Disclaimer: Homestuck doesn't belong to me, and unless your name is Hussie, it doesn't belong to you, either.
Mary Sue: A Tragiparody
Your name is MARISU SAKURA. You're a tyrian-blooded seadweller, and you have various INTERESTS, including CELEBRITIES, FASHION, and ROMANTIC NOVELS. Your Trollian handle is PerfectlyFlawless, and you tend to ~*~*~*be very perky and full of pep.*~*~*~
You get out of bed, because recuperacoons are gross, and smile around at your room. It's another beautiful day on Alternia, which is good, because tonight is Prom night and you are very excited, despite the fact that YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. You know you need to dress your best. Your date is none other than KARKAT VANTAS, after all! ~swoon~
You look into your closet and grab a pink v-neck tee-shirt with a picture of Troll Justin Bieber on it, and layer it over a blue-green tank top with glitter. You then pull on some ripped designer jeans and some red converse. You're ready to face the day!
Kanaya lives next door, so you go to her for some advice on what to buy for tonight's Prom. You skip out of your hive and down the street, whistling. Kanaya is reclining on a lawn chair in her sundress, sunbathing and drinking lemonade.
Wait, no. Actually she's standing there looking at you in surprise. "Where am I?" she asks. "What has happened to my hive?"
You smile, and now she's sunbathing and drinking lemonade. She's so cool.
You ask her for fashion advice, and she is so generous and awesome that she offers to MAKE you a dress! She says that pink would go best with your complexion, and starts taking measurements immediately.
When she's done, you bid her bye for now while she works, and go to visit Sollux! He's so cute; you would have gone to Prom with him but Karkat asked you first and he's even cuter! OH WELL!
You knock on his hive door, and he opens it. "Who are you?" he demands. "Did you do something to my Lusus?" He lisps adorably when he says 'Lusus.'
You smile at him, and he blinks. "Oh, Marisu! What's up?"
"I was thinking we could play some video games together!" you say.
"Sure. I have Grand Theft Auto, Super Smash Bros, Legend of Zelda…"
"I'd like to play Mario Party," you say, and he wrinkles his nose.
"That game is stupid."
"I'd like to play Mario Party," you repeat, smiling.
"Sure! Let's go!"
You play Mario Party for like, two hours, and he tries to put his arm around you while you're distracted! But you laugh and push him off because you're dating Karkat and if he wanted to cuddle with you then he should have acted sooner!
Then it's lunchtime, so you say goodbye to Sollux and leave him staring at your back vacantly. You go to McDonalds, and who should you meet there, but Terezi and Vriska!
"I'm telling you, this place came out of nowhere! And I can't find my hive, or my Lusus!" That was Vriska.
Terezi looks amused. "I guess she wandered off. You should have taken better care of her."
"Don't be an idiot, Pyrope. She can't even fit through the-"
They are both interrupted by you walking over and smiling at them. Terezi smiles back, but Vriska looks confused. "You're…"
You smile wider, and Vriska grins. "Hey sistah. Heading over to Mickey D's?"
You grab some fries and a coke and gossip with the Scourge sisters over lunch. Apparently, Aradia is dating Equius now! GASP!
After lunch, you go check on Kanaya. She says she'll be done in an hour or two, so you decide to visit Aradia and Equius, to see if they're going to Prom together! They're SUCH A CUTE COUPLE, and you're so happy they're dating now!
Aradia has a big house and lots of cool paintings and sculptures inside. She's such a good interior designer!
You go in, but it looks like no one is home. You call out: "Aradia! Equius!"
After wandering for a bit you see Aradia standing in a hallway, but her back is turned to you. "I got a message from Sollux," she says. "He warned me about you. So I know better than to look."
What a joker, that Aradia! "You don't have to look, silly!" You smile.
Aradia turns around and runs up to you, giving you a big hug! "I haven't seen you in so long, girl!" she says happily. "Guess what, I-"
"You hooked up with Equius!" you interrupt, and you both laugh.
"How did you know? Who told?"
"Should have knooooooown better than to tell Vriska!" you tease in a sing-song voice. "Probably half of Alternia knows by now!"
Aradia pouts. "Aw. I wanted it to be a surprise at Prom!"
"So you are going together?"
"Yep!"
Then Equius charges in, brandishing a broken bow in one fist. But you're already smiling this time, so his charge peters out and then he's just grinning at you somewhat vacantly.
"What are you doing with that bow, Equius?" Aradia asks, before you can stop her.
Equius looks at his bow, confused. You may have smiled at him a little hard.
"I was… going to throw this away! When I heard Marisu's voice and I had to come over and say hi!"
"Hi Equius! It's been a while! How are your robots?" you ask.
