Title: Stupid Soy Milk
Category: Degrassi: TNG
Rating: T
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairing: Jay/Emma
Prompt: #02 - Dark
Word Count: 4,478
Summary: She wasn't supposed to be here. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Stupid Soy Milk
1/1
He didn't like being kept in the dark and it felt like hours were going by with nobody telling him what was going on. This was wrong; all wrong. It wasn't supposed to be like this; if they'd come out with the truth earlier, he'd be over there now. He'd be sitting with them and they'd be assuring him that it was okay, she was going to be fine. But no, he was over here, away from anybody who could possibly know anything about Emma's condition. So he continued to sit, bent forward, elbows on his knees, head lowered. He told himself his eyes weren't stinging and his chin wasn't shaking. He closed his eyes and the voice in his head said over and over again, "You're not scared. Hogarts don't get scared."
But he was. He was terrified. And he had nobody to tell.
Years ago, he wondered if he knew he'd care this much. Back then she was just another fling, or he tried to tell himself she was. He couldn't deny that she'd been different from all the other girls at the ravine. And maybe if he'd been different then, if he'd been willing to step up to his feelings instead of drown them away with sarcasm and indifference, he would've realized how lucky he was to have her even breathe in his direction. But that was a long time ago, when they were still just kids, all screwed up over hormones and the do's and don't's of high school.
They were different now, grown up and still living through the same stupid dramas. People wouldn't understand, she told him. Manny. Sean. Snake. The three of them wouldn't get why she, Emma Nelson, would waste her time on him. And as much as he loved her, as much as he wished things were different, he was the reason it had all stayed unsaid. Sean was his best friend, practically a brother to him. Emma was his first love; the girl he never really got over. For him to come out and say, "Hey... I'm kinda in love with the woman you think you're gonna marry one day..." would ruin everything. And he'd been engaged once, to her best friend. Sure Manny had moved on, happily dating some big movie star now and kept in touch through e-mail and phone calls, but that didn't mean she'd approve. And Snake still saw some hoodlum, ready to stab anybody in the back for what he wanted.
So they kept it secret... All this time... Months ago, when her car needed a quick tune up, he'd been there to give her a deal and take care of her beat up jeep. Somehow that led to coffee and an argument and eventually unexpected sex in the bathroom of The Dot. He wasn't complaining but after that, he really didn't expect to see her again. They just kept bumping into each other though; seemed like everywhere he went, she was there too. Which of course led to a friendship filled with biting sarcasm and obvious chemistry which then turned into them sleeping together off and on which led into unchartered territory where he realized that they were practically living together and he didn't mind.
One day he woke up and he realized he was in love with her. Not just the "God, you're hot, let's screw the morning away," like he was used to. He actually paid attention to her, could stand to just hold her instead of fucking her brains out and kicking her out. Sometimes, he'd come home from a long day of work and just want a nap, so he'd drag her off to their room and cuddle up to her in their large bed. He knew all her little quirks and she knew how to push his buttons. They argued like cats and dogs but they made up just as fiercely.
Nine months.
They'd been together for nine months; living together for most of that and in love about the same. But did anybody else know that? No. Her parents were in the dark, their best friends had no idea; it was just them. And most of the time, he liked that. He liked having her all to himself. He liked coming home to find her there, dressed in one of his shirts and doing her homework for college. He liked waking up to pull her naked body up against his and sleep in just fifteen more minutes, breathing in her scent and feeling her lean into him naturally, still fast asleep. He liked answering his cell to hear her on the other end.
"Guess what I'm wearing right now..." she drawled into the phone.
His brows lifted as he stood up, leaning back against the car he was working on, putting his wrench away and grabbing up a rag. "Too many clothes?" he guessed with a smirk.
"No... Guess again."
He laughed slightly. "One of my shirts?"
"Not today." She chuckled lowly. "Three strikes and you're out, Hogart, last chance..."
He licked his lips. "That little red number you picked up the other day? All lace and barely covering anything..."
Her voice was low, seductive, "Right outta the park."
He closed his eyes. "You're killin' me, GP."
"Yeah...?" She teased. "Just one more... Where are my fingers?"
He sat up straighter, clearing his throat. "I'll be home in five minutes."
"Hurry," she whimpered.
