A/N: Hello, all! I know Valentine's Day is not for another month, but this story came to my head and I figured it was close enough. This is a silly little story that is not intended to be taken seriously. No IR or Thunderbirds. I hope you all enjoy it. And as always, all mistakes are mine.
Disclaimer: Still don't own blah blah blah.
The Completely True Story of St. Valentine
Eight year old Alan Tracy grinned as he carried his brand new box of valentine cards in from the car. Today was February thirteenth and tomorrow, Alan's third grade class was throwing a Valentine's Day party. All of the kids would hand out valentines to each other while they snacked on baked goods made by—or bought by—their parents.
It was one of Alan's favorite days of the year, because the school lessons were cut short and most of the valentines brought in had various types of candy attached to them.
Alan ran into the kitchen and dropped the box on the table. He pulled out a chair, sat down, and began to tear the box open.
This year he had chosen Super Mario Brothers valentine cards. They had pictures of Mario from the video game with sayings like 'I'm walking on air for you, Valentine.' Alan did not care about the sayings; he was much more interested in the pictures. He would go through all of the cards and pick out the pictures that he liked the best. Those would be the cards he gave to his friends. All of his other classmates would get cards picked randomly from the stack.
Alan's father, Jeff Tracy, had a list of names of all of the students in Alan's class. Alan would have to write each of his classmate's names on a card and hand one out to everyone in his class so everyone will get a valentine and no one would be left out.
Once the box was open, Alan dumped the cards on the table. Pictures of Mario and his enemies fell all over the table. Alan began to gather the cards together while across the table, his brother Gordon was also putting together valentine cards for people. Gordon was thirteen and he did not go to the same school as Alan so he did not have to give valentines to everyone in his class.
Alan had heard that once you turned eleven you went to a different school where there were no Valentine's Day parties. That made Alan wonder why Gordon was making them if he was not going to a party.
"Alan, I have to get those cupcakes ready for tomorrow, can you start taking those cards apart and folding them?" his dad walked over to the table and placed his hands on Alan's shoulders. His dad usually helped him write the names on the cards, but Alan liked to take them all apart and fold them.
"Yeah," Alan nodded enthusiastically and started pulling the cards apart. The valentine cards came attached together. They had the dotted lines between each one that made it easier to get them apart. Once they were all separated each one needed to be folded and then held together with a sticker that came with the cards.
Alan did his best to get the cards apart, but he was unable to stop some of them from tearing. He was in the process of folding them when a thought came to his mind.
"Hey, Gordon?" Alan stopped his folding and looked up at his brother.
"Yeah?" Gordon didn't stop what he was doing or look up.
"Why do we give out valentine cards on Valentine's Day?"
"Because of St. Valentine."
"Who is St. Valentine?"
"St. Valentine was this fat baby with wings. He flew around with one of those bow and arrow things, and one time, while he was in jail, he shot his ear off and sent it to his girlfriend. That is why we send valentines to people."
Alan stared at his brother with wide eyes. He didn't know what to say. He didn't expect that answer. After a brief moment of shock, questions started formed in his mind. He wanted to know more about Valentine's Day and this flying baby. "Why don't people give ears now?"
Gordon looked at him like he had just asked the silliest question ever. "We would, but we only have two and Valentine Day happens every year. We would run out of them too fast."
Alan nodded at the response. It made sense. "How did he shoot his ear off?"
Gordon's usual smile returned. "You know in cartoons, when someone shoots an arrow down at the ground and it flies around the room?" Alan nodded. "It was just like that. He shot his arrow down and it flew around the room and when it finally stopped, St. Valentine found one of his ears on the floor next to the arrow."
Alan imagined all of this happening just like it would in a cartoon. "Why did he send it to his girlfriend?"
"What else was he going to do with it? He really liked his girlfriend," Alan's face scrunched up at that. "And girls like getting gifts."
"What did his girlfriend do with it?"
"She kept it with her. She carried it around with her everywhere until St. Valentine got out of jail."
"What did he do to end up in jail?" Alan's young mind could not stay on track for longer than one question.
"He robbed an arrow store."
Alan looked confused at this. "Why did he rob an arrow store? Didn't he already have arrows?"
"He used them all and he needed more."
"What did he use them for?"
"He used them to shoot things. Once he shot something it turned into a bunch of floating hearts."
"Even people?"
"No. Floating hearts came out of their heads if they were hit."
Alan did not like that. He could imagine people walking around with pink hearts coming out of their ears. Hearts were girly. Pink hearts were worse. "Did the hearts ever stop coming out?"
Gordon shook his head. "Once a person was hit the hearts would keep coming out. And if they had kids hearts would come out of their heads too. And their kid's kids would have hearts coming out of their heads."
Alan covered his ears with his hands. He didn't want hearts to come out of his head. "Does it still happen today?"
Gordon's smile left his face and he nodded. "It happens to some people. People who have relatives who were shot with one of St. Valentine's arrows still have hearts come out of their head, but it doesn't happen to everyone. It only happens to eight year olds and it starts on Valentine's Day."
Alan's eyes grew wide. He was eight. Tomorrow was Valentine's Day. What if he had relatives who had been shot with one of those arrows? He could have hearts coming out of his ears tomorrow. He didn't want hearts to come out of his ears. Alan was worried, so he did what he always did when he was worried. "Dad!"
Gordon quickly stood up as Jeff walked over to the table. He mumbled something about homework and ran out of the room.
Jeff looked surprised at his second youngest son's actions. When Gordon was out of sight Jeff turned to Alan. "What is it, Alan?"
"I don't want pink hearts to come out of my ears," Alan's pressed his hands more firmly against his ears. If he kept them there then no hearts would be able to come out.
"What?" Jeff kneeled down next to Alan's chair.
"Gordon said hearts come out of eight years olds heads on Valentine's Day."
"Why would hearts come out of your head?"
"Because St. Valentine robbed an arrow store and cut his ear off and sent it to his girlfriend and went to jail and he made hearts come out of people's heads." Alan spoke fast and didn't pause to breathe as he talked.
Jeff stood up and ran a hand over his face as he turned to the direction Gordon had gone, "Gordon!" He turned back to Alan. "Hearts are not going to come out of your head tomorrow, I promise."
Alan looked disbelieving at his dad, "But Gordon said."
"Gordon was just teasing you," Alan slowly took his hands off his ears. "Come on, let's go find your brother. I'll tell you a much better story about St. Valentine. One that does not have hearts coming out of people's heads."
A/N: Gordon's St. Valentine story came from a card I got for Valentine's Day one year. I thought it was funny and I couldn't pass up using it in a story. And the Mario valentine cards are real. I found them online.