I've always enjoyed writing as a form of art and expression. With this story I have a different motivation... a little bit of self therapy. I've been going through a lot lately in my personal life, much of it stemming from my psoriasis (an auto immune disease mostly showed by plaques on the skin - putting it very very simply). I am doing something I have never done before with my writing and placing my serious struggles out there in hopes that it'll alleviate some of the emotional crap that it builds up. It has also made it one of the most difficult stories I have ever tried to write. For this reason, if it seems choppy/unbalanced/a bit out of the Stargate universe at times... please bare with me. Thank you!
Kylie never felt so idiotic before in her entire life. It was actually physically draining, feeling so utterly stupid. Lorne, one of the military men Kylie had recently been assigned to, was giving her a few pointers to improve her hand to hand combat. Having dabbled in boxing and been in more than a few street fights she was usually able to hold her own. Against non military, that is. Lorne being a very capable militant she had to put all her energy into focusing. Unfortunately for her, her energy and focus was too wrapped up in feeling like a total moron.
She was losing stamina and will quite quickly so Lorne, being the good guy that he is, cut her a break and called it a day before she could. As Lorne left the gym, Kylie trudged over to the punching bag hanging in the corner. Alone for what felt like the first time in a month she tried to block out her thoughts and focus on a proper form as she laid punch after punch. Try as she might she couldn't stop the rush that broke through her mind. The more she lost control of her thoughts the harder her punches became, form be damned, and the louder the echo and shake of the bag.
BAM the bag echoed a blast of bitterness through the gym.
BAM echoed a hollow hit from self pity.
BAM the bag swallowed the heavy thud of anger.
A loud SMACK and rage finished her off as she round house kicked the bag, the chain rattling as it bent and twisted.
Breathing heavy, eyes screwed shut, head resting against it's roughly taped exterior, Kylie held onto the bag as if it were the only thing in the world holding her up.
"I thought you spiritual types were supposed to be all peaceful." Ronon's voice cut the silence making Kylie jump and let out a curt yell. "Sorry." He smirked when she threw a hand over her heart and laughed.
"You scared the shit out of me! Damn, Ronon.. How long were you there?"
He shrugged. "Lorne."
"I'm human. Being a spiritual counselor doesn't mean I'm perfect, it means I have insight."
"What exactly do you have insight on? You've been here a month, nobody really knows why you're here. You aren't exactly an asset in a fight. What do you do here?"
"Fuck off, Ronon." Kylie snapped, and it was obvious from Ronon's expression that he thought she wasn't one to speak up. Not that he'd ever bothered to find out before. "I grew up in a comfortable way. Never starved, never went without a roof over my head, never had to fight for my life because I've never met a single person that actually wanted to kill me. In fact, nobody even noticed me. If you approached me with actual interest instead of waiting a month trying to decipher my threat level before giving up and giving me the third degree, I would have gladly told you why I do what I do." She stared him down until he shrugged and turned to leave without a word. She sighed and shut her eyes, not really knowing why she was saying what came next.
"But why I'm here… I was told that they opened a position for a non denominational spiritual counselor out of necessity. They said there were so many personnel of different faith and so many coming from other worlds that having one would help people settle in better. Not everyone responds to psychiatric counseling. I was told I specifically was being given the opportunity because I'm a family friend of a family friend of Colonel O'Neill and we'd met on several occasions." She started laughing depreciatively through her words. "Turns out it was all bullshit. Apparently Jack nabbed some Ancient tech from Stargate command and he forgot to put it away before we had all gone over for a barbeque. And apparently this thing responded to my touch, meaning I got the oh so popular Ancient gene. And, also, since the inoculation only works about 47% of the time they're trying to collect as many of us in Atlantis in case shit hits the fan and we need to power all of the big guns." Kylie turned and looked Ronon in the eye with a weary disappointed stare. "I was a fool, Ronon. I bought everything they told me, no question. I thought I had a place here but most of these people haven't even acknowledged my existence. Weir assigns people to see me time to time but they don't actually pay attention to me. People here are either military and think I'm a joke or they're scientists and think science begins and ends with equations. My only place here is to be Plan B… Not even plan B! I'm Plan C! I'm… I… Well, you wanted to know and you got an earful. At least now you know I'm just a fool and not a threat, if that answers your question at all." Kylie looked down at her hands and gingerly dabbed at the torn flesh with a damp cloth. She refused to look at Ronon through the heavy silence as he seemed to consider her words.
"Wrap your hands next time." Was all he said before walking out the door, leaving Kylie to clean her ragged looking knuckles.
The following week seemed to get better in leaps and bounds. Kylie was entirely certain she should be thankful to Ronon for it. It seemed his endorsement (or in some cases, his insistence) was thought of rather highly. Whereas before Weir would occasionally say hello, debrief her on a situation, or assign a member of the staff to her counsel, this last week changed it all. They had a lunch or two together, she was asked her opinion on personnel issues inside Atlantis, and Weir even encouraged her to host her own yoga classes in the gym (though only a hesitant few showed up).
It wasn't until well into her second month that she found her stride in Atlantis. It was then Kylie realized no matter how out of place she still felt she could never just pick up and leave.
It was late in the evening and what was left of an off world team had come back ahead of schedule. Out of the six that had left only two came back, gasping for breath and clawing at their throats, their eyes blood shot, purple veins creeping across their faces. They were put into quarantine immediately and given the diagnosis of severe poisoning from some air born toxin. It seemed the planet released it from the plants as soon as a storm began to rage. The four others that had been running behind them choked before they could make it to the stargate.
