Title: Tingles True Identity: A tale of Stalkers
Link put the ocarina to his mouth and played the tune he had played countless times before. The song of time echoed through the rooftops, carrying over the wind and through to the forest depths, the mountain tops, through to the ocean and even through time itself.
As the magic began to take effect, Link felt uneasy and light headed, almost falling over when the Ocarina began to fold time, taking Link back three days earlier.
Somehow he had to succeed this time.
He had to escape. Escape from that stalker and pervert called Tingle.
Tingle had been stalking Link in every timeline he had been. Where ever Link went, there he was. The big sissy, Tingle.
In Clock town. There he was.
Milk lane. Yep, Tingle was there too.
Link went to the southern swamp. There he was.
Link travelled to Mountain Village, Tingle followed.
What about Ikana Village. Oh yes, Tingle went also.
He was stalking Link.
A 35 year old man, dressed in tights was stalking Link.
He had to end it.
The town centre slowly appeared before him as the effect of the song came to an end. Looking up at the clock above him, he checked to see it was the correct day and time.
It was.
As Link set about his mission to escape the dodgy stalker Tingle.
The first step in his plan called for Link to throw Tingle off, by pretending to go out of the North entrance, and then using his ocarina, he would call Epona and high tale it back to the southern swamp.
Running up the stairs, he soon found himself in the most northern part of town. In the far corner was the slide, where the kids played, and some thief lurked about watching them, before mugging the old lady in the middle of the night.
As Link looked to the left, the sight before him mad his blood run cold. A shiver ran up his spine. There, deifying all physical laws was a fully grown man, some how being held mid air by nothing but a balloon. The man was a horror all two familiar to Link, it was his new arch nemesis. Tingle.
As the man continued to float up above the town, Link, panicked. His plan began to disappear from his mind.
Link turned to run, but it was too late. Before he could spin round, a small child that had been playing, decided to begin spitting at Tingle. An act that Link would at any other time encourage. [Warning. The squeamish should turn away now.] Unfortunately, it just so happened that the kid had hocked up a disgustingly thick green mucus. The projectile flew through the air, bursting the balloon that held Tingle up, causing him to fall to the floor.
Come on broken neck Link hoped crossing his fingers to bring him luck as Tingle plummeted towards the ground.
It never happened.
"What's this? Green clothes... White fairy..." Tingle begun, spotting Link. "Sir, could you, by chance, be a pervert too?"
"Quick Tatl now." Link shouted.
The fairy flew straight at Tingles eyes, temporarily blinding him.
Link used the time to escape, running as fast as he could towards the north exit. Of course, in his state of mind, the fear he was feeling from his ugly encounter with Tingle, he completely missed the nearest exit that was just in front of him, instead running back through the doorway at the far end, past the Mayors residence at full pace. By the time he had reached the Lattee milk bar, he had slowed down just enough to see the exit that was guarded by a particularly stupid looking guard.
"Quick, over there." The bitchy Fairy known as Tatl suggested... well, more ordered then suggested.
Link couldn't hold it against her though, ordering people about seemed to be in the Tatl's nature. She must be the fairy version of a princess.
She kind of reminds me of Zelda Link though to himself as Tatl began bitching on about how stupid the guard looked.
"Well, come on then. I thought you wanted to escape from that pervert Tingle." Tatl's bitching brought Link out of his current musing.
"Good idea." He said running towards the exit, where a guard was currently standing.
As soon as link got close, the guard lent forward in a sumo wrestler pose and started following Link, thus preventing him getting past.
Jerk Link thought to himself. I don't have time to play games... Great, another pervert.
"What do you think you're doing." Link asked the guard harshly, slightly agitated.
"Stop right there! Have you some errand in the Canyon?" The guard asked, completely oblivious to Links tone.
"Not really." Link answered. "I just wanted to escape from Tingle. I think he tried to put the moves on me."
"It is dangerous outside the town walls, so I cannot allow a child like you to..." The guard droned on.
