Ranma 1/2: AGSoF[1];
Chapter 2
In Which Akane and Ranma Begin Their New Life Together
Or
No Need for Ryoga[2]
Ranma Saotome awoke slowly, cradling his new wife in his arms (or perhaps her arms would be more accurate, given the form he was trapped in at the moment). Yawning silently, she looked down on the sleeping form of her wife Akane and smiled.
"I'm so lucky," thought Ranma, chuckling and giving Akane a fond squeeze. Still clad in their rumpled wedding attire, the new couple had been so exhausted by the previous day's activities that they had simply sprawled out in a large armchair, snuggled together in a confusion of arms and legs.
Akane moaned something happy and incoherent, and turned her face toward the soft, warm person cuddling her. She opened her eyes sleepily. She looked deep into Ranma's blue eyes. And then reflex took over.
"RANMA NO HENTAI!"[3]
I am so
very lucky, thought Ranma, chuckling painfully through a dislocated jaw, it
looks like I'm headin' straight for Doc Tofu's place.
Six minutes later, a panting Akane burst in through the door, clad in sweats and a tank top. A feminine figure on the bed automatically leapt up into a defensive posture, but was swiftly overwhelmed by Akane's Bear Hug Attack
"A ka ne…. leggo…. can't…. breathe…," gasped Ranma, who, other than a large, colorful bandage on her jaw, seemed none the worse for her unscheduled flight. She was actually getting quite used to them by now.
"Whadja do that for, huh?" she asked petulantly. "We're married now, so you can stop hittin' on me!"
Akane lifted her head from Ranma's shoulder and turned her embarrassed gaze toward Ranma's face… and broke into helpless giggles at the sight of her serious expression (and the Barney the Dinosaur bandage covering Ranma's delicate jawline, no doubt).
Ranma peered around in helpless confusion. "What's so funny?" Akane, still giggling, could only point toward a small mirror on the wall. Ranma looked up, blinked twice, and then let loose a soprano stream of obscenity against doctors with warped senses of humor, to the accompaniment of Akane's wild laughter.
"Stop laughing," Ranma grumbled, "ya sexless, uncute tomb… I mean… umm… I-" It slowly dawned on Ranma what she was saying, and who to, and she closed her eyes for a moment of prayer. Akane's presence against her breasts, which had been evoking all sorts of warm, fuzzy feelings that Ranma had just begun to experience, had given way in an instant to an all to familiar dread of ensuing pain and shock. She closed her eyes and braced herself.
Akane jumped out of Ranma's lap her hands balled at her sides. Her eyes narrowed in a familiar and menacing way. Quick as the lightning, forceful as the mountain, Akane lunged forward and kissed Ranma passionately.
Expecting passion of an entirely different and more unpleasant form, Ranma was nearly knocked off the bed, but with the agility of a trained martial artist managed to switch from "cringe mode" to enthusiastic response before her back hit the sheets with a resounding thump. Some few breathless moments later[4], the young couple separated.
"Sexless tomboy, am I?" asked Akane, her flushed face and moist lips set in a defiant sort of smile.
Ranma's reaction most assuredly put to rest any questions Akane might have had about her considering Akane sexless[5]. Laughing and snuggling, they laved each other with kisses tender and fierce, touches soft and wild, with a cavalcade of sweet caresses and whispered "I love you"'s, their hearts filled to overflowing wit
"Ahem," interjected Doctor Tofu.
"Eeeeek!" shrieked the young lovebirds, springing up from the bed, disengaging from each other's embrace with an astonishing speed.
An awkward silence settled over the doctor's office. Ranma cleared her throat. This didn't seem to have actually done much, so she tried again. This also proving less than helpful in accomplishing anything, she looked over to her fellow culprit, but Akane, unfortunately, seemed too busy turning bright red to help the conversation much.
"Ummm… Gomen ne, Doctor Tofu," stuttered the abashed Ranma, "We weren't…I mean… ummm… Gomen ne, Doctor Tofu."
"That's… quite alright, children. You are newlyweds, after all… it's only right that you be… ummm… affectionate." Doctor Tofu's glasses concealed his eyes completely, but his face hinted at a barely repressed smile.
Akane finally found her tongue[6] "Ok… ummm… then we'll just…catch you later, I guess…" she replied, still flushing, and, grabbing the still stuttering Ranma gently by the arm, she started heading toward the door.
"Oh, waitaminnit Akane," Ranma said suddenly, right as Akane got to the doorway.
"What is it, Ranma?" Akane growled, her ears still burning a bright, nuclear meltdown sort of pink.
"I sorta thought that, since we're here an' all, we oughtta ask Doc Tofu bout our little problem…"
Akane looked at her husband with a confused expression. "What problem?" Her husband sighed and pointed down at her rather statuesque chest.
"Oh, right."
"But first," Ranma winced, putting a hand to her face, "C'n someone take a look at my jaw? I think I busted it again somehow."