"It seems the toxin is fast acting. The others aspirated due to the sudden lack of oxygen in the atmosphere. If you had been any further from the gate you would have, as well. Unfortunately…" Beckett sighed and offered a sympathetic look. "The toxins damage is irreversible. I don't know how much time is left but… it isn't long. I'll give you a moment to yourselves."
It didn't take long for one of the men to ask for Kylie to be brought to the infirmary. She quickly steeled herself, hiding how petrified she was about not knowing what to say.
"I'm.. I've never… I don't hold much stock in religion. I've never thought too much about death, just accepted it's part of the job. But now it's here…" Wilson, a recent transfer from Earth of twenty-three years old, coughed as his vision blurred with unshed tears. "I'm scared."
"I'm here." Kylie gently took his hand in hers. "I'll let you in on a secret, Wilson. I prefer my spiritual with a heavy dose of science. You're a botanist, aren't you? A scientist?" Wilson nodded weakly and she smiled as she continued. "Plants aren't the only beings connected to one another by electrical impulses. Your body is run through electrical impulse, everything that makes you who you are is firing around in that head of yours. That kind of electricity doesn't disappear because the circuit quits. Just like those plants, your power will stretch everywhere around you. How else do you think the Ancients worked through ascension?" Wilson's eyes went wide and his lips twitched into an almost smile. "They trained themselves to control that final expansion of that electrical impulse."
Wilson gripped her hand as tight as he could, Kylie forcing a calm smile as she felt the strength leaving his hand. Coughs became more frequent.
"You don't have to be scared, Wilson. Just like any other power there will be warmth and light." Wilson struggled to keep his eyes open as they grew heavy. "It's okay to sleep now, love. You'll have so much to discover. With that brilliant mind of yours…" Wilson's hand fell limp in her grasp. "You'll go so far.."
Kylie left a kiss on his hand and turned to get Bennett when a barrage of coughs came from a few beds over. Geoffrey lay in his bed, his aged face looking haggard and fierce.
"Lady, I have been serving for over half my life and that was one of the most bullshit things I have ever heard."
"Wilson is… was an academic. He needed a way to relate to his passing."
"So you spewed a bunch of crap to make him feel better. Or do you actually believe all that?"
"I believe every word of it. I also believe in your white pearly gates and loving embrace of Heaven. I believe it's all the same place, we just all have our own interpretations of how we get there and what it looks like."
Kylie noticed how Geoffrey's grip tightened on the small bible that lay beside him. She noticed how his eyes hardened with every cough he forced back.
"May I sit with you, sir?" Without waiting for a response she sat on the empty stool beside his bed, careful not to touch him as she had Wilson but instead keep her stool as close as possible. The silence was broken only by Geoffrey's growing coughing fits.
"He… Wilson was a good man." He wheezed between words as his eyes began to droop.
"So are you, Geoffrey."
"Lucy Liu."
"Oooh, hot! Very nice." Kylie declared as she poured another round of drinks for the threesome sitting on a scarcely frequented balcony, basking in the warmth of the sunset.
It had been mere hours since Kylie had sat with the two men in the infirmary but the buzzing in her body put a much larger space between them than that. Not knowing what to do she had fetched Beckett to make the declaration of death official. The doctor left the nurses to clean and move the bodies. Kylie, still feeling like she should be doing more for the two men, stayed and helped the nurses with their duties. It didn't take long for Kylie to mention she could use some help with a twenty year old bottle of whiskey, of which they gladly offered their assistance.
"I don't know," slurred Jennifer. "Isn't she a bit bitchy?"
"Whaaaat?" Kylie and Brian had asked at once.
"She plays some bad ass ice queen type characters, sure." Continued Brian. "But she's really funny. And really hot. I stand by my choice, if I could have a guaranteed thing with anybody back on Earth it would be Lucy Liu."
"Carly." Jennifer said softly with a sad smile. "If I could guarantee anyone it would be Carly. She was the love of my life. But I guess I wasn't hers." Brian dropped forward and rested his head on her knee and a momentary silence fell. But Kylie wasn't ready for silence just yet.
"The Rock." She said boldly as if she had the perfect image in her mind as she said his name. "Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. Mhmm, damn." Jennifer belted out a laugh and Brian let a brilliant smile.
"Is that so." Jennifer said. "Oh, gee, I'm so shocked. Not like you have a type or anything."
"Couldn't have seen that one coming." Brian added.
"Couldn't have seen what coming?" The threesome turned toward the voice joining them from the doorway. Sheppard and Ronon walked up to them, Sheppard snatching Kylie's glass away from her and helping himself to a taste. "This yours? It's nice, smooth.. this with a bit of golf and I might have just made a new best friend. Sorry Ronon." He smiled at his friend. "So who couldn't have seen what?"
"Nothing, we were –"
Brian cut Kylie off. "We were talking about who we'd go for back on Earth if we could be with anybody at all."
"Easy. Marilyn Monroe."
"Kylie here chose The Rock." Sheppard smirked but bit back a laugh.
"I'd act like I'm shocked but I failed theatre in school."
"How do you fail theatre? That's like saying you fail at life. Are you a robot?" Kylie snorted with laughter, her eyes suddenly feeling very heavy as a yawn broke her features and her body swayed slightly through the warmth of the alcohol. She considered the two men before her for a moment before turning back to her new found friends. "There are a lot of beautiful men in this place. Beautiful people. Even Rodney would be sort of beautiful if he ever shut the hell up and grew a soul. Don't you think there are beautiful people in Atlantis?"
"Alright, enough excitement for today, young lady. We got a brief in the morning, lets get you to bed." Sheppard and Ronon's voices blended with the background as an exhausted Kylie let herself be silently led back to her room.