"Hey. I'm not a child." Link stamped his foot down in a typical temper tantrum sort of way. "Why does everyone keep saying that."
Link suddenly had an idea, pulling his sword from it's sheath, he showed the guard that he could defend himself. "Look, I have a sword." Link told the guard pointedly. "I'll be fine." To prove his point Link took a few swipes at the air, adding in a thrust for good measure.
"Sorry." The guard began. "I can't let you pass with just a knife."
"But it's a sword." Link insisted.
"It looks like a knife to me." The guard argued back.
"What, it doesn't look any thing like a knife." Link said, raising his voice as his agitation done the same (rose, that is.). "See, look." He said taking the scabbard off and pointing to some writing. "It clearly say's 'Sword scabbard.'"
"I don't know, it still looks like a knife to me." The guard wasn't backing down.
Link shook his head. "Okay, what about this then?" He said pulling out the Gilded sword.
"Hmmm." The guard said, thinking for a moment. "That looks like more of a dagger to me."
Suddenly an Idea formed in Links head. Pulling out the largest sword he had, which was cunningly hidden up his sleeves, he presented the Great Fairy's Sword to the guard. The sheer weight of the blade caused Link to topple over, hitting his head on the pavement. "Oww. Son of a..."
"Is that..." The guard stuttered. "The great Fairy's sword?"
"Yep." Link said proudly, rubbing his head. "The great Fairy's sword, it has the works.
"Black roses etched into it's blade?" The guard asked.
"Uh huh." Link agreed.
"Reinforced skittles back bone for extra colour?" The guard, it turned out was a great fairy sword expert. He knew all about them, and wanted to know the full specs of this particular one.
"You bet. You can taste the rainbow in that baby." Link exclaimed proudly.
"Dandelion encrusted handle with vine overlay for extra grip?"
"Not just any vine overlay." Link told him. "I heard from the grapevine, that the vine overlay is from a set of the Great fairy's clothes."
"Who told you that?" The guard wanted to know exactly who would have knowledge that he didn't about the Great Fairy's Sword.
"The grapevine." Link told him, turning the sword so the guard could see the handle. "It's what the overlay is made from. Look"
The guard looked closer at the vine, which appeared to be alive. "I'm made from a set of the great fairy's panties." The handle told him.
"Well I'll be." The guard said.
"So, can I get past then?" Link asked.
"I'm sorry, but the great fairy's sword is a blade."
"WHAT." Link cried out baffled. "How can the Great Fairy's SWORD be a blade? It's a sword, you said your self it's the Great Fairy's SWORD."
"I don't make the rules up." The guard began. "Besides, your safer in here then you are out there."
"WHAT." Link shouted, looking around nervously. "But Tingles here... He could be anywhere." Link looked suspiciously at the boxes in the square. "Even in one of them."
"Nope" the guard assured him. "There's just money in them. It's a new system were introducing, it's called 'Box banking'. It's based on an honour system. You keep your money in a box or randomly growing blade of grass, and everyone promises not to steal it."
"And what happens if someone doesn't make that promise?" Link asked.
"Then they don't get to use the box." The guard answered.
"Oh... I think I'll stick to the mystical man in the back streets." Link mumbled to himself. "Can you please let me past now." He asked again.
"I'm sorry sir. Tingle or no Tingle, it's safer in here."
Link now needed another excuse. Looking up into the sky. "Haven't you noticed that big thing in the sky."
The guard looked up, taking a step back in shock at the sight that greeted him. "Wow, the moon sure is big today."
"Yep. It is big... AND FALLING TOWARDS US." Link shouted.
"How do you figure?" The guard asked.
"Well... Um... the moon is... Um... well look at it." Link stuttered out, not quite sure how to get through to this guy, waving his arms frantically Link attempted to get the guard to actually have a look at the moon. "See, look at that scary face on it. It's evil."
"That's not a face" The guard refused to believe what Link was telling him.
