The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off protesting. I was reading the news and saw that LA was considering a law banning the sale of furs. Then this hit me. This just seemed too perfect to pass up. I don't agree with the opinions of a certain pro-fur member of the Figgis Agency. I'm just playing devil's advocate when…
Mallory Makes A Stand
"Thanks Ray," Lana sighed as she and Ray walked to Archer's hospital room. "It really means a lot to me that you're with me to see Archer and Mallory."
"Honestly I could do a little longer without seeing either of them," Ray admitted as he carried a newspaper. "But I'm your friend and couldn't think of a good excuse so why not?"
"Mallory?" Lana knocked before entering the room.
"Hello Lana," Mallory was sitting there looking at Archer on the bed. "Gillette."
"How are you doing, Ms. Archer?" Ray said gently.
"Oh, I'm fine!" Mallory snapped. "Everything is sunshine and rainbows and lollypops! I'm having the time of my life just sitting here for hours watching my son hover between life and death!"
"You ran out of alcohol didn't you?" Ray asked.
"Nurse Ratchet stole my flask when I went to use the bathroom," Mallory grumbled. "I made the mistake of leaving it on the table. Then she tries to lecture me on…I don't know. I wasn't listening."
"Here," Ray took out a flask from his pocket. "Some scotch. I had a feeling you would need this."
"Thank God!" Mallory groaned as she drank some. "I'll give you this, Gillette. You could give Brunhilda out there lessons on how to be a proper lady!"
"It's been a while since you've used a proper homophobic remark," Ray quipped.
"Well this whole coma thing has thrown me for a loop," Mallory admitted.
"So," Lana sighed. "No change?"
"Like a bum on a sidewalk," Mallory grumbled. "God Sterling…Is there any news on what is going on back at the agency?"
"Depends on if you want to be charged as an accessory," Ray quipped.
"Then I have my answer," Mallory groaned. "God I've been so wrapped up in this thing…I've even forgotten to go shopping for the fall fur season."
"Well you'd better do it fast," Ray said as he looked at his paper. "Looks like that bill is going to pass this week."
"What bill?" Mallory asked.
"LA is considering a ban on the sale of furs," Lana said. "They're planning on voting for it in a few days."
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted as she grabbed the paper. "Let me see that!"
"You're still into that huh?" Ray asked as Mallory read the paper.
"Dear God! It's true!" Mallory gasped as she read. "Banning the sale and manufacturing of furs…Except for used goods? USED GOODS? They expect us to settle for last years' furs?"
"Interesting what she takes away from it, isn't it?" Ray remarked to Lana.
"What kind of world is this?" Mallory snapped. "I fought a war to do away with this kind of fascism! What kind of world would my granddaughter live in if we just let laws like this happen?"
"Do you want to take this one Lana?" Ray asked.
"Nope," Lana shook her head.
"Sorry Sterling," Mallory said before storming out of the room. "I can't wait for you. This is more important!"
"Story of his life," Ray remarked.
The next day at the Figgis Agency Bullpen…
"Let me get this straight," Cyril blinked. "Mallory Archer is now becoming a Pro-Fur activist?" He looked at Lana, Pam and Ray.
"It's a cause she believes in," Lana groaned. "A stupid evil cause but a cause…"
"Hey at least she's spending time out of the hospital," Pam said. "And out of the bottle."
"Guys the fur trade is one of the most brutal and unnecessary industries out there today," Lana told them. "Banning such a business in LA is a huge step!"
"For the record I agree with you but uh…" Cyril paused.
"What?" Lana asked.
"You eat meat," Cyril said. "And you're wearing leather boots!"
"He's got you there," Ray added.
"That's different!" Lana bristled.
"Not really," Cyril said.
"Cows are domesticated creatures bred for human consumption," Lana pointed out. "We're talking about animals like minks, foxes and ermines that belong in the wild."
"Again, a lot of animal rights people don't see the distinction," Ray said. "But speaking as a man who grew up on a farm and spent a lot of his early years hunting and trapping with his family part of me kind of agrees with Ms. Archer."
"WHAT?" Lana looked at him.
