She saw nothing.
That scared Janis the most. Regardless of how many times she ignored the thought, threw herself into battle, smiled it up and told a joke for the sake of the crew, her mind always lingered around that sole thought. That realization that spit in the face of everything she had learned, denied, secretly hoped for, and lost.
She. Saw. Nothing.
There was no God. There was no heaven or hell, and the parents she'd lost on Mindoir weren't waiting for her on the other side. Her mother wasn't there to sing to her and she never felt her father's arm. And it would always be that way. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. A void. A flick of the switch. One moment she was dying. The next, she was waking up with the feeling of fear coursing through her veins.
She saw nothing.
Janis sat at her desk, a glass of brandy in her hands, and this was on her mind again. She sipped the alcohol as her mind delved into thought and regret. She was alone, the awful music from her console being shut off hours ago in exchange from silence, and it left her with only herself, her brandy, and him.
Him.
She stared at his picture in front of her. That cocky smirk that never left his lips being both something she despised and missed at this moment. When she had first saw that Cerberus has left his image in her cabin, she had felt angry- No, sickened. They were just spitting her past in her face in some attempt to make her feel more at home.
Her grip tightened on the glass and she closed her eyes. She ran a hand over her brow as she slouched back in her seat. She took another sip from her brandy, swished it around his lips, and then just leaned her head back, letting gravity do the rest.
Kaidan.
She remembered when they first met. Or rather, she remembered when she first noticed him. Standing over Jenkin's body on Eden Prime, she remembered how she felt his eyes searching hers for answers. At the time, she had thought he was looking for orders or maybe guidance in how to handle the situation. Yet… Maybe that wasn't the case. Perhaps he was looking for emotions? A hint of sadness over the soldiers death? Proof that his CO wasn't the ruthless soldier.. That she was more than just the 'Butcher of Torfan'.
Janis blinked, her jaw stiffening as she forced her eyes away from the picture. Even if it was just an image, she didn't need to see his face when she cried. Nor did she want to cry. She was a Spectre. She was a hero. She was the Butcher of Torfan.
And yet…
The glass dropped to the ground as she leaned forward, holding her face in her hands. A shuddered gasp escaped her lips as her shoulders slumped forward as the anger in her body turned to tears. It was a dramatic sight- She knew this. And she hated herself for crying, but in the end, she needed it.
She saw -nothing-. And without Kaidan, she felt like nothing.
"Fuckin' pussy," she choked out through grated teeth as she slammed her fist on top of the desk. It was a psychological tool she'd learned after Mindoir. Insults built anger and anger built courage. She wasn't that defenseless -bitch- that allowed the batarians to kill her friends and family. She wasn't that teenage girl hiding in the gutter with the sludge and the trash. She was Janis Shepard. First human Specter. Hero. The Butcher of Torfan.
And she was alone.
She pushed herself from the desk, her chair falling back to the ground. Her hands moved from wiping the tears away to clutching her hair as she tried to hurt herself enough to stop feeling like a victim. And yet with the look Kaidan gave her on Horizon, it was a unobtainable goal.
Kaidan had looked at her on Horizon. And it wasn't searching her eyes for answers or emotions. It was a man looking at another in attempt to find some humanity in an empty shell. Cerberus rebuilt her and thought her complete. Many of her friends never questioned her and were just delighted to think she was back and complete. Kaidan, though… Kaidan had looked into her eyes and she knew he saw nothing.
Janis let go of her hair and took hold of the console on the desk. With a shriek, she pulled it away, the wires ripping from behind it, and she smashed it to the ground. A heel came down to finish off the flickering light.
She was dead. She was back but she was not complete and that is why he didn't come with her. And that is why she didn't want him too. For the fifteen years following Mindoir, she was fine with being a walking corpse. It made it simple to be the good soldier. It made it easier to take aim at those pleading batarians and pull the trigger. Hell, it made it easier to enjoy the little things like that. But when Kaidan woke her up… God damn'it!
She took hold of the chair behind her and lifted it high over head. With a scream, she sent it sailing through the glass display to her left. The chair sailed clean, the model ships never standing a chance. All were broken. All were grounded.
He had woken her up. He had held her when she cried. He had helped her face the demons of hiding as she heard her parents beg for their lives. They had kissed. They had fucked. They had fallen in love. It was because of this connection that she had realized she needed to save the Council. It was because of his gaze that she questioned putting a bullet into the head of anyone in her way.
She pulled her pistol from her side and aimed it towards the picture now, her grip tightening. For the first time, her weapon shook in her grasp as she stared at the image. Those eyes. That smirk. Kaidan. The one she loved and the one that had left her.
"Fuck you," she hissed as she stepped closer, the pistol inches from the image. All she needed to do was pull the trigger. Fire the shot. Obliterate the picture and end this torment. She could return to being the walking corpse. Hell, that was what the galaxy needed at this point to fight the Collectors. A simple squeeze of the trigger and it would all be gone.
His eyes.
His lips.
His breath on her ear as he refused to let her sleep.
Her laughter.
Her smile.
Her happiness at the idea of being alive with this man.
A minute passed. Finally, the pistol lowered before just clattering to the ground. She felt her knees buckle, and she fell, bringing the picture to the ground with her. She held it to her chest as she curled up. She was beyond tears at this point, a depression that forfeited them for despair.
"Kaidan?" She whispered. "I never got to tell you…"
She had been too nervous. To annoyed with herself. With the Reapers, the Geth, the galaxy needing a hero, she had been so careless with him. Yet, she had been hopeful. Almost happy? She had delayed telling him, reminding herself that she had a mission.
"I was pregnant."
She saw nothing.
And Janis knew the child she had lost was now nothing.
Janis remained on the floor until Joker called informing her they were nearing Mnemosyne.