He hung up and nearly ran toward his car.
He clenched his hat between his fingers, pushing it down lower on his face as he sighed painfully.
She wasn't supposed to be here. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She'd only gone out to pick something up from the store.
"We're out of Soy milk," she sighed.
"No loss here," he replied, snorting as he changed the channel.
She rolled her eyes. "Oh, no, don't do that! Offering to get me my milk, how very gentlemanly. Send my heart aflutter," she muttered sarcastically.
"Who says aflutter?" he teased, stopping on The Simpsons. "I'll pick you up a carton tomorrow," he assured.
"Dinner's gonna be ready in a half hour. I wanted milk," she half-whined. He heard her footsteps as she came closer and half-smirked as she laid down on top of him, pouting her lips at him. "Pleeease, Jay?"
"I just got back from work, GP. I'm tired of cars." He sighed.
She nodded her head side to side. "All right. I'll grab it myself." She moved up, kissed him quickly and then walked toward the door.
"Why don't you just drink regular milk tonight? It can't hurt."
"Yeah and I'll just eat a cow tonight too," she replied sarcastically.
"We'll call her Betsy!" he said with a laugh.
"Shut up!" she called back to him, amused. "I'll be back soon. Keep an eye on my stir-fry!"
He waved his hand to let her know he heard her and then turned back to see what stupid thing Homer had done now.
When a half hour passed, he figured the store must've been busy. When an entire hour went by, he started to worry. When it hit the two hour mark, he started calling around, looking for her. Which is when he found her at the hospital, brought in after a car accident that they wouldn't give him details on. Racing out of the apartment, he took his orange Civic and parked crookedly, not caring about tickets or towing. He hurried inside, asking questions they couldn't answer, not to non-blood. He sat down, spotting Spike and Snake across from him, looking worried and holding tight to each other. He couldn't ask them what they knew, could only hope that he might learn something from whatever the doctors told them. It was going to be a long night.
Hours. He couldn't count how many. It felt like days. He'd just been sitting there, waiting and worrying. With each passing minute, he was sure the news would be worse. Was she gone and they just didn't want to tell anyone? Was she dying? Without anybody there to tell her it'd be okay? She hated hospitals; had since the Anorexia thing when she was younger. She told him the beeping freaked her out; made her skin crawl. And he promised her, if she ever got herself hospitalized again, he'd distract her, make her skin feel nothing but good. But he couldn't get to her now, couldn't be there to comfort her. Sure he was shit at it, but if he could just see her, he was sure that he'd get it right for once. No sarcastic remarks to keep from feeling. He'd just... He'd tell her he loved her and he'd promise to get the milk next time; hell, any time she needed it. If she'd just be okay...
He squeezed his eyes tight, his throat clenching. What if she didn't...? What if the car crash was too much and she just couldn't fight it off? What were his last words to her...? God, he made fun of her vegetarianism... Stupid! And she'd asked him... If he'd gone instead of her... Would it be different? He swallowed the emotion welling in his throat and shook his head. She'd be fine. She had to be.
Without her, he never remembered to pay the bills. He couldn't count how many times the cable or electricity was cut off because he forgot. And she made up the grocery list; if he didn't have that list of paper written in all her girly handwriting, he'd have beer and steak in his fridge, that's it. She got him up for work in the morning and set the alarm to make sure he didn't sleep in when she had early classes. She made his lunch every day, even remembering to cut it across like he liked. And she was willing to learn how to change the oil in her car, because he was always telling her how if she didn't, she was killing her car. She didn't push him away when he was covered in grease or smelled like sweat and exhaust. She was... She was Emma and he wasn't sure he remembered how to function without her. It was Jay and Emma and they'd been like that for so long that he didn't want to be any other way. He was attached to her and he liked it. He loved it. Loved her.
"Wake up," he heard as she shook his shoulder roughly.
"Gobasleep," he mumbled, shaking his head. "Early."
"I know it's early, that's why I'm waking you up, genius," she replied, laughing lightly. "Jaaay! Wake up! I want you to see this!"
"I've seen you naked, Em... It's hot but it's way too early, trust me."
"You sure?" she asked coyly. "So if I climb on top, you're just gonna go back to sleep?"
