Noah Mayer could feel his husband slipping away from him. Every day together the distance became noticeably worse.
Luke was always so distracted. He avoided looking Noah in the eyes and these days he barely spoke a word; as though afraid to say the wrong thing.
Luke was the first one to dismiss the doctors' claims, saying they were ridiculous and that he felt perfectly healthy. Even after a second and a third opinion from the best specialists Lucinda could fly in, Luke still refused to believe it.
Schizophrenia.
…
"What does it mean exactly?" Noah remembered asking, ice cold fear gripping him as they sat side by side at Bob's desk; hands clinging in a tight interlace. "I mean for us?" He pointed between himself and Luke, "Can you spell it out for us?"
Bob sat back in his chair, pressing his fingers together but maintaining eye contact with Luke, "In most people the symptoms develop quite slowly; the first signs being the social withdrawal, the sleep problems and the forgetfulness you've been experiencing lately Luke. Eventually most experience lack of function."
Noah could hear every one of Luke's exhalations shudder; feel Luke's body tense and shiver. Noah knew whatever he was feeling it was doubly worse for Luke.
"What does that mean?" Luke asked fearfully.
"It means you'll slowly shut off from the world, became emotionless; apathetic. At least until…"
"Until what?" Noah asked.
Bob leaned forward, "It's not uncommon for patients to suffer hallucinations or delusions."
"This is totally insane!" Luke yelled, jumping to his feet. "You're all wrong! You have to be! I'm fine! I'm talking to you now and I understand what you're saying. I'm not sick!"
"Luke," the experienced doctor replied with total calm, obviously used to these outbursts from patients, "believe me when I say I wish I had a better diagnosis for you. I am truly sorry."
Noah stared down at his hands, rubbing the side of one with his shaky thumb, "So, um, what do we do now? How do we treat it?"
Luke glared down at his husband, "Noah! I don't need treatment! Why won't anybody listen to me? I'm fine!"
…
But of course he wasn't and as the weeks past and the symptoms intensified Luke had to face the facts for himself.
"Will I forget Noah?" Luke asked quietly at what would end up being his final consultation before he was hospitalised.
Noah's breath hitched. It was a question he'd had on his mind all that week. He should have known Luke would wonder as well.
"It's highly likely, yes." Bob nodded.
Luke sobbed, bringing a hand up to his mouth and shaking his head.
"Some family members have been known to experience brief moments when their loved ones seem to come out of the mental swarm they find themselves in. I know that it's of little comfort, but it's at least something to hope for."
Noah felt Luke tighten his hold on their hands.
"There's something else I've been meaning to discuss with you," Bob continued, "now that things seem to have advanced as far as they have."
"Forget it." Noah said through his teeth, already sure he knew what Bob would say.
"What?" Luke asked.
"Now, Noah," Bob said gently, "I realise how difficult this decision is, but caring for somebody with schizophrenia at home is extremely difficult."
Luke sat back in his chair at the realisation of what they were discussing.
"I don't care." Noah said with determination, "Luke belongs with me."
"Noah, you work and, yes, you can hire home help, but…" he looked kindly from Luke to Noah, "Take it from me, Luke, there is a high possibility that you will become a danger not only to yourself but to the people around you. You will be better off in a safe environment that can give you twenty-four hour care. I'll be happy to recommend…"
"I said forget it!" Noah yelled, "I don't give a shit what you say! Luke's staying home with me! And that's that!"
He looked over at his husband and the brown eyes were watching him sadly.
"Luke?"
"I don't want to hurt you."
"What? Luke you would never hurt me! I know that!"
…
But he did.
Only two days later, eyes blazing and nostril's flaring like a dragon, Luke threw a kitchen knife at Noah, grazing his cheek. He cried for hours later when he realised what he'd done, sobbing for forgiveness in Noah's embrace and resolutely determined to check into the recommended care facility.
And this was where Noah visited every evening after work.
"Morning Noah, "Nurse Cheryl greeted him from the reception desk, "He's in the dayroom."
Noah smiled, "Thank you. How is he?"
She tipped her head in sympathy, "Prepare yourself."
Worried about this Noah followed the ornately decorated corridor of the private medical facility Luke's grandmother, Lucinda, was funding for them. Anyone would have thought it was a fancy hotel rather than a hospital, but Noah was glad for this. If Luke had to be admitted at least he would be comfortable.