Across town, the Nekohanten slowly began to awaken. Shampoo yawned, stretched languorously, and walked into the common room, on her way toward the shower.
"Good morning, granddaughter," proclaimed a dry, dusty voice from the shadows[7].
"Great-grandmother? Why is up so early today?" Shampoo yawned again, stretching her arms over her head, "Is packing for go back to village?"
Now fully awake, Shampoo switched to her native Chinese. We are surely not in such a hurry as that, honored elder?
Cologne didn't look up from the book she was studying. "We are not leaving just yet, granddaughter. Not without your husband."
Shampoo's face took on an attitude of utter confusion. "What you mean, great-grandmother? Only husband here was Ranma, and he with stupid Akane now." Shampoo's beautiful face drew up into a malicious smirk. "Shampoo always knew pervert girl was a thespian!"
"Your Japanese still needs some work, granddaughter," Cologne noted mildly.
As what her great-grandmother was hinting toward dawned on her, a great whopping tide of frustration and resentment built up within Shampoo. GRANDMOTHER! What are you talking about?! Ranma is married to Akane now, and even if he were not, he would still never care for me if we took him away from the one he loves! I have hurt enough over this foolish boy, great-grandmother. I will not continue to make a fool of myself and risk my honor and reputation over an unwilling husband. I would rather marry MOUSSE! she finished at a scream, tears glistening in her eyes. Upstairs, a figure stirred restlessly.
Ah, child, Cologne said in a soothing tone, pride filling her voice, I am so proud of you. You stand with a warrior's courage. She caressed Shampoo's cheek with a withered hand.
Suddenly, her hand snaked out and stabbed Shampoo at the juncture of neck and shoulder. As the darkness closed in, she heard Cologne continue softly in Japanese.
"I truly do applaud your courage, great-granddaughter; but I cannot allow that pride to interfere with the destiny of the Amazon village."
And, she continued, in a voice sculpted of razor-sharp icicles, I will not allow this outsider to defeat me.
Tears streaming down his determined face, the figure on the staircase folded himself back into the shadows, sped up the stairs, ran into the closet, tripped over a coat rack, put on his glasses, and, through his bedroom window, left the Nekohanten for the last time.
"So what is the problem that you wished to talk to me about, Ranma?" Doctor Tofu remarked politely, sipping a cup of tea.
Once more sitting on the examining bed, this time with a cup of green tea in one hand, and Akane in the other arm, Ranma's now-delicate features colored, and she pointedly looked down at her inconveniently feminine anatomy. Doctor Tofu maintained a professionally blank, quizzical expression.
After a minute or so of this, Akane sighed, wormed her way out from Ranma's arm, and poured the hot water from the teapot on the stove directly onto the love of her life.
"AHHHHH!!! Hothothothothothothot!" screamed Ranma, as she jumped to her feet. "All right already!" She turned to Doctor Tofu, giving Akane a cursory (yet baleful) glare along the way, and pointed down at her cursedly voluptuous body. "THIS is the problem, Doc! I'm a guy, but thanks to that damned old ghoul…"
Long suppressed tears of rage and pain threatened to erupt from the corners of Ranma's eyes and course down her hatefully sensual face. Suddenly, she slammed her fist into the wall, cracking the reinforced plaster. "Dammit Doc, look at me! What th' hell kinda husband am I to Akane now? It was bad 'nuff to start with, but at least I was a guy most'a th' time…" The tears now began to flow, despite all Ranma's control.
Ranma sank down onto the bed, cradling her face in her hands. Akane tentatively put an arm around her shoulders, trying to comfort her. Her voice muffled by her hands, Ranma continued.
"This's worse than the cat's tongue, doc… At least then, there was somethin' I could do ta fix it, a contest ta win. Now, even if I went out and beat th' tar outta that old monster, she still wouldn't give in 'less I married Shampoo. No matter what, even if I could beat th' old ghoul like that," she mumbled, snapping her fingers, "It wouldn't do me a bit o' good. She'd die before she gave in…"
Ranma looked up, suddenly, a fierce hope burning in her eyes. "Which is why you gotta help us, doc! You c'n find a way ta get rid of this damned curse, doc! You gotta! Please… doc… I'm beggin' here…" Exhausted, Ranma slumped against Akane, who squeezed her hopefully, whispering comfort in a voice too low for even the doctor to hear.
[1] For those of you who haven't read the first one… READ IT! (By the by, this stands for Anything Goes School of Fanfiction.)
[2] The Steven
Brust School of Titling, folks. (Read The
Phoenix Guards. Now. Or die a slow, painful death.)
[3] Ranma, you pervert. Said loudly. And with an accompanying blow.
[4] Long enough to make a ham and tomato sandwich, but not quite long enough to eat it.
[5] The tomboy question, you may have noted, is still open for discussion.
[6] Where could she have ever lost it? (Hey, I said the STORY wouldn't be perverted…. Never said nothin' bout me ;-)
[7] Ok, from the armchair. Dramatic license. Philistines.