"Lana you knew my family was poor and I grew up in West Virginia!" Ray snapped. "My family hunted wild animals not just for their meat but to sell their pelts. To survive! Those furs we sold put food on the table and clothes on our backs. And I hate to admit it, a lot of fur we sold probably ended up in a rich bitch's closet like Ms. Archer."
"Even on the farm we made furs," Pam said. "I mean it was mostly leather. But we were slaughtering those cows for their meat anyway so why waste good material? In fact, we used all the parts of the cow."
"All the parts?" Cyril gasped. "Like hooves and everything?"
"Yup," Pam nodded. "Ground up cow organs make pretty damn good fertilizer or extra dog food."
"What about the hooves?" Lana asked.
"Keratin," Pam said. "A byproduct used in fire extinguishers, shampoos, gels and glue. Cheryl squealed like a pig when she learned that little bit of information. By the way has anyone seen her today?"
"Do you care?" Ray asked.
"No," Pam shrugged. "Just making conversation."
"Look I'm only saying we shouldn't kill animals if we don't need to!" Lana said. "I mean you don't eat mink!"
"Actually…" Pam began.
"Seriously?" Lana asked.
"What does it taste like?" Cyril asked.
"Kind of mink-ish," Pam shrugged. "But I get what you're saying Lana. Nobody really even wants to wear real fur nowadays."
"I prefer cotton and cashmere myself," Cyril nodded.
"I prefer nothing at all," Pam grinned.
"Even I can't imagine anybody nowadays who would be pro-fur," Ray said.
"You'd be surprised," Lana sighed.
Meanwhile over in Beverly Hills…
"I'd like to thank the Women's Group of Beverly Hills for this emergency meeting," A well dressed older woman in her 60's addressed a small crowd in a large mansion. "As you know I'm Mrs. Millburn Chairwoman of our organization. Mrs. Stanhope my Vice President. And two special guests who are here to discuss the biggest problem we've had since the caviar shortage of 75. Ms. Mallory Archer and Ms. Cheryl and/or Carol Tunt!"
"I'm amazed you volunteered to help Carol," Mallory said to Cheryl over polite applause. "Why?"
"Apparently Tunt Industries now owns twenty percent of the fur business," Cheryl shrugged. "Who knew?"
Mallory shrugged and then turned her attention to the crowd. "Ladies. I am here to address the current crisis. A crisis that threatens our way of life. I'm sure you are all aware about the impending legislation of banning the sale and manufacturing of furs in Los Angeles?"
"WHAT?" Some woman shouted.
"WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?" Another screamed.
"IS THAT WHY MY FURRIER WON'T CALL ME ANYMORE?" Another woman yelled.
"Oh, so some of you aren't aware of this?" Mallory blinked. "Good. I got here in time."
"That can't be right!" Another woman in her sixties with grayish blue hair gasped. "That just can't be right! My favorite fur boutique Forever Stoles is in Los Angeles."
"Ramona," Mrs. Stanhope, a plump woman in purple with immaculate blonde hair looked "Forever Stoles went out of business months ago."
"AND YOU'RE JUST TELLING ME THIS NOW?" Ramona shouted.
"I was wondering why I hadn't gotten any coupons for my birthday," Another woman spoke up.
"Make no mistake Ladies," Mallory spoke. "The wolves of communism and fascism are at the door! Disguised as socialist liberal do-gooders who want everyone to conform to their standards!"
Cheryl spoke up. "Think Mussolini in worse outfits and unable to even get the trains to run on time."
Mallory went on. "I'm trying to protect not only American Values but the entire fur industry! The economy is bad enough but think how devastating it will be if we put sellers and makers of fur coats out of business!"
"Not to mention breeders and trappers," Cheryl added.
"Oh dear," Mrs. Millburn gasped. "I forgot about the people working in the fur business."
"There's always a human cost to these things," Another older woman nodded.
"Do you really want the government telling you what you can wear and what to buy?" Mallory snapped.
"Oh no!" A woman gasped. "I know some politicians! Some of those people are so dreadful!"
"Why don't we just bribe some of them?" Another woman asked. "Politicians are always looking for money for campaigns. George and I went to a fundraiser the other night."
"That was my first thought too," Mallory groaned. "I must have called every representative, senator and congressman in California! But none of those cowards would even listen to me! Not even when I asked what their price range was!"
"Seriously?" Mrs. Stanhope gasped.
