Batman crouched on the ledge of the town hall, watching the parade go by. With his dark suit and grim expression, he looked just like the gargoyles dotted around the city skyline. Below the unsuspecting citizens of Gotham made merry; pointing out the costumed performers, taking pictures and buying food from the many stalls set up alongside the route. Chestnuts, marshmallows, plum pudding and an assortment of meats filled the air with a sweet Christmas aroma. Small balloons floated above grinning children, while larger balloons depicting cultural icons bobbed down Main Street in the parade.
Scanning the floats, Batman could make out the GCPD, resplendent in blue, with a multi-faceted searchlight attached to the back, projecting multiple rotating Bat-signals into the crowd and onto the store facades, with dazzling colours. Just behind, the inflatable image of Soul Power, towers over the streets keeping a watchful eye out for pickpockets.
If only petty theft was the only threat to the peace. Alfred had intercepted reports of the Joker hijacking one of the parade floats. It was rounding the corner onto Main Street at that very moment. The unsettling part was that nobody had reported any trouble whatsoever. There wasn't the slightest sense of panic, nor a hint of screams.
Dawdling behind the drummers dressed as nutcrackers, the float was adorned with tinsel and confetti, with a giant laughing Santa waving to the crowd at the back. On the front, giant presents flanked a giant sack of coal, each with a hidden stash of presents within. The Joker stooped at the coal mound, scooping gifts into his arms and cackling wildly. He was dressed in a purple version of the Santa suit, with a fake white beard that only covered his chin, and a miniature wreath on his chest where the acid flower normally sat.
"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas kiddies!" Joker exclaimed to the crowds on either side. "Hows about we get this party going with a bang? Who wants a prezzie?"
"Me! I do! Me! Me!"
The kids all cheered, jumping on the spot with their hands in the air, as Joker flung gift after gift to the spectators. Each one was wrapped in purple paper and tied with a green ribbon. Somehow, Batman didn't expect them to contain hand-knitted sweaters. He needed a closer look.
Swooping down, the Batman caught a gift mid-air, and alighted gently on the float, within arm's reach of his long-time nemesis. The present wasn't ticking, at least, nor playing any kind of count-down music. But that along didn't rule out the possibility that it was dangerous.
"Hey, that was gonna be mine," yelled a young boy, pouting at his misfortune. His parents looked equally displeased.
Batman had bigger problems.
"You know, if you wanted some Christmas cheer, all you had to do was ask."
He pressed a button on the float and the whole rig trundled to a halt. Whispers rippled through the crowd, and people pointed out the Batman in hushed tones, nudging their friends and arguing about whether he was part of the parade or not. Most seemed to think he was just a guy pretending to be the Batman. They probably thought Joker was just a man in make-up, too.
"What are you up to Joker? What's in the box?"
"Why don't you open it and find out?"
The Joker's smile stretched from ear to ear, his casual posture unnerving. With one hand he stroked the long white beard on his chin, and with the other he twirled a large Christmas cracker. The design was green with two smiles on the side, fashioned after Joker's own revolting grin. Bright red lips and yellow teeth.
Hesitantly, Batman pulled the ribbon lose. He listened out for the click of a switch, a beep or snap – anything that could point the arming of a weapon. All around him, sounds competed for his attention: the simulated ring of sleigh bells, Christmas tunes from the speakers of floats ahead and behind, the drumming and cymbals of the nutcrackers juts in front, carol-singers just off the parade route in nearby Robinson Park. The cacophony was deafening.
"It's…vile."
Pulling off the last of the paper, Batman fully revealed a Jokerized elf, pointy ears sticking out beneath a green hat, black and white stockings and tiny little wooden clogs, and a green jacket with big white buttons, all completed with Joker's sharp nose and abominable blood-lipped grin.
Elsewhere in the crowd, children had already opened theirs, with mixed reactions. Some seemed pleased, if a little disturbed, with their elf. Other smaller children had begun to cry. Batman didn't blame them in the slightest.
