Tank Dempsey was bored out of his wits. He never though this could happen: they'd ran out of zombies! Sure, he'd made assurances that all those gut-bag-maggot-whores would go back in the ground, but he'd never expected them to be gone completely, just put down until the next game- Treyarch always had a plot loophole or something that assured that, and they most likely had one for this occasion, too. Still, it'd be another year and a haf till the next Treyarch Call of Duty game. He had a lot of time on his hands. And, as of five minutes ago, he'd done everything on this moon base except his three "friends" Richtofen, Nikolai and Takeo a thousand times over, and life was starting to get stale. He had proof that he wasn't the only one with these thoughts. Samantha was back in her proper body, and safely locked back in her pyramid, but her voice was still reverberating through the moon base
"Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Booored BOOOORED!" was all that could be heard in the moon base. Nikolai started joining in between swigs of vodka. One more word from either of them, and-
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRED!"
That was it.
"Shut. The HELL! UP!"
Dempsey yelled over the moans of boredom, not unlike the moans of the undead he'd fought not long ago. "Look, we get the message: We're all as bored as shit! We've done everything a trio of bad-ass zombie killers, an insane Nazi, and an even more insane little Nazi girl can do in one lifetime. And we ain't even close to dying yet!" He started talking to seeming no-one, "Samantha, are you SURE there's no more gutbags left to gut?" Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, the voice of a little German girl that couldn't be much older than ten, giggled "Silly Mr. Dempshey! Don't you remember!" she said, like any normal little girl would, "you killed the last crawler." She finished in a deadpan, emotionless voice with a serious, and slightly disappointed tone.
"Hey, not my fault. Last 115, 935 times I did it, the zombitches came pouring out of the woodwork not ten seconds afterwards." He spun on his heel so he was facing his always drunk Soviet buddy, Nikolai, "So, Nikolai, you-" was all he was able to get out before he was cut off by the Russian's exasperated voice, "Fuck no, Dempsey. No one touches Nikolai's wodka! You know dis by now, da?" Dempsey held his hands up in the universal "Whoa, Nelly" expression, and turned one last time to Richtofen, "Richtofen, are you sure we can't-" again he was cut off, but this time by Takeo "Hey! What am I? Chopped sushi?" he nearly shouted, clearly miffed that he was skipped
"Because, Tak, you would've suggested we meditate and the honorable emperor would reveal the answer. One, the Emperor has been dead for a while now. Two, I've already got honor up the yin-yang and three: I hate sitting still." Takeo opened his moth as if to say something but he quickly closed it with a muttered, "Touché". Tank turned back to Richtofen, "As I was saying, is there any way we could use the Mega Demented Tele-Thingy to get out of here and back to earth?" the doctor looked up from his occupation- Five Finger Filet, if Dempsey wasn't mistaken- and fixed him with a "frigging idiot" look.
"First off, Dempshey, I hate you. Second, does it look as if mozzer earth is feeling up to playing hostess?" he said, motioning to a perfect view of the burning, shattered husk of the most habitable planet in the known universe, "and third, it's called a Multi Dimensional… Transporter…"
The doctor trailed off, lost in thought, before letting out a burst of his native language and dashing to the nearest computer terminal. "Dempshey, I take back nozzing I said about you," He quipped while typing away at the computer. "But, never ze less, I must admit zat I vas sctupid enough to be blind to a simple solution to our problem zat has been sitting under our noses for quite a vhile now: Ze MDT! If I can merely link a Quantum Entanglement Device to it's main targeting CPU, und plug in ze correct coordinates, we could be out of here within ze hour!" He finished his monologue and turned on his heels, a psychotic grin plastered on his face.
"But where to go?" Nikolai asked, "As you said before the whole world, even Soviet Russia, is blown to shit." Richtofen was unfazed, "Good question, mien Cossack Comrade. The key words here are 'Multi Dimensional Transporter' Multi, as in more than one, Dimension, as in a plane of existence, und Transporter, as in a mode of transit from one place to anozzer. Connect ze dots, get ze picture?" He was met with silence for a few seconds before a collective "Oh!" swept his little group of idiots. Nikolai drunkenly tossed his last QED at the doctor, who caught it easily and immediately started tinkering with it.
"Hey, Doc, one question: what if we get stuck on a planet twice as bad as ours?' Richtofen merely scoffed, "Dempshey, vhile you vere bouncing around in Zero-G environments, I vas loking into vays of getting us out of here. I vas trying to find anozzer poupuable planet within our solar system, but, alas, I vas unsuccessful. But, I still have the parameters for a habitable planet all I need is to run it through ze MTD…" the doc paused for a second, letting the terminal he was at process the data he'd input into it, before, "Ah! Here ve are! Minimal pollution, intact ozone, und certainly not blown apart!" Dempsey shrugged, "I see…" Richtofen scoffed, "Says ze blind, noseless, deaf, handless drunk, high, lobotomized cockroach."
As the doctor promised, within the hour, he'd rigged up the QED, a few Gerch Devices and 7 AAA batteries to the teleporter, making it look a bit more outlandish than it already did. Dempsey had always thought that impossible, and just looking at it sent alarm klaxons ringing in his head. Richtofen stood up, admiring his handiwork while muttering to himself in German and nodding his head. He turned to the group with a smirk, "So, who vants to go first?"
This day just got better and better.
