Car Crash, a donnie darko fanfic

DONNIE DARKO

- Car Crash -

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I'm sick. I feel sick. There's a ringing noise in my ear. It's disturbing. Dis-tur-bing. I need Frank. Where is he? Oh no, a headache. Frank, Frank, I need Frank. Maybe in the kitchen. I walk to the kitchen. Open the drawer, absentmindedly. I see a knife. What can I knife do? Cut, cut, cut. I slowly pick it up. My finger strokes the wick. It cuts in my skin. Blood drips on the kitchen floor. And I ain't feeling a thing.

"Donnie?"

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

I told mum it's nothing. Which it is, of course. Just a little cut. No feelings there. I've become numb. But that's sort of a problem! I need to feel pain! Feel! What I'm a going to do? I have to feel…

I walk through the door. It's late. It's dark outside. I walk to my neighbours' garden, with the sprinkles. Maybe I can feel pain outside. I can feel the coldness of the air. I lie down on the grass. My wrist is like moving itself to the sprinkler thingy. I giggle – it's sparkling.

There are some sharp edges though… wonder if that would make me feel pain…

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

"Where have you been?"

Of course it's Samantha. Samantha's always worrying about me, if mum isn't around. I hide my wrists with the sleeves of my sweater.

"Out, jogging," I mumble to her. It is even believe, considering that I'm wearing sweatpants. She seems to calm down.

"Leave a note."

She walks out of the kitchen and I go upstairs to the bathroom. I roll up my sleeves and looks at the wounds. At least it ain't bleeding anymore. I examine them… so I can feel pain. Pain felt good.

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

"Frank."

Calling out his name feels like an urgent need. His name is gold on my lips.

"Yes?"

I turn around. It's is the bunny.

"The bunny suit," I notice.

"The human suit," he repeats sceptically. I walk to him and I put one hand of his chest. I can't feel a heartbeat. Is he even alive? Is he even a thing? Is he a piece of the universe, like me?

So right
It's all wrong
I'm wide awake and so alive

Pain is not my fear anymore. Losing pain is. Numb is freaky. It sucks up feelings, emotions. Do I have emotions? My meds are taking them too. My medicines are numbing me.

Frank is fading in the distance. A hole. It's sucking him up. I look at him. I look at his moving lips. Cellar door.

Cellar door.