"People don't change that much…"
"Yes, they do. They grow up and they accept responsibilities, and they realize that 'die young stay pretty' isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be."
Drue and Jen, Dawson's Creek
Life is hard, I understand that. I know there are things out there those causes you pain, and there are things that are also out there to help you feel better. But those things are too few and far between. I walk around, with a fake grin plastered to my face…I think I'm starting to get a cramp from smiling so much. I'm not happy, I only smile because that's what is expected of me. No one understands the pain my heart feels.
I've felt pain before, but never like this. At first I thought it was the ghost pains of Sasuke's fist going through my chest, Tsunade-baa-chan told me that was to be expected, but I know its not. Its not physical pain I feel, it's…nothing. I feel nothing. A empty void is whirling around where I know my heart should be. My heart still beats, but every pump I feel sends pain coursing through my being. Sakura was mad that I failed to bring Sasuke back, she didn't yell at me, but I read it in her eyes, same thing with Kakashi-sensei, his eye told me of his disappointment in me.
I've always been good at that. Reading people, it just comes naturally. If I read what's in their face or eyes, I can always stay a step ahead so no one will realize what darkness is hidden within my own soul.
I walk towards the mountain, with the Hokage's faces carved on them. My dream was to one day be up there with them. To be respected for who I am, not who I'm expected to be. I know now that that dream will never come true. If I cannot save one shinobi, how can I protect an entire village? I still remember his eyes as he shoved his fist into me. They were so cold, like ice. He absolutely wanted to kill me. I don't understand. He was my best friend, my true friend. I understood him, even though I don't think he understood me. We both suffer, we're both orphans, and we both strive to be stronger, but that's where our similarities end. Unlike me, he doesn't wear a mask, he doesn't have to.
My hand clasps a handful of my orange jacket over my heart. I hate orange, but it's the only thing I can afford, the villagers raise the prices ridiculously high when I wish to buy stuff. Ichikaru Ramen is the only person who actually sells me edible food for a decent price. I don't even know why I bother. I love this village but at the same time I desperately hate it. I begin to walk home, my hands shoved in my pockets. Villagers glare and whisper heatedly as I walk by, but I ignore them, and plaster a smile towards their general direction. I can see the school house, my personal hell for a few years. Not only did the adults torment me on the streets and vandalize my apartment, they had taught their children to either attack or ignore me. Even the teachers hated my guts, and the kicker was I didn't even know why they all hated me all those years. Then Iruka-sensei came, he was decent to me. I wonder…if the relation we had…was like that of siblings? Maybe even that of father and son… I don't know, and I think I never will know. I feel partially guilty knowing that a part of me, the Kyuubi, destroyed his family in a single night. Sometimes I just don't understand how he can look at me and show me such kindness.
I reach the training grounds, its sunset now. I look at the sky, and I can't help but admire the painted sky. Faded pink and purple were streaked past and through the warm gold dancing in the clouds and the sun quickly faded. I walk up to the posts that not to long ago I was tied to. I see a faded picture of Sakura and Sasuke sitting on either side of me, and a ghost of a grin graced my now solemn face. I know my eyes are no longer glittering with the mirth that I repeatedly place there. I sigh and kick the ground, sending dirt flying.
"Damnit." I mumble softly. The pain wrenches at my chest slightly. I blinked slowly, breathing deeply. I turned away and began to walk. Where to, I don't know. I just needed to go anywhere, anywhere but home. People weren't as forgiving as baa-chan when I failed to bring Sasuke back. They began tormenting me even more.
Just last night I came home only to see red graffiti screaming obscenities at me from my walls. Everything breakable was broken and I began to pick things up and I stepped on something. Hearing the crack I moved my foot and I saw a picture of Team 7. Or what was Team 7. I couldn't handle it and I left everything where it was. I still haven't been back yet.
I come upon the stone with the names of Shinobi who were killed in combat were carved. I look and I see hundreds of names carved on it. Once upon a time I declared that my name would be on that stone. And even now I still wish it were. It should have been carved on there, the day I failed to bring back Sasuke. I should have died, I do not know why Kakashi even bothered trying to save me. I know he didn't do it because he cared; he only did it because he had to, and it was his 'duty'. I narrow my eyes and scowl at the stone ledge, tensing as I sense energy coming up behind me.
