Preface: this is a jumble of the 1997-1999 seasons. Sam, working for D&D in some artistic capacity, is wooing ballplayer Jeff Baylor to be some spokesperson for some client. Jennifer Mancini wants Billy. Coop and Meagan are together, Michael is alone, and some sort of mishap involving a suicide attempt has interrupted Amanda and Kyle's first attempt at a wedding. Jake and Alison (who left earlier in the real show) are a couple, working together at Shooters, the bar.
INT. JEFF BAYLOR'S BEDROOM, NIGHT.
SAM CAMPBELL and JEFF BAYLOR lay on the floor, catching their breath.
JEFF
Wow, Sam. That was…it was…
SAM
I know, I know.
He reaches for Sam, but she pulls away.
JEFF
What's the matter?
SAM
You know what the matter is. I'm a…an…adulterer.
JEFF
No, Sam, don't say that.
SAM
You're right, I'm an adulteress!
JEFF
(somberly)
You regret that we made lo-
SAM
(covering her ears)
Don't say that! Don't say that! I only make love to my husband. I should be at home making love to Billy right now! I can't believe I've...cheated on my husband of 3 months. I'm not Sydney!
JEFF
Who?
SAM
Nevermind.
She jumps to her feet, quickly trying to find her clothes.
SAM (CONT'D)
I gotta get home to my man. I can't stand to look at myself...I feel like my father!
JEFF
Sam! Sam!
He stands and wraps himself in his baseball team's logo beach blanket.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Are you sure that's what you wanna do? I mean, if things were so great between you two, why are you here with me?
SAM
Thanks. That makes me feel much better.
JEFF
I'm sorry. Look, I don't doubt for a second that you love your husband.
SAM
(as she puts her skirt back on and zips it)
That's right, I do love my husband.
JEFF
But this thing between us...are you saying you don't have feelings for me at all?
SAM
I don't know...Yes, I mean…no…I'm just so confused.
JEFF
Well, let me make it real clear for you.
He opens his arms and invites her to join him and the team blanket. She does.
EXT. PARKING LOT - NIGHT
BILLY CAMPBELL hurries from a photo shoot for D & D Advertising. JENNIFER MANCINI is quickly in tow.
JENNIFER
Billy, wait!
BILLY
(fumbling with his keys)
No, I gotta get home now.
JENNIFER
It was just one kiss, Billy. Don't have a cow.
BILLY
I don't kiss other women, ok? I'm not like that. I'm not like...like--
JENNIFER
Michael?
BILLY
Uh, yeah. Let's get the hell outta here.
JENNIFER
Oh, wait.
She stops him to wipe his lips.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
You've got lipstick on you.
BILLY
This never happened, ok?
He opens the door for her and they get into his car.
BILLY (CONT'D)
Let's just forget this happened and move on with our lives.
JENNIFER
(rolling her eyes)
"Move on with our lives"? Billy, is this your first affair?
BILLY
This is not an affair! I love my wife very much and nothing's gonna change that.
JENNIFER
Whatever you say, Billy.
She looks out the window to hide a devious smile on her face.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
Whatever you say.
OPENING CREDITS ROLL
EXT. MELROSE PLACE APARTMENTS - NIGHT
AMANDA WOODWARD opens the door to show COOP and MEGAN MANCINI the empty apartment they will soon move into together.
AMANDA
Well, this is it, guys.
COOP
(to Meagan)
What do you think?
MEAGAN
I almost can't believe we're doing this.
TAYLOR MCBRIDE comes out of her apartment, which is next door, and immediately butts in.
AMANDA
This moving in together is jumping the broom kinda quick, isn't it?
TAYLOR
Well, gee, Amanda. Just because you can't keep a man doesn't mean the rest of us should go without...right Meagan?
AMANDA
(rolling her eyes)
You should talk. I don't see any men around this place trying to move in with your ass.
TAYLOR
Just biding my time, blondie.
COOP
Ladies, please. There's plenty of poor single guys to go around.
(To Meagan)
Just not me.
MEAGAN
That's right.
The two kiss, Taylor and Amanda gag.
TAYLOR
Well, you two lovebirds, I'm outta here. I've got a restaurant to run. I'd like to say that I'll see you at Amanda's next wedding, but, let's face it. That'll never happen.
AMANDA
(laughing)
Oh, it will. And don't expect an invitation. Kyle and I are getting married in a church, and if you show your ugly face I'll douse you with so much holy water that you'll disintegrate.
TAYLOR
I'm shaking, really, I'm terrified.
She turns around to walk away. Amanda notices something on Taylor's posterior.
