I expect everyone here to have read FREAKIN GENSOKYO. This is a stupid fanfic set in that setting. Actually- if you don't, how the hell did you find this shit first.
Just another sunny day.
I jump down from my bed, and walk to my closet.
My name is M. S. Painter. I am just a man in this present world.
"...Man, I feel pretty tired today…" I said, putting on my usual attire. It is the 16th of August, 2017. Today, I will travel to Japan to meet my employer.
"Hmm, it's seven? Quite late, to be honest…" I speak to myself walking down the stairs and looking at my phone.
I go towards the fridge. There are quite the shortage of food. Maybe because I'm going to permanently live in Japan, so I didn't buy as much groceries last week.
I grab a bowl of chicken soup from the fridge, and put it in the microwave. I fry some eggs and put it on a bowl of rice. I set them all by the side, and walk toward the TV.
...Huh? The window's broken… and what's that package by the couch?
"...Legendary Weapon of Self-Defense?" I look inside the box, and saw… a lone spiky ball.
"W-what the hell…" I hold it up. It doesn't look able to hurt anyone or anything, really. I bet even a mosquito can survive a direct hit from it!
Well, I bet it's going to have some uses, so I throw it into my personal backpack. Hope it doesn't poke me in the back later on!
And now, the food is finished. I happily took a bite. "Omph."
...Too bland. I need some salt. I grab my requested item from the nearby cabinet, and put in my to-be delicacy.
"...Ah." Much better.
I quietly continue to eat my soup. To be honest, what the hell was that package? Who, in their right mind, throw a Legen- um, spiky ball, into another person's house? What a terrible time for my surveillance cameras to break.
"...Well, not like I need to use this house anymore. I could just sell it to the gov." I smile, and walk out of my home.
=Everyday Land of Reality=
I have arrived at the airport. Man, it's lively.
"Hello, Mr. Painter!"
I look to the right. "Oh, miss Hearn."
There she is. Maribel Hearn(She insisted on me using this despite technically being wrong), a girl in a college at Japan. She was my translator when I suck too much at Japanese. "How have you been?" She asks.
"Ready for whatever's in store for me." I give her a thumbs up.
"Nice!" She smiles, and walks to a blocked gate. "This way, Mr. Painter."
=Everyday Land øf Reality=
"He had prepared a seat for you. First Class." She leads me to a plane different from the usual bunch.
"I see." I respond. I do not know what else to respond, because I'm fixing my eyes on this painting I'm doing. Yes, I am a painter, like my name.
"The plane will go off in five minutes." Mary said, sitting in the seat next to me.
=Ëvéryday Land of Rèality=
Woohoo, it's land! Finally, after riding for whatever hours!
"We're nearly there." Merry smiled.
"Yeah, I'm so excit-"
KRING~BOOM!!!
"What the—!?" I look out from my window.
"—The engines..!" They are frozen solid, and quickly exploded.
"We are losing altitude!" Some random dude shouted out, hiding behind his seat.
Whoo. Being weighless is fun.
But apparently, I'm gonna crash. Goodbye world! See you in World Hell.
BOOM!!
=FREAKIN PARODIES=
Okay, fuck. How the hell am I alive.
Also, how the hell did I end up in the middle of a forest, with literally no injuries, and nothing but my clothes and my backpack. What.
"Oh, fuck this." I look up at the sky. "I~ think I'm gonna go find civilization."
*inaudible screeching*
Okay, what the fuck. That sounds like it's literally behind me.
I turn around, and come face to face with a black gooey abomination vaguely like a wolfman.
Welp, Mercy to Flee. I ain't staying here no more!
"Whoops!" I narrowly dodged an approaching stationary tree. Which the figure perfectly smashed right into it, causing it to fall down and hit it a second time. Not even abominations disobey the law of Physics, I see.
Oh shit it's a fucking cliff-
Boing~! I land in top of a big mushroom, and bounce down to the ground safely. Hope they don't, like, grow in my throat or something…
Thoom! Oh, shit. It broke the mushroom.
...I know I should be, like, panicking in my mind, or body, or something, but uh, I don't really- wait fuck.
Thud. "Ow." I slipped. I get up, and start running again.
"*more screeching*" Oh fuck it's right behind me-
I grabbed a tree trunk and turn 90 degrees, narrowly dodging the thing's claws. "Woah!"
