So, this is my first venture into the Artemis Fowl fandom. I hope you enjoy it. It takes place during TLC, while Artemis is in Limbo.
Summary: I am not Eoin Colfer. I do not aim to make any profit off of this story, and it is meant as a tribute to afore mentioned author that-I-am-not's work.
"How do you lose Artemis?"
That was the question Butler was trying to answer. It wasn't going so well. Artemis Senior was, understandably, extremely upset at the whole situation. Wouldn't you be upset if the bodyguard came back without your son?
Butler looked at his feet, wishing for the hundredth- no millionth- time that Artemis was here to come up with some kind of excuse. Butler's job was to do the whacking and the shooting, not the speaking.
Of course, if Artemis were here, they wouldn't need an excuse. Now Butler was faced with the task of coming up with a plausible way to explain Artemis going away with elf, demon, and company to a place where time didn't exist.
He'd already tried to make up some excuses on the drive to Fowl Manor.
Sir, your son was kidnapped…No, then the criminal underworld would be in chaos as Artemis senior searched for his only son.
Sir, your son ran away while I was in the bathroom. I tried to go after him but my pants tripped me…No, Artemis was so put-together and mature. He wouldn't run away- he had no reason to- and he wouldn't hurt his parents like that. Also, running away could be uncomfortable, and Artemis didn't like discomfort.
Not to mention Butler couldn't see himself tripping over pants.
Sir, your son was whisked away to Limbo while attempting to diffuse a bomb a deluded criminal strapped onto his demon friend. Don't worry, the two demons are powerful warlocks and the elf is one tough chick.
Drat, that was the truth.
Now, confronted with one angry father, Butler's mind refused to function. And he used the truth instead of an excuse.
"When did Arty meet these elves and demons?" Artemis senior's voice seemed a mix of disbelief, scorn, and something like hope.
"When you were still being held by the Mafia. Artemis kidnapped the elf he's with now. Oh, did I mention she played an active part in your rescue?"
And so the secrecy of the past years, of Artemis's secret life, poured out of Butler.
Three years later, when his charge returned from Limbo with magical abilities and a new brown eye, Butler was still trying (and failing) to make up that good excuse.
At least now he had Artemis to help think up a good excuse- and hypnotize his parents if that was what was needed.