The Doctor let the smile slide from his face as he shut the door. He had dropped Donna off to see her family for awhile, leaving him alone. The Doctor wanted to shout or cry or possibly both. His hearts ached. It had been several years since he'd lost her, several years since she had gone. He gently picked up her jacket and brought it to his face. The jacket was one that he remembered from his past. He'd been a different man then, so angry and sad and lonely. It had only taken him a few hours to see that he needed her. His grumpy, gruff self had seen it and he had asked her, twice. His beautiful pink and yellow human. He had fallen for her even then, loved her. Never had he been so attached to someone, never had anyone changed him so much as she had. The moment he took her hand, his hearts were hers. He doubted she'd want a grumpy old man like him. Even when he'd changed, he doubted it. But things changed ever so slightly, he saw things, things she did. She cared for him, and obviously liked him on some level. It took almost losing her on Krop Torr before he saw what it was. She loved him on some level, she was crying and he held her, a few tears of his own escaping. She never saw them. Even when he took her home later, she didn't see.
Jackie Tyler obviously knew though, she cornered him when his Rose was in bed. Jackie Tyler stood glaring, her hands on her hips and accused him.
"What's wrong with you?" she demanded.
The Doctor sighed at the woman's theatrics, but stayed silent. He let his shoulders and the mask over his features drop. Jackie Tyler was shocked at the state he was in. It only took her moments to figure it out. The Doctor was silent, but a brief flash of pain and fear was all Jackie needed to see.
"Oh Doctor. Sit down." He sat on her couch, hands in his lap. "What happened?"
The Doctor told her everything, not bothering to censor his own emotions from the tale. Jackie just listened, hiding the recording device beside her leg. When he finished she finally spoke again.
"Doctor, it wasn't your fault."
"How can you say that?!" He snapped eyes flashing suddenly.
"She never would have been hurt, she never would have even been there if it weren't for me. She almost died!"
"But she didn't." Jackie said softly.
"Doctor, you made her stay on the space station, if she had gone down with you, she would have died. You made her stay, why?"
"What?"
"Why did you make her stay on that station?"
"I don't know!" He said frustrated. He was pacing now, agitated as Jackie continued on.
"You sent her home to me once, even if it meant you would have no escape, why? You made sure she couldn't follow you back, why? Everytime you go someplace, you always look to make sure she's safe first. Why Doctor, why if humans are so insignificant, so unimportant in the universe do you keep traveling with her? You know wherever you go is dangerous and still you take her, and when she inevitably ends up in danger, you save her and bring her back to me. Why do you do it Doctor?"
"I…" he was unable to finish as he realized how Jackie had caught him.
"I can't let her go." He finally said and then he was talking too fast. "I can't ever let her go, I can't move on, I won't ever move on. She's to perfect for me, I know I'm no good for her but I can't let her go. Even if I tried, I couldn't not have her with me. I didn't have anyone, have anything before her. I wanted to die, but I didn't. I was a harsh, gruff, grieving old man, but she saw through it. She knew. I lost my hearts to Rose Tyler the second I took her hand. She knew my pain, she made me better, she fixed me, taught me to be a better person, she made me different, made me a man I could be proud of, a man who helped, who lived up to his name. She knew everything and still she gave me everything I needed. She gave me a purpose when I was dead, she gave me a reason to live.
DAMMIT!"
Jackie jumped in suprise.
"Doctor?"
"I can't ever leave her, can't ever let her go because I can't live without her. I love Rose Tyler. I love Rose Tyler more than anything."
"Doctor, don't ever let that change."
The Doctor felt the tears rolling down his cheeks as he remembered another conversation with a visionary on a planet not long before he'd met Rose.
"You have lived many lives, and died so often. Even now you are dead. Your hearts are dead, they do not feel."
"I know." The Doctor had said bitingly. The woman ignored him, eyebrows drawn together in concentration. Her expressions changed as she looked at him. She reached out to place a hand between his hearts. A strange sensation radiated outward from the woman's hand.
"You have suffered much, so much and yet the universe still calls out, the universe still needs the Doctor. The universe and time itself see you, they see your pain." The woman's expression began to change to one of happiness, but became bittersweet. "They will give you that which you crave only to rip it away. She will send a friend, one to help bring back your lost rose, but only at a price, for the only way to keep it is for it to die." The visionary withdrew and smiled softly.