"I know right?" Mallory snapped. "Politicians have no problem taking money from the NRA and the tobacco industry, but try to buy their votes for the pro-fur movement and all of the sudden they have scruples!"
"It's got to be Big Cotton," Another woman sighed.
"I agree," Cheryl nodded. "Great Grandfather Tunt said the clothing industry would go to hell once Eli Whitney perfected his machine."
Mallory mocked. "Oh, let's let all the kids get guns and shoot each other in schools while smoking cigarettes and listening to the raps! But God forbid the rights of Minerva Mink are threatened!"
"I do like wraps," Ramona said. "Good sandwiches without that heavy bread."
"Not that kind of wrap Ramona dear," Mrs. Stanhope explained.
"Ms. Archer as I understand it," Mrs. Millburn remarked. "The ban would only apply to the sale and manufacture of furs in Los Angeles. Not possession. Theoretically you could still buy furs, just not in LA."
"You mean I have to go out of town to get my furs?" Some woman shouted.
"Or online," Another woman said.
"Don't bother," A third woman said. "I tried an online store. They couldn't get my size right. And they never seem to black foxes in store. And they never even heard of Peruvian Blue Mink!"
"How could they not hear of Peruvian Blue Mink?" Mrs. Stanhope was stunned.
"All right I admit it's a bit of an inconvenience," Mrs. Millburn said. "But you can still own furs."
"And how long do you think that is gonna last?" Cheryl scoffed.
"If they take our furs what's next?" Mallory spoke passionately. "Our pearls? Our diamonds? Our designer gowns?"
"Not the designer gowns!" Ramona gasped. "They couldn't do that!"
"They can and will if we let them!" Mallory told her. "Unless we stop this now, there's no telling what these people will ban! Next will be a ban on foie gras! Champagne! Caviar!"
"But Mr. Regan promised us he would ban communism!" Ramona shouted.
"You wanna tell her, or should I?" Cheryl said to Mrs. Stanhope.
"Wake up Ladies! It's 1984!" Mallory snapped.
"Is that what year it is?" Cheryl blinked.
"I was referring to the book as a metaphor," Mallory explained. "All George Orwell got wrong were the names! Instead of Big Brother and the Thought Police. He really meant to say You Tube and The Liberal Media!"
"Wow," Cheryl blinked. "George Orwell was ahead of his time."
"Whatever happened to individuality in this country?" Mallory pleaded passionately. "Whatever happened to freedom of expression? Basically, the freedom to express how high our status in society is!"
"She's right!" A woman stood up. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm tired of going out to these dreary little vegetarian restaurants just because my daughter in law won't eat meat! I hate kale! There I said it!"
"I get cold in restaurants," An older woman said. "But I'm afraid to wear my furs in there because someone will spit on me!"
"What about sweaters?" Another woman asked.
"Oh, dear some of those things are tacky," The older woman waved. "I see my servants wear them."
"I had the perfect stole to wear to my son's wedding," Another woman spoke up. "But I was on my way to the ceremony when some hooligan splattered paint on it! I was mortified!"
"See? That's why I carry a gun in my purse," Mallory said. "When a woman of refinement and breeding can't even walk down the street in peace anymore…This is not the America I fought for in the Second World War! Not what our husbands, brothers and sons fought for and died for in the war! Do you want their sacrifices to go to waste?"
"They gave their lives so we can wear nice stuff?" Cheryl added. "Gee I always thought it was for something else…"
"We cannot let our civil liberties go without a challenge!" Mallory added.
"She's right. We can't let this happen," Mrs. Millburn shook her head. "We are with you Ms. Archer! What should we do first?"
"Ooh! A fundraiser!" A woman called out. "I can whip up a fundraiser like nobody's business! Ooh! A fundraising dinner! I have a lovely caterer…"
"Normally I would be all for a fundraising dinner," Mallory said. "And that would be a great idea for a later date. But I'm afraid this calls for more drastic measures."
"What are you suggesting? A fundraising luncheon?" The woman asked.
"I think we need to figure out what name we are going to call ourselves," Another woman spoke up.
"We can call ourselves Furries!" Ramona squealed.
"Uh no," Mallory groaned. "Bad idea Ramona."
