Warning: This fanfic may cause permanent brain loss, bleeding eyes and death to some of you weaker minded people. If you're not brave enough to read this fic then back down now, I'M WARNING YOU!
Chaotic Cooking Chronicles chapter 1:
DemonPanther: YUS, I'm finally done chappie one. After all the hot chocolate, sleep deprivation and hyper spazzing sprees twas worth it! :D MY FIRST FANFIC!
Random audience member: -mumbles- hopefully it's not too horrible.
DemonPanther: SILENCE IMPRUDENT FOOL! –knocks random audience member over head with a mug of hot chocolate-
Audience: O.o''
DemonPanther: -regains composure- Anyways, before we start this I MUST thank iChocoluv for all her help. She came up with a couple of lines/ideas from the story and checked it over for grammar and other concepts I could change to make the story that much better! I am truly grateful to her; my precious Beta Reader deserves a cookie! -gives burnt, deformed cookie-
Audience: -.-''
DemonPanther: I'VE NEVER BEEN A BAKER OK!?
Smashers: Aren't you forgetting something?
DemonPanther: Ummm...the other cookies I baked. –brings out a tray of black, charred substance-
Smashers: -.-'' The disclaimer?
DemonPanther: OH RIGHT, I forgot! I don't own any of the characters from Smash Bros or the game itself. -stares at cookies- It would be a waste to throw these away...KIRBY! :D
Kirby: -sucks in all the cookies-
DemonPanther: YAY! Now they're not wasted! :D
Kirby: -dies-
Smashers: O.O''
DemonPanther: Humm...Maybe I should have checked out the expiration date on the milk before hand...-puts on gas mask and pours out green liquid from within milk carton-
Smashers: -faints-
DemonPanther: Also flaming will be frowned upon! -sprays perfume- Though I like constructive criticism! Before we start, if you're worried about the smashers I'll revive them during the chappie so, CHAPPIE ONE COMMENCE! ENJOY!
--
It was a typical, warm sunny day at the Brawl Mansion, home to some of the world's greatest Nintendo characters. Lunch time was nearly here...and all our beloved smashers were relaxing outside, under the clear, cloudless, blue sky. That day was like any other day, the atmosphere was peaceful and completely, absolutely serene...
"ROY, GIVE ME MY TIARA BACK!"
"AUGH, KIRBY THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE PAIR OF SOCKS!"
"NOES! MY PRECIOUS PIKMIN!"
"MARIOOOO SAVE ME!"
"MUHAHAHAHA!"
"Mmmm...Donuts..."
"OH YEAH!? WELL, YOUR FACE!"
"MOO, I'M A PIG!"
"SHOOP DA WHOOP!"
"AH! WHO LET THE FANGIRLS IN?"
CRASH
BANG
BOOOOOM!
Nintendo is going through some technical difficulties right now, please come back later. BEEEEEEEEEP
Back with the story, little did the smashers know that today something horrible was about to happen. Absolutely nothing could have prepared our beloved smashers, that day...in those 24 hours...in those 1440 minutes and 86400 seconds...for the tragedy that will fall upon them.
Anyways, one person decided not to join her fellow smashers in their...errrr...fun?
A very irritable and sleep deprived Samus was sitting in the shade of a tree reading, trying to block out all the noise, along with Falcon and Snake (who were recently punted somewhere into the unknown singing 'I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!')...and with her bulky power suit it SHOULD have been easy. Sadly, the racket invaded her suit like a virus and entered her ears causing a slight psychotic breakdown...Heck; a minute ago she was banging her head against a rock.
The bounty hunter twitched somewhat violently, putting down '100 Ways to Kill a Metroid'. Her helmet was dented and the squeals emitted from the herd of foam-mouthed fangirls could make anyone within a mile deaf. Indeed, Samus Aran was not a happy camper.
Meanwhile, back with the rest of the spazzing smashers, the fangirls were enjoying their...time with the group. Though I could say differently about the smashers...as they were all screaming like 3 year old sissies, some yelling, "TIS THE END OF THE WORLD!" while running from their so-called doom.
