Ye Ol' Author's Note: This story was written for the Houses Competition 2019
House: Gryffindor
Year: 3
Category: Standard
Prompt: [Event] Losing a Child
Word Count: 1529
Be Ye Warned: This story includes a miscarriage.
—A.R. Templar
Innocent
Lily Potter clutched her stomach and rocked herself. She could not comprehend nor accept what she had seen; this wasn't supposed to be how it went. Pain, sorrow, loss, blood, death, those were supposed to come from evil things like murder, torture, or war, not from something beautiful like pregnancy. She looked at her face in the mirror; how was she going to tell James? He was so excited when she told him that she was pregnant. He literally flew all the way to Sirius' to share the news. They had not made the pregnancy public, only the Marauders knew, but that did not hinder anyone's enthusiasm. They spent hours together thinking of names; Sarah, or Morgana, for a girl, for a boy they talked about Harry, after her father, or George. Sirius continuously pushed for Barsanuphius.
James wanted a girl, he had been adamant about the fact to the point that everyone accepted the fact that the baby was indeed a girl. He'd wake up in the morning, lean down to her belly, which had only just started to swell, and whisper, "good morning, little princess," before looking back up and kissing Lily on the lips. He'd come home from work or Order missions and ask, "how are my girls?" not even through the first trimester, and already he was an amazing father. Lily heard the sound of flames in the fireplace, announcing someone had just flooed into the house.
"Lily!" Remus' voice called out.
Lily quickly rubbed her eyes, trying to rid the red puffiness and tear stains. "I'm in here, Remus." She said through her cracked voice.
Remus peeked into her bedroom. "Lils? Oh Merlin, what's wrong?"
So much for hiding her tears. "Nothing, Remus, just hormones."
He shook his head and chuckled. "I'll never understand how—I smell blood! Merlin's beard, Lily, what happened?" Concern filled his face as he knelt in front of her. She could not help it, tears spilled from her eyes as she shook her head.
"Talk to me, Lily."
"I lost the baby!" She sobbed, "My stomach was really upset, and I was worried then…then I contracted this morning...and, Remus, I miscarried!"
Remus' arms engulfed her shaking body, gently stroking her hair soothingly.
"Ssshhh." He cooed. "It'll be alright, Lily."
"How can it? My baby is dead, Remus, dead. Dead before she could even draw breath, her tiny heart only just started beating." She clutched his back, fingers digging into his shoulder blades. "I held her tiny body in my hand. She was so tiny, Remus, so tiny… so tiny."
Remus just held her to him as she cried. After what felt like hours, her tears dried and her cries grew silent, but still he held her, absorbing her pain into his body and whispering comforts into her distraught ears.
Lily was lost. How could she possibly be expected to go on after this? From the moment she realized she was pregnant, her entire existence was centred around the beautiful, little girl growing inside of her. She felt the literal emptiness inside of her. A dark chasm, cold and clammy, void of life. How was she supposed to come to terms with the fact that she would never hold her baby, never nurse her child to sleep, never hear the tiny cries, never hear the giggles as her daddy tickled her baby belly.
How could she tell James? Oh Merlin, James! He left the day before on a mission with Sirius. Her husband, the father of her baby. Her sweet baby. Her dead baby. James!
"He'll be home tonight, Lily." Remus spoke softly.
Had she said his name out loud? She must have. James, he'll be grief stricken. Will he blame her? Of course, he would, who else is there to blame? It was her job as a mother to bear the baby full term and give birth to a healthy child. She killed her baby.
"I'm sorry, James, I'm so sorry."
"Ssh, it's not your fault, Lils." Remus soothed.
"It is my fault." She sobbed. "He'll be angry. I killed his baby. What kind of monster kills her own child?"
"You did not kill her, Lily. You are not a monster. Prongs loves you. You mean the world to him."
"He's going to leave me. How can he love me if I can't even keep his baby?"
"James is not going to leave." Remus said sternly, holding her at arm's length, looking into her eyes. "He'll love you because you are a wonderful woman, who loved her child fully, and who still loves her even in death. The fact that you feel as much pain as you do just proves that you are the furthest thing from a monster: You're a mother, and always will be. You were as perfect a mother to your baby as you could be, and you will be to many more children."
She sniffed. "But—"
"There's no buts, Lily, you can't control these things. As horrific as they are, as much as we want to change them, they are out of our hands." His thumb wiped away tears from her eyes, his hazel eyes stared intently into her emerald irises. "All we can do is grow and continue to live."
"I'm—" she hiccoughed. "I'm afraid, Remus."
"Of what?"
"What will this do to our marriage? We've only been married for a couple months, I…I conceived on our honeymoon."
"I know, Lils, trust me when I say nothing is going to change. James loves you, I don't
know how many times I need to remind you, he loves you more than anything, and nothing, nothing is going to change that." Remus sat down on the bed and pulled her close to him.
"Trust me on this. Trust James."
They stayed wrapped in each other's embrace all morning and late into the afternoon. Remus offered to make her lunch, but she was not hungry. He did not push her, he just held her. A short while later she fell asleep; when she woke and stood from her bed, Remus was gone, and the sun was beginning to set. She took a shower, and let the hot water spray over her body, as if it could wash away the pain. Turning the water off, she dried, dressed in one of James' sweaters and some baggy shorts, made a cup of tea and curled up on the sofa waiting for James to come home.
It was almost eight o'clock when James apparated onto the front porch. He came behind the sofa and hugged Lily, around the neck, "Hello, beautiful." He kissed her on the cheek. "How are my girls?"
Lily's fractured heart shattered even more at those words, and she lost all resolve.
"I'm sorry, James, I'm so sorry." She hid her face in her hands as tears flowed down her cheeks. Any composure she had gained from Remus that morning was thrown out the window.
James ran around to face her. "Lily, what's wrong?" He pulled her hands away from her and looked her in the eye. "What's the matter, love?"
"I—I lost the baby."
James froze, her words struck him with the force of a giant's fist. She waited for him to react in some way, to yell at her, to storm off leaving her forever. Finally, he pulled her into his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Lily, so, so sorry."
"Why—why are you sorry?" She sniffed.
"She was your baby."
"She was yours too."
"Yes, but you're the one who was carrying her. You were closer to her than I will ever be." He sat next to her, rubbing circles on her back, and kissed the top of her head, "I love you, Lily."
"I—I love you too." She leaned on his shoulder. "She was so tiny."
"You—you held her?"
Lily nodded her head as best as she could.
"Where is she?"
Lily rubbed the cuff of her sleeve over her eyes, inhaling a ragged breath. "I wrapped her in a towel, she's—she's still on the bathroom counter."
James kissed her hair, stood up, and took her hand in his. "Come with me, Lils."
She complied and followed James into the bathroom. Taking out his wand, James transfigured the towel wrapping the tiny body into a miniscule coffin. Taking the oakwood box in his hands, he walked outside into the back garden. Kneeling down by the back fence, he began digging with his hands. Lily knelt beside him, stroking the coffin.
Once he was satisfied with the depth of the hole, James lowered the tiny coffin to the ground. With a wave of his wand, he filled the hole, forming a small mound of dirt. Another spell transfigured a stick into a cross with a quote from the bible across it:
"Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee;
and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee."
James wrapped an arm around Lily as they knelt there in the garden silently. As the evening became night, they slowly rose from the ground.
"Rest well, little princess." James whispered. "Mummy and Daddy love you."