Swiftly I grab my kunai and whirl around to face the one sneaking up on me. I don't even know why I did that, I'm just so tired. Tired of everything. I lower my weapon when I meet the eye of my silver-haired sensei.
"It's a bit late for you to be out, isn't it Naruto." He asks casually.
"…" I don't answer, I try to force out a smile, but I just can't muster up the energy, I'm just too tired. I still try to answer though.
"Aren't you up past your bedtime as well?" I retort flashing a big grin, squinting my eyes shut, so he can't see the false feelings underneath. He didn't answer, instead flipping open his orange book. I fight back a sigh. I remember when he came to me not to long ago. He was apologizing, I still don't understand why, though. I must be a bigger dobe then everyone thought. He was right to train Sasuke over me, I mean c'mon! I couldn't even keep my promise to Sakura, I can't even defend myself properly. Why should I be trained, when there are more qualified shinobi to be trained? I mean it! I don't even deserve to be a shinobi. All I do is bring pain and suffering wherever I go. I can't take it.
Kakashi glanced at me while I'm thinking and I quickly send him a grin, while still drowning inside. I finally know what I must do.
"I'm sorry sensei." I finally whisper. He looks up sharply.
"What for?" He asked calmly. I just flash a foxy grin and look back at the stone wall.
"For being a failure." I said simply. I turn back and look at him, my grin gone, and my eyes serious. "For not bringing Sasuke back. Please forgive me, I couldn't keep my promise." I see it, that look in his eye that makes my chest twinge again. The look Iruka often gives me, the look that tells me what binds him to me. Pity. I hate pity.
"Do not look at me like that, sensei." I stated before I could stop myself. Mentally I'm cursing as he looks at me curiously.
"Like what?" His eye is once again on his book, but I can tell he's listening intently.
"It's nothing, just my nerves I guess. I haven't been sleeping well lately…" I trail off, it's the truth, partially. Between the nightmares and tormentors I barely got two hours of sleep this week. Maybe that's why I feel so tired, so…empty. I look at him and smile.
"But don't worry! I'll bounce right back! Believe it!" I see his stance relax as I react the way he wants me to. The way I've been acting. I flash another smile and wave at him. "Sayanora sensei! I'm going to go home now!" He just nods as I walk away.
I make it to my apartment and I can see the door is partially open, again. I sigh as I open it and see the latest addition to the graffiti. Sighing, I just walk over to my room and once again step on the picture frame. My chest gives a painful tug as I bend down and pick up the picture. Suddenly I feel something slice my fingers and I drop the picture. I gaze in awe at the crimson liquid beading down my fingers. In disappointment I watch the wound heal. I felt something with that wound. I don't know how to describe it. It wasn't pain, but when the wound bled, I felt…relief. All the tightness in my chest… was gone.
Shaking my head, I bent back down and picked up the picture. Team Seven glared painfully back at me. My chest tightens slightly. I curl my knees under my chin as I sit on my bed, which, thankfully, was trash free, and wasn't completely destroyed. I gaze sadly at the picture. Sakura is smiling, while I'm seen grinning like an idiot like usual. Sasuke stood off to the side looking mopey as usual, and sensei stood behind us, his eye squinted shut in what I can only assume was a grin.
I can't help but wonder, if I had never joined Team 7 if things could've ended up differently. If someone stronger was there in my place, someone who could've brought Sasuke back, someone to be able to make Sakura smile, someone who wouldn't be a disappointment. I hug my legs tighter and place the picture down beside me. The tightening in my chest is so painful, it hurts! I can't stand it, it hurts so much. I can't remember a time I've ever felt this much pain. I feel moistness on my cheeks, and I lift my hand up to touch it. I look at my fingers, feeling nothing. Tears. What right do I have to cry? I deserve to suffer! I don't deserve to be here. The thought hits me so suddenly that I cringe back into my pitiful ball. Tears are still falling from my eyes, why won't they stop? Why won't this pain stop? Why, why, WHY?!