The swordsmen Marth and Roy were running together, swords in hand, but suddenly they were –insert dramatic music here-surrounded.
Marth sighed sadly, "Well I guess this is the end...it was a pleasure knowing you...sorta."
"What did I ever do to deserve this...ROY'S BEEN A GOOD BOY!" Roy whimpered.
Marth stared at his fellow swordsman with sympathy.
Roy continued sobbing and explained, "S-Sure, I may have played a few practical jokes, pushed Link down a well, eaten Kirby's food supply, used a few of DK's discarded banana peels to help my material, accidentally burnt down the old hospital and stolen a couple of items from random smashers to sell them on E-Bay...BUT I'M NOT A BAD PERSON!"
The Aritian Prince twitched; I've always wondered why he was always able to buy a Big Mac AND a Large fries whenever we went to McDonalds.
The red head turned towards the cobalt haired prince, "M-Marth?"
"Yes?"
"Since this is clearly the last time we'll be seeing each other, I have to apologize..."
"For?"
"I'm sorry for forgetting to tell you about the super glue on your tiara, when you put it on a minute ago..."
An awkward silence ensued, "T-That's okay..."Marth twitched, resisting his strong urge to slice Roy into mincemeat.
"I'm also sorry for setting your cape on fire..."
"..."
"Plus I probably shouldn't have put that poison in your food..."
"..."
"And for switching your perfume with-" Roy would have finished, but was booted to the ground brutally. That was the end of that...Marth was gone with a cloud of dust and Roy at the fangirl's mercy. Did anyone care Roy was nearly dead? I highly doubt it.
Apparently, life was worse for Ike and Pit, as they were caught ages before Roy. Though some characters were experiencing hell, the female smashers (and non human smashers) were watching the show intently while munching on greasy popcorn, in the shade of the trees.
"OOH LOOK, ROY JUST GOT PWNED!"
"Hey isn't that Link over there being ripped to shreds?"
"Yup, seems he's taking out a bomb..."
BOOM
"There goes one fangirl." Zelda said watching the 'battle' carrying a blank expression.
Peach glanced over at Kirby still giggling from the men's misfortune; the alien's mouth was the size of the mushroom princess' eyes during the yearly mega-mongo shopping spree downtown.
"And there goes the popcorn." Samus added still engrossed in her 4000 page book.
Peach screamed towards the infinite black hole, "KIRBY DON'T EAT IT ALL!"
The cotton candy coloured creature tilted his head/body to the side in confusion, "Poyo?"
Many crashing sounds echoed throughout the mansion and a very agitated Peach emerged from the bushes covered in twigs, dirt and other sorts of debris, with Kirby latched to her arm.
"Kirby could you please...GET OFF!" she screamed waving her arm frantically, causing Kirby to let go. The mushroom princess took out her dreaded pan pointing it at the round, pink alien with murderous intent...you can guess exactly what happened next.
CLANG
Luigi nudged his more famous, well known brother in the arm, "Your girlfriend scares me..."
Mario sighed heavily, "She scares everyone..."
The blonde fumed, dragging the poor pink puffball...that was presently knocked out, back to the insides of the house, while the rest of the gang more or less harboured the same expression: Oo"
--
Meanwhile back with the men, who were getting choked, glomped, raped, killed or all of the above decided to finally fight back.
"Hylian Hero to Menacing Mercenary. Breaker, breaker, do you copy?" Link whispered lowering his tone of voice through the newly acquired walkie-talkie. How he got it, the world will never know...
"What the hell do you think you're doing Link?" Ike asked hiding oh so courageously behind one of the nearby bushes.
The Hero of Time grinned proudly and simply explained, "Being cool!"
"..." Ike stared at the 'Hylian Hero' without a word.
"What's the matter? Aren't I?"
"Yup, sure, right..."
Link glared sceptically at his blue-haired friend and resumed his so called coolness, "Now everyone BATTLE STATIONS!"