Damn it, he was waking up. He groaned. "Em-ma!"
She grinned, hugging him. "'Kay, look!" She pointed past him and his eyes opened blearily to stare out the half open window.
"Yay, the sun... It only comes around every morning." He turned his head back.
"Yeah, but this is our first sunrise," she said in that girly voice of hers that told him she was having one of those moments. She shook him again and he sighed, opening his eyes.
"It's very... sunrisey."
She snorted. "Just admit it's beautiful!"
He turned over onto his back, dragging her so she was lying on top of him. She laid her head on his shoulder, smiling as she gazed out at the rising sun with earnest attention. Her hair was all over the place, her eyes were still droopy with sleep, her face was scrubbed of all make up, and he could see the freckles usually hidden by her concealer across her nose.
"Beautiful," he said, staring at her the whole time.
She turned her eyes up, catching him and her cheeks flushed. "Early morning makes you charming, Jay Hogart."
He smirked, tipping his head slightly. "Yeah, well..." He turned to look out the window. "Guess it's not bad... For morning."
She laughed, slapping his chest lightly and crawling up higher, pecking his lips. She ran her fingers through his hair and he leaned up, arms wrapping around her as their kiss deepened. Her legs parted so she was straddling him and palms cupped his face as she met his mouth, slanting together over and over, their tongue tangling. His hand slid up her back, beneath the cover of the shirt of his she was wearing, skimming up her spine slowly, smirking as she pressed down against him, whimpering into his mouth.
She broke away abruptly, panting and he opened his eyes to stare up at her. She stared back, licking her lips and shaking her head.
"What?" he asked, lifting a confused brow.
"I..."
"Is this about the sunrise? Feel free to watch it as long as I can undress you." He grinned.
"I love you," she blurted out, eyes wide.
He stilled, smile slowly fading. "You..."
She nodded, biting her lip.
"I..."
"You don't have to say it," she interrupted, holding up a hand. "I just... Needed you to know."
"Oh...kay?" He shook his head slowly.
"Unless you want to... If you actually do. I mean you don't just have to say it because I do or if you feel pressured to. Because I understand if your feelings aren't the same. I'm not expecting you to-"
His mouth cut her off, pressing against hers deeply as he rolled her over so she was sprawled out beneath him, her arms wrapped around his neck. When they drew apart, her eyes were closed and her lips were curved in a smile too.
"You talk too much, Greenpeace."
She let her eyes open and smiled up at him. "How do you propose shutting me up?"
"I have a few suggestions." He leaned down, nose brushing against hers. "And don't let it get to your head, but I love you too." Before she could reply, he kissed her once more.
They should be at home. Just the two of them, fast asleep in their bed, far away from hospitals and car crashes and possible death. He ran a hand over his face, covering his eyes with his palm. He'd be holding her now, with her small, curvy body pressed up against him. And hours later, they'd get up and take a shower together - to conserve water, of course - she'd have some healthy breakfast while he ate Capt'n Crunch cereal and they'd part ways for him to go to work and her to college. That was how it should be; not like this...
"Mr. and Mrs. Simpson?" someone called out and his head jerked up, staring at the couple as they moved toward the doctor, expressions stricken with concern. "I'm Dr. Lobel. I'm a top surgeon here and I've been handling Emma's case personally."
Jay's heart pounded furiously in his chest.
"The crash she was in was incredibly severe which is why it's taken so long. She had various lacerations, a few broken ribs, and a concussion. On top of that, she was stuck in the car for some time before emergency paramedics could get her out." He nodded. "We've done everything we can and she's put up a strong fight. By all accounts, she should come through this just fine. You can see her now, but just for a few minutes. She might be a little out of it from the anesthetic, but still awake. After that, she'll need a lot of rest, so please try and keep your visit short."
"Yes, uh, of course," Snake replied, nodding. "Thank you. Thank you, I just..." He shook his head, staring at the doctor in grateful shock.
"It was no problem," Dr. Lobel assured with a smile.
Crying, Spike wrapped her arms around Snake tightly. "She's okay! She's okay! My little girl..."