I deserve every ounce of pain I feel. I deserve this much suffering! I don't deserve to be here. The thought crosses my mind, and I feel a throb in my chest, as if in agreement. Yes, I don't belong here. If I were gone, things would be so much better. Kakashi and Iruka don't have to worry about watchin' out for me. I won't be a bother to Sakura, or a hindrance to the rest of the shinobi around. The village will be glad to be rid of the Kyuubi and its vessel. My hand clenches around the kunai in my pocket. In fact my death will benefit the village. I pull the kunai out and look at it. Blank eyes gaze emptily at me in the reflection of the blade. I hold out my wrist and place the kunai at the longest vein. I begin to slice and I wince in pain.
NO! I deserve this pain! I deserve to suffer! I DESERVE TO DIE!!! I MUST DIE!!! I slice even deeper into my wrist before Kyuubi has a chance to heal the deadly wound. Blood gushes around the kunai and drips to the floor. Tears are falling down my cheeks. Why do I cry? When I am the cause for most of the sorrows in the village, why do I feel sadness? Why do I feel a slight regret at what I am doing? I'm nothing but a failure! No one fails to forget it, nor do they let me forget it. I deserve this pain.
I dig deeper into my wrist, until I feel the bone. Tears fall unchecked. I lift the kunai, its slick with blood, blood that's running in torrents down my hand and onto the floor. I place the kunai into my bloody hand and hold it over my other wrist, and repeat the process. I don't hesitate this time. My body is slowing down, but the pain….the pain in my chest won't leave. Why won't it leave me be?! It hurts so much! It's all my fault Sasuke left the village, and I know it. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Everything is beginning to dull and I feel the sticky liquid from my veins gathering in a pool around me.
Distantly I hear someone banging on my door while shouting my name. I'm just so sleepy…I'm tired of all the pain, the suffering, I'm tired with being constantly betrayed and left behind. I'm tired of always letting people down. I'm just plain tired. Weakly my body falls to the side, the kunai clattering across the floor. The banging is getting louder. Is it from the door? Or is it my heartbeat? I don't know. The voice is frantic now, but I can barely keep my eyes open. I feel a wetness leaking down my face as I think of Rookie 9, Iruka, Kakashi-sensei, Tsunade and even Sasuke. I gaze at the picture of Team 7, lying next to me, yet to be touched by my tainted blood. Why do I feel such sorrow at the thought of dying? My vision is beginning to fade.
"Naruto? NARUTO!" The banging continues until the door busts open and I hear a gasp. I vaguely see two figures and one rushes over to me, trying to staunch the blood. Why are they even bothering? Can't they see this is for the better of the village? This is what I must do?
"Naruto! Don't you dare go to sleep, don't you dare leave!" I hear a frantic voice. I can make out brown eyes, eyes that I somehow knew were usually filled with warmth, that were now filled with frantic fear and unshed tears. "Naruto!" His voice shouts at me, and my eyes land on the other figure, that I recognize to be a man. He's the one trying to stop the blood flow. I weakly narrow my already squinted eyes.
"What are….you doing? …Stop." I weakly state hoarsely. The figure just applies more pressure, while the crying man forces me to look at him.
"Naruto why?" He demands stroking my cheek. I don't understand, why is he doing that?
"I…deserve it…I am…nothing but a…demon." I weakly reply, feeling that the man at least deserves an answer. My vision fades out completely for a minute and my breathing slows, causing the two men to momentarily panic.
"Naruto!" Shouts the brown-eyed man, Iruka, I vaguely realized. Huh, why is he here? The other man is still applying pressure and he's talking to Iruka, then he begins talking to me.
"Naruto, you have to stay awake, you have to fight." He states calmly, but I can clearly hear the stress and panic lacing his words. My eyes are drooping and I realize tears were falling down my cheeks the whole time. A hand stroked the tears and I give a weak smile, a real smile.
"Don't worry about me sensei, this is what the village wants. This is what everyone…deserves." The words took a lot of energy. My smile slips and my vision fades and I feel the lead weights in my eyelids, drag my eyes shut, but not before me seeing Iruka's panicked face.
"NARUTO!" My eyes shut, and I feel my breathing slow down, then nothing.
So what did you guys think? Think I should make this into a story? Or just leave it as is? All up to you who review hope you enjoyed! Have a happy holidays