A herd of red, blue, and yellow pikmin randomly popped out of nowhere and marched confidently towards the pack of fangirls. Each pikmin sported a miniature army cap with a tiny hole on the top, enabling the flowers growing on their heads to grow, un-squished. The attack had begun.
Link blinked. Then he blinked again...and again, in total bewilderment. "Ike..." he started dubiously, while blinking several more times in confusion, "Where'd the pikmin come from?"
Ike face palmed, "I thought you knew! WHAT THE HECK YOU'D THINK WOULD HAPPEN WHEN YOU SAID BATTLE STATIONS THEN!?"
Link shrugged, "I dunno, I just like using the walkie-talkie..."
"Then what are they doing here?" the mercenary self questioned (also questioning Link's IQ in the process).
"Maybe they just like to 'fight for their friends'?" a nearby voice explained sarcastically.
Ike twitched up a storm, muttering something about making sure Sakurai suffered a slow and painful death later on, ignoring the owner of said voice.
"Who are you?" Link took interest in the unidentified stranger, unlike his ranting friend.
"My name is of no importance..." the darkened figure explained mysteriously.
"Oooooo," Link's eyes widened and acted similar to a crow that had just found one of its precious 'shiny' things.
Much to the Hylian's disappointment, the mysterious figure was in fact Falco, who tripped gracefully over a tree branch into a pile of mud. Fox appeared from behind and stepped over his companion.
"Actually Falco borrowed the Pikmin earlier..."
Link raised an eyebrow, "Borrowed you say?"
"Yes, borrowed I say."
"What about Olimar?"
Falco lifted his face from the brown substance, spitting a large amount of it out of this mouth/beak, and grinned, "I locked him up in a closet!" he exclaimed happily.
The bystanders stared.
Ike continued his twitching spree.
Fox sighed, wondering why he ever knew Falco in the first place.
And Link went from shocked silent to strangely happy, "Cool! Then I guess that means, THE PIKMIN ARE MINE, COUGH OURS TO COMMAND! EVERYONE MOVE OUT!"
Ike was standing mute (after his twitching spasm) beside Fox. Both animal gunman and blue haired mercenary watched disbelievingly as the pair commanded the tiny troop of itty-bitty fighters, to war.
Fox sighed, "Why are all idiots the same?"
Link and Falco pulled out a piece of paper from out of nowhere and began reading it to their minions. On it was the speech to encourage their underlings to succeed and drive on, in their quest to defeat the enemy fangirls.
"If you call those two idiots it would be an insult to the stupid people of the world." Ike explained, also sighing.
The speech ended and the duo screamed in unison, "NOW OFF TO WAR!"
"I guess that's true," Fox answered nodding.
The dwarfish defence force dashed forward determinedly.
"Well that should be the end for the fangirls!" Link exclaimed proudly.
Fox raised a brow, "Really now?"
All of a sudden out of the blue, someone or something let loose a high-pitched, louder than the average person's scream. It ruptured the eardrums of many smashers.
"WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT!?" Ike shouted, severely pissed.
"Calm down Ike."
"The pikmin..." was all Link managed to let out, as he pointed towards the battle field in horror, ghostly pale.
"What? Did they run away or something?"
The Hylian let a couple more words escape from his trembling lips, "No...They're..." He stopped to swallow the painful lump formed by fear in his throat.
"BEING GLOMPED!"
More silence.
The awkwardness was rudely interrupted by the fangirls. Another sharp, loud KYAAA reverberated throughout the manor, spreading like a plague through the vicinity. Many Smashers rubbed their poor, defenceless ears vigorously, wincing at the pain. Considering the measurement of the Brawl mansion lengthwise, for the squeal to reach each end successfully it had to be pretty...well, darn loud. And it was...
"THE PAIN!" Falco yelled, close to tears.
"THE EXCRUCIATING PAIN!" Link added (back to normal).
Both sophisticated smashers began knocking their heads against trees aggressively, expecting something to leak from their deafened ears...nothing did.