"Why? Has someone else taken it?" Ramona asked. Cheryl laughed like crazy.
"This might be harder than I thought," Mallory sighed.
A few days later at the Figgis Agency…
"What are you guys watching?" Lana asked as she walked into the bullpen. Ray, Pam, Cyril and Krieger were watching TV.
"The news," Cyril said. "There's this huge ASPCA protest supporting the ban of sales of fur in Los Angeles."
"What's really shocking is the counter protest," Ray said.
"Counter protest?" Lana asked. "By who? Who would protest an animal rights law? And as I was saying the words I realized the answer."
On the steps of City Hall…
"Two, four, six eight!" Mallory lead a chant using a megaphone while wearing a fur bathing suit. "Wearing fur makes us feel great!"
"Fabulous turnout Ms. Archer," Mrs. Stanhope said. She was wearing a silver mink stole and holding a sign saying FUR POWER! "But why a fur bathing suit?"
"Why not?" Mallory asked. "Raquel Welch wore one."
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"Yeah there's Ms. Archer all right," Krieger pointed. "And I also see Cheryl!"
"WHOOOO!" Cheryl was wearing a red fur bikini holding a sign saying I LOVE THE FUR INDUSTRY! "FURRIES FOREVER! WHOO!"
"Why is Cheryl supporting this?" Lana gasped. "Mallory, I get. But Cheryl?"
"Did you know the Tunt Corporation owns about twenty percent of the fur industry?" Pam asked.
"I did not," Lana admitted.
"It's not that much of a surprise," Ray said. "Considering all those stuffed animals we saw in Tunt Manor…"
"And that one butler," Pam added.
"Tunts do love to kill stuff," Krieger admitted.
"WEARING FUR IS NOT A WASTE!" The Pro Fur Crowd chanted. "DON'T CENSOR US FOR OUR STYLE AND TASTE!"
"It's kind of weird watching the One Percent take to the streets," Lana blinked.
"Some of them are using their servants to picket for them," Pam pointed. "I wonder if they get extra for that?"
"Is that a tea circle over there?" Ray pointed to the corner. "Oh my god! They have scones and everything!"
"WE DON'T CARE IF YOU SCREAM AND SHRIEK!" Mallory led a chant. "DON'T HATE US BECAUSE WE ARE SO CHIC!"
"FREAK OUT!" Cheryl squealed. "Le Freak! Le Chic! Freak out!"
"I should go down there," Lana said. "At the very least provide a counterpoint to Mallory and Cheryl's crazy."
"Honestly Lana," Ray mused. "If I were you I'd let this play out."
"What do you mean Ray?" Lana asked.
"Think about it," Ray gave her a look. "The best weapon the Anti-Fur Movement has right now is Ms. Archer leading the Pro-Fur Movement."
"He's got a point," Pam paused.
Back to the protest…
"What do we want?" Mallory called out on her bullhorn.
"THE RIGHT TO BUY AND WEAR FURS!" Her people shouted.
"When do we want it?" Mallory asked.
"NOW! IF YOU DON'T MIND!"
"What?" Mallory asked.
"Well there is such a thing as manners," Ramona spoke up.
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Someone should teach them some!" Mallory glared at the Anti-Fur demonstrators across from them.
"Or at the very least get them a tailor," Mrs. Millburn said, scandalized as many of the demonstrators were naked and standing behind a long banner saying I'D RATHER GO NAKED THAN WEAR FUR!
"Don't let them rattle you!" Mallory warned. "I told you they'd stoop to tactics like this!"
"I know but my goodness," Ramona gasped.
"This is unbelievable," Mrs. Stanhope gasped.
"Put some clothes on you hippies!" Mallory shouted through the megaphone.
"YOU FIRST!" A woman shouted. "PLEASE!"
"Some of you wish you had a body this good!" Mallory shouted.
"Is that why you're wearing a fur bikini?" Mrs. Stanhope asked.
"Well you need to use shock tactics to fight shock tactics," Mallory said. "Here comes the media. Let me do the talking."
A familiar red-haired reporter made her way over to them. "This is Grace Ryan live from City Hall! Animal rights protesters are nothing new in this city. But today, on the cusp of the vote for the fur ban…Another group puts an opposing viewpoint. Ma'am who are you and what does your group represent?"
