-COLD, Thorki fanfic-

,,I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
This far
But I don't know if I can find my way back home
I'm damaged
But somehow I've managed
For now
But I don't think I can face this on my own.''

written while listening to the song ,,damaged'' by Assemblage 23

Leaves were falling. It was an awesome sight – so colorful, but sad at the same time – they were going somewhere, never to come back. They were falling and Loki could feel himself falling apart as well.

Sad autumn evening. The light was fading, all things around turning blue. Blue was a good color, it seemed beautiful to Loki, as long as his own ugly skin was not concerned. Someone's invisible hand was turning on the illuminations in the street.

Raven-haired, pale man was sitting on a wooden bench, near a little playground, smoking a cigarette.

It has been a while.. very long time he had last talked to someone as a friend. Nothing in his miserable existence was even near to constant, since he was doomed to live in Midgard. Midgard was not the point, really, what was the difference now ? He had left his so-called-home for nearly 5 hundred years already. So pointless.. so pathetic… living whole five centuries on this planet, moving from place to place, meeting millions of people. Not one of them ever really existed for him.

500 years. Yes, the anniversary was today. It should be his 1 thousand and 125th birthday? Yes. Exactly 5 centuries ago, on his birthday, he had left Asgard, run away to never return. Week before the historical event .. Thor's coronation and… the wedding. He had forbidden himself to think about it, but that was useless. Of course he knew, there was no point of hoping, that someone still cared of his whereabouts.. someone? No, he had to be honest to himself – Thor did not care. He probably got married the day he was supposed to and will be celebrating an anniversary in a week. He should have a beautiful spouse, children even, with golden hair, pale skin and green eyes. No, stop that – the sorcerer told himself. It was not Thor's children who were supposed to look that way.. well, not only Thor's. memories flooded his mind.

The first memory was his coming-of-age feast. Of course, not as wonderful as Thor's but Loki actually could have care less – the only thought on his mind was of his elder brother, that day, the day before, during the centuries.. Of course, Loki was not Asgard's favorite prince, but he had had to chose a to-be-spouse, he had to claim someone, in front of people. That day he was afraid of. Thor was older, his coming of-age feast was held centuries ago and he of course, choose his maiden then, but left her after a year or two (which, was too soon for Asgardian standards of relationship, but had seemed like an eternity in Helheim for Loki), then another, then another and the trickster actually got used to it, to his place in the thunder-god's shadow. – maidens were thousands, Loki was one – the one Thor would always turn to, to discuss things. He might not have held the younger male's hands in the way Loki wanted him to, he might not have kissed his lips, but he would hug him and let him rest against his wide chest, comfort him whenever he was broken. That, Loki thought, was more than enough… it used to be enough, until that day.

There ceremony of choosing a spouse was the opening part of the feast. Loki was sitting on his bed in his chamber and was staring at the silver necklace with his unique sign on it. He had to give It to someone, as well as his heart.

There was a knock on the door and Thor burst in, loud, laughing and warm as always, just like the sun.

- What are you doing here, brother? – he said and stood in front of Loki – come on, the feast won't start without you. – he shook his brother gently – hey, look at me – Thor froze to see the way trickster was staring at the wall, with empty, tired eyes – Loki? What is wrong brother? – the thunder god knelt before the bed and made the sorcerer look into his eyes.

- Nothing Thor, I am okay – Loki lied and for the first time in his whole life, his lie was obvious to spot.

- You won't fool me this time, brother! Tell me, are you nervous? Is that all? – Loki nodded silently, afraid that his voice would give him away – you have not made up your mind yet? – the trickster nodded again – that is no trouble, brother – the thunderer laughed and pulled the younger male in his embrace – just name someone, you may give up on her in a week. This doesn't mean a wedding, this is a tradition. You have centuries before you really will have to get married. Nothing to worry about.

- You have not – those words just were uttered before Loki even realized what he was referring to – you have not much time left.. and I .. – he bit his lips, he wanted to make himself shut up, make himself not fall apart and cry right now. It should be his name-day, his triumph and instead he was just leaning into Thor's chest, almost crying like a child.

- Loki what are you talking about? – Thor's voice sound amazed – wait.. are you jealous? – he stared in trickster's eyes, which were full of tears already – you little fool, you fear I will forget you when I have my own family? You will always be my little brother, I will always care for you, you know that, right?

Loki could not bare this much longer, the time was now, now or never, he braced himself for what he was going to do .. – Thor.. he whispered – close your eyes please.

Thor closed his eyes. With trembling hands, Loki pulled a chain with his wedding necklace over his brother's chest. Thunderer opened his eyes and stared at the symbol of Loki on his neck and then at his little brother,then at the silver jewelry again, it made no sense to him, until Loki put his hands over the thunder god's arms, pulled him close and kissed him desperately, with anger, passion… This was madness.. Loki's tongue was slipping into his mouth, his' lips were crushing on Thor's so hard it was almost painful, his nails scratched thunderer's neck.