It crashed into a tree, but rebounded to me regardless. Shit.
"Agghh!" It slashed my leg. I fall down, unable to escape further.
Tch. Short life. I stare boringly at the creature, simply observing it's features before I go tell it to the fucking Grim Reaper.
Shing-Krang~!
Okay, what was that?
I look to the foreign object. It's… something shaped like the solid part of some plant hanger clashing against dark claws. And the one holding it…
...Is some woman- I think- in an outfit similar to a kimono. Except it's in camouflage. Man, I want to know who sell those.
"Wahaha, I observe another Outsider in their unnatural habitat!" Wait, she's a guy. Whoo, one paragraph trap reveal, if he could be considered that.
The plant hanger part from it, and the man arrive beside me. "Hoh, easy enemy much?"
The enemy screamed. "*jesusfuckmorescreeching*" It swipes down its claws at the man, seemingly unaware of my continued existence in this plane of reality.
"Flammen," He straightens his pose. "Bügel!" He then swipes his hanger forward-
Fwoom~! Flame is released from the weapon, and engulfs the enemy in an instant.
"*okayfuckyoubeaststopscreeching*" Ow, I think my ears are getting damaged.
I look back at the plant hanger guy, and he now has earmuffs on. Wow, good for him. "Heh." His hanger is burning brightly, yet doesn't extend to his hand. Is that… magic? I don't really know.
That thing run around screaming in pure agony for a few minutes, before the flames die down. I believe it's dead.
"...So, uh… who are you? And where am I?"
He poses dramatically. "It is I, Brad! The Plant Hanger Master!" He then stops posing and puts his hanger into a sack. "And this… is Gensokyo."
FREAKIN PARODIES=
"Gensokyo?" What a weird name, 'Fantasy Land'.
"Yeah, yo. Magical girls blasting each other outta the sky, a buncha stupid wolf bitches out there to eat you and promptly get killed by said magical girls, and the stupidest human civilization to ever exist with retards everywhere who got killed by said wolf bitches." What. "Also, magic." Oh.
...Wait. "So, I'm in a fantasy world now?"
"Me, that stupid youkai, do the equations." He shrugged.
"...Right." As if there are any equations that can calculate such a thing. Wait, isn't that the point? No, I'm sure it doesn't. Right, common sense n' stuff.
"Also, you must get to said human civilization to not get fucked up." Brad held out a hand. "Let's get there."
...But first, "I can't walk."
"Oh, right. Here." He throws a bottle with strange red liquid in it. "Health Pot. Gives Regen for a lil while."
I down the health potion. Wait- this- is this perfume? "Blegh."
...He turned back to look at the label. "Oh, right. This one isn't really tastebud-friendly." You should have said that earlier.
Also, my legs already healed, so I try to stand up. "Ah."
"Now, let's go. The youkai around here are quite weak, but they can gang up on me anyways." He walk towards a seemingly random direction. Uh..?
"Where are we going?" I ask. It is only natural to let him show me around this… 'Gensokyo'.
"The Village, duh." Brad answered. "S'nice for gathering the stuff and things. Your typical RPG store, really. Safe zone, too."
I see. He must have stocked his health potions from there. And if I'm lucky, I should be able to find a job and continue my joyful life, not having to bother with these beasts.
"Ohp. One moment, enemy approaching." He holds out a hand to stop me.
Kring~! The empty hand now wields… a plant hanger of the same model. Except it's of a black and purple-ish color, and there's a sniper rifle attached to it. I think it's a sniper rifle.
He look inside the scope, and his arm flare with some energy for a moment-
Fzoom! "Noob!" He spoke excitedly, as a very thin white laser fly off to the distance at what I assume is lightspeed.
At his back, a blur approaches him..!
Thwack! It is knocked away by a flying white pillow!
"*notbotheringtomutethenextonetho*" Yeah, this is getting tiring.
Brad switches to an attacking stance, his hanger seemingly changing to the fire one from earlier.
"Fire Fountain!" He points his hanger up-
Fwoom~! A fountain of fire engulfs the attacker immediately. Hey, if magic exists here…
"Begone!" I shout, pointing my finger outward.
A tiny magical sphere flies out twenty centimeters before fizzling out.
...On another note, it actually obeys me, wow.
"...Man, walking is tiring when you can fly." Brad explores the consequence of not flying.
