101 Ways to Annoy Draco Malfoy: The Tales of a Protagonist with Questionable Sanity
Many of you might not have heard of me, as I wasn't ever mentioned in any of the Harry Potter stories. Truth to both the wise and unwise: I exist. My name is Kinnara Shadow, known to my friends as Kinney, Kinna, Nara, Rara, Nana, and a few other names. Needless to say, I always know when someone is speaking to me. Upon my arrival at Hogwarts, I was sorted into Gryffindor House, during the same year as the Golden Trio, the Dream Team, whatever you want to call them. Harry, Ron, and Hermione are good kids, and I used to hang out with them every once and a while, but most of my time was spent on bugging our ferrety little friend. You guessed it: Draco Malfoy.
It was over the summer between sixth and seventh year, just after the Death Eaters had attacked Hogwarts and Dumbledore had been killed. My parents, as part of the Order of the Phoenix, had me stay at Grimmuald Place and the Burrow with the Weasleys over the summer. We received word a few weeks before term was to start that Dumbledore's last wish was that the Dream Team plus One were to return to Hogwarts to complete their schooling. Harry and Co. were crushed; they'd been planning on taking on old Voldenheimer themselves and smashing his hor-whatevers to bits. I just shrugged.
What did happen to piss me off was who arrived at the Burrow the day before we left for the train. Draco Malfoy strutted through the door, took a look around the kitchen, and hollered, "Merlin, this place is a dump!" Whilst this was happening, there were more than a few confused looks from the Weasley table, most coming from Harry, Hermione, Ron, the twins, Ginny, and me. Ron's mouth was hanging open, and a half-chewed piece of bacon slipped out. I started counting in my head. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0. And we have lift-off.
"WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the twins roared simultaneously.
"Good Lord," Hermione and Ginny muttered. "Boys."
"MERLIN'S PANTS!" Harry cried.
"BLOODY HELL!" Ron yelled.
"Petrificus Totalus," I lazily waved my wand, and the git froze up. I mean, he literally froze, because that's what the full body-bind curse does. His skin got whiter than it already was, his hands and legs snapped together, and the idiot toppled over. "Well, you chaps are just brilliant, aren't you? Why mess with magic when you can just shout at the bigot?"
It was just my poor luck that I was still pointing my wand at Malfoy when Mrs. Weasley walked in. If I hadn't, we could've claimed that he walked in and froze himself of his own accord. But, sadly, my dogwood and phoenix-feather stick was still pointing at his chest.
"Oh!" Mrs. Weasley had to do a double take to fully understand what happened. "I meant to be the one to answer the door when he got here!"
"Mum!" Ron said with disgust. "You knew he was coming?"
I sighed. "Ronald, she told us all a week ago that Malfoy and Snape are spies for the Order. Malfoy here needs our protection."
"Says the girl with her wand pointed at his chest!" Mrs. Weasley huffed and pushed my wand-arm down. "Kinna, dear, if you knew all this, why on Earth did you bind him?"
"Because he's far less annoying this way," I sniffed disdainfully as I made my way back to the table, giving both Fred and George high-fives on the way. "I would like to finish my food now."
Sadly, as we were his 'protection' until we boarded the train tomorrow, we had to unfreeze Malfoy. And by 'we,' I mean Mrs. Weasley. None of us could stand the idea of being the one to re-animate him. Of course, the second he was awakened; he started to walk threateningly towards me.
"You bloody commoner!" he cried. "When my father hears about this-"
"He'll be halfway to Azkaban," I yawned. "I already took you down once, Malfoy, and I wasn't even trying." I stood from the table and headed off to the room that I'd shared with Hermione and Ginny for the past week or two. "'Mione, Gin, I still need to finish packing. Come and help?"
"Fine," they muttered, pushing their plates back and following me up the rickety stairs. When we got to Ginny's room, I pulled out my empty trunk and began to grab stuff.
"Have you even started?" Ginny asked, incredulous.
"Nope, not a bit!" I chirped. "No time like the present, as the Muggles say. You guys don't actually have to help me pack; I just wanted some company. Also, it would be unethical to ask the boys to hang out with me in your room, Ginny."
I started by cleaning out the bottom of my trunk, using the 'Scourgify' spell to clean it and rid myself of broken quills and smashed ink bottles. Inspecting my clean trunk happily, I waved my wand, yelling, "Pack!" Everything that was mine flew into the trunk, all higgledy-piggledy and messy.
"Damn," I muttered. "I thought that I'd finally gotten the hang of that ruddy spell."
"Oh, let me do it," Hermione smiled. "Re-Pack." She waved her wand in a large sweeping motion, and my trunk unpacked itself, before returning everything back into it, much neater than just a few seconds earlier.
"Thanks, 'Mione," I grinned. "You're a life-saver."
I leaned out Gin's window and gave a large whistle, knowing that my owl, Yami, would return shortly. Sure enough, within thirty seconds a large, black, male owl appeared at the windowsill.