"I'm Mallory Archer," Mallory grinned. "Head of the Archer Agency…"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"THE ARCHER AGENCY?" Cyril shouted.
"Really? This is what you have a problem with?" Krieger asked.
"She just covered our asses, Cyril," Ray said. "Chill!"
Back to the interview…
"As well as the founder and leader of HOOF," Mallory added.
"HOOF?" Grace blinked.
"Hands Off Our Furs!" Mallory said. "And yes. We are aware of the irony of what the acronym spells out."
Mallory went on. "This whole bill is the government nanny state getting out of control! Just because you don't agree with something doesn't mean you have to ban it! Why can't people live and let live?"
"THAT'S OUR POINT YOU CRAZY BITCH!" An anti-fur protester shouted.
"This anti-fur amendment is also part of a trend of Rich Shaming," Mallory explained. "This attitude in society to look down on people who have more money and are better bred than they are!"
"Better what?" Grace blinked.
"This protest says it's okay to be rich again," Mallory looked into the camera. "Rich Pride is rich with pride! Who wants to be like everyone else? They're not good enough to be in your country club anyway!"
"Tell them about the economic hardships Mallory!" Ramona said.
"I'm getting to that Ramona," Mallory said. "This ban will hurt the economy!"
"So, you'd rather hurt animals?" Someone shouted.
"If it meant more jobs and better lives I'd skin you!" Mallory snapped. "These Gestapo tactics and anti-fur staged propaganda do more harm than good! Stores have the right to sell what they want and cater to customers! Especially if those customers want and can afford the very best!"
"Buy fur!" Cheryl popped up. "Especially Tunt Fur! Tunt Fur! The best fur you'll ever wear!"
"People like my good friend Carol Tunt who own fur companies will be affected by this law!" Mallory said. "Not just her! But the people who work under her!"
"I'd love to have some hunky guy under me! WHOO!" Cheryl popped up. "Phrasing boom!"
"People will lose their jobs if this law passes!" Mallory went on. "Stores are already having enough trouble keeping open!"
"Most stores no longer sell fur anyway!" A woman from the anti-fur protest group shouted.
"The fur industry is part of the fashion industry!" Mallory added.
"Fake fur creates more jobs than real fur!" A man from the anti-fur protest group called out.
"There's no proof of that and you know it!" Mallory snapped. "Fake news!"
"Animals are renewable resources," Cheryl spoke up. "And better for the environment! Why buy fake fur? Get real Tunt Fur! Tunt Fur! It's real! Go on! Buy my furs so I can have more money!"
"Hang on," Grace Ryan blinked. "Aren't you Cheryl Tunt the billionaire?"
"She is today," Mallory groaned.
"You're already rich. And make a huge profit off of several other industries," Grace Ryan said. "Why do you need to make more money off of furs?"
"I like making money," Cheryl said.
"Since when is that a crime in this country?" Mallory snapped.
"Making money off of another creature's pain and suffering should be illegal!" Another anti-fur woman shouted.
"Then start with the divorce lawyers," Mallory shouted. "Animals are a renewable resource!"
"Not if you murder them all!" A man from the anti-fur protest shouted.
"Okay…" Cheryl said. "I know we've made a few mistakes in the past. The Tunts are technically responsible for the extinction of the Tasmanian Tiger. But so many people wanted real Tunt Tasmanian Tiger slippers!"
"Well that's just supply and demand," Mallory said. "In hindsight you should have charged a lot more."
"And yes, we were also responsible for the death of the Quagga," Cheryl went on. "Again, women really loved those striped pocketbooks. But come on! You can't destroy an entire industry over a few little mistakes!"
"You call wiping out two species from the earth for the sake of profit little mistakes?" The first anti-fur woman shouted.
"Well technically it's more like fifty-seven," Cheryl added. "But only thirty-seven of those were related to the fur trade. The rest was just hunting. What? My family loves to hunt and kill things! I've got half a dozen dead stuffed animals that are extinct in Tunt Manor alone!"
"I think we're getting off track," Mallory shoved Cheryl aside. "Our point is that the fur industry is a noble one. A respectable one. One that takes pride in its work."