"...Yeah, sure. You have any ways for me to not get absolutely obliterated by stupid Level 1 enemies?" I ask.
Brad strikes a thinking pose. "Fuck no." Then why are you thinking in the first place?
I blink, and he suddenly have a trumpet on him.
Toot!*
Suddenly, a neat mesh of tables, chairs, maces, strings of female underwear, and other things vaguely resembling a flying airship appears before us. It even flies, holy hell.
"Welcome aboard S.S. Big Obliterator, Neverending Economic Raven, known more by it's acronym S.S.Boner Mk.II~!" The Plant Hanger Master introduces his monstrosity proudly.
"...I think I'll walk, thank you." Fuck that name.
=FREAKIN PARODIES=
The journey was pretty uneventful.
"Hoh, seems those noobs finally decide to fuck off." Brad noted on the silence.
KRA-KROOM~! Suddenly, there's a loud rumbling in the area.
"...Oh." What oh.
"To think, that you would leave us so quick…" In front, I saw a tall lady with black hair and a blue kimono. "We really are of no value to you, aren't we?"
"Traitors… should be exterminated from sight…" Another girl that looks to wear a generic villager outfit for some old film steps up, a black wand in hand.
"Genkan, Maria, snap out of it." Brad gritted his teeth. "Otherwise, I'll have to use force."
The two went silent.
"...Then, die."
VS: [Generic Yuki-Onna] Genkan "Dominated"
VS: [Generic Magician] Maria Yamada "Dominated"
"Snowstorm!" "Starlight!" The two shout in unison.
Brad stays still. "Reflect."
A mirror separates the three, as the magic is repelled back into the sky.
"Kh…" The taller lady gritted her teeth, then holds out her hand. "Then, I shall fight you physically!"
As she suddenly appeared behind Brad, two icy cutlasses appear..!
"Hmph."
THUNK!
She is smacked away by a roundhouse hanger to the cheek, and slows herself to a stop like fifty meters away.
"I'm not the lunatic I used to be!" Brad raises his hanger, then-
Vrr~. Twelve identical hangers circle around him, ready to attack at his command.
Then, they fly off to the sky, as two more hangers appear in his hand.
One, a fusion of three hangers, plus a ring that gives off an aura of… nothing? I don't know how to describe it…
The other is… A hanger of rich gold. And sharp runes. That's… kinda it.
Overall, pretty underwhelming for a fantasy world.
Why didn't he bring out Flammenbügel?
...The duo approach cautiously, without attacking.
"Friend, no." Brad waves his hangers.
"Hailstorm!" "Fallen Star!"
THOOM-THOOM-KRANG! All the attacks strike him, but he didn't budge.
"..." The man remains silent.
"Fira!" The girl cast upon what I believe to be a Fire spell.
Fwoom! I was right.
"Modern Legend…" Brad holds his hanger to the sky. "Fairy Skullsmasher!"
Suddenly, the same hangers that fly up to the sky return to the Earth.
"What!?" The lady steps back, surprised. "Since when..!?"
The hangers fall around the two, then it glows with an orange-ish light.
BOOM! They explode, leaving only smoke, and the two defeated enemies.
Battle End.
=FREAKIN PARODIES=
Perspective Holder: M. S. Painter
Title: Probably Artistic Outsider
Appearance: Long not-so-poofy-but-still-pretty-poofy yellow hair, wears a tuxedo, and have a rose emblem on said tuxedo.
Abilities:
None.
Spell Cards:
None.
Inventory:
Spiky Ball - Deal mediocre damage to target. Ignores all kinds of defenses, even ones that defends against all attacks.
=FREAKIN PARODIES=
Name: Brad
Romaji: ブラッド
Title: Professor Plant Hanger, Realizes All His Titles In FG Doesn't Apply.
Appearance: What, you don't know him? Go read the entire FREAKIN GENSOKYO until around chapter 109 or so. Actually, chapter one would do the job.
=-=
Abilities:
Fire
• Fire Summoner - Effects vary. A spell cast by imagining varying shapes of fire. All of them deal fire damage, and may cause ‹Burn›.
— World's Wimpiest Fireball - The first spell he learned. Usable by imagining a ball of fucking fire and throwing it. Cost the least mana in his entire arsenal.
