hi! this is my first one piece fic...it's about time tbh. gotta love lawlu
i can either be slow or quick with updates-but as i've put in the tags, be warned that there will be some heavy topics occurring in this fic. characters dealing with loss, trauma, suicide, hallucinations, flashbacks, and death, and how a 20 year old with autism and a 27 year old with PTSD become heavily evolved in each other's lives without meaning to.
writing this fic will be a big toll on my emotional state probably, but the more positive feedback i get, the quicker updates come. but i've been planning this fic for awhile, and i've only recently gotten the inspiration to write it. im pretty sure the ending will be happy? if not i'll make a happy alt ending.
also, i DO have PTSD and autsim so i know what i'm writing about dont worry LOL..enjoy, or not, whatever makes ya happy.
It's a rainy, dreary Thursday in April when you meet him.
The subway is mostly empty, and you're going home from an exhausting day at work. Honestly, telling the family of a patient that their loved one isn't going to make it really isn't your favorite part of your job. It isn't anything you aren't used to, but it doesn't make it much easier. Your eyes wander outside the window, idly watching the tunnel walls as subway moves. For some reason, it puts you at ease. You feel a bit hungry, so you reach into your bag and grab your Snickers bar. You're about to unwrap it, but you feel a presence right next to you.
You glance over, not bothering to turn your head. It's a boy, who maybe looks around the age of 20. But his face had a sort of childish look despite everything(you think to yourself it's kind of endearing), and there was a curious scar under his his left eye. His hair was jet black, wearing a red hoodie with barbecue sauce stains on it and jeans with holes in the knees. He's staring right at you, and 'uncomfortable' is not a strong enough word for what it makes you feel. You aren't in the mood for this.
"What?" you snap, your face scrunching into an irritable frown.
"Nothing," he says. "Can I have a bite?" He motions to your snickers bar, and you narrow your eyes.
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"Ok, next time then."
You open your mouth to protest but-
Before you know it, he's already gone. Probably to a different part of the subway, but you don't really care enough to ponder more about it. You unwrap your candy bar silently, taking a bite as you direct your attention back to the window.
It's a stormy Monday on the same month of April when you see him again.
Your eyes meet, but neither of you say anything. His mouth is a thin line, and it looks like he's trying to figure you out, but isn't getting anywhere.
When you get off at your stop, you don't bother to look at him again, but you feel his eyes on you as you leave through the doors of the subway.
You can't help but wonder why he's so interested in you, and you don't rally care enough to find out.
It's the beginning of May and it's sprinkling out. Or it was sprinkling a moment ago-now it was pouring down mercilessly. How ironic, you think. Shitty weather to go with another shitty day.
Today was especially terrible, though. There was a patient that-that looked so much like him. Your chest becomes tight just thinking about it. But he's dead, and you think if you can save this patient's life, he'll come back to life.
But you know the truth.
You don't feel any tears coming-you're numb to this. You're numb, you're numb, you're numb and that's the most terrifying thing about this.
You wish you could cry. You don't even care that you are in public-you would do anything for it. To feel tears run down your cheeks, to use such a simple expression of sadness-it's something people seem to take for granted. You want to cry it out, but you can't, you haven't been able to in a long time.
Maybe you are not crying, but you definitely are trembling. His face pops up in your head, over and over again, and it won't go away, why won't it go away-
The sound of a gunshot. You freeze, you know you are hallucinating that sound, but your heart is still beating violently against your chest, almost like it wants to run away, you want to run away. The world is still, it feels like the subway stopped moving, that time stopped moving. Couldn't this have waited until you got home? You're wide eyes are glued to your feet, and you feel like you're about to throw up on this goddamn subway.
But then time resumes as you are nudged with...something. It's prodding at your elbow, and you turn your head slowly to see what the fuck or who the fuck is bothering you right now-
It's a candy bar. A snickers bar(though half-eaten), being held by the red hoodie boy that you keep seeing on rainy days. You stare at him, and he nudges you again with it.
"What-"
"Take it before I eat the other half, silly! You seem sad, so I assumed you were hungry and...well I don't usually give my food to others but..." He makes a thoughtful face, suddenly looking puzzled.
"Well, whatever! Hurry and take it before I change my mind and eat it!"