His eyes found Luke right away, seated by a window that looked out over manicured gardens but staring blankly at the wall ahead; looking paler than the night before.
Luke ignored Noah; didn't seem to realise he was there at all.
"Hi, baby." Noah said softly, squatting beside Luke's chair.
He moved to hold Luke's hand but Luke pulled it roughly away. Noah swallowed the lump and tried not to let the gesture hurt him. It wasn't Luke. His Luke was slipping away from the world, just as the doctors' said he would.
"There has to be something I can do!" Noah whispered softly, biting back pointless tears and taking the seat opposite Luke, watching him for signs of recognition. "Come on Luke? Where are you?"
…
Noah remembered the last time they made love, a week before Luke was admitted to the hospital. They didn't know it would be last, but the mood was sombre afterward and they held onto each other tighter than usual.
"I want you to see other people." Luke said out of the blue.
Noah tensed, "What?"
"I don't want you to be left alone, Noah. When I'm… when you know I'm not there anymore… I want you to move on."
Noah rolled so that they were facing each other on the bed, "Now you listen to me… I am married to you! I love you!" Noah flicked Luke's stray fringe from his brown eyes, "And nothing will ever change that… not even this! I will hold you forever! I will be with you now, tomorrow and for the rest of my life!"
Luke's eyes filled, "I'm so sorry bubby…"
Noah squeezed Luke's shoulder and nodded, "I'm sorry too."
"I'm scared. I don't want to get lost."
Noah kissed him, "I'll find you, okay? I'll find a way in. I promise"
…
Noah walked into Luke's bedroom at the centre. Luke was seated at the table and turned to look perplexedly at Noah when he stepped through the doorway. He surveyed Noah for a moment and then turned his head back to face the wall.
"It's ending…" he whispered slowly, the only thing Noah ever heard from Luke these days.
"Not if I have anything to say about it." He replied walking up to Luke and placing his iPhone on the table.
Luke looked up and Noah managed to catch his eyes for a moment. As was usual lately no emotion past over Luke's face. He was unfazed by Noah's presence.
Taking a deep breath and praying he'd be able to keep his promise; that his plan would work; Noah gently took Luke's hand in his, "Dance with me?"
He didn't wait for Luke to respond. He pulled Luke lightly and to his surprise and delight Luke stood up.
Very carefully so as not to break the spell or spook the moment, Noah put one of Luke's hands on his shoulder and placed his own hand on the small of Luke's back. He leaned over and pressed play on the iPhone.
As the music erupted from the small device Luke's eyes widened and his eyebrows lifted in surprise.
Noah drew a breath. A response!
Noah sang lightly along with Cyndi Lauper, "You with the sad eyes. Don't be discouraged, oh I realise."
Luke cocked his head toward the sound and Noah's heart leapt at the sudden show of emotion.
"It's hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all"
Luke looked over at the iPhone and then up at Noah, studying him with more intent than Noah had seen in weeks.
Slowly, heart beating fast, Noah began to sway in time to the music, "And the darkness inside you, can make you feel so small."
Luke's hand lifted; finger pausing inches from Noah's lips which moved as Noah sang.
"But I see your true colours shining through." Noah's voice cracked with emotion as Luke's finger traced lightly over his bottom lip. The tears began to fall and it became more difficult to sing, but Noah powered on, "I see your… true colours… And… why I love you…"
Faintly, at first so small Noah thought he was imagining it; the corners of Luke's mouth began to rise until finally he smiled. It wasn't his full sunshine smile but to Noah it was the most beautiful smile he'd ever had from the man.
Noah saw a peak of Luke as the brown orbs cleared and his Luke began to break through. And Noah knew the moment when he found Luke, because the blonde began to sway with Noah.
Luke's smile grew bigger and bigger and Noah sobbed into Luke's neck; utterly relieved.
He pulled back and cupped both of Luke's cheeks, still dancing softly around the room, "There you are…"
"You found me." He replied before pressing his cheek into Noah's chest as they moved.
By the time the song finished Noah was a blubbering mess but he was beaming from ear to ear now that he had found a way to reach Luke.
When they pulled apart Luke placed a kiss on Noah's lips.
"Thank you." He whispered before once again taking his seat by the window.