Several minutes later, when Thor actually made sense of what was happening, he made his' brother let go of him. They were staring at each-other in silence, for several seconds, until, suddenly, Thor slapped Loki's face so hard, that the pale man lost his balance and crashed onto a bed, hitting his head on a bed post. He stayed that way several seconds, while Thor was still kneeling on the floor, breathing heavily.

At last, after what seemed like several hours, Loki rose up slowly, with one of his hand on his head. Thor could see blood running from his nose and from his head, down his neck, but it was nothing compared to the horror and devastation in his brother's eyes.

Thor stood up and rushed to Loki, to see his wounds and apologize, fix something, he was not sure, but the younger male gave him a look that froze him where he stood. Loki tore his named-necklace off of the Thunderer's chest, looked down at it for a moment, with a strange expression on his face, then turned around, threw it out of the window and walked out the room without saying a word.

That night he went straight to secret path between realms and came to Midgard to stay here forever, doomed to live alone. For 500 years, he kept himself hidden from Heimdall, except one day in a century – his birthday (Asgardians were celebrating birthdays only once a century). Today was the fifth time, watcher could see him, Thor could know about his whereabouts, his father and mother as well.

For the first time, after 100 years of waiting, he thought Thor would come to talk, but he didn't appear, not that day, not next name day, nor 3rd or 4th one. And the 5th one was fading, there was no visitor for him. He had lost hope long ago anyway. He might killed himself if he knew how to – his perfect health, which was always considered a good thing became to be the curse now.

Loki threw off the cigarette and walked down the street. Maybe he could just return, but even a single thought about watching Thor, greeting him as a brother, hugging him and.. introducing him to his wife… was beyond his strength.

Suddenly, Loki saw a light that made his whole body shiver – it was a Bifrost, someone was coming from Asgard. His heart was bursting out his chest – could it be Thor?

When the light faded, Loki just could not feel his body anymore – no it was not Thor but.. it was someone he could hardly be expecting to see.. it was Heimdall. The trickster did not recall him traveling through the rainbow bridge himself. The watcher looked around and saw the raven haired man.

– Loki – it was so long since he was called his real name, the sorcerer did not realize he had called to him. – I don't have much time. Can we talk?

- What made you leave your post, guardian of the realms? – Loki felt his voice betraying him again, - did Odin send you?

- He is not aware I am here. No one know I am here. And no one knew you were letting yourself be seen once a century. I didn't tell.

Loki felt blood freeze through his veins. – why?

- I wanted you to.. have hope.

- What hope ?

- For Thor.. to return. But there is no other way I have to tell you everything now. – Heimdall took a deep breath – Thor was not able to return for you, Loki, he never will. He fell in battle, soon after you disappeared.

Loki closed his eyes. He could no longer breathe. Emptiness.. he was just empty, then agonizing pain took every cell of his body, Thor.. dead.. that could not be true.

- I want to tell you something, if it is going to make you feel better – the watcher added – he never married. He kept searching for you. He never stopped searching, until seven realms united against Asgard and he had to lead an army to battlefield. The war was devastating to Asgard.. is.. the war still continues Loki and that's why I came. Thor is dead, Odin was killed by a traitor several days ago, we have no one to look up to. Come back and claim your throne, Asgard needs you!

Loki was astonished, his mind could not analyze all those things.. Thor dead, Odin dead, Asgard defeated.. it was not real, it could not be. He needed to avenge, to lead his people. For the first time in centuries, he no longer felt useless. The trickster nodded and held Heimdall's hand, felt light surrounding him.

When he opened his eyes, he was standing on a Bifrost. Heimdall returned to his position and Loki went to the palace. He never dared to go to the throne room, he could not imagine the Throne empty, without Odin. Loki went to his chambers instead.

Nothing has changed.. 500 hundred years and it still looked all the same, same bed, where he was sitting in that failed day, same table, with… his wedding necklace over it.

Loki could not catch his breath, when he heard the door closing and heavy foot steps approaching. He turned around too see him… the one he craved to see for a long time.

The trickster was going to snarl on his brother but he was silenced by a sudden kiss. Thor's lips smelt and tasted so good, it was pure bliss. he felt thunderer's strong arms wrapped around him, raven haired man leaned into touch, kissing his brother desperately, never closing his eyes, as if he thought this would make sudden happiness disappear.

Gently, the thunder god pushed him towards bed. Loki felt Thor's hand tearing his cloth off of him and the sound of the fabrics torn apart was the most joyful sound he ever heard, feeling strong, warm body over him.

At last, when Loki had almost no oxygen in his lungs, the thunderer ended the kiss to let him catch his breath. Loki smiled at his brother, brushing his fingers through his golden hair, pulling the man closer, whispering in his ear; ,,you lied to me.. I'm impressed''

Thor gave him another long, passionate kiss, before answering in content voice;,,thank you''

THE END

I was just feeling romantic and kind-of-depressed the other day and this was the result. share your thoughts in reviews :)