttered darkly.
Kakazu patted him on the back in a consoling manner. "I feel like I'm being underestimated." He held up his gift, a book titled Making Money for Dummies. "As if I don't know how to make money! Or are ever even broke!"
They looked over to see Tobi toting a large vase out the back door.
"What's that for," inquired Kisame curiously but also with a little dread.
Tobi smiled happily. "It's a new urn for Sasori-sama! He was always such a good boy. . ." He teared up and began to bawl.
"Kisame!" shouted a majorly ticked off Diedara. "Shut up that wierdo in there! I'm trying to. . . paint!"
Itachi raised his eyebrows. "Am I the only one who finds that statement somewhat. . . decietful?"
"No," answered the other Mad Killers glumly- exclucing Tobi who was crying his eyes out.
"Kakazu, go help Tobi tote that thing out to Sasori's cave." He rubbed his eyes tiredly.
"What?! I'm not going to that pansy's cave full of dolls and his Jim Henson collection!" He shuddered.
"Well, it was your bright idea to dump it all out there," pointed out Kisame.
"Do you know how much that would cost to take to the dump?! Two whole dollars!! We don't have that kind of money!"
A collected sigh greeted his response.
"Besides, Zetsu is perfect for the job!" He threw an arm around Zetsu's shoulders. "I'd bet you'd want to confer with your little tree friends about the terrible holiday of Christmas anyway, right?" Kakazu tried to produce an award winning smile but completely failed as his smile looked quite creepy.
"I'll eat him," said Zetsu darkly. "If you make me go to that cave, I'll eat him."
Kakazu backed up and began to wander off with Tobi to the cave muttering such things as how he wouldn't ever pay the bills again and therefore confining his teammates to very dull existences.
"Well," sighed Kisame. "At least that's finished! Now what?"
"I'm going to water my daisies," said Zetsu. "And if Tobi has picked another one for a daisy chain, I promise that I will replace the 'Friendly Daisy Box' with the 'Man Eating Daisy Box'."
". . .Okay," replied an unsure Kisame. "Itachi?"
"I'm going to wreck lives on your laptop," he replied staring at the cover of the now intriguing computer game.
"Don't you think you should ask before doing that?"
Itachi glared at Kisame a moment before Kisame sighed. "Fine, but you are not erasing my Finding Nemo music videos for that thing."
Kisame looked around him at the mass of wrapping paper and fallen tree limbs till he noticed two people still in the rooom. Pein and Konan were staring blankly at their gifts with little enthusiasm present in their faces. Kisame wandered up beside Konan to stare over her shoulder. She was holding a book with many very scrumptuous and positively reeking with sugar items.
"The Best Dinner Sugestions Possible," he read slowly.
Konan looked up at him darkly. "Kisame, do I seem like your maid?"
"No," he responded blankly thinking of all the times he had been beaten when he had asked her to clean up her mess or put the dishes away.
"Then why was I bought a cook book, pots, pans, and a chocolate fountain for Christmas?"
Kisame pondered this for a moment. "Don't you like the chocolate fountain?"
"Yes, but answer my question."
"Your the best cook in the entire household," he responded matter of factly.
She smiled sweetly. "I always knew there was a reason I liked you." Her face darkened once more. "But that doesn't mean you get my chocolate fountain."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"Good boy."
Kisame wandered over to Pein only to be greeted by a question.
"What kind of idiot," he began, "gives a gift card to Chili's with $200,000 on it as a Christmas present?"
Kisame's eyes bulged out of his head, and he grabbed for the card. "Let me see that!" True enough, the card was to Chili's and had the exact sum of $200,000 on it. His mouth began to water as his brain was assaulted with images of steak, mashed potatoes, and chicken. "At least it's a change from Diedara's flavored miso and Itachi's 'just imagine you're eating something because I don't cook' food!" Kisame's voice came out more in praise of Tobi's foresight than anything else.
Pein turned to find tears flowing down Kisame's blue cheeks into his gills. "Don't cry. You'll choke on it."
"I know. I know," replied Kisame wiping his eyes. "It's just it was Kakazu's turn to cook tomorrow night."
Pein briefly remembered the last dinner Kakazu had concocted. He had merely slapped some grass from the yard on everyone's plates and claimed it to be a free salad. "We're using that tomorrow night," he affirmed.
With a very furious nod, Kisame agreed wholeheartedly. He had never been so glad to eat out in his life. "What now," he asked Pein.
"Well," said Pein standing up and staring in awe at his gift card. "Tomorrow we're all going job hunting."
"Assasinations? Mugging? Burglary?" Kisame had previously engaged in all these activities apparently.
"No," sighed Pein. "We're going to do the most daring thing a criminal organization can ever do."
"What," asked Kisame.
"We're going to lose our pride and dignity as Mass Murderers. We're going to get jobs. Real jobs."
Kisame wrinkled his nose at this terrible news. "But we're the Akatsuki! The most feared organization in all the world! Murdering is a much better way of living! Heck! We could always auction off Zetsu's wierd creations out in the greenhouse as drugs in some backwoods alley! At least that would be more along our lines."
Pein glared dangerously at him. "And if you get caught. . ."
"We'll tear whoever caught us to shreds."
"If they defeat you. . ."
"Then you'll pay the fine and we'll. . . Oh. Yeah." Kisame suddenly felt embarassed at his own stupidity.
Pein patted Kisame on the shoulder. "Get some sleep. You'll need it."
Kisame watched Pein wander off into his door that had a very prominent sign on it stating Death to Whoever Enters! on it. Kisame sighed and walked over to his and Itachi's shared room. Itachi was intently putting many lives in danger on his laptop.
"Hey, Itachi," Kisame said. "We have to get jobs tomorrow and do all sorts of work so. . . uh. . . get to bed soon, ok?"
Itachi's eyes never left the screen as he replied. "Later, Kisame. Sasuke is about to marry Sakura."
"WHAT!?"
Itachi swiveled his chair around to face Kisame. "Really, Kisame! It's just a game!"
"Why are Sasuke and Sakura on it?"
Itachi didn't smile but a hint of one was tugging at his lips.
"I made us too. Look. There are you, Kisame."
Kisame peered at the screen seeing a blue alien-like man cleaning the toilet and wearing a very distinct black and white outfit. "Am I. . . the maid?"
"Correction," said Itachi raising up a finger. "You are MY maid. In fact, I have made you all my slaves except for Pein and Konan, who have moved out to start a life of their own."
Kisame shivered unsure whether he should watch further. "Well, you enjoy that, but don't forget to go to sleep, eventually." He glanced on the screen to what appeared to be Diedara in a pink frilly mini skirt and tank top walking by the front door. He shuddered before turning away and silently vowing never to watch Itachi ruin lives on a laptop again.
--
Well, that's my first chapter! ^^ Please review and give me opinions. I love reviewers, and I want to know what everyone found humorous or very non-humorous in this cuz this is a comedy after all! LOL But anyway, if you enjoyed review!
Merry Christmas!