"Wait, how do we know this works? so you're saying that you haven't tested this thing yet, and you want to use one of us as guinea pigs?" the doctor shrugged, "Pretty much, Ja." Dempsey sighed, he should have expected as much from that insane Kraut quack. "Well then, there's only one way this thing can go down…." He took a good look at his comrades, before drawing in a breath…
"Not It!"
"Nicht es!"
"Naddit!"
"Not-" Takeo began, before he realized his commitment to silence had cost him the win. "Oh, shi-ne" he sighed out before being shoved into the teleporter by Richtofen. "Now, remember, be friendly vith ze inhabitants of …wherever it is I'm sending you, but be on guard, and vhatever you do, don't start a var between humanity und whoever is on the ozzer side." Richtofen informed him. The samurai of the group nodded.
"Charging up Kassimir mechanism, engaging Antikathera mechanism, aligning flux capacitors, all systems nominal." Richtofen licked his lips nervously, "Smoke if you got em." He pulled a series of levers, "Transporting in Drei, zwei, eins!" Richtofen pushed a button on a handheld remote, and the Imperial solider was gone in a ball of lightning, "Well, did it work?" Dempsey asked "Please say no." Nikolai added. Richtofen glanced over the readouts on a nearby terminal, "100% matter transference. He made it! It vorks!" he started laughing manically, shaking his hands at the sky before Nikolai slapped him on the back of the head. "Thanks, I needed zat." Edward muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. Suddenly, a ball of lightning similar to the ones that spawned Hellhounds began to form behind the group. "Looks like it doesn't work as well as you thought, Doc." Dempsey quipped. What came out of the ball of lightning was far, far from the Jap they were expecting.
Tank didn't know what to make of it. It looked somewhat like a 15-year-old human girl, complete with a schoolgirl uniform, jet black ponytail and Mary-Janes. That's where the similarities ended. Her pale arms had many visible injection scars and were crisscrossed by crimson veins. Her hands ended in eight inch claws that looked strong enough to rip apart a tank, and her eyes were the same shade of yellow as the thousands of undead Nazis, Communists and even fellow Americans he'd filled with lead. Even though he'd never admit it, this Freakbag actually got him pretty damn nervous.
"Edvard…" the thing began. He recognized that voice; it was one he'd talked to not even an hour ago. "What… are you… dong?" "Samantha", or at least that's what Dempsey thought it was, continued, visibly shaking with anger. "Vhy, nozzing Samantha, nozzing at all…" Edward responded, covertly throwing the safety on his Luger. Dempsey and Nikolai were never ones for such subtlety. "What you want, creepy-disembodied-demon-girl-voice-who-now-inexplicably-has-body?" Samantha didn't take her glare off Edward. "Shut up, Nikolai." She snapped at the drunk, earning a death glare back at her. She paid him no mind, ever focused on Richtofen, her clawed hands clenching and unclenching, creating small showers of sparks. "Vere you trying to leave, Eddy?"
Edward stepped forward, placing himself between Tank and Nikolai, "No, no, no Samantha, ve vere doing nozzing of ze sort." He lowered his tone to a near whisper, "Vhatever you do, don't provoke it." Both Tank and Nikolai responded with a simple "No shit, doc." Sam's eyes narrowed, a killing look directed at Edward still on her face, "Are you lying to me, Edvard?" she said, cocking her head a bit to the left as Edward inched closer and closer to a control panel on his right. He shot a smirk at Samantha, "Vell, zey didn't call me a liar for nozzing."
And with that, he slammed his hand down on a large red button on the panel, casuing a pair of blast doors to slam shut in Samantha's face. As soon as they did, Richtofen lost his cocksure attitude and started mumbling swears in German. "What? Plain old boards weren't good enough for her?" Dempsey joked, feeling a bit nervous himself. The Nazi never got nervous, not even when surrounded by hordes of the undead.
"Dempshey, zis is no time for ze jokes!" Richtofen half shouted at him, typing furiously into a computer hooked up to the Teleporter. "It takes at least 60 seconds for me to ready ze MDT, und zat door vill be gone in 25" Dempsey was awestruck, "It's that weak?" he asked. Richtofen just shook his head, "Nein, Dempshey, she's that strong." Richtofens eyes and hands stayed glued to the terminal, "Vhat ve need is a distraction: anyzing to buy us more time." Dempsey cocked his M16, "Yeah, well, I got a full clip of 5.56 millimeter "distraction" for her."
Nikolai pushed the M16s barrel down, "Stand down, Dempsey. I'll handle this. Unlike you, I'm full-time professional lady killer! Both metaphorically and literally!" Dempsey knew that Nikolai was a ballsy guy, but even though Dempsey was quite a ballsy guy himself, he knew that he was now crossing the line from ballsy to suicidal. He put his hand on the Russian's shoulder, and gave him his most honest, trustworthy look, "You sure, buddy?" he said in the most humane voce he could muster. Nikolai just took a swig of vodka, "Now where would the fun be in that?" he replied, a grin on his face and determination in his eyes.
Now, with horrible shrieking sounds, rows of five parallel lines were becoming visible from this side of the door. "Hurry up, Doc!" Dempsey yelled, before bringing his M16 back up, standing beside Nikolai. "Got your back, man." Was all he said before they shared a final handshake. The door finally caved in from the myriad of claw strikes and punches, and fell into a mess of shredded and stretched metal as an unholy scream ripped through the teleporter hub.
"EDVAAARD!"
"Oh, Sheiße."