— World's Wimpiest Fire Stream - Charge... and... unleash! This spell is just a miniature flamethrower, by the way.
— Flame Fountain - Imagine fire erupting from the ground. It's pretty cool. May cause ‹Stagger›.
—Hellfire Plume - A jet of hellfire. Is hard to put out. ‹Berserk› the target.
— Flame Globe - A miniature sun, but with flames. Will explode if not given enough mana, and cause Bomb damage. Brad can maintain this spell for ten seconds at most.
Berserk - ‹Berserk› target for a while. Can be nullified by water or ice.
Seduction
• Scent Pillow - A pillow with the caster's fluids materializes. When burned and inhaled, or shoved into people's mouths, may inflict ‹Aroused›.
— Euphoric Pillow - An arousing air surrounds the pillow! May inflict ‹Aroused›. Now we don't have to burn them.
Water
• Water Stream - Uhh, why would anyone need this? Splash enemies with water. Cause ‹Wet›.
— Geyser - ...geyser of water. Send enemies flying, which probably isn't helping.
— Water Lock - Lock a foe in water for a short while. Probably the only useful thing in the entire water arsenal.
Holy
Lumen - Big homing sphere of light. Costly, like most light spells. Requires Holy equipment.
— Candela - Literally the same thing, but controllable and isn't as costly. Still requires Holy equipment.
Cleanse - ‹Cleanse› one target of all debuffs.
— Purify - ‹Cleanse› targets of debuffs and buffs.
Dark
Pulse - Basic dark magic. Stresses enemy. Lowers enemy's magic attack.
Revenge - Strength increases as HP decreases. Power increased by fifty percent for each defeated party member. Power doubles for each deceased party member. (Fairies do not count as deceased on Death.)
Earth
Gaia Seed - Intensifies Earth's pull a little. May make targets slightly tired.
— Gaia Bloom - Intensifies Earth's pull, with multiple instances of hazy earth magic. Makes target tired.
— Gaia Sprout - Highly intensifies Earth's pull, with blasts of earth magic. Cause ‹Tired›, and may cause ‹Sleep› instantly.
Ice
Tundra - Creates crate-sized ice spike. Deals ice damage.
Ice Shard - May ‹Freeze› enemies. Flash-freezes the air around the enemy.
Non-Elemental
• Lucky Star - A star falls from the sky, and bonks at the enemy dealing random mediocre Damage. Pray to RNGesus for this.
— Lucky Star - A bigger star falls from the sky, and smashes the enemy dealing random Damage. Same instruction as above.
— Mornstar «Counter! Close Combat» - A dazzling star exterminates despair! All enemies engaging in close combat gets blown away by light and holy power. Plus, cleanse them of all positive effects.
• Hangerborne - Summons any hanger in his inventory to his hand. Is able to use any of the hangers' skills. This is effectively overshadowed by Brad's taught ability to switch any equipment on the fly.
Quick Swap - Quickly switches any equipment from his bag.
Flight - Flies.
• Quintet Jump : Frost Trail - Jump five times. May leave Frost in their trail. Vaguely hints of Ice, but isn't categorized as such..!
Panic - Movement Speed increases when HP is lower.
=-=
Spell Cards:
• Modern Legend "Fairy Skullsmasher" - Hangers fall from the sky with extremely high damage, at not-so-random intervals.
• Quadruple Hanga «Equip! Four plant hangers» - Requires five turns to activate. Launches a great magic blast at the enemy, then follows with complex danmaku shaped like three crisscrossing tesseracts and three 20-sided polygons.
• Hanger Arcanum "Professor Plant Hanger" - All of Brad's hangers do their own thing, while Brad shoot danmaku in a sphere.
=-=
Inventory:
• Bag of Holding, Rune of Regeneration - Remilia's old 'store anything' bag. Room-sized storage.
Stats
Regeneration is faster by 50%.
Weapons become 50% harder to break.
Storage reduced by 10%.
Weapons
• Flammenbügel - Fire hanger that burns even the greatest of sages.
Stats
-Flames caused ignore fire resistance.
-Increase Fire resistance by 50%.
-10% chance to cause ‹Berserk›.
-50% chance to cause ‹Burn›.
-Danmaku cause ‹Confuse›, ‹Luck Down› and may cause ‹Berserk›
-Ignites things on impact.
• Dihydrogen Monoxide - Water Hanger. Pure water. H two O. Controlled with Magic.
