They aren't mine. I wish they were. Just going to borrow them for a while. Continuation of Christmas Eve Visitor, Starting Our Life Together and Holy Matrimony, Batman!. People, places and things in the story may or may not be totally factual or real.

Christmas Past and Present
By JayCee08

Chapter 1
Decision

I sat on the couch watching the flames flicker in the fireplace. The tree was decorated with lights and ornaments. There were some new ornaments on the tree. An ornament for Ricky's second Christmas. And an ornament for Ranger's and my third Christmas together, although we were apart for our first Christmas as a couple. We had bought the ornament before he left on his last mission.

Ranger was upstairs giving Ricky his bath and putting him to bed before coming down to help me play Santa Claus like he did last year. Was it only a year ago that he came home? So much had happened in the past year. Ricky was baptized. We got engaged. I looked at the rings on my left hand. They sparkled in the fire light. We planned our wedding. Ricky got sick. We lost a baby. We got married. And that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I remember another Christmas, three years ago . . .

THREE YEARS AGO

I was sitting in my apartment. The small Christmas tree was standing in the corner waiting for me to plug it in. It was starting to get dark. I was trying to get up enough courage to go and see Joe. I had decided to confront him about us and our future. I had made some changes in my life and I was about to make another one.

I had gotten a new job. I was working part-time at RangeMan now. Joe wasn't too happy about that. I still went after skips usually with Lula. I also did distractions when needed. Joe really wasn't happy with that part of the job.

I finally worked up my courage, grabbed my purse and left my apartment. The drive to Joe's house was slow. There was a lot of traffic on the streets. Everyone was doing their last-minute Christmas shopping. It was just a week before Christmas. I knew it was bad for me to be doing what I was going to do right before the holidays, but when would be a good time? Right before Valentine's Day? St. Patrick's Day? Easter? Mother's Day? Memorial Day? Fourth of July? Labor Day? There was always going to be something. Some holiday or special event. If I was going to do this, I had to do it now. Otherwise, I would be stuck in a rut and I know that I wouldn't be happy with that.

I pulled up outside Joe's house. He had decorated this year for Christmas. He had lights on the shrubs outside his house. There was a big inflatable Santa. I could see that Bob used it as a fire hydrant. Either that or he was making a statement that he didn't care for this monstrosity in the front yard. It did take up a lot of space with the guide wires staked into the ground to make sure that it didn't blow away.

I could see the little tree set on top of a table that was placed in front of the picture window. It was lit up and had ornaments. I had gotten Joe a couple of ornaments a few weeks ago. One was of a big dog like Bob and another was of a motorcycle.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then I opened the door and got out of the car. I walked up to the door and rang the bell. I heard Bob come running to the door. Joe opened the door and Bob just about knocked me over.

"Hey there, Bob. How are you doing, buddy? What have you eaten lately that you shouldn't have?" I asked him.

"He ate another shoe and an ornament." Joe answered.

"Oh, my God! Is he going to be O.K.? It wasn't a glass ornament was it?" I asked.

"No, it was that dog ornament you got for me." Joe said apologetically.

"Oh." I said. I was sort of disappointed at that news. But it was sort of an omen in a way for why I was here.

"Come in. I was just sitting down for dinner. If I knew you were coming over I would have gotten you a sub too." Joe said.

"That's O.K. I'm not all that hungry. I'll get something later."

"Can I get you something to drink? Beer? Coke? Water?"

"I can get it. Just sit and eat." I took off my coat and went to the refrigerator to get a beer then thought better of it and grabbed a Coke. I needed a clear head for this.

"How's work? I haven't seen you when I've been to the station to deliver a skip." I asked.

"Busy."

I nodded my head. "Yeah. There have been a lot of skips that have been arrested for shoplifting. There have been more shoplifters it seems." I was looking for things to talk about before confronting him with what I came over to discuss with him.

"Been a lot of domestic violence cases too. Must be the stress of the season." Joe added.

I nodded again. Joe finished his sandwich and cleaned up the kitchen. I was sitting in the recliner. Bob was sitting next to me so he could be petted.

"So why are you here? I can tell something is on your mind." Joe said to me.

"Yeah, there is. I've been doing a lot of thinking. About us. About the future."

"And?"

"Joe. You know I love you."

He nodded his head. "I'm not going to like this am I?"

"Joe. This isn't easy for me. I've been thinking about this for a while and I finally worked up the nerve to talk to you about this. I know it is a crummy time of year to do this,

But . . . I can't do this." I got up and went to where I put my coat.