Jay breathed a sigh of relief, his head lolling forward and his hands shaking. He couldn't stop the tears now; they fell freely and silently down his face. His back shook, his body tensed. She was okay. He shook his head. Oh god! Thank you! His stomach tightened and his throat burned as he tried to keep a sob of gratitude from escaping. He'd never been so scared in his life. He was still in shock. Just a few words and the darkness cleared. He knew now that she'd be okay; that he didn't have to be afraid anymore. There weren't any "What if's?" plaguing his mind. She was going to be okay.
Still... he couldn't stop shaking.
Suddenly, he realized somebody was in front of him and he let his hands fall to find he was staring at an older version of Emma. A crying Spike was kneeling in front of him, "You must be Jay..."
He stared at her, his eyes wide. "I-How-"
She smiled. "She calls once a week... You don't think you ever came up?"
He shook his head jerkily. It was supposed to stay a secret; Snake wouldn't want his daughter with someone like Jay.
"Since when?" Snake asked, staring down at them with confused disbelief.
"Oh Archie," she said softly. She turned slightly. "I know how you feel about him. I know that he hasn't always been a good guy. And I know that Emma hasn't had the best track record with boys... But trust me..." Her eyes returned to Jay. "These two might just make it." She squeezed his hands, staring at him in a way he remembered his mom used to when he was upset as a kid. "She's going to be okay."
He swallowed, eyes falling.
"I know she said you were stubborn, but you can't be worse than my daughter."
He let out a half-chuckle.
She smiled. "She's a fighter, Jay. And she'll get through this."
He nodded, swallowing whatever fear he had left. "She's gotta..." He looked up at her. "She's been studying for that midterm. She'd freak if she didn't do it."
She grinned, nodding. She stood up, stepping back to take Snake's arm. "We're going back to see her."
He cleared his throat, staring at the floor once more.
"You should come," she suggested.
Awkwardly, he stood up from his seat and stuffed his hands in his pockets. Together, they all made their way down the white halls, smelling strongly of Pinesol and sick people. When they reached her room, he stood back, leaning against the wall. Spike and Snake disappeared inside while he knelt down, picking at the hole in the knee of his jeans, trying to distract himself. She was in there, attached to one of those machines, probably breathing through tubes, scared and in pain... All for some fucking Soy milk...
He rarely felt guilt, but in that moment it was all he could feel. If he'd just said, "Yeah, sure, I'll grab it for you," instead of bitching about being tired, all of this could've been avoided. Hell, even if he was the one who got hit, he'd rather that than have her in there like this.
He sat there for what felt like both seconds and hours; too short and too long before Snake and Spike exited the room. He glanced up, uncomfortably. This wasn't exactly the most ideal way to meet your girlfriend's parents officially. Apparently her mother didn't hate him, but Snake wasn't going to just accept him, not after what he'd done. He stood up from the floor, not sure what to say or do. At least Spike wasn't crying anymore, she looked calm and that just reassured him that Emma couldn't be too hurt. The doctor said she wasn't on her deathbed, so he could relax now, right? He'd go in, see her, make sure she was okay, and then head home... And wait for when he could finally bring her back, so they could return to their usual routine. Where he went to bed holding her and woke up just the same. Where there were no hospitals or car crashes or near-death experiences that left him scared and alone.
"So, she's okay?" he asked, looking at Spike.
She smiled. "She's beat up and tired, but... She's okay."
He nodded.
"She was asking for you," Snake informed him, his expression stiff. "Don't mess this up Jayson." His lips were pursed in a firm line and all Jay could do was nod before he moved toward the door.
He paused, however, suddenly anxious and unsure. He'd only ever seen Emma looking healthy and beautiful. He wasn't sure how he'd react or what he'd think seeing her broken and hurt. He'd seen her cry but never had she been close to death, not with him anyway. What did people always say about experiences like this? Made people put their lives into perspective. First time she nearly died, she went a little weird and started hooking up with him at the ravine. What was gonna happen this time? He wondered. Maybe she'd come back to her senses and wanted to ditch him...
There was a hand on his shoulder, heavy and comforting.
"You go in, you sit down, and you look at her and know that she's going to be okay," came Snake's voice. "Maybe then you'll stop shaking."
He swallowed tightly, felt the hand pull away and took a breath before pushing the door open. The beeping immediately filled his ears and he felt clumsy, walking into the room that was so white and clean while he was still wearing his work clothes and probably looked awkward and worried, two expressions that rarely associated with him.
