Just before I left the court room, I managed to glance in the direction I had last seen Dimitri. He was staring right at me, teary-eyed. Not sure what I should make of that, but oh well, nothing I could do about it now. He also managed to mouth the words I am so sorry and I won't let anything happen to you. Great! Now he shows compassion. When I went out of my way, broke so many rules, and committed treason by breaking out Victor in order to get information on how to turn Dimitri back, he was nowhere to be found. Granted he never asked me to do those things and I did it because I loved him so much, but still after I saved him he stated that he "never wanted to see me" and, that "love fades". That's the thanks I got. I was so hurt and now him showing compassion only makes my heart hurt even more. Maybe that is why I chose not to listen to him when he told me to leave him alone because deep down inside I knew that he had feelings about me, but the truth is I probably shouldn't have been so selfish and concentrated on being a guardian.
At this very moment it feels as if my life is over all because I have been so reckless and irresponsible that now I was being accused of murdering the queen. The queen and I had our differences, but I would never have resorted in killing her that is just wrong and doesn't ever solve anything. Granted I have been trained to kill; but I would never in my life use it against a Moroi or another Dhampir, that is just pure evil. Now that Dimitri has been saved I probably wouldn't want to kill a strigoi that had been turned unwillingly, instead I would want them to be saved. The only type of person I would kill would be a moroi who has murdered another and therefore is now a strigoi.
What did I do in my life that deserves this kind of treatment, do I just have that many enemies, who would rather see me dead then see me thrive. I am feel like I am drowning and nothing anyone can do can change that, not even Dimitri, not even myself. Damn-it! I am so confused and for the first time I am actually really scared. I feel so hopeless. I don't know who I can trust and I don't really know if Dimitri actually does care about me or if he is just reacting habitually. I should have been less reckless. Too late now, I guess, the evidence is just too great. I feel so stupid. All my short life I took risks, endangered other people's lives in order to help myself, and doing what I thought was helping others-and especially, keeping my best friend safe. Why do I always open my big mouth? My mouth seems to get me into no end of trouble-especially since threatening Queen Tatiana was part of the evidence they presented in court to prove that I murdered the queen.
I should have just accepted that the love of my life, my soul mate, was lost to me forever when he turned strigoi. True, I would have been completely heartbroken but would have eventually gotten over this heartache. Why didn't I just kill Dimitri when I had the chance? Why didn't I just stay down the right path and be the guardian I was meant to be? No ….wait, I can tell you that. I was stupidly in love and blinded. Love was my driving force and unfortunately I was willing to put others in harm's way all because I wanted to save Dimitri, he was my soul-mate. I have always been like that, reacting before thinking things through.