"Cupcake. Wait. Come back. Let's talk."

"Oh, J-o-e" I sobbed.

"What is it? What's wrong? Did something happen?" He came over to me and wrapped me in his arms. "Come over here. Let's sit down." He led me over to the couch. We sat down. He still had his arms around me and he was rubbing my back trying to calm me down. I tried to get my emotions under control.

"Now. You going to tell me what is wrong?" He asked.

I nodded my head. "I love you, Joe. I do. And I have been thinking about this for a long time. I need to make some changes in my life. These changes involve you and me." I took a deep breath. "I want a future with you. But . . . but . . . I love Ranger too." I whispered. Joe pulled back a little, but didn't lose contact with me. He waited for me to go on. I took a deep breath. "Before I can commit to a future with you. A real future that results in marriage and kids. I need to find out if there is anything between Ranger and me."

Joe pulled back fully and ran his hand through his hair. He blew out a breath. I continued on. "I need to make sure I am doing the right thing and not regret this in the future. I need to be sure that the love I feel for Ranger isn't just some hero worship with some lust thrown in. The reason I can't commit to you is because of these feelings."

Joe looked at me. "Are you sure he isn't just trying to get you into his bed?"

"I don't know. I know he cares for me. I know he is attracted to me and wants me. I don't know if it a lasting type of love and I won't know if I don't pursue this. I may get hurt in the process. He has told me more than once that his life doesn't lend itself for a relationship."

"Then why go through with this? Why get yourself hurt?"

"I have to find out for sure or I will always wonder 'what if?' I can't do that to you or to us. I can't agree to marry you when I will always question this. And if I have to get my heart stomped on, then that is what I have to do. And it is not that you are my second choice, Joe. It's just that I have all these mixed-up feelings. I am sitting on a fence doing a balancing act. I know you love me. I know you can give me a stable life. You know I don't want the 'Burg' life. I will still want to work. And I wouldn't want to have kids right away." Joe nodded his head. We had discussed this in the past. "But I keep thinking that there is something more out there. That there is something there between Ranger and me. I need to find out. I don't think my mother would be too happy if I got another divorce."

"I told you that if we get married there could never be a divorce."

"All the more reason why I need to do this now. I don't want to wind up being miserable. Even if it is just to get him out of my system. He won't try anything if you and I are still together even remotely. I need to break this off with you." Tears were cascading down my face.

"Sssh. It's O.K., Cupcake. I understand. I just hope you won't get too hurt. I'll be waiting. Just don't take too long." He whispered. He brushed the tears off my face.

"Thank you, Joe. For being so understanding and not getting upset and ranting over this. I'm sorry."

"I know, Cupcake."

"I guess this changes our plans for Christmas." I said softly.

"Just a little."

"We're going to have to tell our families not to expect each other at the family get togethers."

"Yeah."

"Well, I should go." I couldn't move off the couch. Joe took my hand and held it for a while. We just sat there. Staring at nothing. Neither one of us wanting to break the connection. I sighed. "Joe."

"I know. I don't want you to leave. I'm afraid you won't come back."

"I may not. It could work out between Ranger and me. You have to be prepared that he could be my destiny."

"I don't think he is, Cupcake. He isn't the type. He is more the love them and leave them type." He put his hand up. "I know you need to find out for yourself. When you need a shoulder to cry on when you finally realize it, I'll be here."

"I need to go." I finally got up off the couch and walked over to where I placed my coat. Joe helped be into it. He turned me around to face him.

"So how are you going to get him to ask you out on a date? Or are you going to ask him out?"

"I don't know yet. I haven't thought that far in advance yet. I've been just thinking how to break it off with you."

Joe smiled a little smile. "Only you, Cupcake." He leaned in and gave me a sweet, tender kiss. "I'll be waiting." He whispered into my hair as he drew me close for hug. We stayed like that for a while.

I finally pulled away and grabbed my purse. I paused at the door and turned back to him. "Good-bye, Joe." And I made a quick exit.

I walked quickly to my car and got in. I started it up. I looked over at Joe's house and saw him still standing at the door. Tears were running down my face again. I waited until I got my emotions under control. I hoped he thought I was just letting my car warm up before driving off and not that I was sitting there crying. I put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb.

I took my time getting home. Now that I got step one taken care of I needed to start thinking about step two. I stopped at the convenient store to get some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I was in need of some serious ice cream therapy. I got three different kinds; Chocolate Therapy, Mint Chocolate Chunk and Triple Caramel Chunk.

I hurried home now. I had to figure out my next move.

TBC Chapter 2 - Heartbreak