My favorite moments are when everything goes mute and people speed past us at a million miles an hour. Sometimes I find myself counting the freckles on her face, or the little lines on her hand. Its the smallest details that really make me wonder; a little quirk in a smile, the beauty mark below her ear, or the sweet scent that follows everywhere she goes. Time stops with each smile and the world ignites with every touch. I consider myself blessed. Even her laughter can take my breath away, but does she know this? I'm so close, yet I'm forced to watch from a distance. I look in the mirror and wish I had been born differently, that the 50% chance landed on the other side of the coin.
My dreams are the safest place for me, a world where I can scream out the truth without fear. When awake I feel like a lie, an obvious and horrible lie. The bedroom we share is suffocating the truth. She must feel safe, lying next to me at night. How I wish I were a man, and above all, a man she could love.
"Hey, you awake?" There's that sweet smile again.
"Barely, why are we up at 3 in the morning?" I rub my eyes, forcing my dreams away.
"I couldn't wait anymore." A skipped heart beat and questioning glance from me. Another smile and another skipped beat. She takes a box from behind her and holds it up to my face. "Happy birthday!" I take the box.
"You didn't have to get me anything, you know."
"Oh shut up and open your damn gift." Her laughter rings carelessly into the room; I forget to breathe again. I open the box and find a silver band. She got the wrong size, it only fits my thumb and laughter breaks out again. She takes my hand, a matching silver band on her ring finger. "So we never forget, okay?"
There's a long hug and eventually the room is dark again. She definitely feels safe with me. Is it really so wrong to love her? I watch as she slips into sleep, admiring how peaceful she is by my side. My heart begins to pound loudly and I feel myself leaning in. Its not wrong to steal a kiss, is it? Our lips touch and my heart flutters for a moment that feels like hours. Tears fall from my eyes as I whisper to her.
"I wish you knew."
I'm out of bed last in the morning, waking up to the smell of pancakes and the sound of bacon cooking. With a yawn and 'good morning, I am given another smile. I sit at the table, unable to stop thinking you're all I want in this world.
"Did you hear? Tommy proposed to Susie." She flips a pancake and looks up dreamily. "Have you ever thought about getting married?" My heart feels heavy.
"I don't see myself settling down like that." She looks concerned and I feel worse.
"Why not?" She forgot about the bacon. I look down at the floor, if only you knew.
"I have no luck with love, you know that." No luck at all.
"There's plenty of fish in the sea, you know." All I want is what I can't have. She smiles to comfort me, but she knows its not always that easy.
"What happened to Matthew?" The bacon has been forgotten again. She looks sad.
"Left without saying a word." She stabs the bacon with a fork, no doubt imagining it had been his head.
"Couldn't give what he wanted fast enough?" There's a wince and another sad look.
"It always turns out like that, huh?" She piles food onto plates and settles herself in a chair across from me. I try to smile and comfort her, but I know it's no use. We eat silently for a very long three minutes. "You think I should give up?" I nearly choke on the burnt bacon.
"What?"
"Oh come on, it wouldn't be so bad." A smile with bright eyes, "we could live together until we grow into two batty old ladies." We both laugh. Even if this is a joke, it makes me happy.
After breakfast, she leaves for work. I fall back onto the bed and take her pillow, it smells like flowers. A couple hours pass before I decide to get up and go into the art room. I rummage through all the finished commissions and pull out a large, unfinished painting. After mounting it up on the easel, the ear buds go in and I drown out the world.
Her eyes were blue today. Blue was added to the picture.
She's gotten a bit of a tan. I blend in bits of brown and white.
Billy Idol pops up on my playlist. The brushes are down and I dance out into the living room. My socks slide across the wood floors, and I remember when she would dance with me this way. I break out the air guitar and the song comes to an end. I disconnect myself from the music just before the door opens. My eyes dart from the open paint studio door and back to her. I slide over, nearly knocking her off her feet.
"How was the shoot?" She smiled and two 'thumbs-up' fly into the air before turning her head. She's looking into the art room.
"You painted today?" An excited laugh escapes her as she runs into the room. I'm unable to stop her.
"It...It's just a little project I finished today..." There's silence and I walk over. She stares and sees what I've been wanting to say. She looks at me and I see that she knows now. I open my mouth, but what words can explain this? My knees wobble and I run. Running down the sidewalk, past the store, and into the streets. It wasn't long before I stopped, panting and crying.
Its over. No more burnt bacon, and no more dancing. The tears never stopped and the sobbing got worse. Phone rings. It rings again. When it stops, I look through my contacts and call her sister.
"Hello?"
"I need a place to be tonight, Susie" Sniffle.
"Are you crying?"
"A little." That was a lie, and she was silent for a moment.
"Where are you?"
The car smelled like cheap lemon air fresheners and Susie couldn't come up with anything to say.
"I need a place just for tonight." There was more silence, something felt off. I look over, and Susie is upset.
"She found out, didn't she?" My heart began to beat loudly.
"Yeah." The phone rings and my hand begins to shake. I open the phone and put it to my ear.
"...Hello?"
"Where the hell are you?"
"At Susie's." There's a sigh.
"We need to talk." I didn't say anything, how could I? The phone clicks and the call ends. The tears come again as Susie parks the car in the driveway. Susie speaks, but I don't hear. A hand rests on my shoulder for a moment, then it goes away. I get out of the car, looking down at the ground.
"Lily, wait!" A car door slams behind me. She followed me?
"Cassie?" She runs to me and wraps her arms around me. Before I can say anything, she kisses me. She takes my hand, looking at our silver bands then at me.
"You weren't the only one."
My favorite moments are when we dance and slide in our socks across the floor. There are 23 freckles on her face and the house is filled with laughter. The bacon is still burnt and the art room is always open. I consider myself blessed. When I look in the mirror, I see a woman who was born the way she was meant to be. I'm proud to be the woman Cassie loves.