More memories, conversations with Jackie, the ones where he told her about her daughter, the ones where every sentence was full of love. The ones where he simply repeated the words over and over. He loved Rose Tyler, would give anything for her, but he loved her too much to get her back now, because if he did, she would die. The Doctor held the jacket tightly. He'd been strong for too long. He'd lost the last thing tying him to Earth. He traveled as far as he could, back to the place where his home had once been. Emptiness greeted him and that was all he felt. There were no friends, no one to see the universe with, no one crying out for help. For once, it was the doctor screaming out in pain, screaming out to the endless sky and the emptiness of the Tardis. Even his ever faithful friend could not ease the pain as it ripped through him. He sank to the grating, for the first time in all his lives, the Doctor gave up. He lost the hope of ever seeing the only being he'd ever loved this deeply. He gave up on ever being happy again. The Doctor simply gave up and as he did, the change began. It ripped from him, his anguish at losing her so profound that everyone felt the depth of his pain, in some it was barely perceptible, but anyone who'd ever known the Doctor, who'd seen him, who'd been saved by him, who'd ever heard of what he'd done for them felt it deeply. His pain reverberated even reaching out and finding the one person whose anguish matched his own, the one person who caused it. It reached her and settled in her, tearing at her heart and ripping through her head. She screamed out as his pain reverberated in her skull. Her father and best friend reached her, trying to help. It did nothing. Her mother reached her with a sad smile. She bent and pulled her daughter close.
"He loves you Rose Tyler."
The Doctor's pain was so much diminished that those who best knew him, those he considered friends, barely heard him. As the Doctor's cry faded, he slumped over, letting himself go. The Tardis worriedly watched him sit for days, staring at the image of his Rose, the only companion she too had loved. She'd liked them all, but she had always loved the pink and yellow girl. As the Doctor got worse, she prepared to take him to the only one left in this universe who could help, the only other companion she'd loved, the one who could understand the Doctor's pain, the same pain he felt. She took him to Cardiff, landing in the middle of Torchwood three's hub. The people working there had stumbled back in shock as the blue box arrived. They all drew guns and the Tardis locked her doors. One of the humans went to get him.
"Jack! Jack!" Someone was trying to wake him. It was Gwen.
"Gwen? What…"
"There's something…someone in the hub." Jack shot out of bed, not bothering with a shirt. He grabbed his gun and followed Gwen. When his eyes landed on the blue box, he froze.
"We can't open it, it's locked." Owen said.
"You need a key." Jack said, voice tired. He walked forward, setting down the gun. The others watched as Jack lifted the key on a chain around his neck and inserted it into the lock. The Tardis hummed urgently as Jack pushed the door open. Jack's eyes widened, the Doctor sat on the grating, he was sad, so sad. He looked up at Jack as he sat in front of him. Gwen peeked in the door to see Jack sitting in front of a man in a white shirt and pinstripe pants. The man looked depressed, so sad that Gwen's heart ached for him. She watched as Jack's expression slowly showed traces of the same devastation. They both stared at their laps.
"I-I-I miss her." The man spoke. Jack sighed.
"Me too."
"I love her Jack, I love her and I can't ever have her back because she'll die." Jack looked grim.
"Doctor?"
"I met a visionary once, before…she told me that the universe and time itself was sending something to me. 'They will give you that which you crave only to rip it away. She will send a friend, one to bring back your lost rose, but only at a price, for the only way to keep it is for it to die.' Rose can't ever come back, I won't ever get her back, because if I do, she dies."
"Doctor, I need to give you something."
"What?"
"It's from Rose, well, Bad Wolf."
"Show me."
Jack and the Doctor got to their feet and walked out into the hub. The Doctor absently patted the Tardis as he left to follow Jack, unconsciously grabbing Rose's old jacket. Jack got to his office and stopped short. There was an entire cork board filled with the two words. Over and over again, some familiar, some not. He brushed his fingers over the pictures then turned to Jack. Jack had a box on his desk. The Doctor came forward. The box was older than almost anything and the Doctor was shocked to see it was Gallifreyan. He looked up at Jack sharply.
"Where did you get this?"
"Look." Jack said and the Doctor looked. Written in his native language were the words he'd never hoped to see again.