"Then how do you explain those eye shaped and coloured sections... and the... Um... Mouth, and the nose... and the fact that the moon really, really looks like it has a face?" Link asked.
"I chock it all up to the Magic Mushrooms those Twinrova witches; Koume and Kotake gave to me earlier." The guard told Link.
"Okay... so the moon doesn't have a face then." Link agreed. "But it's still falling towards the town."
The guard just looked blackly at Link. His face the epitome of bewilderment. The guard looked to the moon, and then back to Link as a long silence developed between them.
After seconds of silence, something in the sky caught the guards attention. "Ah, would you look at that." He exclaimed to Link, pointing at the moon. "The moons falling towards the town. Well ain't that a kick in the knickers." The guard said as he looked at the moon again.
"That's what I've been trying to tell you." Link shouted. "So, are you going to let me pass?" Link asked, now sure the guard would see it was more dangerous in this town then outside, especially with that pervert Tingle prowling.
"It is dangerous outside the town walls, so I cannot allow a child like you to..." The guard reiterated.
"BUT..." Link began, but he didn't have the strength to fight anymore. "Forget it. Come on Tatl." He whispered, walking off with his shoulders slumped.
As Link turned round, the guard noticed a scabbard on the boys back, it seemed to be holding some sort of weapon... It looked like a... "...A sword?" The guard said, getting the boys attention. "My apologies, sir. It was wrong of me to treat you like a child. The canyon at Stone Tower lies this way. So be careful"
Link felt a tear form in his eye, a moment of joy coursed through him at the realisation that this ordeal was finally over. He could finally escape that stalker
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
Link quickly rode Epona to the Southern Swamp, putting a distance between him and the town. At worst, he would get lost deep within the forest and never have to see Tingle again, even if it did mean getting eaten by Wolfo's. At best, he would get rid of Tingle. For good.
Link finally reached his goal. The Tree house which grew at the edge of the river. Climbing the ladder, he entered the building at the top.
Inside, a large man, who somewhat resembled a hillbilly, stood.
This was the man Link was looking for.
Link walked up to the counter, and caught the mans attention. The man didn't seem to respond, muttering something to himself.
"Blimey! Where is he? That spoiled child is off playin' hooky again!" He began. "A registered sex offender has no business searching for fairies...!" He complained. Finally noticing Link.
"Oh! Ahem... Welcome!" He greeted.
"Hey." Link greeted back. "I couldn't help overhear about your child. Tingle is it?"
The man nodded. "Yeah. Tingle is his name. I never raised him the way he is. He got it form his mother. He must of."
"I may be able to help you find him." Link told him. "I might know where he is."
"How?" The man asked.
"He's stalking me." Link said tearing up. "He's following me everywhere, and I jut can't seem to get rid of him."
"Figures." The man said. "What are you, 10, 11 maybe."
Link nodded. "I'm 10."
"That would explain it." The man said. "Okay then. You have to destroy him. Tingle must be defeated. If you can get him here, I'll put him back in his cage... I don't know how he got out in the first place, the Deku King had the cage specially build so that Tingle would never escape. But if you can't get him here, you must destroy him once and for all."
Link nodded in understanding. "How long has he been at large?".
"I haven't seen him for a week." The man said. "Who knows what damage he's done."
Something's not quite right Link though to himself. "All right. I'll get him here."
"Hurry." The man shouted back.
As Link got outside, his mind seem to let the matter go. So many unanswered questions.
Why would Tingle be stalking him?
Surely if he was a sex offender, he would have gone to Pirates Cove. Wouldn't he? Lots of women there.
Or why not hang about like the thief around the slide, or stalk the bombers gang.
It just didn't fit.
Link suspected something was wrong. "Why do I always get stalkers." He sighed.
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
Link made his way to the quietest place in Termina.
His trusty horse getting him there in no time.
Standing in this place of death, Ikana Canyon, his heart felt no fear. He was a hero. He didn't fear death or monsters. Suddenly he felt a shiver run down his spine, as though someone had just stepped over his grave.
