21 May 2012

Letter of Peace

Dear Elwin Lepellier,

Leper, it's Gene. Who else right? I'm just going to get to the point, then. Well, I never forgot what happened at Devon. I don't know if anyone really can forget it, but I came to the realization the other day that we never made up for how we treated you. I know now that it was wrong, but so many things were going on that year, what with the war, and Finny. It doesn't excuse it, I know, but you also did kinda leave us. Leper, you were one of our best mates over the summer. We were all in the Super Suicide Society of the Summer Session together, and after Finny-well, you know-we all broke apart. The society was dissolved. But, it shouldn't have been that way. Leper, you shouldn't have enlisted. We should have done something. But, that's just treating you like the fool again, like you didn't know what you were doing.

Leper, you knew the truth, yet, none no one ever confronted you with what really happened. After so many years of reliving the past, I just need to tell someone. I can't think of anyone better to tell than good ole' Leper, if you still want to be, I mean. My friend, I guess. I don't know how you are now, or even who you are, but the Devon part of me never left, so I'm hoping you're somewhat the same too.

Everyone knew Finny and I were best friends. It was never contested, and I wonder that I ever doubted it at first. That I had thought that Finny, of all people, was jealous of my grades. Yeah, I was really paranoid like that. But we know it wasn't like that. I learned that eventually, too. I learned a lot that year, and almost none of it had to do with school, either.

Look, Leper, I'm... I'm not apologizing that I put you in that spot with Brinker. To apologize would be to take it all back, and even with how it ended, I can't. I am, though, grateful you never acted as judge at the make-shift trial. I know you didn't do it for me, I didn't deserve it, but that doesn't stop the feeling. Brinker was wrong in a lot of things, but I gotta tell you the one part he got right.

You're going to hate me for it.

I don't know how you'll react, Leper, but I feel like you already know. I play that night, the one where Brinker and his gang took Phineas and I to the auditorium to figure out the truth, over and over again; it never ends. So, going over it, you had to have known, right? Leper, you knew? God, I don't get why I'm asking you questions. You can't answer me right now, seeing as I'm the one with the letter. But, I think you do know, or at least suspect, so that's how I'm going to be able to tell you this.

I pushed Finny off the tree.

God, Leper, I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to. And, in the end, it didn't even matter. It was just an impulse, alright? You know this right? You can forgive me? I don't really expect it, I don't deserve it, but I just need you to talk to me. And people that hate each other don't talk. Not like I need to now.

He forgave me for it. At first, I think, at least a little. He didn't want to have anything to do with it. That's the part no one else knew, except for me and Finny. That I confessed to pushing him, and he denied it. I found out that day Finny will always be better than most people. And, I swear it wasn't on purpose.

One of the worst things, though, is that I don't really care if you can forgive me or not. Finny was the only one that mattered, and now, well, now I'm just trying to make sense of it. I'm trying to find a lesson in all of it, because it can't have been for nothing. Not Finny. Finny always made things mean something, and he meant too much to me.

Leper, what really did happen in the army? I know I said back then that I never wanted to know, that I didn't want to hear it, that it had nothing to do with me, but now I feel like it had to do with everyone. I'm trying to understand... The war made us all funny, even if you were the only one in it while we were in school. Phineas didn't think there was a war, by the way. He made it all one big joke. Until you came back, that is. After that, the game was over. After that, it was all about the war, on the outside anyways. On the inside was that ordeal with Brinker and Brinker's crew and Finny. But I don't have to tell you about that.

His version was so much different, and I know there's something in that that I'm missing. It was so, Finny. Everything Phineas did was utterly true to himself. But with the war, when you see Brinker, and the rest of us, and you, you see how the war took us in. But with Finny, it was different. The war didn't overtake Finny, Finny worked to absorb it a little at a time. The war took us in, and we went against it. I told Finny that once, that he wouldn't be good in a war. He'd never fit in. He'd try and start a picnic over in neutral territory, only to figure out that there is no neutral territory, 'cause there's no one else that thinks like Finny did.

There will never be anyone else.

Leper, you might just chuck this letter in the trash, or rip it in anger, or in pain or some other useless stuff like that, but if you think I wouldn't want to talk to you, you're dead wrong. Write me a letter back.

How are you, anyways? We only ever talked after the incident a bit, and you ran away. You're better, I hope? I remember you as the naturalist, but that Leper's gone forever, isn't he? Just like the Gene I was with Finny is gone, and I'd be willing to bet the rest of the Devon group isn't the same anymore either. We all changed, we all grew into the war, whether we wanted to or not. Finny's lucky, 'cause he never got the chance.

I was afraid a lot. I was afraid they would start drafting, and the older kids would leave us to fend for ourselves. I was afraid after I turned eighteen I'd be drafted, and I'd leave Finny alone. I was afraid that he'd leave me. I was afraid I wasn't enough to hold Finny to me. I was afraid of disappointing Finny, but that didn't stop me from doing it. It's the same thing, like when I was afraid of Finny's achievements, and I made him out to be the worst. After the tree, I was always afraid of what I could do. Phineas needed me, but he was so much more of a better person than I was.

Leper, how did you deal with the fear?

The summer holds some of the best memories of that time, but it wasn't the summer that made us into who we are. But, it was nice. The Super Suicide Society of the Summer Session was meeting every night, Finny and I were best pals. The summer itself lent some of its brightness to us and made dark things better. There were dark things. I won't forget that Finny decided we should go to the beach. I wonder that we weren't found out, because we were always together. Didn't you guys notice we were gone? Who cares, though. It's not important. We stole away to the beach, and Finny admitted that I was his best friend. That was one of the times where I disappointed him. I should have said it back. Maybe you're thinking I'm stupid now, that Finny called me his best friend and I didn't say it back. Especially because it was Finny.

There's more. While I ruined things for Finny, he never let me down. There was this one time I lost balance in the tree, and Finny had been there to steady me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he hadn't been there, or he hadn't saved me. What would it have been like if I had fallen out of the tree? If I had, Finny would have been in sports still. And, it's not like a wheelchair will impair studying. I probably should have fallen in his place. He was too good, too good for Devon, for the war, and for me. He didn't deserve what happened, but there was no way he could have gone on to be Finny. The world doesn't have a place for guys like Finny, even though it should. There are a lot of things that should be true but aren't.

Finny was our leader, he held me fast like a lock and key would. He prevented the war from taking me in, for as long as it was possible that one could do so. I owe him for that, and for more. Leper, now you know what happened. You know why. I hope you're okay with me, and everything. You were never supposed to act as witness, but things got messed up. I hope this fixes it, a little.

Gene Forrester