"Hey, Yami," I patted him on the head, and he affectionately nipped my finger. "We're heading off to Hogwarts tomorrow, so if you don't want to fly there, you have to come back early in the morning and ride the train with us. If you're not here when I wake up or before we leave, I'm assuming that you're not riding the train. Got that?"
He let out a small trill, letting me know that he'd understood. Then, he spread his wings and fluttered out the window.
"Kinna, how on Earth did you train Yami so well?" Ginny sighed. "Errol barely can understand who to take our letter to!"
I grinned slightly. "Errol's an old owl, Gin. You have to give him credit for that. And, even if he's a bloody menace, he gets the job done."
"I guess you're right," Ginny agreed. "I also just wish that sometimes-"
BANG BOOM POW CRASH!
"Shit." I stated, a moment before I made for the stairs, Hermione and Ginny right behind me. We emerged to a full-scale duel in the kitchen, Ron and Malfoy shooting flashes of light at each other.
Hermione and I immediately jumped into action, whilst Ginny joined Harry in screaming at them to knock it off while Fred and George were cheering Ron on. Hermione started to try and talk to Ron, wrestling his arm away from him. I, on the other hand, preferred a more tactical approach. Needless to say, Malfoy was the victim of a super tackle.
"FOR NARNIA!" I cried as I leaped, knocking the blonde boy over. We tumbled to the floor, and soon I had flung his wand away and pinned him to the ground. Meanwhile, Hermione had managed to grab Ron's wand. Fred and George looked at me strangely.
"What's 'Narnia?'" they asked, perfect unison, as always.
"It's a Muggle thing that 'Mione told me about," I said, as if it cleared up everything, which, surprisingly, it did.
"Get off me, you friggin' blood traitor scum!" Malfoy's voice was the only thing that reminded me that he was there.
"Oy, that language is uncalled for, mister," I said, jabbing him in the chest with me wand. It created a slight burn hole. "Whoops. And as for getting off, I don't think I will. At least, not until you apologize to me for your rude comment, and the Weasleys for practically destroying their kitchen! And possibly to me again for ruining my spectacular day!"
"No!" Malfoy said stubbornly.
"Well, then we're going to be here for quite a while, then." I told him, shifting my position so it was less awkward. "Fred, can I have a bit of toast?"
The redhead went to retrieve my food, and soon I was munching happily on my crispy bread with preserved fruit on top. Beneath me, I felt Malfoy's stomach growl. Perfect. Now I have the black mail to get away from this jerk sooner than I'd expected!
"What's that?" I grinned. "Your stomach? Have you not eaten yet, Malfoy? You know, you could easily eat some food if you just apologized. If you do that, I'll get off, and you'll have a clear path to the kitchen."
"N-N-No. I-I'm not hungry at all," he muttered, more like he was trying to convince himself rather than me.
"I'm not so sure about that, Super Ferret-Man. Your tummy sounded pretty unhappy a second or two ago," I smiled widely. Anybody could see that I was clearly enjoying this. "You know what, old friend? I'm thinking of starting a project this school year. Do you know what it will be titled?"
"I'm not your friend, and I couldn't give a care if I tried," he spat.
"Ooh, not quite friendly, are you?" I giggled. "Anyways, it's going to be brilliant. I can see it now: '101 Ways to Bug, Humiliate, or Otherwise Antagonize Draco Malfoy,' by Kinna Shadow. Sound good to you?"
"The hell it does!" he cried. "Get off me, you great buffoon!"
"Hmm, this little incident brings me to the beginning of my list." I said. "#1: Sit on him."
"Brilliant, just brilliant. Your stupidity astounds me." He sighed. "When the hell are you going to get off me, Shadow?"
"Mmm, when you apologize, Drakey-poo, when else? And remember; genius has limitations. Stupidity knows no bounds," I grinned again.
Ferret-Boy just sighed. We sat that way for a good hour, him sprawled on the floor, me just chillaxing with my butt firmly planted in the center of his chest, until…
"FINE, fine, dammit! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, for the love of Merlin let me up!" he burst out.
My smile just widened. "Sorry for what…?"
"I'm sorry for calling you a name and for ruining Weasley's kitchen!" he sputtered.
"And?"
"Umm… What was it? Oh! I'm sorry for ruining your otherwise perfect day," he sighed.
"Congratulations, Malfoy, you just learned how to apologize," I laughed and stood up. "Oy, Harry!" I called up the stairs. "He apologized!"
"This isn't over, Shadow," Malfoy snarled as I headed up the stairs.
"Oh, not by a long shot, Ferret." I laughed. "But right now, she score as I see it, is Kinna: 3, Malfoy: 0."
"Three?" he asked.
"Yep. I body bound you, tackled you, and sat on you for an hour and a half," I returned on my quest up the stairs, where I undoubtedly would find high-fives from the twins and Ron, congratulations on being able to stand the git for an hour from Harry, and comfort from Hermione and Ginny for being forced to put up with the Ferret for an hour. All was well, although I'm really not too sure that I should've left him unattended in the kitchen. Ah, well.