It's too late.
Booth thought these words, and then laughed bitterly at the irony. He held his cell phone in his hand, debating whether or not to call his partner at such a late hour, and yet, the words had another meaning as well.
It's too late for us.
The thought sent a slicing pain through his chest, and he leaned against the bedroom wall in his apartment, trying to gather his thoughts. He knew he had to tell her about the assignment. He knew the longer he waited, the less time they would have together before he left.
He could always say no. His superiors had made that very clear. He got the feeling they didn't even want to send him, but he had volunteered. He wanted to help his country any way he could, no matter how dangerous, no matter how much he had to sacrifice. Of course, he couldn't disguise from himself the real reason.
Booth was madly in love with his partner. He had been for years, and the longer he had to sit and watch her with other men, blissfully unaware of his feelings, the more she tore out of him. He was a strong man, confident in his physical abilities, but this was something he was unfamiliar with, and while he had tried his hardest to stick it out, waiting for a happy ending, he felt as if he were about to break. He had to get away. Six months of demanding physical exertion was just the ticket.
He hit the number on his speed dial, and waited for her to pick up. She always did. He could count on her, no matter what. She was always there for him, just not in the way he really needed. He sighed and tried to concentrate on the inevitable conversation. He heard the click.
"Booth?"
"Sorry to call so late, Bones, but I have something really important we have to talk about."
"Now?" She sounded more concerned than annoyed.
"I would really like to get it over with." He didn't mean to sound so pathetic. He knew she would hear in his voice that he was upset.
There was silence on the other end.
"You know what, Bones, never mind. I'll just see you tomorrow. We've got to get the paperwork on the case wrapped up anyway. Just forget it." He said the words in a rush and hung up before he could hear her reply. He couldn't believe how fast his heart was pounding.
This shouldn't be that big of a deal.
It was only six months, after all. Well, plus the two months of training he would have to spend in South Carolina, and sometimes things do come up and assignments go on longer than originally planned. But surely it wouldn't be longer than a year.
Booth sighed again. He knew this was a big deal. He knew this was going to be a turning point in his life.
And hers.
He tossed his phone on the bed and walked out of the room. In his kitchen, he poured a cup of coffee and sat at his table, thumbing through paperwork from their last case. His life here in D.C. suddenly seemed so easy, so…safe. If he went on with this assignment, dodging bullets was going to take on a whole new meaning for him. Booth leaned over and put his head in his hands. He was so worried about her. He knew she loved him. Maybe not in the way he wanted, but she did love him. She needed him. He was her guide, from learning how to treat people, to making important decisions about life and family. She relied on him for almost everything, and he knew that by taking off like this, he was going to be leaving a huge gap in her world.
He was going to be abandoning her.
He didn't want to leave her, but…
knock knock
Surprised, Booth lifted his head up. He wondered how long he had been sitting there, and was irritated to find that his coffee was cold. He got up and opened the door.
Temperance Brennan stood in the hallway, looking curiously at her partner.
"You wouldn't answer your phone. You sounded like this was important to you."
Booth smiled and invited her in. He gestured towards the kitchen.
"Coffee?"
"No, thank you." She glanced at the paperwork on the table, and then changed direction and sat on the couch in his living room. He followed and sat next to her.
"Listen, Bones, I have something really important to talk to you about. Please don't interrupt me; just let me get it all out, okay?"
She looked hesitant, but agreed.
"I was off-" Booth paused. No, he wasn't offered. He volunteered. He started again. "I have the option to accept a…new position." He saw her eyes question him, but he continued, "It's an assignment with the military. It's a really good opportunity for me, and I'm going to go in tomorrow morning to officially accept it. I kept meaning to tell you, but with the case this week, everything has been so crazy…" He trailed off. She did not look happy.
"You're leaving the FBI?"
"Just temporarily. I'll be back in six months or so. I already have a partner picked out for you while I'm gone…"
"I don't want another partner." Booth couldn't help but think of how much she looked like a stubborn child. "If you leave, then I'll just go back to what I did before you. I've had plenty of memorable experiences in the field, and if you're going to be gone, I can just spend more time in the lab."
She was shaking. She tried to cover her hands, but he could see it.
"Bones, I…"
"Will it be dangerous?" she interrupted.
Booth sighed. He wished he could lie to her, but it was against everything he believed in.
"Yes, Bones, it will be dangerous. Most assignments like this are."
She knew. He couldn't hide the truth about it now. It was too late. She looked angry for a moment, and then she took a deep breath.
"Are you dissatisfied with your job?"
He shook his head slowly. "You know I love the FBI."
"Are you dissatisfied with me?"
She started out the question firmly, but when her voice broke, Booth couldn't help but pull her close to him and hold her tight. She wrapped her arms around him and he heard her crying softly.
"Is it because of me?" The words came out muffled against his shirt, but Booth heard them clearly, and suddenly he didn't know what to say. In a way, it was because of her, but how could she understand? He pulled her up and wiped the tears from her face. Looking straight at her, he took a deep breath and prayed he was doing the right thing.
