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A/n this bunny is a result of "Memorandum," which is a bad fic written by Editor Frog. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend it for a good laugh. There is a line about Reid wanting to get away from it all and be one with nature. So... This is what Adele came up with. I hope it's as bad as I think it is.
It was easy for Reid to identify the moment it all went wrong. It was the moment he put in a request for a tiny leave of absence. Eighteen months of time away from teammates that wanted to seduce him, and un-subs that wanted to kidnap, torture, and try to kill him, had sounded like Heaven when he planned it.
He had hired a guide, named Steven, to take him into the Alaskan Wilderness. He'd bought all the winter gear he needed and had avoided all the advice given him from Garcia, and JJ about finding a nice Eskimo girl. He'd survived six months so far while flirting with death and frostbite. He'd managed to avoid the amorous advances of a lovesick polar bear. Then the piece de resistance, he got a fishhook stuck up his right nostril and had to endure Steven filing it in half with a very large metal file. He thought it was unfair that Steve should be as offended as he was by his language as the guide filed the hook. Honestly, you would think his guide had never encountered a drunken sailor or seen a Quentin Tarentino movie in his life.
Now the worst had happened! He'd once again awoken with a screaming headache, not knowing where he was. He wished that it had meant that he had had too much too drink and ended up in bed with some hot looking stranger. Alas, that was not to be. Instead, he was on his feet and tied to something with his hands behind his back. Great, more memories of getting tied up naked to the goal posts at high school. At least he didn't appear to be nude this time.
Stupid, Stupid, Stupid… You just had to be "at one with nature" way out in nowhere USA. Let's see you get out of this one!
He'd been awake for a while and was noticing that a group of very tall people seemed to be his captors. He tried to talk to them, but they ignored him and argued with each other in some strange language he'd never heard before. How was it that this particular tribe of people existed and no one knew about them? They hadn't appeared in his research of the natives he'd done before coming here.
They wore long robes that looked like fur with hoods over their heads and primitive shoes made from fur. They seemed to be immune to the cold for they weren't huddled around the large fire in the middle of the circle. The fire seemed to be for him. He shivered in the cold wind as the sun began to go down in pink, gold and purple in the northern sky.
The people around him seemed to be arguing over him. They were dropping fresh fish, fur and other trinkets on the ground in front of a figure that was sitting on the snow with legs in lotus fashion. The figure didn't speak but the others seemed to give deference to the face he couldn't see.
Perhaps this is the leader and if you talk to him or her, you might get somewhere.
This proved to be his least bright idea because the arguing and the gesturing in his direction only intensified when he tried to speak to them. More trinkets and fish were added to the pile. Thank God, no one was burning the fish hearts.
A fight broke out between several of what he thought might be guards. It wasn't just an argument, but a full-scale battle that made him think they'd just left the set of "Zena Warrior Princess." In fact, it looked like from the skin that was exposed to his view, that these warriors were women.
He should have been trying to escape, but in the waning light of the sunset, he was seeing more skin than he'd seen in six months in the wilderness. In fact, sticking around for this bartering session or whatever it was might not be such a bad idea.
Are you out of your mind? They're fighting over you and maybe you don't want to know why they want you. What if they want to barbecue you for dinner?
This got through the hormones that were racing through his blood. He would escape somehow and go home. Maybe Emily would be up for more experimenting when he got back. His hands moved against the ropes, which began to loosen as the women, fought each other. One had already been killed and a few were wounded. He got his gloved hands free and was struggling with his feet when the fighting stopped with a comment from the leader.
He stopped struggling to get his feet free when the area around him fell silent. The leader of the natives was standing in front of him with her hood pushed back. Her face was a perfect heart shape with the bone structure of a super model. Her hair was red - gold in the fire light and her eyes were as blue as the ocean after a storm. Her face was very tan. She was at least four inches taller than he was with a body only seen in erotic films.
She stood looking at him in the crackling light for a long time as his brain told him to run and his body shouted for him to stay put.
Then she spoke up in perfect Oxbridge English. "Right then, my tribe comes to this planet from an alternate universe."
As she spoke, she waved her hand and a door way appeared in thin air in front of him. He saw an extraordinary scene of an Eden-like garden inside the door. His mouth dropped open.
"How did you do that?"
"That's our world. We must return to your world every generation to find mates for the tribe as we have only females in our world. I am the Queen, Dr. Reid. I have chosen you as my King. You are the most obvious choice despite the objections of my sisters who want you for themselves."
He didn't hear the muttering or see the looks between the other exceptionally beautiful women before him. All he heard was the part of being King.
"You will come back to our world and I will bear your children. There is no hate, or greed or suffering on my world. With your addition to our tribe our mission to your world is complete."
No more torture, no more murder, or rape, or being used for his intelligence. It all sounded good to him. He didn't even consider that this might be too good to be true.
"Okay then," He said and allowed the woman to push him through the door.
The others followed with an unconscious Steven. The door sealed shut behind them with a pop. The only thing left to show he'd been there was a playing card half buried in the snow. It was the Queen of Hearts.