Author's Note: OH SHIT SHIT SHIT I DID NOT REALIZE I PUBLISHED IT IN SUCH A MESS. I'M SO SORRY T-T

Anyway... honestly, this is utter crack but unlike most of the few JB canon(ish) crack I came across, this actually isn't a Cersei hating fic. This probably leans more toward the show.

The sound of warning bells tolled in the distance. Jaime forgot his current anger and looked to Brienne in alarm. Their eyes met with understanding. They were both knights, and they needed to help.

Jaime turned back to his sister and the loathing crept up his chest again. He barked for Bronn and Pod to tie her up and for good measure, he ordered her gagged, so she wouldn't be able to entice the sellsword.

…

When Jaime found out that Tyrion was the Queen's Hand, he couldn't help but convince his little brother that he'll get King's Landing to yield, for as long as the dragons are kept in control.

Tyrion asked why he'd miss a chance for battle.

Jaime only mentioned about just recently saving King's Landing from burning a second time, he wouldn't allow the third attempt to finally succeed.

…

Daenerys Targaryen got the throne. It was easier than she thought.

…

Tommen was innocent from the war crimes of the past. He was sent back to Casterly Rock under heavy guard from the Queen's army. However, Jaime and Cersei were unfortunate. Jaime had crimes against killing the Mad King. Cersei had been the Usurper's wife and a Lannister and Baratheon in name. Daenerys would have had Jaime dead and Cersei rot in the dungeons after the trial, if it wasn't for one of Jaime's only witness, the Maid of Tarth, with her interesting account of Ser Jaime's tale and person, and a raven.

…

"The North is in need of fighters," read the message. "Anyone able will do- men or women. Winter is coming, as the words of our House. And it is. Creatures only known in old tales have come. We beg of you. It is not a matter of politics, but a matter of survival for this whole realm."

It signed Lady Sansa of Winterfell.

…

The dragon queen spared Jaime Lannister to fight in the North. Though cripple, he could still command forces. The former queen reagent, although friendless and didn't have anyone backing her, barely played a role in Targaryen slaughter, so she also had the same fate. In fact, every criminal in the dungeons was sent to the Wall along with enough men from the Dothraki force to keep them in line.

Daenerys sent this mismatched army, along with a few men she could trust, so she could have eyes to tell her that the threat is indeed real.

…

And that's how Jaime, Brienne and Cersei found themselves traveling North.

...-ooO0Ooo-…..

Cersei didn't know how many skins of the foul drink she had. It was their last day of stay in the town before they reach the Wall, and the Northern army recruits decided to indulge a bit. She's probably slept with half the men in the camp, but she doesn't care. She might have glimpsed Jaime staring at her as she locked lips with one but she couldn't read his expression through the haze of whatever she just drunk.

Dizzy. Have to get away.

The noise of the festivities was beginning to give her a headache. Cersei wobbled her way to the outskirts of the camp to make her headache subside a bit. The lights were getting dimmer and making it harder for her to see.

Still, she always knew that large hunched figure anywhere.

Cersei staggered on her way to her, stumbling almost every three steps. She nearly tripped over the woman who didn't make any acknowledgement as she clumsily plopped beside her.

"Hello, beastie," Cersei slurred. "I would ask why you're so alone, but I figured you're not the sort to take part in festivities."

Brienne still didn't make a move. Cersei rolled her eyes at how dull the woman is.

"I'm actually trying to make polite conversation here, beastie," Cersei piped up, her voice an octave too high. "Or at least the most polite I'll give you."

Still no response.

"Gods, how was Jaime even able to cope travelling with you?"

At that, Brienne whipped her head at Cersei's direction- her blue glare almost piercing through her soul. Almost. Cersei was too busy smirking.

"Of course it's my brother's name that would get you all hot and bothered,"

"I'm not-,"

"So, you haven't lost your voice at all then, beastie,"

The beast rolled her eyes and looked back to the camp. Bards were singing some bawdy song and most of the camp joined in.

"You must be so jealous Jaime and I lost our maidenhead together," Cersei suddenly blurted out. "Wouldn't you have loved it if you saw him in all his naked glory?"

"I did," Brienne snapped almost immediately. "Not much to see."

Cersei may be drunk but she could see the blush creeping at the woman's cheeks, opposing the beast's words.

"Really?" Cersei sneered. "How have you come to seeing his balls?"

"I'm afraid it isn't an interesting story, your Grace."

Cersei laughed. It sounded eerily similar to their conversation back to a time she didn't want to think about.

"Oh, so I am your Grace now? What happened to 'my lady', or 'Lannister'?" Cersei scoffed. "I suppose you wanna be Lannister. But knowing my brother, he probably scribbles 'Lord Jaime of Tarth' in the soil."