AMANDA
Retaining a little extra water this month, Taylor?
Taylor pats her tummy and grins.
TAYLOR
Real men like a little extra meat on their bones
She turns to face Amanda.
TAYLOR (CONT'D)
Kyle says so, anyway.
Amanda frowns, Coop and Meagan exit into the apartment while Taylor trots off triumphantly.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOOTERS - MORNING
JAKE HANSON is setting up the place before opening. ALISON PARKER stumbles in, wearing sunglasses and obviously hungover.
JAKE
Where were you last night, Alison? I was worried sick.
ALISON
(slurring a bit)
I was having fun, which is more than I can say for you these days.
Alison sits down at the bar, takes off her glasses, and squints at the morning sun. She opens her purse and rifles through it.
ALISON (CONT'D)
D'ya have any motrin?
JAKE
(exasperated)
Dammit, Alison! Why are you doing this? You haven't had a drink in a year, you've been going to meetings-what happened?
Jake walks over to Alison and takes her hand.
JAKE (CONT'D)
Don't I make you happy anymore?
ALISON
Oh, Jake. I…I…Oh, God.
She throws up inside her purse.
JAKE
Good grief.
CUT TO:
INT. BILLY AND SAM'S APARTMENT - MORNING
Billy and Sam lie awake on their own sides on the bed, not cuddling or anything.
BILLY
Good morning.
SAM
Morning.
They kiss good morning uncomfortably.
SAM (CONT'D)
So, how did the photo shoot go last night?
BILLY
Fine.
SAM
Did you get what you wanted for the layout?
Billy sees a flash of him kissing Jennifer last night during the photo shoot.
BILLY
Almost. I may have to work some more late hours with Jennifer on that.
SAM
Jennifer? What does she have to do with it?
BILLY
(scrambling)
She was helping me brainstorm some ideas. You know Amanda's been on the warpath since her wedding to Kyle fizzled.
SAM
Yeah. Right.
BILLY
You got in awfully late last night. Did the meeting with Baylor go well?
Sam sees a flash of her and Jeff Baylor doing it on the floor.
SAM
Uh, yeah. He really has good ideas on how to push product.
BILLY
(suspicous)
Really? What kind of ideas?
SAM
(scrambling)
Well, he thinks that it's all about timing. He wants to start off the campaign nice and slow...find his target audience...and then home in…being very attentive…use a lot of oral arguments…get the audience begging for him…and then just when they want it--
(closing her eyes)
He gives it to you. Hard. Again and again and again.
Billy looks on confusedly as Sam gets out of bed, flushed.
BILLY
You ok?
Sam goes to the bathroom and locks the door.
SAM
I'm...uh...gonna take a bath. I'll be out in an hour, so, uh, don't disturb me.
Billy pouts and walks over to the window. He looks down at the courtyard, and sees Jennifer lying out by the pool. She sees him and smiles.
JENNIFER
(yelling up to the window)
Good morning.
Billy waves.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
You might want to put some pants on.
Billy looks down and finds himself stark naked, in front of the open curtains. He turns red and quickly closes the curtains.
JENNIFER (CONT'D)
(to herself)
Well…size isn't everything.
CUT TO:
INT. BURNS-MANCINI-COOPER MEDICAL OFFICE - LATER
Megan is typing or filing or otherwise looking busy at her "office manager's" desk. PETER BURNS comes out of his office.
PETER
Megan, has Lexi called?
MEGAN
No, of course not. She thinks you were responsible for her father's death. Give her some time.
PETER
How much time does she need? It's already been two days!
MEGAN
Listen, I want to tell you something. Coop and I are moving in together.
PETER
What are you crazy? Michael will go ballistic.
MEGAN
I don't care what Michael thinks. I've already filed divorce papers, and I don't care if I ever see him again.
MICHAEL MANCINI comes in the door.
MICHAEL
Good morning, my beautiful wife. Oh, and you, too, Peter.
MEGAN
Michael, I told you to stop calling me that. I'm getting a divorce. I'm with Coop now.
MICHAEL
Sure you are. Listen, babe, we're meant for each other. I'm not gonna let some freaky Midwestern quack steal away my third wife out of revenge for me stealing my second wife from him…wait…or was Kimberly my third wife?
PETER
Michael, I think you may want to seek professional help.
Coop comes out of his office.
COOP
Yes, do. Maybe we can set you up at the mental institution that you sentenced Kimberly to. I think that'd be just desserts.
MICHAEL
Just desserts? Megan, how can you sleep with this guy?
COOP
Because she has great taste.