Link looked up to confirm what he suspected. Tingle had arrived. Taking a sigh, he prepared.
"It ends." He whispered. Pulling out the bow, he aimed it at Tingle's balloon. The arrow held true, flying directly through the centre of the balloon. Tingle fell to the ground.
"Whats this? Green clothes... White fairy... Sir, could you, by chance, be a forest fairy?
Oh my!" He began as he always done, jumping around exitedly.
"Stop it." Link warned, his eyes twitching in stress. "You must..."
"My name is Tingle! I think I am the same as you, sir. A forest fairy! Alas, though I am already age 35, no fairy has come to me yet..." Tingle continued.
"Please stop it." Link asked again, both eye's twitching. "Listen to..."
"My father tells me to grow up and act my age, but why? I tell you... Tingle is the very reincarnation of a fairy!"
"Stop. Stop talking as if you've only just met me." Link shouted. This time his head twitched to the side as he could feel himself loosing it.
"Now while I stand her... stalking you.... I mean waiting for a fairy of my own, I sell maps to help out my father."
"Stop. Please, please... Stop. Please. I'm begging you. Stop." He screamed. "Come with me if you want to live."
"Lucky! Lucky! You're so very lucky to have a fairy! I know! I know! We should be friends!
Yes! Yes! In exchange, I will sell you a map for cheap as a sign of my friendship.
Will you buy one of Tingle's maps?"
"No. Why the hell would I buy one of your maps, I've already brought all of them." Link said on the verge of breaking down.
"...I see! Well, call again!" Tingle said as he prepared to blow up another balloon in his collection. "Tingle, Tingle! Kooloo-Limpah! ...These are the magic words that Tingle created himself. Don't steal them!"
"Not this time." Link said putting on the Goron mask. He pulled out a powder keg, throwing it at Tingle. Then as soon as it hit, Link with amazing speed back flipped away, pulling out his bow mid flight, he shot the keg, causing it to explode in a giant fireball of destruction. Green clothes and pieces of body flying everywhere.
As the pieces landed, Link felt at ease for the first time since arriving in Termina. Turning his back, he prepared to go and save Termina from the skull kid, an easy mission compared to the emotion of this one. Never noticing the pieces of Tingle melt into a silver liquid, the liquid pooled together continuing the parody of Terminator, it's reflective properties building the suspense. Tingle reformed from where he had been blown up.
"What's this? Green clothes... White fairy... Sir, could you, by chance, be a forest fairy? He spoke out loud.
Link heard someone speak in the distance, shaking his head in disbelief. No... It can't be...
It was.
Tingle stood behind him, fully healed. "What are you?" Link gasped.
"You can never know my true identity." Tingle told him. "It's impossible."
"No, wait. I've got it." Link replied flippantly pulling out the lens of truth. "OH MY GOD." Link choked out, stumbling backwards.
Tingle realised his game was up, pulling the Tingle Mask off. "Hi Link. It's me, your bride to be, Ruto."
The stalker fish woman from Links past ran up to her love, and began showering him with kisses, wrapping her fin like hands so he couldn't escape.
"Oh god... I came here to escape you." Link cried out, pulling away as Ruto attempted to kiss him again. "I prefer Tingle to you... Change back, change back."
"You should know dimensional travels could never keep us apart, my love." The princess told him, again smothering him.
"But when I defeated Ganon, I was transported back in time to before we even met. How..." Link couldn't believe she had found him. He dreaded this day. That's why, after Zelda had transported him back in time, he never went to the fish-kingdom again. Instead, travelling deep into the lost woods before eventually finding his way to the parallel universe, Termina.
"Time cannot hold back our destined love. We are meant to be together. Forever." Ruto explained.
Link gulped. Finally realising she was right. He would never be able to escape her. "Wait. What happened to Tingle then?" He asked to clear up the plotline, and to give Ruto a chance to tell a story that would eventually lead to Link getting free.
