And now it's time for Bum Reviews. With Chester A. Bum
Tonight's Review...Gears of War
...
OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY LIFE!
VRRRRRRRR! SPOILERS! VRRRRRRRR *makes more chainsaw noises*
This game is really really REALLY manly.
Seriously. If you're a girl, you will grow testimicles after play through the campaign. It's THAT manly.
So there's this guy named Marcus.
AND HE'S LIKE:
Gr.
And there's this other guy, named Dom.
AND HE'S LIKE:
Hm.
And there's this OTHER other guy, named Cole.
AND HE'S LIKE:
Woo!
And there's this OTHER other other guy, named Baird.
AND HE'S LIKE:
Meh.
And they're off to stop THE LOCUST!
Wow, first the Collectors, now the Locusts? Bad guy names aren't as intimidating as they used to be.
So they have to take this thingamijigger, called a resonator!
You see, they have to use the resonator to map out the locust tunnels so they can know the best spots to deploy bombs so that they can best deplete the locust's numbers.
WHAT A STUPID PLAN!
THEY SHOULD FLOOD THE TUNNELS WITH HALOS! HALOS KILL LOCUSTS DEAD!
But I digress...
So they fight their way through the wastelands of their planet of Sera.
Oh wait! Silly me. I forgot to mention they fight with guns that have FRIGGIN' CHAINSAWS FOR BAYONETS!
VRRRRRRRRRRRR!
MORE GAMES SHOULD HAVE CHAINSAW BAYONETS!
AND THEN:
They reach an immulsion factory!
AND THEN:
They go into the locust tunnels!
AND THEN:
They drop a spidery thing in the immulsion!
AND THEN:
They activate the resonator!
AND THEN:
It doesn't work!
What the hell?
But then Baird finds this thingy that has more data than the resonator and it came from Marcus's dad's house!
...Again. What the hell?
I mean where'd that thingy come from? I never noticed it before!
But I digress...
So they go to Marcus's house to get the data!
And once they get it, they have to rush back outside to the joloppy thingy.
And they're chased by this GIANT Dinosaur with a gun on its back!
It's like if the T-rex from Jurassic Park had a baby with the AT-AT from Star Wars!
And then Marcus and Dom ride on a train with the bomb on it!
And they have to fight through more locust to get to the bomb!
And they eventually do!
But then this GIANT LOCUST MAN SHOWS UP!
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
He kills you. So you have to reload the game.
AND THEN:
! *smashes Xbox 360*
AND THEN:
You finally kill him!
HOORAY!
And then Marcus and Dom jump onto the helicopter while the lightmass bomb is deployed.
AND THE BOMB IS LIKE:
KA-BOOM!
AND THE LOCUST ARE LIKE:
Uh-oh.
KA-BOOM!
AND THE COLONEL IS LIKE:
"We've done it. We've won the war!"
AND THE LOCUST QUEEN IS LIKE:
"No you didn't! We'll be back! And so will my creepy british accent. Now, I'm off for tea."
The End!
This is Chester A. Bum saying: CHANGE? YA GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!
At least enough to buy the Cole Train's latest album! Woo! Yeah! Bring it on sucker! This is my kinda stuff! Remember: Mormon.
...
Seriously though. Gears of War was pretty damn good, but where'd Baird get that map thingy at the end of Act 3?