Please note that this story was created with the intention of parodying Vaughn fanfictions in general, not one in particular. Any similarities to other fanfictions are either entirely coincidential, or a recurring cliché I noticed in many fanfictions.
"Hello? Are you okay?"
...
"Nat, check if she's still breathing"
...
"Yeah, I think she is. I'd better go get mom."
Those were the first words I heard when I first awoke. Before I met the tall, mysterious, good-looking- oops, I'm getting carried away. I should start from the beginning.
My eyes opened, and I was greeted by a horrific sight. a family of pink-haired people stood gathered around me as if I were some kind of zoo animal. I screamed and hid my beautiful stormy blue ocular objects from their ugly, glaring faces. Did I mention how everyone on this island who isn't my darling Vaughnie-pie is a hideously deformed monstrosity with the personality of drying paint?
"Wh-where am I?" I wailed helplessly, tears welling up in my deep sapphire viewing orbs.
"It's okay. We found you passed out on the beach and soaking wet, so we brought you in to dry off." Explained the middle-aged pink-haired lady, who appeared to be the mother of the younger two.
"I-I just want to go h-home and see my parents..." I sobbed, but then I remembered that my parents had died in a car crash on a boat 19 years ago, just before I was born. I began crying loudly, small droplets of moisture rolling down my soft, pale cheeks.
"Please don't be upset, dear." The older woman patted my back soothingly.
"Yeah, mom's right. You're gonna be just fine. By the way, I'm Natalie, or Nat for short. This is my brother Elliot, and mom's name is Felicia." Said the short-haired girl who looked about my age.
Suddenly, a scrawny old man with a face like a turnip barged past the pink-haired freaks and eyed me up threateningly. I was genuinely convinced that his beady eyes were going to burn through me like lasers. After a few seconds of uncomfortable staring, his ancient saggy face formed an expression that somewhat resembled a smile.
"HEY KID! DO YOU WANNA OWN YOUR VERY OWN RANCH?" He screeched excitedly, simultaneously causing the nerdy-looking pink-haired boy to yelp in fear and leap almost a meter into the air.
"N-no... not rea-"
"GREAT! You see, there's an abandoned farm up on Ranch Island. The girl who used to live there kicked the bucket a couple months ago, so this is the perfect opportunity for you to move in! Let's go there right now!"
And so, I was unwillingly dragged to the derelict ranch that would soon become my new home. I really wasn't too keen on living in a house that someone had recently died in, and I'm not the kind of girl who enjoys doing dirty work. The elderly man (or 'Taro' as I later learned was his name) insisted on showing me how all the tools worked and teaching me all the basics of crop-growing,
but I kindly declined and asked if there were any alternatives to crop-growing.
"Well, you could always raise livestock. The barn was demolished decades ago though, so you'd have to start with something small like chickens. You'd best go see Mirabelle if you're interested in animals. Her shop is the big building with the orange roof on Verdure Island. You can't miss it!" He pointed to a large wooden structure on the neighbouring island. I nodded, and headed across the bridge to the place where I, unknowingly, would soon meet the one true love of my life.
When I opened the creaky saloon door, I was greeted by a smiley older woman, and a slutty blonde girl who wore a shirt that showed way too much cleavage and looked like a bitch. In the corner stood a tall, silent figure dressed in a leather cowboy outfit. Without a word, I drifted past the two cheerful ladies and stopped before the cold, mysterious stranger. As he looked up, his gorgeous sparkling amethyst vision spheres locked onto mine, and we remained gazing into each other's souls for what seemed like an eternity.
"Hey... m-my name is... Chelsea. Wh-what's yours?" I stuttered bashfully as I felt my cheeks flushing a deep shade of scarlet.
"The name's Vaughn." He stated coldly.
Vaughn. Such a wonderful name... the very thought of it makes my heart flutter. I had finally met my true love, and I suddenly didn't care about living on a filthy farm on an uncharted island full of hideous creeps and annoying bitches and no Wi-Fi. I'll stay here forever if it means I can be with my darling beloved Vau-
"NOOOO! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!" A loud raspy voice shook the walls of the shop, and fizzing lightning bolts began exploding from the entrance, causing a strange purple smoke to fill the room. Mirabelle and her slutty daughter ducked behind the counter, while Vaughn and I huddled together in dread. A wild-looking woman dressed in purple rags materialised where the
lightning had been. She had unkempt blond hair and glaring red eyes, which immediately began drilling into my soul. She approached slowly, not once turning her deadly gaze away from me.
"You had one chance, Chelsea. ONE CHANCE, to create a UNIQUE, INTERESTING life for yourself on this island. But nooooo, nobody ever thinks of the poor Witch Princess who is forced watch the same BORING Mary-Sue move into the same BORING ranch and fall in love with the same BORING emo cowboy over and over and OVER AGAIN!" She shrieked deafeningly.
Then, an icy smile crept across her face. The kind of smile a tiger makes before pouncing on its prey and tearing it apart limb from limb.
"A-are you going to... k-k-kill me? I stuttered, my heart beating a million times a second. The witch let out a burst of shrill cackles and lowered her voice to a poisonous whisper.
"No. That would be too easy, and it's exactly what I did to every other girl I dragged to this island who did as you have done. I will spare your life, but at a cost: you must have a successful date with each of the six other young men who live on these islands, excluding Vaughn. If you can complete this task, I will give up my powers to the Harvest Goddess so she will finally break this wretched curse she placed upon me centuries ago."
"B-but what about Vaughn?" I whimpered.
"Vaughn can get fucked for all I care." She muttered to herself. Vaughn grabbed her wrist and glared at her in furious disbelief.
"What did ya'll just say to me?" He spat, tightening his grip on her arm.
"I said... VAUGHN CAN GET FUCKED FOR ALL I CARE!" She yelled, and with a wave of her hand, Vaughn disappeared in a puff of smoke like a corny magician's act.
Except it wasn't a magician's act. This is a real life witch, and she has just erased the love of my life from existence. Even worse, she's going to do the same to me if I don't go out with six other guys who live on the islands. I haven't met any of them yet, but I can already tell I'll hate them all.
They'll never replace Vaughn.
My darling beloved one-in-a-million tall mysterious good-looking-
"I CAN SEE YOU WRITING ABOUT THAT FILTHY HILLBILLY AGAIN!"
Ugh, I forgot, the witch can see everything I'm doing. I can't even have my privacy any more.
She's setting me up on my first date tomorrow with some guy named 'Denny'. Even if he turns out to be okay, I'll never be able to take him seriously because of his name. Who the hell names their child after a fast food restaurant chain?
Author's note: I've wanted to do this for quite a while now. If it isn't clear already, I'm not the biggest fan of Vaughn. I don't 'hate' him like WP does in this story, I'm just not all that fond of the 'cold, edgy mysterious' type. If I decide to continue the story, it'll probably turn into more of a parody about Mary-Sue OCs, and how a Vaughn fangirl would react if she were forced to date all the other IoH/SI bachelors instead of him.
-GoatMaster