"Those two sure make a good pair..." Ike commented staring vacantly at the 'interesting' duo.
On another note, the rabid fangirls were basically squeezing the pikmin to death...literally, the air was now partially crowded. Tiny souls of red, blue and yellow pikmin slowly drifted towards the sky, as several strange mini soldiers departed from our world and moved towards an eternal paradise. Fox shuddered.
"Fangirls are freaky..."
Falco spun himself around turning his attention to his dying minions. He suddenly remembered something extremely important, the soon to be extinct Pikmin were...borrowed...
"OH WELL, I guess we can always push Olimar off a cliff when we get back! That way he'll never know!" Falco accidentally blurted out...clearly unaware of it, seeing as he never noticed Fox inch away little by little.
Link twitched, also just now realising something extremely important, "Wait, now that our minions are gone...what's occupying the fangirls?"
Everyone's reactions were comparatively identical.
SIGH
TWITCH
"WELL THAT'S JUST GREAT, WE'RE DOOMED!"
Link, Falco, Fox and Ike all trembled, as a large, wicked shadow swooped from behind.
"Don't be scared we just want to talk to you!" a disturbingly creepy voice explained.
The smashers froze stiff in utter terror, "RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!" The noise level escalated, while the ultimate evil chased the spazzing smashers.
Samus, who had recently finished the book distracting her from said noise, had lost it. "WOULD YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP!?" The bounty hunter lifted her arm murderously and shot an oversized bullet with her missile shooter thinger, towards the group of spazzing smashers (and fangirls). The entire area vibrated...but the wide-eyed brawlers lay untouched.
She huffed, releasing her anger. Samus always had perfect aim, but because this time she was blinded by rage...she missed greatly...hitting the kitchen instead.
Link pouted, "I guess this means lunch is delayed."
"You think?"
"We should go check if everyone's ok..." Zelda remarked, the only one caring for the chef inside and not for the delay of lunch.
"Yes, but before that -" Link took out a huge bomb and placed it gently on the ground in front of the fangirls. The bomb exploded and the fangirls disappeared into the distance with a glint.
"We can go now!" the green clad elf explained grinning.
Everyone else sighed, "Let's go..."
--
When they entered the kitchen they cringed empathically. Everything was charred, burnt or completely destroyed. The only thing they found non barbequed was a note on the desk.
"It's probably from Master Hand..." Fox said poking at the letter, "It has his insignia on it after all..."
Fox was right; it was from Master Hand and was addressed to all the smashers. They tore it open and read it thoroughly.
Dear Smashers,
I have an important piece of information that needs to be shared regarding this situation, but before that I'll tell you that the chef has...taken an early retirement and will not be coming back. The piece of information I wanted to share was the damage costs. It will take around four to five days of work to fix the kitchen so no one will be given permission to enter. Also, the missile caused so much money in repair expenses-
The writing got slightly smaller, as if Master Hand was whispering.
- That I cannot afford to hire another chef.
The writing returned to normal.
Well, good luck with the rest of your days!
Sincerely, Master Hand.
TWITCH
"WHAT THE HECK!"
Yes, after those 24 hours, in those 1440 minutes and 86400 seconds...the smashers learned something so completely disturbing it made their skin crawl. They now had to cook for themselves.
--
Roy: So that's it for chappie one! Thanks for reviving us! :D
DemonPanther: BUT I USED UP ALL MY HOT CHOCOLATE! T.T
Smashers: O.o''
DemonPanther: It's my fuel! If I don't get more the next chappie'll be delayed! DD:
Everyone: -.-''
Captain Falcon: What did I miss? -comes out with robe on and cup of hot chocolate-
DemonPanther: O.O -drools-
Captain Falcon: ...?
DemonPanther: HOT CHOCOLATE! –pile dives CF and starts mauling him-
-one min later...-
Captain Falcon: -twitches on floor-
DemonPanther: -sips on hot chocolate happily- Anyways, that's it for now. I'll start on chappie two soon...also I dun wanna be greedy but, REVIEW PLEASE!