Inspecting the toy, Batman couldn't see anything out of the ordinary about it, other than its repulsive visage. There were no inner working, no smuggled goods in the stuffing of the torso, no mind control chips in the hats as far as he could tell. Nothing to suggest that the Joker, or any other villain, could be using be using the figures as part of an evil scheme.
"What's your angle, Joker?"
"Why, PR of course. You see, there's plenty of Batmania merch out there. But people aren't used to this winning smile," Joker explained, flashing his less than pearly whites. "You and the Birdboy make your blunders and everyone forgives you, because you're a star! A celebrity. But my gags get panned before I even open my mouth."
He looked sad for a moment, his shoulders sagging. Batman noted the shocker on the palm of his right hand. As the Clown Prince talked, Batman scrutinized the float itself, looking for anything flammable, anything that could somehow cause panic or destruction, or leak Joker gas into the city. Nothing stood out.
"But now, everyone will laugh along with me! It's all in the public perception. The only difference between comedy and anarchy is Press coverage, as they say. And what could be better than giving out toys at Christmas. While the big bad Bat tries to spoil it for everyone."
"Hey!" Someone shouted. Batman couldn't tell if it was an organiser, a cop, or someone from the crowd. "You're holding up the parade!"
Joker scampered up on top of the coal sack and struck a tragic pose, arm folded across his forehead, melodramatic misery radiating even from his frozen smile.
"I'm sorry children. I wanted to share a little Christmas Spirit," Joker sighed. "But the Batman doesn't want you to be jolly this year! Look at the grim-faced Grinch, the scowling Scrooge. Just because he's brooding over the holidays, he wants you to be unhappy, too."
There were angry shouts from the crowd, kids booing and hissing as if they were at the pantomime. And Batman was the villain! Did they still think this was part of the show? Or had Joker really turned them against him?
"That's enough, Joker. It's time you went back to Arkham. I'm sure the guards will be happy to have you back over the holidays."
"Look at him," Joker continued, climbing atop the coal pile. "Clad in black. Black like coal! Black like his shrivelled heart, three sizes too small."
The booing from the crowd intensified. Snowballs began to whizz overhead as the crowd started heckling him, demanding that he leave and let the parade continue. Running out of patience, the Dark Knight stepped forward to grab the Joker and subdue him quickly, but the clown caught him by surprise.
Even as he moved, the Joker kicked at the pile of coal, sending large rocks sailing towards his head, and dust that would have stung at his eyes. Batman took cover beneath his cape, just in the nick of time, but when he lowered it again, the comedy crook was upon him.
"Wanna pull a cracker with me, Bats?"
The Christmas cracker he'd been swinging clearly concealed a bludgeon of some kind, and now the Joker took the opportunity to swing with all his might right at the Caped Crusader's jaw. The impact shook his skeleton, swinging the Bat around on the spot as his bones jangled.
"Now where's Santa's little helper?" Joker asked, as a second figure jumped out of hiding.
"Right here, Christmas Puddin'," Harley yelled, swinging a giant candy cane in place of her mallet.
Batman was propelled off the float and crashed to the floor with a grunt. The crowd gasped, perhaps just now coming to the realization that this wasn't a part of the show. Disorientated, Batman struggled to his feet as the spectators watched in horror.
"Full steam ahead, Harley!"
"Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now Prancer and Vixen!"
The float started forward, and before long the gargantuan machine was steamrollering over the Batman's cape, making it impossible for him to get away. Still dizzy, Batman struggled to detach the cowl from the cape.
"On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen!"
"You'll have more than just a red nose after this, Bat-breath! Hahaha."
Just in time, Batman snagged free and dived under the ropes to freedom. By the time he'd looked up again, Joker and Harley had already made their escape, and now the runaway float was headed forward and full-speed, threatening to crush the nutcracker drummers, and ruin the parade once and for all.
With no time to recover, Batman launched back into action, firing his grapnel gun to quickly propel himself back onto the float and switch off the engine, before anyone else had to dive out of the way. On the sack of coals, Joker had left a note.
Two lumps of coal for you, Bat-brains. Who said you could rain on my parade? But no matter. I'll be back in the New Year, with all-new material. And this time, I'm taking the show on the road. Haha! Merry Christmas. Kisses!