A/N: The usual disclaimer apply, of course. This is a sequel to Where Love Has Gone (so I didn't kill him again, guys), so be warned, it's not a happy story...I can't promise this will get updated as quickly as I normally update because it's so difficult to write, but I will do my best...
Mike Logan had never believed in ghosts. Sure he believed in an afterlife, in heaven and hell, but he never believed the spirits of the dead remained among the living...until Bobby Goren died. At first, he thought it was a figment of his imagination, a failure of his rational mind to accept the big guy's death. Sometimes, when he was alone in his apartment, before he turned the TV on, he would swear he heard his voice. He wasn't saying anything...just...letting him know he was there. Making sure he was taking care of Alex, most likely. "Yes, Bobby," he would tell thin air. "I swear I'm taking care of her."
And at night, when he dwelled in that misty land between wakefulness and sleep, that was when Bobby paid a real visit. He could see his friend, and he looked good...relaxed, almost happy...waiting, in his ever-patient way, for Alex to join him. Of course, he'd convinced himself that he was imagining things. It couldn't be real. It was just his mind playing tricks on him.
But the visits never stopped.
Bobby was gone, and yet he never really left her. Those times when she should have felt most alone, she didn't. Deep in the night, snuggled down into the bed she had shared with him, her heart would ache. She would long for the touch of his skin against hers, the warmth of his breath tickling her neck...and, closing her eyes, she could feel him there. A soft whisper of a breath sighing gently past her ear, the whiff of his cologne in her nostrils, the sensation of warmth along her back where he used to lay against her, holding her, protecting her, loving her. On those nights, she slept. She didn't have to cry herself to sleep, didn't feel that achy emptiness that haunted her most of the time. No, on those nights, he was with her, and she allowed herself to pretend he had never died.
She always regretted that the next morning, because the reality of her life hit her with a harder blow than before. Every time. She never thought it possible to miss him more, or to hurt more because he was gone, but she did. Every time.
Eames flipped through the file on her desk, but she wasn't seeing the words or the pictures. Looking up at her partner, she was struck, again, by the profound sense of loss that had been with her since Bobby had been killed. Her throat closed up and she couldn't talk, so she dropped her eyes back to the file, which blurred before her. "Hey, Alex?" came a voice from over her shoulder.
Swallowing the lump in her throat, she looked over her shoulder at Mike Logan. "What?" she managed.
"It's lunchtime. Would you have lunch with me? That is, if your partner doesn't mind."
Pete Delaney shook his head. "Be my guest. I am bogged down with paperwork, anyway. Bring me back a sandwich."
"Pastrami on rye?" Eames asked.
Pete smiled sadly at her. "Whatever you need to bring me back, Alex."
Pastrami on rye...that was Bobby's... "Oh, Pete...I'm sorry. Ham and swiss."
She grabbed her jacket and headed for the elevators. Logan followed her. He slipped a comforting arm over her shoulders and lowered his head to hers. "Shall we take a long lunch?"
"Can we?"
"Sure. Wait just a sec while I tell Barek and Delaney."
He disappeared from her side and she leaned against the wall, waiting for him. Six months today, she realized. It was six months since her partner, her lover, had died in her arms in a dark alley, a cop killer's bullet in his chest. His was the last life that killer had taken. And she just was not having any success moving on, getting past the grief, the loss and the emptiness his death had left her with. Her grief was still as raw as it had been six months ago, when she'd had to say good-bye.
Logan was back. "Let's go."
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She dropped to her knees on the thick, trimmed grass beside the marble headstone. Lightly she ran her fingers over the name carved in it, and she couldn't stop the tears anymore. "It doesn't get any easier, Bobby," she whispered, pressing her head against the marble.
Did you think it would? came his voice on the autumn breeze.
She closed her eyes as the scent of his cologne came to her on the soft wind that blew around her. And again, in her mind's eye, she could see him, sitting beside her and leaning back against the marble that bore his name. She shook her head. "I try to get through even one day without thinking about you, and I can't. And every day hurts just as much as it did the day I lost you."
Lost me? Eames, you never lost me. You never will.
"Damn you, Bobby. You always tell me that, but it's not the same! I can't feel your hands on my skin, or your breath in my ear. Damn it, I can't make love to a ghost."
I'm sorry, Alex. I can't fix that. All I can do is wait for you. All I can say is that I love you. If you need more, I can't give you that. But I'm in your heart and I always will be.
"I don't need anything but you. It's not the loving I miss...it's you loving me. It's you I miss."
Don't cry, baby. Please.
"But it hurts. How am I supposed to do this?"
I don't know. I just know you have to find a way.
"You're no help, Goren."
I try, Alex. I really do. But I can't touch you. I can't be with you. And I do want to be.
"Life sucks, Bobby."
So does death, without you. A soft laugh, and she smiled.
"It's been six months, today."
That's all? It feels like forever.
"It sure does."
Mike takes care of you, doesn't he?
"As much as I'll let him."
Let him, Alex. For me. I need to know they're taking care of you.
"You should be here doing it, dammit."
I did my job. She could almost hear that defensive tone he got when she yelled at him for doing something he thought he had to do.
"I know you did. I just wish you hadn't done it so well. Then I could be with you."
Don't say that.
"It's true. You just had to go and be a hero."
There was nothing heroic about what I did. It was purely selfish.
"You gave your life in the line of duty. That's one of the definitions of hero."
But the only thing I could think of was that I couldn't live without you.
"So you left me behind to live without you. Thanks a lot."
Don't ask me to apologize. I'm not sorry. Not this time.
"I know you're not. What is it they say...'No greater love...'? "
'No greater love hath any man than that he lay down his life for his friends.' And I do love you, Alex.
"I know. I love you, too, Bobby. Maybe I just wish you had loved me a little less so I wouldn't have had to say good-bye so soon. I guess I'd better get back to work. The bad guys keep on coming." She opened her eyes and kissed his headstone. Softly she said, "Please...keep coming to me at night. I hate waking up, but I sleep so much better."
A soft breeze whispered past her cheek. I will. The scent of his cologne faded away, but the tingle on her lips from his kiss remained. She headed to the car, where Logan waited patiently. She climbed into the passenger seat and looked at him. "Do you still need a roommate?"
His eyebrows rose curiously. "Only if it's you."
She nodded. "Okay, then."
He'd been trying to get her to leave her lonely, empty apartment and move in with him since Bobby died. He didn't want anything from her but to take care of her. The last thing he wanted was to be haunted by Goren's ghost. "What changed?"
"He told me to let you take care of me."
Logan smiled. "He's right. We don't want you being alone. Physically you can take care of yourself, and we all know that. Emotionally, you need someone to lean on. You know you do. It'll be easier for me when you're in the next room instead of across town."
She sighed. "Sure, let's make it easier for you, Logan."
"You know what I mean."
She just smiled. There, Bobby, she thought. Happy?
To her surprise, his voice answered, Yes.
tbc...