First off, not a single apology will ever be made for this - crack fics are something I've only read but never written, so this was just a very fun experiment for me. That being said…
"Ugh. Ryuuuk."
"Ugh. Liiight."
"How da fuq do I get L to stop saying i'm kira?" Light asked, ignoring the twerking shinigamu as he RIPPED open a packet of potato chips menacingly.
"How about you sex him up?" suggested the krumping death god, getting inspiration from the Nicki Minaj music video he was dancing to. "i do all the time"
"lol k," replied Light, taking a potato chip and EATING IT.
"Based on the width and height of this doughnut, I'm pretty sure Light is kira," said Ryuzaki, presenting his data to the team. They all gasped and nodded in assent of such concrete evidence.
"Would you all mind stepping out for a minute? I need to discuss something with Ryuzaki," Light said coolly like a block of sexy, psychopathic ice.
"lel sure" The middle aged men shrugged.
"I wonder how L managed to figure out that Light was Kira just from a doughnut hole," Matsuda pondered aloud, stroking his chin like a cliché detective.
"hohmygawdmatsudaaaaa," Light's daddy;) sighed, rolling his eyes at the virgin intern. "You mean to say you've never stuck yer pecker in a doughnut?"
"u wot, chief?"
"I mean no, im not weird and kinky like that, chief…" Matsuda blushed under Soichirou-senpai's stern gaze; sakura blossoms drifted in the breeze as he turned his eyes away from his beloved senpai.
"MATSUDA" the rst of the task force shouted at once. "IT'S NOT A SEX THING OHMYGOD U WANNABE PIMP"
Matsuda blushed more, and sparkly anime tears slipped from his eyes. He'd embarrassed himself in front of his senpai. Soichurro stuffed a churro in his mouth, shaking his head in disappointment.
"It's a measuring tool for girth," he said harshly, narrowing his eyes and turning to exit the room. "its purely mathetmatical. You sicko."
"Yh matsuda"
"God…"
The rest of the task force filed out doing the macarena, and Matsuda followed - stifling his tsundere tears. When they were all gone, Light reverse gyrated the door after everyone and turned around very sexy, hand still on the door knob, hips thrust forward, presenting himself to L like a sexually active life-size gingerbread man - he brought a spray-can of whipped cream from his pocket and squirted it over himself for good measure.
"I'm gonna make you forget you ever thought I was kira," Light sauntered over, humping the air as he went.
"Light?" Ryuzaki asked, secretly intrigued. Light straddled the detective's hips, running his hands up and down his back. A bit of cream dripped from his tie and fell onto L's cheek near his ear.
"Ooh, is that a banana in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" Light said sexy, digging his hips into L's.
L removed the fruit from his front pocket, "Sorry, that must be uncomfortable for you".
"No, put it in my butt," said Light in the diabetic's ear, sucking the fallen cream from his cheek like an aroused octopus.
"Wut?"
"Nothing"
"Oh ok."
Light and L made out for like 4 minutes before Light asked "Am I cleared then?"
"Nah, I'm still suspicious of you, Light "
"Well, I know something that will make you COMPLETELY forget that you thought I was kira," he pouted, pulling a peace sign with his sticky, cream-covered fingers
"Oh yeah? what's that?" L asked in a sultry tone.
"YOUR MOM" Light hit Ryuzaki over the head with a frying pan. "wait shit this isnt your mom…" he said, narrowing his eyes suspiciously at the frying pan as though it had tricked him into believing the domestic appliance had birthed his arch enemy. But the attack made Ryuzaki forget who Light or kira was. IN fact, he fell into a frying-pan coma where all his dreams were haunted by frying pans filled with syrup-coated bacon but he was never allowed to eat it. The nightmares were so painful that he died.
Light won.
Ryuk celebrated by choreographing a twerk routine for Light and MIsa's wedding.
Soichiro never noticed Matsuda.
The end.
You're welcome.