The knocking was loud, thunderous. Bonnie had been listening to it for the past forty-five minutes. More than once the urge to yell, fuck off and go away! itched at her throat but that would've ruined the she-wasn't-in-her-dorm ruse she'd been putting on even though she knew that Kai knew she was home. Even though she knew he wouldn't go away until she opened the door.
As if on cue, he began to yell. "I know you're in there, Bonnie! And honestly I think I deserve credit for staying outside and not breaking the door down like I want to!"
Still she said nothing.
"Bonnie, just open the door! You remember Say Anything? Were you even around for Say Anything? John Cusack? Ione Skye? Anyway, you remember the boombox and bedroom window scene? You see where this is going?"
Bonnie rolled her eyes at the image of Kai standing outside her building with a huge radio above his head, blasting Peter Gabriel. He wasn't that type of guy. They weren't that type of … Bonnie closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. She couldn't bring herself to say the word. Couple. They weren't a couple — they did none of the things that couples did — no dates, no parental meet and greets. And she didn't want any of that. Not with him.
"Dammit, Bonnie!"
She covered her ears with her hands and started rocking her head back and forth, squeezing her eyes shut as if that would make the knocking stop.
"So you admitted to having feelings for me, so what. It's nothing I didn't already know!"
Bonnie stopped cradling her head and turned sharply toward the door. What? Feelings? Was he insane? Quickly, she got up from her bed, fury her catalyst, and rushed toward the door. She wrenched it open with such force the hinges squeaked in protest.
"I never said I had feelings for you!" she yelled. "Never. Are you delusional? Do you recall those words ever coming out of my mouth because they did not!"
Kai grinned. "There she is."
Bonnie narrowed her eyes and groaned in frustration, clenching one of her hands into a fist.
"You can hit me if it'll make you feel better about answering the door."
"Do not tempt me, Kai."
His grin widened into a smile and he pushed past her so that Bonnie had to move to the side. He walked into her dorm. "I've never seen your room in the daylight."
"I didn't say you could come in!"
"That's never stopped me before."
"What do you want?"
"You don't always get to dictate when I see you."
"What are you talking about? I never get to dictate when I see you. You keep showing up unannounced and agitated and —"
"Yeah after not seeing you for three weeks because you're going through one of your freakouts. Which is what you were going to do now because you said you had feel—"
"I never said that!"
"You said I was yours."
"That doesn't mean—" Bonnie stopped talking. A spot on the corner of Kai's shirt caught her eye. It was small. And red. Blood. Dried blood. Bonnie swallowed.
"Did you feed before coming here?"
"Yeah," said Kai. "Why?"
"Nothing," said Bonnie, an edge to her voice. "No reason."
Kai raised his eyebrows and Bonnie looked determinedly above his shoulder to nothing in particular.
"You don't like it that I fed."
"Of course I don't like it that you fed." She paused and then muttered beneath her breath, "Vampires."
"That's not what I mean." Kai kept staring at her and Bonnie suddenly felt the impulse to slap him so he'd stop. "You're jealous," he said.
"You," said Bonnie. "Are an idiot."
"Tell me you're not jealous."
"I'm not jealous."
"You're lying."
"You always think I'm lying when I tell you something you don't want to hear."
"Because you're always lying when you do."
Bonnie turned around so that her back was to him and put her hand to her forehead. He was right. She couldn't stand it that he'd fed from someone else and it terrorized her with guilt, with disgust at the yearning she suffered, at the yearning she suffered daily, hourly, every minute she was apart from him, the yearning for his fangs in her skin, for the sense of power that electrified her body when he drank from her. It was a unique sensation; it was the kind of pleasure that only came with a desire for danger, that only came with surrendering to your own depravity. It was thrilling. Exhilarating. Arousing. And for someone else to experience that with him … Bonnie clenched her jaw and ran her fingers through her hair. What the hell is wrong with me? Whoever Kai fed from didn't ask for his bite. Whoever Kai fed from was probably dead. And while that fact intensified her guilt, it also fuelled her hatred and as long as she hated Kai, she wouldn't be free of him; she'd want to conquer him. Master him. She'd want him. Bonnie never thought being driven crazy by desire was possible. Not until she met him.
"Bonnie," said Kai.
"Don't," she snapped.
"Bonnie, do you know how many people I've killed just so I could try and forget the taste of your blood?"
"Oh my God!" Bonnie whirled around to face him again. "What is wrong with you? Is that supposed to make me happy?"
"No," said Kai. "I'm just telling you the truth. I can't feed from you alone. If I did, I wouldn't be able to stop, I'd kill you."
"Well at least I wouldn't feel this way anymore if I were dead."
"And what about me?" said Kai. "I'd just have to live with the fact that I killed you? Live with that forever? You would really be that spiteful?"
"It'd probably be the only way we'd be even," said Bonnie harshly. She looked at Kai's expression and sighed heavily. "But I wouldn't give my life just to terrorize yours, there are other ways of doing that no matter how less effective they may be. I'd never die for you."
"Well it's good to know there's one person you wouldn't die for."
"You're not funny," she said.
"It wasn't a joke," said Kai waspishly.
"Kai—"
"What did you mean when you said I was yours?"
"Since when did we need to define what this is?"
"It's a simple question."
"Nothing about this is simple! Nothing about this is normal. Nothing about this is right!"
"So fine, answer me this," said Kai. "Do you really want me to leave you alone or do you want to continue what this is?"
Bonnie looked at him, her lips pressed together, her expression resigned and her eyes shining with tears she'd never shed. She looked at Kai for a long time before answering.
"Both," she said.