A/N: I needed a break from my current story and this one just kind of came to me today, so I figured I'd get it out there. Hope you enjoy. It's written from Sam's point of view. It's not set for any particular season, though I'm thinking somewhat early on in the series.

This Life I Lead

This life we lead- It's never one I wanted. All it has ever brought is pain and suffering and this constant fear that consumes me, that eats away at my damned soul and leaves one sickening, gaping hole that can never be filled.

This life means everything I've ever owned stuffed into a battered duffel bag, dragged across countless dirty motel carpets and tossed onto itchy floral print duvets. It means paper bags with bright red letters full of food dripping in grease and the promise of yet another stomach ache. It's never being able to completely relax my aching bones; always ready and waiting for the next hit to come, praying to a G-d that might not exist that this won't be the one that knocks me off my feet and finishes me before I even have a chance to wonder "why me?"

This life is splattered blood on muddy jeans that won't come clean no matter how many times I wash them. It's alcohol cleansing a burning wound, then satiating a screaming throat run dry. Crimson colors my dreams, makes me flip and twist against the hands that try to steady my shaking body, my broken resolve.

This is the life of a hardened warrior, a ruthless killer. I'm fighting a war I never enlisted in for a cause I never had the chance to know or understand. But the choices are to fight or to die, and somehow I'm still alive so I must be doing something right and I should be grateful but really it just makes me wonder why everything feels so wrong.

And all I know is that I would never survive this life I lead without the one who leads it right alongside me. My brother is the stars that guide me and the steady hand that holds me upright when the world gets to heavy and evil casts its lengthy shadow over every good thought I've ever had, threatening to poison what little sanity I have left.

The road that winds through this life I lead is long, and the job is crippling, and sometimes I'm torn down by the sheer weight of the nightmares I've endured and the failures I've never been able to avoid. But with those evils also comes the brightest light I've ever seen.

I see it when a young girl gasps her first breath back to life, long past the point when I had sworn it was too late. I see it when black smoke billows out from screaming mouths and dissipates into angry hellfire, allowing the lost to return to themselves, to regain control over what they had thought was gone forever. I see light when I find my brother's face, grinning through bruises and broken noses and blood that seeps from cracked lips and blends into the dirt.

And sometimes I would give anything to trade in this life I lead. To find a different path, a better story. But that light always pulls me back before I stray, always pins me to the wall in awe as I watch hope dance on, even in what seems like the darkest corners of the world.

This life I lead is one of madness maybe, but it brings light to a darkened earth and peace to a suffering mass. I may not get all the things I want, but to see that light reach others, to see the things I have done reflected in their eyes- it's all worth it in the end.

Hope everyone had a lovely turkey day. Leave a review if you have time, they're always appreciated! Thanks for reading.