Brienne whipped her head at Cersei again, faster this time, if it could be believed. Her blue eyes were disbelieving. Of course she would be disbelieving. I doubt even a man as homely as her would want her, but…

"I've seen the way he looks at you. Ugh. Disgusting," Cersei felt a lump at her throat. She thought it was a gag reflex at the way his brother looks dreamily at the beast, but she felt the fire from her stomach up her throat then out her mouth.

I definitely had too much.

But she didn't care. She hadn't realized the beast had patted her back until after she sat up. She elbowed the woman's arm away and took a swig from her skin, then turned to Brienne again. "He never looked at me like that. Not even when he claimed to love me," Cersei trailed off, realizing how broken she sounded. "And of course claimed me."

Cersei laughed. It was a bitter laugh.

"And the way you look at him," Cersei continued, and Brienne's glare was back. It did nothing but make her look uglier. Yet somehow her eyes look like beautiful but dangerous shards of blue glass. "Honestly, the way you look at each other look like you're fucking… but with your souls… if that's a thing."

Cersei's headache was subsiding but she found herself enjoying the company of this beast. Watching her squirm is most delightful.

"You are probably wondering why I manipulated Jaime into this whole incest affair."

"Manipulating?"

"Did you wax your ears today, beastie?" Cersei growled. "Yes, I did. I didn't even realize it until Jaime had pointed it out to me in one of our recent talks."

Brienne didn't say anything. Jaime probably told her about all their talks, which mostly consisted of either shouting or cold retorts. All the beast has is that stupid, confused look on her hideous face.

"I thought about it. I really did love Jaime," Cersei's voice was softer now. She didn't know where this came from, but she kept going. "I still do now, even if he barely talks to me. Though I think it's really just that natural love of a sibling."

The beast was gaping like a fish now. Cersei would have laughed but all she wanted was to spew out sorrows. A different kind of sorrow. Sorrows she didn't know she had.

"We're not sure why we thought we could be Targaryens," Cersei continued. "But I know I wanted what men had." Cersei breathed deeply, her muddled brain threatening to shut down and sleep. "They had power, and physical strength. I think-,"

Cersei's eyes widened, as if she saw the first light of spring after a long winter.

"I think I fucked Jaime because I wanted to be a man."

Brienne's ugly face scrunched up.

"He was my twin. We looked like each other save for our sexes. I manipulated him because through him," Cersei threw her arms open, spilling her drink a little. "I could be a man."

Cersei moved the skin to her mouth but she caught the beast watching her.

"But look at you," Cersei spat. "Ugly as fuck, but a highborn lady, the heir of a small House. Honorable beyond compare according to Jaime. Yet you're dressed in man's mail, playing soldier in war. I think I understand why I despise you so."

The beast rolled her eyes at that.

"You have a life I wanted- a man's physical strength, power, even though it's something as unimportant as Tarth. You, my lady…" Cersei said that with venom. "…have broken all the rules of what a woman is expected to be."

Brienne only shrugged at this though.

"Your fighting has considerably improved since we left King's Landing," the beast noted. "You've developed the necessary strength to wield a sword, and you've learned the stances and techniques quite quicker than most."

Of course it did. She had to improve. When she was sent to the Wall to fight creatures no one thought had existed, she had to live. For Tommen.

Brienne was assigned to train all the female recruits with no fighting experience, and the beast treated them all with respect, even Cersei, who hurled insults at her every opportunity she could get. Cersei will never admit it but Brienne was a good teacher. Even their obvious animosity toward each other didn't hinder her fair treatment of her students.

As the days passed and the weather colder, Cersei found herself spewing less japes as she grew fonder of the sport. There was something that felt right about wielding a sword. She even stayed behind in the later weeks to ask for extra lessons. Brienne had raised her brow but she didn't question it. The former queen felt like she had a new growing addiction. She realized now why Jaime loved the song of steel.

Still, Cersei felt like her lessons weren't enough.

"Not much," Cersei scoffed. "What happens if we face the wights? Or whatever waits beyond that Wall? I'm going to die."

"At least you'll die fighting for the realm," Brienne argued.

"I just want to be with my son."

It was true though. More than anything, even the clanging of blades, she just wanted to hold her only remaining child, Tommen, in her arms. But with Daenerys having the new lord of Casterly Rock watched intently to avoid rebellion, and the general Lannister sin to the Targaryen family, she can't plead her way to her son. Not yet at least.

They grew quiet again and Cersei gulped down every single drop from the wineskin. She felt light-headed again as she turned to Brienne. The beast was mannish alright. But her lips looked so plump and her eyes were the only thing maid about her.