Equius frowns like he's thinking, then says; "They're fine. I made a robot butler, but… I think I used to have a different butler…"
Oops, that was a mistake! You quickly change the topic. "What are you wearing to Prom, Aradia?"
"I have a beautiful little black dress! But I haven't let Equius see me wear it yet!"
"You sure do like surprises, lol!" you laugh. "Kanaya is making me a dress!"
"OMIGOSH! I'm so jealous!" gushes Aradia. "You're so lucky!"
"Thanks," you reply modestly. "I'm sure if you ask, she'll make one for you next year!"
"Okay."
"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds be!" you say, and wink.
Equius starts sputtering and coughing and it's really funny, but he doesn't sweat because that's icky.
You decide to take the long way home, walking through the park, and you find Nepeta feeding birds from a park bench. She giggles and waves at you, and you chat for a few minutes about music. But when you turn to go, she grabs a bird and lifts it up to her mouth! She quickly lets it go when you look back and smile at her.
Tavros and Gamzee are playing Frisbee in the park, but they aren't doing so well, since Tavros can't go very fast in his wheelchair and Gamzee is just kind of letting the Frisbee bounce off his horns and letting out an occasional honk.
Gamzee turns and sees you, and yells "Motherfucker fuck fuck!" but then you smile and he stops swearing and tosses the Frisbee to you. You catch it gracefully, and toss it back to Tavros, who stands up and catches it.
"Hi Marisu," says Tavros, and blushes. Tavros is a real sweetheart, but you see him just as a good friend, not as boyfriend material, lol!
"Are you guys going to Prom?" you ask. You hope they do. Gamzee is always the life of the party!
"Yeah, man," says Gamzee.
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," adds Tavros.
"Who are you going with?"
"We're going stag!" says Tavros, looking excited. "That's what it's called, right?"
"You bet it, brother," says Gamzee.
"Ooh!" you reply. "Well, have fun! I need to go talk to Kanaya about my dress, see you guys tonight!"
"Bye Marisu!" they both say, smiling.
When you get to Kanaya's hive, she's left the dress outside, hanging on her doorknob, with a note on it. It says:
To My Dear Friend, Marisu. Have Fun At Prom!
You hold up the dress, and it's sooooo pretty! It's pink with gold trim and blue rhinestones set into a flower pattern on the back.
You go home to get ready for Prom. First, you take a nice relaxing shower. You then crimp your hair and put on your new dress with your best 5-inch pumps. You apply fuchsia eyeliner, lipstick, and nail polish.
Then, it's time to wait for Karkat to come pick you up.
DING-DONG!
You rush over to the door, and answer it, smiling. But it isn't Karkat!
It's everyone! All the friends you met today, with Kanaya in the front, holding her lipstick!
"We all think that…" she starts, then trails off. You're still smiling.
"We all think that you should be Prom Queen!" calls out Nepeta from the back.
"Really?" you gasp. "Me? Aw, you guys are so sweet! You shouldn't have!"
"Yes we should! You're very special and important to all of us, Marisu," says Tavros. "We all care about you a lot!"
Everyone nods, and Terezi gives you your Prom Queen crown! You're so happy!
"Okay, okay!" you say. "But Karkat will be here any minute! You all need to hide so when he gets here I'll be alone!"
Everyone hides behind furniture and stuff, and you wait by the door.
DING-DONG!
OMIGOSH! It's Karkat! He's wearing a tux and a red tie, and he's got a bouquet of roses OMGGGGGG!
"What is going on?" he asks, and you throw your arms around him and bounce up and down because you can't belieeeeeve how handsome your date is!
"No, really, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you loose in the think-pan? Get off me!"
Your date is way too grumpy. You smile at him, and he smiles back, then says, "You look beautiful, Marisu! Are you ready for Prom?"
"Am I ever!"
You both leave, arm in arm, and everyone else follows, laughing and talking, and everything is just happy and wonderful.
Prom is taking place in a huge beachside mansion, and the sun setting over the water is beautiful, turning the sky deep shades of purple and pink. The music is pulsing inside, so you dance!
You dance alone first, but then Karkat asks you to dance with him, so you sway to a slow song together, and then dance a fast one where you grind on each other! :O
Karkat is the best date ever! When you get tired of dancing you talk about romantic novels and you like all the same books! You think that they should write a romantic novel about you and Karkat and you say so and he blushes and he's so cute!
Meanwhile Equius and Aradia are dancing the robot, and Tavros is doing the limbo while Gamzee is slamming orange soda with Terezi (OMG are they gonna hook up?) and Vriska and Kanaya are chatting about old times, and Nepeta asks Sollux to dance too, so he doesn't feel so alone! Everyone is having the best time!
Then, the door opens! It's FEFERI and ERIDAN.
The music stops. Everyone stops dancing. You smile at them, but your expression wavers a little.
