Hello! This is my first Redwall parody based off cooking! And its with Cluny the Scourge! I thought this would be hilarious so I decided to give it a shot. Please read and review this! ALSO, EXTREMELY IMPORTANT! THE BJ MEMORIAL COMPETITION IS BEING SET UP AND THE WORLD OF FANFICTION MUST KNOW! GO TO THE FORUM AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS STORY FOR MORE INFO.

In a large room with a stage modified to be a kitchen, with a table/stove thingy in the middle, beasts of all sizes and shapes were there sitting in rows of seats. Woodlanders and vermin were there in the audience, regardless if they had died in the books. The hero's and villain were throwing insults at each other and making faces, the maids busy scolding random vermin horde members, and the random neutral characters just sat there waiting for the show to start.

Then the host of the show came out, his deadly tail twirling a spoon, sporting an eye patch. The large rat walked up to the table/stove and tapped the spoon on the table.

" Attention!" The beasts all stopped. " Thank you. Now I would like to start this show by-"

" Aren't you dead?" Veil Sixclaw piped up. Cluny looked at the ferret with a smile.

" Aren't you?" The ferret didn't respond, he was too busy sobbing into his adoptive mothers apron. The mouse maid stroked his head, and the ferret cried out loud,

" DADDY NEVER LOVED ME!" Swart Sixclaw rolled his eyes as the mouse maid glared at him angrily.

" Any who, me and my friend Cheesetheif," Cluny pointed at a rat who was shaking uncontrollably, fear plastered on his face. " Will now show you what will happen to you if you piss me off!"

The rats happy mood turned into hell as he roared and whipped out his scythe. He made a move to swing his weapon at the smaller rats head, the vermin cheering and urging him on, when a voice boomed from the intercoms.

" Whoa, Whoa, Whoa there! Don't go spilling any blood! I still need him!"

The rat sighed and sheathed his rapier. The vermin in the audience sighed as well. Cheesetheif fell on his back, unconscious. The warlord groaned and addressed the voice on the intercom.

" And that pain in my-"

" Watch the language now!" the voice interrupted.

" I mean annoying thing is my boss, who runs this entire show from his little room, is ferretWARLORD!" The vermin and woodlanders scratched their heads, looking confused.

" You have a weird name!" a unanimous beast yelled. There was silence from the intercom. Then the voice was back, a little annoyed.

" Yes, I guess I do, ha, ha…. Now how bout' we get on with the show?" Cluny nodded and continued his show.

" Now then, today I'm going to show you how to make…" The rat pulled a bowl out from under the counter. " Hot root soup!"

As soon as the word "hot" was spoken, skipper Warthorn was out of his seat and charging down to the stage, roaring madly with glee.

" YYYEEEESSSS! FREKIN HOT ROOT SOUP!"

Cluny screamed like a girl as the otter slammed into him, tearing the bowl from his grasp, sitting on the enraged warlord. The otter peered in the bowl and his ears drooped. skipper turned it upside down, shaking it. The otter looked down at the rat trapped beneath him, a tear rolling down his cheek.

" There's no soup…" The disappointed otter sobbed.

" That's because I haven't made it yet!" The rat shoved the otter off of himself, " Now will you please sit down and let me continue!"

The otter burst into tears and ran back to his crew, who started to pat him on the back and wipe his tears, trying to cheer him up. The rat moaned and picked up his bowl again.

In the control room where the entire show was run, a ferret with white fur and black foot paws sat in a large chair. His eyes, that were surrounded with black fur as well, looked pretty angry and frustrated. A weasel maid in a business suit came in through a back door, a phone in her paw.

" Mr. Warlord?"

" Yes?"

" Gulo the savage is at the front desk, asking if you'd let him in."

" NO! YOU TELL THE NO GOOD SAVAGE HE CAN'T COME IN!"

" But sir he brought his horde…"

" So? Don't I have a horde to?"

" Nope."

" Then get me a god damn horde this instant!"

" Yes sir!" The weasel maid ran off, calling to two squirrels. " Get on the internet this instant! We need to mail order some warriors!"

" And get me Rakkety Tam from the audience!" The ferret called after the maid.

I KNOW THIS ISN'T REALLY THE BEST COMEDY, BUT I'VE JUST BEEN DYING TO MAKE ONE. ANYWAYS, GIVE ME SOME GOOD REVIEWS PLEASE!

ALSO, DON'T FORGET TO VISIT THE FORUM:

ANNUAL BRIAN JACQUES MEMORIAL COMPETITION