Suddenly, the words came out of Cersei's lips before she even thought it.

"Have you wondered what it's like to kiss Jaime?"

Maybe it was the wine, or the cold winter.

But whatever it was, she grabbed the beast's thick neck and drew their faces close for a kiss. Cersei had never kissed a woman before. She doubted the beast had been kissed either but there's a first time for everyone. Brienne didn't back away, but she remained motionless. So Cersei slipped her tongue out, hoping to elicit a reaction from her. But this only made the beast purse her lips tighter.

"Yield," Cersei demanded, but Brienne shook her head, so Cersei broke off with a growl.

The former queen stared at nothing, pondering about what she just experienced. Brienne was rough. Even her lips were as chaffed as Jaime's. But her responses were entirely feminine. Something stirred within Cersei that she never felt before. However, she felt like it wasn't this woman who could turn it into a tempest.

"I see why Jaime loves you," Cersei told Brienne. "He loves difficult women. He's masochistic like that."

"He doesn't-,"

"Oh please. He fucking loves you,"

Suddenly, Cersei laughed. It was a genuine laugh this time.

"Look at us. We are quite the duo," Cersei mused loudly. "The Kingslayer's Whores. His own twin sister and a man girl. Funny the women my brother fell in love with."

"What would you know about love, sweet sister?"

The two women whirled at the sound of the voice. They spot Jaime's barely visible figure, standing with drooped shoulders, several feet away from them.

"Have you finally joined your lovers, brother? Do you want to fuck us both at the same time? Because I really don't-,"

"Shut up, Cersei," Jaime snapped but Cersei simply smirked at that.

"Lady Brienne, is my sister bothering you?"

Brienne turned away from him and blushed.

"I was just having a girl conversation with her," Cersei said a little too innocently. "To get her in touch of her feminine side. I figured no one has ever had that talk with her."

"What did you do to her?" her twin spat but it only fueled her amusement.

"Retract those claws, brother. I was simply having a chat with your lady here."

"I know you did something to her. Otherwise she wouldn't look so sullen."

Cersei stood up, mumbling about how the beast is always sullen and dusted the peasant winter garbs she's been wearing.

"Maybe I am wrong- no, not maybe. There's only one person you're in love with your whole life."

Jaime's face was unreadable but the stiffness in his jaw indicated that he was holding back his emotions. It amused Cersei to no end. She walked over to her brother, slowly at first but realizing she wasn't as dizzy as before, she walked faster and faster.

At her approach, Jaime could only scrunch his face and gape his mouth wide open. How cute. Even they make that same stupid expression.

"Take good care of her, brother," Cersei hummed.

In nearly four decades of living in this world, Cersei did the most sisterly thing she had ever done to Jaime. She ruffled his hair affectionately and gave him a light peck on the cheek. Jaime was still stunned, unsure of what to make of the situation.

Cersei rolled her eyes at his stupidity.

And without warning, she grasped the front of his breeches, where his crotch is, and Jaime yelped the most girlish yelp he ever mustered in his life. Cersei had to hold a laugh as she removed her hand.

"Grow a pair, brother, or I'll steal her from you," she said more firmly. "You know how I like stealing everything from you."

Jaime merely growled as Cersei walked away.

"By the way," Cersei yelled as she was well away. "I may have stolen her first kiss, too. Sorry, brother."

And with a cackle, Cersei left the two alone. Her alcohol-soaked thoughts wondering if she could find that recently widowed brunette who had been eyeing her was around. Cersei wondered how girlish her squeals would be at her touch.

Author's Note: So, I wrote a sequel convo with Jaime and Brienne and will write an epilogue. This was supposed to be a long one shot but I think my muse refuses to write that JB conversation until I post this because it's too damn hilarious. XD Not sure if I'll make this a two-part or three-part yet. To be honest, I'm not sure if I'll keep the sequel that I've written or rewrite another one but we'll see. I DO wanna write a sequel. Hahahaha! Mostly because of there are things that aren't clear yet in this one. My muse just really likes this part published already XD

I was inspired to write this fic because (1) I had slight Brienne/Cersei feels XD (2) Because I actually do love Cersei and I feel sorry that this has become of her. I just think of how Cersei used to wear Jaime's armor as a kid as she pretends to be Jaime and ugh it's sho kyut X38 I think she feels like cattle betrothed to this person and that person and I think both her and Jaime just lived in illusions. Jaime was her illusion of her as a man. Cersei was his illusion of true love.

Also, Cersei seems very Johanna Mason from the Hunger Games here XD

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing this XD And again I apologize if I didn't check oh my gods the horror.