Eridan blinks. "Why wasn't I invited?"
"You were invited!" you say quickly. "Did your invitation get lost in the mail? I'm sooooooo sorry!"
"We weren't invited," says Feferi. She's not smiling.
You smile again, as wide as you can. "Oops! I guess there was a mix-up!" You offer them a bowl of chips and dip, grinning.
Feferi shakes her head. "What did you do to our Lusii?" she asks. "What are you doing to everyone?"
"Feferi, you're making a scene," you say gently, your eyes flicking from side to side. Everyone else is watching, looking confused.
"I don't care. Water you up to? I've never even spoken to you before today, and now-"
"Fef, have a drink," says Sollux, and he comes over and offers her some mountain dew.
"Don't make him distract me! I'm here to talk to you."
Your smile wavers, and then it's back, full force. "Ohhh! I know what this is about! You want to be Prom Queen, don't you Feferi? Well, everyone will have to vote on it, you know!"
The music starts back up, and everyone starts dancing and laughing and chatting again. Even Eridan is joining in and dancing with Vriska!
Feferi opens her mouth, looking angry, but you interrupt, in a quiet voice. "Please. Look how wonderful everything is. Why would you want to make things go back to the way they were?"
"It's not right!" replies Feferi, and she is not speaking quietly. "You can't just make everyone do what you want them to do!"
"It is right!" you say, and you are beaming. "Everyone is happy, and everyone loves me, and there's no need for anyone to be lonely, and it's perfect!"
She doesn't look convinced, so your smile becomes sly. "Isn't this what you wanted, anyway? A world where trolls aren't killing each other? Where trolls are nice to each other?"
"Not by taking away free whale!"
"I'm not taking away free whale… I mean free will! I'm just making them want and like different things!"
"What a boat our Lusii? Gl'bgolyb was gone this morning, and Eridan's Lusus too! What did you do to them?"
Waves of music pulse around you, and your smile becomes a thin line. "If you have to orphan or kill other trolls to survive, it can never be a happy world." You blink a few times. "Which is why I forgive you and Eridan. I really do. And I realize you would have had to try and kill me eventually, the way things were. But now we can be happy! No Lusii to worry about! So if you can just... pretend that you're like the others, it would be great."
Feferi puts a finger to her chin. "So… Pretend that my life revolves around you? Pretend to do everything you tell me and pretend to hang on your every word?"
"That's right!"
"That's stupid. I am not on board with that."
"Well, tough glubs! That's the way things are now, and I was going to hook you up with Sollux, even!"
Feferi frowns, and ponders a moment. "What if they vote me for Prom Queen? Will you let them go?"
You laugh! "That's silly! They'll never vote for you!"
Feferi shakes her head. "But you have to make it fair. Don't make them vote for you."
But of course, any troll in their right mind would vote for you, and for your much better, nicer, more perfect world! You just need to convince Feferi.
So you nod, and go up to the stage. The music quiets into the background. "Alright everyone! It's time to vote for Prom Queen!" You gesture towards Feferi. "I know you all agreed that I should be Prom Queen, but Feferi wants to try too!" You giggle. "So let's vote!"
And you stop smiling. Just a little.
"Everyone who wants to be happy, vote for me!" you yell.
"Everyone who wants to be themshells, vote for me!" Feferi shouts.
As one, the gathered trolls point towards Feferi.
"She is meddling with our lives," growls Vriska.
"And making us want things we don't want to want," notes Aradia.
"Far as it be from me to deny any Highblood, but this whole situation is highly unpleasant," comments Equius.
"And none of us know where our Lusii went," Kanaya adds.
"I don't know where I motherfucking am," says Gamzee.
"What?" you cry out. Feferi reaches for your Prom Queen crown, but you back away.
"No! I'm supposed to be your Empress, so you have to listen to me and love me and take what I give you! This isn't fair!" You're far too upset to smile.
"You agreed!" gasps Feferi. "You agreed to let everyone go!"
You force a smile, and the other trolls start to step forward to protect you. "And what are you going to do if I don't?"
Then Feferi throws her culling fork through your chest, puncturing your collapsing and expanding bladder based aquatic vascular system, and you die.
Except that you're not dead. Of course you're not dead, you're reading this, aren't you? Why did you think you would be anyone but yourself, reading this story?
Feferi tugs her culling fork out Marisu's chest, dripping fuchsia everywhere. She really should have known something like this would happen. The cuttlefish culler had been quite surprised when Eridan had brought home a fuchsia-blooded Lusus for Gl'bgolyb, but had hoped that losing their Lusus would have rendered her potential rival helpless. So much for that.
All around, the music is fading. The others are waking up. Feferi takes one last glance around at Marisu's crumbling illusions, hoping to cod that this decision had been the right one.