Stats
-Produces Water that can be controlled by magic.
-Water caused bypass Barriers, and does not conduct electricity.
-Increase Water resistance by 30%.
-Increase Poison resistance by 50%.
-10% chance to cause ‹Poison› after long exposures.
-Inflicts ‹Defense Down› and ‹Wet›.
• pH_fl0w1ng - Acid Hanger - Note: Must be used with water.
Stats:
-Inflicts ‹Poison› when used with water.
-Inflicts ‹Corrosion› when used with water.
-Increase Poison resistance by 10%.
• Typhoon Carrier - Air hanger, casting typhoons since there was one.
Stats:
-Allow flight.
-‹Dispel›s all enemies.
-10% chance to inflict ‹Accuracy Down› and ‹Evade Down›.
Increase Wind Resistance by 50% from outside sources.
• Fallen Comrade, That Which Should Not Be - A triple hanger fused together, with its earth affinity shining out most. Jackhammer-like. But, with the inclusion of a certain ring, it reeks more of nothing.
Stats:
-User bleeds longer and faster.
-Counts as a Jack Hammer. Probably.
-Moderate increase to physical offense and defense.
-Attacks become Nil.
• Yakumo Mirror - A hanger made out of what seems like glass.
Stats:
-Attacks lower slightly.
-Gain 200% magnet resistance.
• Ten Billion Bucks - A hanger of pure gold, fitting in a billionaire's mansion. How it ended up with this lunatic is beyond causality.
Stats:
-Lowers defense.
-Physical attacks are Electric/Holy, and becomes magical.
-Attacks bypass physical defense.
• Horseman's Rifle - A black hanger attached to a sniper rifle. Or is it the opposite way?
Stats:
-Danmaku deals Blindness.
-Gain 60% Fire and Ice resistance.
• B-9000 PLUS Bomber - A powerful bomb hanger with a NERF gun attached to it. Seemingly holds the power of a nuke inside it.
-Objects explode on impact.
-Danmaku causes explosion damage.
• Market Gardener - One hundred and ninety-five times the damage of a normal hanger!
Stats:
-Performs critical hits while blast-jumping.
-50% Earth Resistance
Fairy Harp - Weapon of mass Skull-smashing destruction.
Stats:
-Attack increases slightly.
-Inflicts ‹Accuracy Down›.
-Can play music.
Fragile Flower - Aesthetically pleasing.
Stats:
-Attack and Defense halved.
London Operating Cross - Summons a London doll. Able to use Medium-tier Fire, Ice, Electric, Wind, Earth, and Water magic. Have medium magical capacity, and may be replenished like a normal living being. Also shoots danmaku. Can be resummoned over and over.
Yin-Yang Flail - Not a copter any more.
Twin NERF Sword - ...Must be the Legendary Weapon's predecessor.
Armor
Camouflage Kimono - Doesn't actually help in hiding.
Stats:
-Gain 150% Ice resistance, 50% Freeze resistance, 50% Dark resistance.
-Lose 50% Fire resistance and Burning resistance.
Kaguya Houraisan - Pink dress with white ribbons.
Stats:
-Gain 75% Time resistance.
Yellow Race Car Helmet - Got really good defense for the head.
Stats:
Gain 50% Sun resistance, 100% Freezing resistance, 100% Blinding resistance, and 100% Electrical Stunning resistance.
Lunarian Prototype Space Suit - A suit meant for combat in deep space.
Stats:
-Gain 100% Electricity resistance and 100% Freezing resistance.
-Able to cast Zero Gravity.
Lunarian Prototype Space Helmet - A space helmet, duh.
Stats:
-Gain 50% Blinding resistance.
-[With Lunarian Prototype Space Suit] Gain 100% Electricity resistance, 100% Burning resistance and 100% Poison resistance.
Prototype Oxygen Tank - Attached to the Lunarian Space Suit. Usable for 150 seconds, and refills in breathable air.
• More Random Things - One knows not the true inventory of this man, not even himself.
={Parodist's Note}=
After a long while of getting roasted at other stuff, I FINALLY get back to this.
Reason for redoing: Short chaps suck. that's it.
i mean we have to start somewhere right
as for why the last two charas to get into the story is so ooc you can prolly figure it out so YEAH
Have a fluffy happy day!