She looked small. She'd always been small, especially compared to his six foot frame, but now, surrounded by blankets and wires and machines that kept saying she was alive, she was still breathing, she looked tiny. The door closed behind him with a click and he took a step toward her, nervously. Her eyes were closed, her chest rising and falling slowly. He licked his dry lips and just stared. Her face was beat up, her arms littered with bruises, and white bandages covered various parts of her skin. Her lip was split and one of her cheeks had stitches. His jaw clenched; she looked like she got into it with a Mac truck.
Suddenly her eyes fluttered and she looked up at him, her lips curving just slightly. "Hey..." she said softly.
He nodded, unable to get a word out.
Her arm moved slightly, finger pointing to the chair next to her bed.
He moved over, shoulders slumped and fell into the chair, staring downward at the floor.
"I got my milk," she said with a slight chuckle.
He shook his head. "'s not funny."
He felt her fingers in his hair and his eyes closed as she stroked lightly. "Lighten up, Jay. I'm fine."
"You could've died," he reminded, voice harsh.
She sighed. "But I didn't."
"You could've..."
"And I could tomorrow. You could driving home tonight. I could get cancer or live to be a hundred!" She let her hand fall, nudging his chin with her fingers so he'd look at her. "It was an accident, Jay. Guy wasn't looking where he was going, ran a stop sign... I just happened to be in the way." She ran her fingers up and down his cheek, like she often did when she was trying to wake him up from a nap. "I'm okay."
He grit his teeth. "I'm getting the milk next time."
She smiled. "You can't hide me away in the apartment forever, you know."
"I can try," he replied stubbornly.
She chuckled lightly. "Only if you stay with me..."
He looked up at her and took her hand with his, holding it carefully. "How do you feel?"
"Like I got hit by a small truck," she said, half-grinning. When he glared, she rolled her eyes. "I'd rather be at home right now. Instead of stuck here, in this overly stiff bed with all these stupid wires and that..." She frowned, "Beep, constantly driving me crazy." She shuddered.
He ran his fingers up and down her arm, tracing her skin, carefully avoiding the bandages. "I'd sneak you out but I think it's frowned upon after surgery."
She snorted. "Frowned upon... and that's actually stopping you?"
He pursed his lips. "Try and keep those hormones in check, GP. I think you can stand a night or two without me next to you." Even if he didn't want her to.
She smiled sadly, shaking her head. "I don't want to."
He half-smirked. "Maybe you'll appreciate me more after this."
She laughed. "Me appreciate you? Hey, I was in the accident, buddy, I think it should be the other way around!"
He shrugged. "You're so self-involved, Nelson."
She scoffed, shaking her head. "Yeah, that's me..." She rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you're arguing with me right after I got out of surgery."
"Can't break tradition." He swallowed tightly, hoping she didn't notice how his voice wavered a bit.
She stared at him, eyes soft, and he knew she did. "Jay..."
He shook his head, looking down.
"Sunrise is coming soon," she told him quietly.
He cleared his throat before standing up and moving toward the window, pulling the blinds up and opening the curtain around her bed wider before he retook his seat, moving it closer to her. He held her hand against the bed, their fingers entwined, and watched as the sun rose, painting her with its bright rays. She smiled, yawning slightly, but forcing herself to stay awake and watch.
"'s beautiful," she mumbled, eyes half closed.
He stared at her, bending to kiss her forearm gently. "Yeah, beautiful."
She looked at him, lips curving. "Love you."
He nodded. "Love you too, Em."
She let her eyes close, falling asleep while he sat next to her, holding her hand in his, watching the sun rise outside. He sighed, noticing that the shaking was finally gone. He was okay, she was okay, they were going to be okay. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, it wasn't like usual, but she was nearby, and he figured that was good enough. He could try sleeping this way, with the warmth of her hand in his and the reassurance that she was gonna make it through just fine. He wondered if they'd let him stay here every night, as long as he kept out of the way and in the not-so-comfortable chair he was occupying. 'Cause going a whole week without her was too out of the ordinary for him to get used to right now. Just knowing she was in the same room was enough stability for him and he wasn't leaving her, not until they dragged him out.