"Ah Tingle. That is a tale of forbidden love. You met Tingle the first time you came here, that very first day, before you went back in time. He did stalk you for a while, thats when my plan formed. Way back when you were still a Deku-Link. Seeing you as a grotesque Deku scrub left me feeling empty. I couldn't love you when you looked so hideous."
Link gasped. "You shallow bitch." He shouted.
"Well what do you expect. I'm a princess." She told him. "We're all shallow. You don't think even for one second that Zelda would have you as a Deku Scrub do you?" Ruto asked.
"Well, no.... Hey, wait a minute. Your a big fish person. That's no better then a Deku scrub!!!"
"But I'm a princess." Ruto answered. "I can afford plastic surgery. When I hit 16 I'm going to be de-scaled, and de-finned. Daddy promised me."
"Oh." Was all that Link could say. "Um... You were explaining about Tingle."
Ruto got a sad look in her eyes as she continued her story of lost love. "When I saw... You... I was hollow inside. I needed to feel loved, so I went looking for the nearest thing to you as I could."
"Tingle." Link finished for her, horrified that she would even compare them.
"Yes, Tingle. He wore green clothes, like you. And one day he was going to find a fairy. So we got together. Tingle made me feel like a woman link."
"But your a fish." Link pointed out. "And your not a woman, your a child."
"I don't care. Me and Tingle fell in love."
Link shuddered. "Ewwwww." was his disgusted response. "So, what happened to Tingle?"
"He went to live his life. He had things to do, mainly escaping the law. We weren't destined I suppose. Not like you and me Link. After Tingle left, I finally found you again, as the real you. I decided to become your stalker again. I had the happy mask salesman make me a Tingle Mask... and the rest just all seemed to fall into place."
Link thought for a moment. Letting it all sink in. "So where's the real Tingle then?"
"He hung around the bomber gang for a while, and then went off to Pirates Cove... I think the police were after him, so he left. And now we must mate. I will release my clutch of eggs into the ocean, and you will fertilise them. All those that don't hatch, we can eat."
Oh go... What do I. Please, someone save me. Link was fast running out of things to do or say that would delay Ruto's plans to make him his wife. As Link racked his brain, a sudden and unexpected thought popped into his head. I got it.
Dipping his hands into his pocket, he found what he was looking for. It only took a second to rig it up. Throwing it into the air, Ruto instinctively jumped for the maggot. As she Swallowed it whole, something caught on her lips, digging into her skin. "Ahhhh." She screamed "A hook. I've been caught. Help me. Help" She screamed again, running around like mad.
As Link continued to reel Ruto in, he let the line go slack, knowing that fish instinctively run once they've been hooked. Even if the one that was catching them was what they wanted the most.
Ruto fought with all her strength, running across Ikana Canyon, she dived into the river that cut across the land. She now swam downstream, pulling against the line that threatened to pull her back to the land.
Almost there She though as she neared the waterfall. "If I can just make it to the edge..."
Ruto dived high out of the water, her scales sparkling in the sun as the early morning beams caught her. Falling over the waterfall, the line snapped. Ha, that'll show him to use just 4Ibls line. She thought victoriously, swimming of with the currents, where the river would eventually meet the sea.
Link felt the line grow suddenly tight, before it went slack. "It's over." He grinned. "All I got to do now is save Termina."
The End... Cause I can't be bothered to give it a real ending.
12 Weeks later.
Stalkers Anonymous
Ruto finally finished telling her story to the rest of the group, a story of love, of lonliness and of stalking. "I'm a stalker." She finally admitted. "I stalked a boy called Link. I followed him everywhere." Receiving a standing ovation, Ruto smiled.
Her road to healing had begun.
"Wow." Someone responded from the door, having finally found the right class they heard the whole story, getting teary eyed. "I though I was the only one with 'men in green clothing with Fairy's obsession."
It can't be Ruto thought wistfully. "Tingle...."
The end End.