She was my life…
The first time I saw him, I was sitting at the head table during the sorting ceremony, it was like James Potter all over again, resurrected from the dead to be sorted in Gryffindor and ruin my life.
Because Potter lived in him.
But Lily would stay dead.
Always dead.
I think I began to hate him, that moment, the boy Lily gave her life for.
The first time I was near him, was during potions, was like a punch in the gut.
Lilys eyes in Potters face, in his face!
I couldn't help it, couldn't stop myself, I had to know who he was.
So I asked him questions, questions that were beginning and end, last chance and the definition of our new relationship.
Lily would have known, I told myself, Lily had always been outstanding in potions.
But in his answer, I only heard James Potter.
This was the moment the both of them, Harry and James Potter became one person in my mind. But this Potter I could control, I could restrain, because now I had the power and he was helpless.
I could get my revenge.
From this moment on, everything went downhill and right to hell, our mutual hate for each other grew from year to year, till his fifth…
When he sneaked into my memories in the pensieve… I wanted to throttle, poison, curse him…!
Because the son had seen, what the father did to me.
Because James Potter was back.
Because I still had to protect him.
Because I would have done it either way. For Lily. Everything for Lily.
The only woman I could ever love.
Everything for Lily.
Always.
When Potter immersed himself in that pensive, he forced me to remember the worst time of my life again. The grief I caused Lily and my stupid dependence on the dark arts and the death eaters ended our friendship that day.
My weakness.
I remember it all.
One moment of rage and hurt and weakness made me push my only friend, my love away.
Although I often apologized she could never really forgive me, could never really trust me again.
And how could she?
Neither of us could change – wanted to change – who and what we were.
Lily often cried during that time and I knew it was my fault.
I never forgave myself.
It made me hate Potter even more, because it was him and his friends, that pushed me over that edge, that made me hurt Lily.
Than he comforted her, took my place, became her friend and in our last year, her love.
I hated him.
I hated myself.
And then she died.
I couldn't protect Lily, on the contrary.
For a long time I thought this would be my penance, to watch over her son, see her eyes in Potters face.
Lily lives in her son. I know now.
He can't die, he has to die, he has to decide.
I have to give him the memories, he has to know…
"Take… it… Take… it…"
Some say, if you die, you see your life flash before your eyes.
I see only her, only Lily.
Of course, she was my life.
"Look… at… me…"
Her eyes.
I drown in green.
Lily…