You don't bother protesting. You take the candy bar, staring at it for a moment before biting into it slowly, savoring the taste. The boy takes a seat next to you, and normally you would tell him to fuck off but...he did give you a candy bar, and you don't feel like arguing.
And you might just need some company for a moment, but you won't admit that too easily.
"I'm Luffy!"
"...Law." You take another bite, chewing it carefully. Snickers are your favorite candy bars, after all.
Luffy rambles on about his day and you aren't really listening closely, but for some reason, the sound of someone else's voice is oddly calming in this moment.
It has definitely been a shitty day if you find this annoying rambling therapeutic.
You don't dwell on it any longer though, you just take in as much relief from reality as you can in the moment by listening to Luffy's constant talking.
When you get to your stop, you stand up but pause for a moment as you look at Luffy. What an interesting name.
"Thanks for the Snickers."
You don't know what he said after that-you've tuned him out and you're ready to pass out when you get home and hit the couch.
You open the door to your apartment, dropping your bag onto the ground and falling onto your bed. You're still kind of wet from the rain, and you'd kill for a shower but...you don't want to move. Your chest still hurts, you feel a migraine coming on, and fuck, you think of maybe calling off of work for the next five years. Or maybe calling off of life for five years, either works.
You apartment is quiet-as usual. You usually like the silence, but in this moment, only hearing the sound of water droplets hitting your window is unsettling. It makes you feel trapped and scared and everything you want to avoid feeling. You heart is beating fast in you chest again, and you hear thunder boom right outside your window.
The sound startles you, and you decide you are done staying awake to deal with this. Without changing into new, dry clothes or going underneath the covers, you close your eyes and feel yourself drift into a slow slumber.
You dream of everything you want to forget. You dream of the happy memories, you dream that everything is okay, but when you wake up, all you are met with is emptiness, disappointment, and a tear-stained pillow.
The only time you can cry is when you sleep.
You glance over at the clock-it's only 2 AM, but you can't fall asleep again. You don't want to dream anymore, so you stand up and slowly make your way to the kitchen and make yourself a cup of coffee. You drink it black, even though that's not how you prefer it at all. It tastes bitter and disgusting, but you can't bother to even get the creamer out so you put up with it.
When you sit down at your kitchen table, you suddenly remember the raven haired boy who gave you half of his Snickers and you wonder why he bothered. You never shared even a single bite of your candy bar when he asked-why would he give up any of his to you? He was confusing, but if you were to be honest, you feel your lips curl up into a very small smile.
You haven't really smiled in a long time.
You don't sleep for the rest of the night, but you watch the rain fall and let your mind blank. Your coffee goes cold as you let it sit on the counter, resting your face in your palm and letting the feeling of emptiness put you in a state of nothingness. It's one of your coping mechanisms-when you feel too much, you begin to feel nothing. You stop being aware of everything around you, and you can forget you exist.
You really need to find a new coping mechanism, though. You've tried so many things and nothing seems to work, so it's your default reaction for now.
Three hours go by, and you hear your alarm go off to indicate that it was time to get ready for work. You stand up, not too eager on starting a new, once-again miserable day, but that's how it works. That's how it always is.
You turn on your TV to check the weather- it's going to be sunny out all day. Disappointment fills your chest, but you put on your scrubs and grab your keys and head out to work anyways.
Suck it up. Move on in life.
But you never truly move on, do you? And you can't help but wonder if you ever will.
"Law, have you been sleeping alright?"
"Yeah, yeah, Bepo. I've been sleeping fine, what makes you think I haven't?" You look at the chubby male, who you swear has a face of a teddy bear but it hardly fit his build. You wonder if you've been more obvious about how much sleep you really need lately, you thought you've been good at hiding it from others but...
"You have really heavy bags under your eyes-"
"I've always had them," You cut in, raising a brow, and your white haired friend groans and rubs his head.
"I know, but even more that usual. You look like a zombie, maybe you should take a few days off for yourself. I know you're really struggling right n-"
"I need to get going now, Bepo."
"Whatever, just...consider it, okay? I'm sure the hospital will understand!" Bepo calls after you as you walk away, and you feel a little touched at your friend's concern. You won't admit it to him, though, but you're sure he knows.
You decide to take his advice, because if other people can tell you are in major need of a break, then you probably really do need one. You can allow yourself at least a little peace, right?