"And if this law passes a hundred and twenty-five people in this city will be put out of work," Cheryl added. "Not counting the sales people. They can just go sell something else in another department."
"This law only affects a hundred and twenty-five people?" Grace shouted.
An anti-fur man shouted. "More people lost their jobs when Bon-Ton closed! And I don't mean the whole company. I mean that one Bon-Ton store in the local mall when it closed!"
"Well more than that if you count all the illegals that are used to skin the beasts and take care of them," Mallory said.
Loud boos were heard from the other side. "Oh what?" Mallory snapped. "I thought you people were all for illegals taking American jobs! Which is it?"
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"Huh," Lana blinked. "You called it Ray."
"Told you," Ray nodded.
Back to the protest…
"GO TO HELL CRUELLA DEVILE!" An anti-fur advocate shouted.
"She's a fashion icon as well as a successful businesswoman!" Mallory shouted back. "NOT AN INSULT!"
"Fur is Murder!" Someone shouted and a splash of red paint was thrown.
Mallory pushed Grace into the front of her. "HEY!" Grace shouted as the red paint splashed her.
"See what I mean? You can't reason with these people!" Mallory pulled out her gun. "This is the only thing they understand!"
"She's got a gun!" Someone screamed.
"Try and splash paint on me! See what happens!" Mallory snarled as she pointed her weapon at the anti-fur protestors.
"You assholes!" Grace shouted at the protestors. "This is cashmere!"
"These people are animals!" Mrs. Stanhope gasped.
"They're the ones who should be shot like animals!" Mallory waved her gun.
"SHE'S GOT A GUN! STAND DOWN! STAND DOWN!" Some security officers rushed over and pointed a gun at Mallory.
"I'm just defending myself!" Mallory shouted. "Tell them to put their paint down!"
From out of nowhere a splash of red paint flew through the air. Some of it hit one of the police officers. "OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN!" He shouted as he fired his gun into the air by accident.
Mallory then fired her gun over the heads of the anti-fur protestors. "YOU THINK I'M BLUFFING?"
"CHARGE!" Cheryl shouted as she ran over and tackled some anti-fur protestors just as Mallory fired her weapon. Some of the anti-fur people charged at the pro-fur people.
"GET THE GUN! GET THE GUN!" A police officer grabbed Mallory and tried to twist her gun away.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" Mallory resisted. "THEY'RE THE ONES YOU SHOULD ARREST! NOT ME!"
Then more anti-fur protestors charged and clashed with the pro-fur protestors. "OUTLAW FUR INDUSTRY! WHOOO!" Cheryl squealed as she fought with a naked male protestor.
Back at the Figgis Agency…
"And that's how a riot happened," Lana groaned as the melee was covered on the news.
"This will not help her cause," Ray said dryly.
"I'll go get the bail money," Cyril sighed as he went to his office.
"You must be glad she said Archer Agency instead of Figgis Agency now!" Krieger called out.
"I'll be glad the day I never see those crazy bitches ever again," Cyril grumbled. "Preferably at their funerals…"
Later…
"So are you going to spring Thelma and Louise?" Pam asked as Cyril emerged from his office.
"Bad news," Cyril said. "I'm afraid they're all going to have to stay in jail overnight."
"Since when is Ms. Archer and Cheryl in jail bad news?" Ray snickered.
"They could use a time out," Pam agreed.
Cyril glared at them. "Ms. Archer and Cheryl…Our only paying client are locked up in jail on charges of inciting a riot and resisting arrest! This is not a good thing for us!"
"They and the other protestors are white and rich," Lana gave Cyril a look. "Something tells me the charges are gonna get dropped."
Meanwhile at the local jail…
"I hate it when this happens," Mallory groaned as she stood in a jail cell with her fellow pro-fur members.
"ATTICA! ATTICA!" Cheryl hung on the bars screaming. "ATTICA!"
"Oh, give it a rest, Hapless Richards!" Mallory shouted.
"Well this is just dreadful," Mrs. Stanhope sniffed.
"When do they bring us fresh linens and a guest menu?" Ramona asked.
"Honey, you'd better sit down for this," Mallory groaned.
"On these benches?" Ramona pointed. "No thank you! It looks like the maid hasn't dusted in months!"
"I think I just figured out why Lana stopped being an activist," Mallory groaned.