"Bad Wolf." Jack nodded and then opened it. Inside were several things and letters. Jack rifled through them. Near the bottom was a thick, heavy envelope. His name, the name he'd had before he'd been the Doctor. He opened the envelope and pulled out the first piece of paper.
Dear Theta,
I knew, even before you did that someday you would have to destroy Gallifray. I saw how alone, how angry and hurt you were. It is what I saw in the schism. Time itself told me to write this letter. There is a rose in your future, one beautiful enough to help even you heal, I have seen the rose wither and die, and your life dimmed too. I have also seen the rose bloom fuller and brighter than ever before and then you too grow brighter. Find the rose, hold her close, but a rose has thorns too, watch out.
Romana
The Doctor looked absolutely confused. Jack just watched him curiously. The next letter held an unfamiliar handwriting.
Dear Theta,
Before you were born, I saw this outcome. I chanced across a future version of you in my travels. You told me what will come to pass. Gallifrey will fall, by your hand. I and none of our people will blame you. You were not alone, you never spent your life alone. She was what you needed, it has never happened before, but there she was. A human had stolen the hearts of the last Time Lord. You were searching for her, searching for the woman you loved. You will find her, have no doubt.
Father
The Doctor felt a single tear slide down his cheek.
"Doctor?" Jack asked, slightly concerned.
"They're letters, from my father, and my best friend on Gallifrey. " Jack was quiet. The doctor reached for the last letter, frowning at the pink fabric in the envelope. He pulled the fabric free, the envelope had to be bigger, the fabric was part of a shawl he'd seen once before. It had been Rose's. He opened the last letter.
Dear Theta,
When we first met, it was on Satellite five. You know who I am. I am the Bad Wolf, I am Rose Tyler, the calm before the Oncoming Storm, I have many names. I found Rose Tyler, the only woman in the universe and I became Rose Tyler just as Rose Tyler became Bad Wolf. You search for her, you must move quickly. Rose Tyler does not belong in the parallel world, her very existance is threatened. If you do not find her, she will die. With you, the chance of her death is less. Find Rose Tyler, she is vital to the survival of the universe as well as your own survival. She loves you just as you love her. The universe will not survive if Rose Tyler dies in the parallel world. The stars are going out. Stop them and find Rose Tyler.
Bad Wolf
P.S. she will need the scarf when you find her. Not right away, but probably pretty soon.
There was one more sheet of paper.
Dear Doctor,
I left this with Jack, a future version, I think. He should give it to you. In case I never get the chance, I love you Doctor. There, now I know Bad Wolf wrote you a letter too, here's mine.
I remember some things from the vortex, things you wouldn't believe. I'm changing, and I don't know why. You'll see me soon, I've seen that. In the meantime, go save some worlds.
Love,
Rose Tyler
The Doctor smiled at that. It was so like Rose, so undeniably her that he couldn't help the half-laugh half-sob. Jack was still watching him, but at the Doctor's smile, he felt relief. The man looked up at Jack and then he held out the shawl to him.
"Hold onto this for me please Jack. She'll want to see you, this just gives me the excuse." Jack grinned impishly at him. Then he had a thought.
"Do you still have a phone?"
"Yes…" the Doctor said slowly, wondering what Jack was getting at.
"Give me your number so I can call if something happens here and so you can call when you find Rose." The Doctor nodded and slipped the envelope into his pocket.
He was much happier as he exited Jack's office. Jack had pulled on his shirt and both were chuckling at something. The rest of Torchwood three looked on in confusion and slight suspicion. Jack walked with the Doctor right up to door of the Tardis. The Doctor held out his hand, but Jack ignored it and hugged the Doctor who laughed. He patted Jack's shoulder and then he did a double take when saw Gwen.
"Old Cardiff family?" He asked her. When she nodded slowly, he grinned.
Jack didn't seem to know why the Doctor was grinning, he didn't get the chance to ask. The Doctor climbed into the Tardis. Jack stepped back to watch as the Tardis dematerialized. The rest of his team began shouting out questions. Jack groaned and then began to answer what he could.
"Yes, he is an alien."
"No, he's not a threat."
"Of course I'm sure! I traveled with him and…we traveled together for awhile."
It seemed only Gwen and Tosh recognized Jack's hesitation. He was hiding something and from the look of pain that flashed across his face, it hurt. The both sidetracked the rest of the team and it wasn't long before they were all back at work.