Crash! Boom! Bang!

Walking. One step at a time. Walking seems to be the only way to distract myself. Walk and don't think. Focus. One step. Another step. Breath. Two in, four out. Don't loose it Beverly. Walk. No standing still. Standing still you start to think and you definitely don't want to start thinking.

I've learned that nothing really lasts forever

I sleep with the scars I wear that won't heal.

They won't heal

A walk along the shore. A walk through the forest. A walk in the busy streets. It doesn't matter. Just walk. One step at a time. And then another one. It doesn't matter wether you are alone or in the middle of a busy street. You are alone. Alone in the middle of a crowd.

Face it Beverly. You are not alone. No! You are worse. You are lonely.

Once there was a family. Once there was a mother and a father throwing their little girl in the air, laughing. Once there was a husband. Once there was a son. Once there were friends and once there was Jean Luc.

But it is over. No more. The parents died far too early. The husband died. The son is off strolling around the universe and the friends you waved off in a big party. The end was bound to be. People needed to move on. New careers. A new family. You chose Starfleet Medical. No more rushing through space.

You chose to run away. Be safe. Be safe from making new friends. It is too dangerous. Everyone you ever loved went away or disappeared. You started to manage to be on you own when you were only a girl. You trusted someone and that person left. At one point one cannot take that any longer. It's safer to keep people away from you. It is to dangerous to have your heart broken again.

Don't trust anybody but yourself.

Don't rely on anybody.

Don't let anybody close.

Don't let anybody touch you.

Run!

Walk. One more step. Time. Too much time. You took off from the job because you couldn't stand it any longer. People staring at you. Yeah. I am quite a sight. Starfleet was very generous. Come back any time.

I'm walking down this empty road to nowhere

I pass by the houses and blocks I once knew.

My Mama told me not to mess with sorrow

But I always did, and Lord, I still do

I'm still breaking the rules.

You don't want to look in the mirror in the morning. Eyes hollow. Dark rings. Skin faded to grey. Hair hanging down. Your once so bright eyes cloudy. Another bad night. No sleep, just pictures of the past haunting you. Tired throughout the whole day. No energy to get up.

Than you started walking. One step. Another step. Hours. Concentrating on putting one step after the other on all kinds of trail. Breath and walk.

Every time you fall in love.

Crash! Boom! Bang!

What is it with me? All those losses made me pushing people away. And now there is no one left. And I don't have the energy to start new.

It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved.

Bullshit!

You are getting over it.

Right!

Well actually. This is true. But at what cost. And then again. Jack. Had she really really loved him or had he just been a crutch. They were so young. He was so charming and she had been all alone.

When he was gone I started to push people away even more. Seal my heart. Seal my soul. Icy Doctor Crusher. As cold as her blue eyes. Compassionate to the patients but no, never would anyone be able to come to close.

If I ever really loved ad trusted a person...

Walk Beverly. Don't think. Don't do that to you. Don't let him into your mind. You know how that ends. Sleepless nights and tears of frustration.

Cause every time I seem to fall in love.

Crash! Boom! Bang!

I find the heart and than I hit the wall.

Crash! Boom! Bang!

Back than for the first time in my life l had people that I considered to be my friends. I opened my heart. And there was him. I have never been so close to a person. I never loved that much. But it is too dangerous.

That last night. We were all celebrating like there was no tomorrow. Half laughing half crying. From now on we would go separate ways. Some stay together, some part. One last night we wanted to enjoy. Bittersweet.

We kept apart the whole evening not wanting to face the separation that was threatening us. When we finally met we did not say a single word. We left together for his quarters and as soon as the door had slid close, fell into each other's arms. All the tension that had built up over 20 years released in one night.

When he fell asleep after hours of lovemaking I left. I couldn't face him. I was not ashamed. I wanted him. Had always wanted him. I loved him. Had always loved him. I still do. Want him. Love him. But I am too scared. Too scared he will disappear.

I left a note.

Forgive me. I will always love you.

He must hate me. Come on Beverly. One more step. Walk. And breath. Don't stop breathing. Maybe this is the worst. To know how much I hurt him. He didn't try to contact me. He knows me too well. He did send a package to Starfleet Medical.

I love you too.

I never opened the package. It is lying in my nightstand. A daily reminder of him. Of my mistakes

I left the same night. No looking back. Actually that is when I started walking. I dug into work until the tiredness came over me. I stared to loose weight. Couldn't eat, nausea threatening me each morning. After two months back on earth I ran a physical.

Couldn't believe my eyes.

I looked at the small heart banging in my womb for hours.

That's when things got worse. I really lost it. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate. I found no rest. It was easy to diagnose. Depression. Not so easy to cure a broken heart. I asked for a leave. I had good reasons. That is when I started to walk.

And everytime I seem to fall in love

Crash! Boom! Bang!

I find the roses dying on the floor

Crash! Boom! Bang!

I take out the small box when I feel strong enough. I know what is inside. I don't have to open it. I know when I open it I will cry.

After three more months it showed pretty well. People started staring. And I knew I had to tell him. He had a right to know. I owe it to him. He was in France. Starfleet had granted him a sabbatical. 12 Months in France. He wanted to sort out options.

I didn't need much. A small bag. Some spare cloths. The box. No intention to stay. I would be happy to not be thrown out. Nothing to expect. I walked up the dusty path through the vineyard. One step after the other. Breath. Two in, four out. One more step. Don't hesitate.

The closer I got the harder it got. One more step Beverly. You owe it to him. He had never let you down. One more step. Walk. Eyes on the road. Don't stop. Don't look around. Most important. Don't look back.

Although she never had been there she knew the house would be around the next curve. Walk. One step after the other. She looked a mess but it didn't matter. Dark rings under the eyes. Hair in a mess. Baggy cloths. Dusty boots. This was not about her. This was about him. And the life that was growing in her.

She entered the big court in front of the house. Don't stop. It was late afternoon. He was sitting on a bench in front of the house. A cup of tea next to him. Earl grey. Hot. A book on his knees.

When he saw her he went up and walk towards her. His face earnest. Still he was smiling. He took long slow steps to meet her. When they stopped in front of each other she looked down to her feet.

He reached over to touch her.

To lift her head.

"I have been waiting for you. Beverly mon amour."

And all of a sudden she realized that it was not about the life that was growing beneath her heart. That she had been running her whole life but these last months she had been walking. Walking towards him. Walking over her fears. Walking towards love.

She bit her lips. She looked into his eyes. Her eyes were shining again. She still was a little bit nervous. But she knew that she would never run from him again. And she knew that he would never leave.

"I am home my Lover", she simply stated.

He smiled.

"Yes you are", and with that he drew her into a loving embrace.

It was only then he noticed her growing womb. He drew back to look at her. She swallowed hard. Then she took his hand an placed it on her belly. Her heart skipped a beat. But his smile just grew wider.

"You are going to be a father soon"

Lost for words he pulled her towards him and kissed her lovingly.

"Now we are all home."

"Home."

Authors Note

Well. Ok. I love music. I had the idea for this story and started to form it in my mind. Unfortunately I am not good with titles and all of a sudden I had this 1990s Roxette Song in my head: Crash! Boom! Bang!

And started listening to it during I was writing down the story. The story took a bit of a different direction due to the song. A bit sadder. I intended just to include the three words Crash! Boom!

Bang! But as you see the story took over.

I don't really know wether you people in the States know Roxette. I suggest to just check the song out on the internet. They were really big in the 1990s and do great music.

I also really don't know about Beverly. Does it work?