"Temperance, you could never do anything that would upset me enough to make me quit the FBI just to get away from you, okay? I am doing this because I love my country, and…I think maybe it will do us some good to be apart for a little while."
She pulled away from him, looking confused.
"Apart? What do you mean? We're not a couple, Booth."
"I know," he sighed. "Bones, you and me are different, okay? I guess you're able to spend time with me day in and day out and feel nothing, but I just can't." She turned her head sideways curiously and listened. "I see you almost every day and…I just can't do this." He suddenly stopped and stood up. The rush of feelings was too much, and he knew he wouldn't be able to hear her tell him that love was only chemicals in his brain and pheromones and whatever else. That wasn't love, and he knew it. He started to walk off, but she stood up next to him and grabbed his arm.
"Booth, I don't understand. What do you mean, feel? Feel what? Feel anger, feel jealousy...feel what?"" She looked almost desperate. He wondered if it was possible that she could be this clueless, or if it was just an act. Surely not. Bones couldn't act to save her life. Suddenly, he was annoyed.
"You think I'm jealous? You think that I would go on an assignment halfway around the world, risking death every day for months, just because I'm JEALOUS?"
She threw up her hands. "Angry then? What?"
"No, Bones, not anger. Love, okay? I love you. Love, not anger!!" He practically hissed the words. She blinked and stepped back, visibly shocked. He shifted his gaze and thought about what he just said. Then he couldn't help but laugh. She looked completely bewildered.
"Why are you laughing, Booth? This isn't funny."
He took a deep breath and tried to talk with a straight face.
"Sorry. You're right. I'm sorry."
She shook her head again. "You love me? That is what you said, isn't it? You love me?"
He tried to read her face. He could tell she was surprised, but what else? Was she happy? Was she thinking of how to let him down gently? His heart ached to know what she was feeling.
"Yes."
She nodded slowly.
"And that's why you're leaving. Because you don't want to love me."
He shook his head quickly. "No, no, Bones. God, you're making this so complicated."
She threw up her hands again in frustration. "Well, I'm sorry Booth, but I still don't understand!"
He took a step towards her. She was so beautiful. Taking her hands in his, he looked down into her eyes. She shifted nervously.
"Temperance, I love you very much." He couldn't believe he was saying these words out loud. "I know I never said anything, but you always seemed happy with the way things were. I wanted to always be there for you, but you have to understand something. Love is not always easy, especially when the person you love doesn't love you back." He kept an eye out for a change in her expression, but there was none. "I have to see you with other men, I have to hear you talk about love as if it's a cold scientific formula, and talk about monogamy like it's outdated and primitive. I've tried, Bones, I really have. I've tried to just see you as my partner and my friend, but I just don't think I can do it anymore. Please don't be mad that I'm leaving. Please try to understand."
She didn't pull away from his gaze. She spoke slow and even.
"So you're leaving because you don't think I will ever love you."
Booth sighed again. "That's part of it, yes."
She nodded slowly. "I can see why you would make that conclusion. I know that I'm not the ideal partner in a relationship." She looked closer, as if trying to read his thoughts. "What if I could?"
"Could what?" he asked, annoyed by the way she was turning the gears in her head, as if working out his love as a problem.
"Love you."
Neither of them said a word. She waited patiently for his reply, but he was too stunned to say anything. What did she mean? He tried to keep himself from getting his hopes up.
She's just trying to get me to stay.
But he knew better. She didn't lie; she had no reason to. She was always honest, sometimes more than he wanted her to be.
"Bones, be careful. Think about what you're saying, okay? You don't believe in love."
She pulled back. "Yes I do, Booth. Why would you think that? Just because I understand the chemical process of how the brain reacts to feelings, that doesn't mean I don't feel them." She looked hurt.
Booth was confused. Suddenly, all the things he'd been thinking and feeling just an hour ago seemed irrelevant. He took a deep breath.
"What are you saying?" He didn't dare to hope.
"I'm saying that I do have a definite attraction to you, and I do care very much for you, and maybe, with your help, I can understand my feelings a little better." She paused, sounding unsure of herself. "I honestly don't know if I love you, Booth. Angela says that I do, and maybe she's right. I don't know. I just know that I don't want you to leave." She smiled at the amazement on his face. "You've taught me so many things, I have no doubt that you can teach me about love."
Booth took a step forward and slid his hands around her waist. In all the years he had known her, he had never seen the look in her eyes that he saw now. She wrapped her arms around his neck and ran her fingers through his hair. He leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes open, taking in the look on her face. He tried to breathe, but it suddenly seemed to take more concentration than he had available. She leaned up and pressed her lips against his, pulling him close to her. The memories of their first kiss came back to him, but were quickly swept aside by a whole new flood of feeling. She wanted him. She wanted him. The realization sent a wave of joy surging through his body. He pulled back slowly, the effort taking all of his control.
"Hey," he whispered. "Before you get me completely distracted, I have to make a phone call."
She smiled up at him. "What could be so important?"
"I have to call my boss." He grinned. "No way am I taking that job."