MICHAEL
Dude, I hate to burst your bubble, but she used to be a prostitute.
PETER
Michael!
MEGAN
You see? That's why I'm getting a divorce. You never respected me Michael, not even after I left a very lucrative career-
ALL THREE MEN
Career?
MEGAN
For you! I'm my own woman now, Michael. It's about time you realized that.
Silence for a beat. Coop puts his arm around Megan proudly.
MICHAEL
Huh. So, does that mean we can't have sex anymore?
CUT TO:
INT. D & D ADVERTISING CONFERNENCE ROOM - DAY
Amanda is standing in front of a group of male clients, giving a pitch. She points a laser pointer at a drawing being projected onto the wall.
AMANDA
And with the figures that the accounting department has come up with, we project an annual profit margin of twenty percent. Marlin Industries stands to gain a lot--if you sign on with D & D.
She motions for someone to turn the lights back on and puts the laser pointer on the table.
AMANDA (CONT'D)
So, any questions?
The businessmen all silently look to the man sitting at the head of the conference table, TONY MARLIN.
AMANDA (CONT'D)
Is this what you were looking for?
TONY MARLIN, the head honcho, picks up the laser pointer.
TONY
Well, Amanda, I just have one concern--oops.
He drops the laser pointer to the floor and it rolls past Amanda's feet into a corner.
TONY (CONT'D)
Could you get that for me, hun?
Amanda blushes as she tries to lower to the ground to get the pointer. Her micro-mini skirt only has so little room to creep up. The men in the room chuckle.
TONY (CONT'D)
That's a good girl.
Amanda jumps to her feet angrily.
AMANDA
Good girl? Excuse me? You must not know who the hell you're dealing with! I won't be treated like some stupid bimbo ad exec like Alison Parker!
TONY
I think you'll be treated any way we want…if you want our business.
KYLE MCBRIDE bursts through the door, wearing marine fatigues with an apron over them.
KYLE
What's going on here?
AMANDA
Nothing, Kyle. I can handle it.
TONY
Who is this? Your big strong boyfriend come to rescue you?
AMANDA
I don't need rescuing!
KYLE
(mixing something in a bowl with a wisk)
Is this guy sexually harassing you, baby?
AMANDA
I told you I can handle it, Kyle!
TONY
Who is this guy, Gomer Pyle?
Kyle runs across the room, somersaults over the conference table, and starts wailing on Tony. The others just stand by, watching.
AMANDA
Not again, Kyle! I need this account!
KYLE
I'll show him Gomer Pyle! I was in Desert Storm!
Tony lies on the floor, getting the crap kicked out of him, but laughs hysterically.
TONY
You'll never get the Marlin account now, Amanda! You're finished in advertising! You might as well go work at Scores!
KYLE
(still beating Tony up)
Shut up! That's my future wife you're talking to!
Suddenly Taylor comes in the room, wearing a bikini, with a very pregnant belly hanging over her thong bottoms.
TAYLOR
(sucking on a lollipop)
Did you call me, honey?
AMANDA
What the hell are you doing here?
TAYLOR
(taking Kyle's arm)
Oh, didn't Kyle tell you? I'm pregnant with his baby! And, get this--our divorce never went through, so we're still really married, too! Isn't that great?
KYLE
Hey, not bad for a guy who's suffering from Desert Storm related sterility!
TAYLOR
At least that's what Peter said.
TONY
(coughing up blood)
You let her ex-husband feel up your nads?
Kyle kicks him really hard.
AMANDA
(yelling)
STOP IT!
CUT TO:
INT. AMANDA'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Amanda bolts upright in bed, awakened suddenly from the horrible nightmare.
AMANDA
Stop it!
Kyle, sleeping next to her, wakes up too.
KYLE
Hey, what's wrong?
AMANDA
(shaking)
I just had the worst nightmare.
Kyle takes her in his arms lovingly.
KYLE
Oh, baby. What happened?
AMANDA
You…and Taylor…and…nevermind. It was just bad.
KYLE
Don't you worry about Taylor. Just because she dug up an old girlfriend of mine who played with my guilt, rehashed old war wounds, and then made me rescue her from a failed suicide attempt, thus ruining our beloved wedding day…she's not a problem anymore.
AMANDA
Oh, yeah.
KYLE
Yes. Taylor is history. You and me- we're the future.
They kiss.
AMANDA
Kyle. Is Taylor pregnant with your child?
Kyle pauses for a long time.
KYLE
That depends.
AMANDA
Get out!
FADE TO BLACK. CLOSING CREDITS